in 2008 i got given a dictionary
a prize for being able to go to high school
and only recently have i learned of words
that they would think are too cruel
i would call 2013 me an eccedentesiast
bet you don't even know what that means
it's a person who fakes a smile
i only didn't watching my computer screen
afraid of death and afraid of dying
i have been since i was thirteen
that's called thanatophobia
it means something awful to me
don't call me ordinary or i'll get koinophobia
fear of the very phrase and definition
an ordinary life, one i won't be satisfied
with if i died, an unsuccessful mission
someone who understood all the words
without a google search
wouldn't be friends with me
but i could make it work
language is complex no matter what
one that you've known since birth
and if i'm gonna be true to my word
i hate what they're all worth
Dec 7, 2025
Dec 7, 2025 at 9:58 AM UTC
they tell you that you'll be fine
"it's just a blip, it'll go away"
but five weeks from now they'll blame you
when your emotions are no longer at bay
they'll yell and scream,
fight and argue,
blame you for it all,
the kindness you outgrew
they'll act like they did nothing,
like you're the one to blame
forgetting what they did,
ignoring your claim
they will pretend you've gone insane,
that something changed inside of you
they won't want to think of it,
the truth of why you're blue
if you go away tomorrow,
and never come back the same
no one else would be to blame,
no one but they
Apr 16, 2023
Apr 16, 2023 at 11:17 AM UTC
the moonlight, so bright, looking up at the sunlight,
moments that remind me that tomorrow is just a day away.
he asks me a question i don't fully hear,
throughout the noise of the people behind me.
a hand on my back, a peck on my cheek,
a whimsical feeling in my stomach.
that feeling soon turns as i feel overwhelmed,
sick feeling in your head and mine.
i can't move a muscle, not even an inch,
and he can't move himself further towards me.
a coffee shop the next morning,
cold and shaky hands.
i can't say a word about it,
and he can't help but smile.
we go to the art museum,
the one near my house.
it's loud and crowded and hopeful,
maybe today will be alright?
i find a friend in an old couple,
he takes me away from them.
i'm pulled into a public bathroom,
i throw up in the ******
a friend touches my shoulder two weeks later,
and in my mind she did me a favour.
the next day i ring my therapist marissa,
and ask her to book me in again.
we talk and chat for hours at a time,
but never about him.
only ever about my family or friends,
but never a mention of him.
marissa dies four months in,
i feel trapped within.
no one can ever find out,
what i ever did with him.
boyfriend and girlfriend,
that's what they call us.
i feel the sickness in my stomach,
why the **** are we called that?
i write love letters in my bedroom,
to no one in particular.
hoping someone will come and save me,
from the situation i've been put in.
i'm not allowed at marissa's funeral,
or my mother's either.
he's my entire world, after all,
and i should be grateful.
i have one friend from high school,
i see her every other weekend.
with both our boyfriends in tow,
i wonder if she'll ever know.
"a girls day out," that's all she says,
wrapped her arm around mine.
"she'll be fine with me!" that's all he hears,
as we leave him for good.
i'm stood in front of her bathroom mirror,
naked and afraid.
she's looking at every single thing,
he's ever done to me.
burns from his cigarette,
bites from his own mouth.
scars from his nails,
bruises from his own belt.
"is this what love is meant to be?"
i ask her bathroom.
i finally get a response,
just a "no" and silence.
that was jamie, and he hurt me,
and i thought another wouldn't.
but it turns out years later,
i was wrong once again.
i move in with my friend,
the one from high school.
she and her boyfriend are married now,
and they seem happy too.
she tells me he beats her,
bites her a lot too.
she kicks and slaps him back,
and i convince her to leave.
in reality we were taught this,
somewhere down the line.
i guess that's why i think it's normal,
why i see it as romantic.
my parents, my friends, my family,
i see it in them all.
behind closed doors it's all the same,
something's ******* wrong.
i guess that's what's normal,
i guess that's what's true,
i guess that's what happens to girls like you.
Jul 24, 2022
Jul 24, 2022 at 2:56 PM UTC
i fell in love with a city
before adoring my own personality
london town, so quiet yet so loud
if only i could be just as proud
the city looked so pretty
can you ride around with me?
we could go for hours and days
talking underneath the pouring rain
if a city was half as cute
then i'd have to be a brute
and the city, it shocked me still
before the people could at will
because i fell in love with london
way back when i went
and the moment that i left it
all my pennies were spent
Nov 1, 2021
Nov 1, 2021 at 8:26 AM UTC
i hope one day you'll see it too
how much everything you do
impacts the way i live my life
smiling in bed every single night
thinking of the next time we'll speak
it's far away but so close for me
i want time to speed up
and make it sooner but
i'm not a genius or a magician
i can't do much but burn down a kitchen
if i could get on a plane right now
i'd be running at the speed of sound
and beloved i hope you realise
how good you are in all our eyes
it's not hard to think like me
to be like that, to think of the
way in which we break apart
we're separate, no longer less far
i hope at night you think of me
happily, positively
Aug 26, 2021
Aug 26, 2021 at 9:00 PM UTC
i stand
in the shower
almost fall asleep
the waters warm
i watch something
on my laptop screen
but i don't remember
what i saw
there's food on the table
right beside me
i can't eat it
it's cold
i showered but
i don't remember
if i washed
my hair
my laptops been
on for hours
yet there's no
chrome activity
the food it must've
been made today
but i don't remember
cooking
i have an
unread message
sent to me
six hours ago
i don't remember
when i woke up
but the text says
good morning
i don't remember
how i woke up
but the text says
good morning
i don't know
if i woke up
but the text says
good morning
i don't know
if i woke up
but i can
touch myself
i can pinch myself
i can hurt myself
i can do whats
normal
but i don't feel
what i did before
i dont feel
normal
i'm in
the kitchen
looking at
the oven
it's on
but i don't
remember
doing that
how long
has it
been on
for?
i check
the bathroom
the shower lights
on
but i don't
remember
if i showered
today
how long
has it
been on
for?
i go
back into
the front
room
a plate
of food
on the
table
but i don't
remember
if i ate
anything
how long
has it
been here
for?
i don't remember
Jun 23, 2021
Jun 23, 2021 at 7:41 PM UTC
i sit and wait every day
for someone to ask a question
who is this? what are you?
it's like repeat progression
they ask and ask for hours
i don't know how they have a voice left
they laugh and talk all evening
voices a heavy heft
if i was on the other side
asking me what they do
i'd bored myself to tears by now
i would've been so blue
the truth is i could tell them
i could write down what i am
but i'm afraid of how they'll react
to how i truthfully don't give a ****
sometimes i wake up wondering
if they'll ever really know
if a passing glance or a laughing face
is how the story will go
or do i tell them in my rage
drunk out of my mind
standing on the rooftop
calling out for a sign
i wanna scream my lungs out
it makes me wanna cry
i need to yell from the rooftops
until my throat is dry
my identity makes me nausea
it makes me wanna cry
they'll never be happy with me
until i ******* die
Jun 21, 2021
Jun 21, 2021 at 10:14 AM UTC
you ruined his name
with the venom you spit
take five minutes
to remember all of it
write down the words
you said to them
as it hit midnight
in dm after dm
it's what the documents
say about you
that rings the biggest thing
that's actually true
i don't know why
anyone ever trusted you
you're useless
and that's the truth
you painted every picture
with blood and guts and glory
claimed everything was fake
and told them all a story
they didn't ask about your wife
they couldn't give a ****
yet somehow it kept coming up
please ******* take a hint
if there was a line to cross
and a boundary to be set
you would've failed every single one
without a bit of regret
but see the funny story is
there was a boundary
and if i remember rightly
it has history
it's not an easy thing to forget
have people act like sheep
its called "don't sleep with your fans
you absolute ******* creep"
Dec 21, 2020
Dec 21, 2020 at 4:47 PM UTC
i don't where this is going
i don't know how to begin writing
what words i should say
i've spent all night deciding
there's not a way to say it
not one you'll understand
i've thought over and over again
and i don't yet have a plan
i guess i'm coming out
that's what we all call it
when you admit who you love
and then you're all sorted
i should sit here fine
but i am very afraid
of the reaction i'll get
be patient in my aid
i'm into men because
they make me feel nice
and i'm into women
cause they make me feel that twice
i'm more into women
than i am anyone else
it's weird to openly admit that
to someone but myself
i guess you could say i'm gay
but i prefer just bi
there's no easy way to say it
and you'll wonder the reason why
why it took so long to say
why i'm only coming out today
the truth is i am nervous
of what you'll all say
you'll laugh and joke and make fun
but i know who i am
you can joke all you want
you're not changing that plan
the plan that i have written down
of who and what i am
because it's been years of wondering
and finally i am glad
glad to be so honest
and open with you all today
i'm very ******* stupid
and quite ******* gay
Oct 26, 2020
Oct 26, 2020 at 8:00 PM UTC
it's a pretty fitting name
one that hits the spot
it fills me up
and it won't stop
makes me feel like
you've left a mark on me
and every other person
in my whole family
in my head, it's false
but you're here too
i'm sitting on the floor
right next to you
i can't explain how i feel
or how emotional i get
but what i know is i miss you
and we haven't ever met
Sep 13, 2020
Sep 13, 2020 at 4:59 PM UTC