no matter how far I've come
how much I've been doing better
I always return and succumb
to this deep and chronic fetter
the darkness slowly creeps back in
too tired, to scared, to restless
maggots wriggling under my skin
psyche becoming monstrous
I know the feeling all too well
like an old friend I can't let go
encasing me in a protective shell
personally fitted not to show
I find I've changed drastically
yet still not much at all
just a child dreaming fantastically
a forest fairy in the fall
the more I learn to love myself
the less I'm fond of others
a dress up doll atop a shelf
with poor emotional buffers
I wonder what it's like to live
as oblivious as you are
what it feels like not to give
your years to itchy scars
Nov 2, 2022
Nov 2, 2022 at 2:24 AM UTC
mornings are hard for me
and they're getting worse exponentially
because last night i told myself
"it's okay, we'll try again tomorrow"
and i set my worries up on the shelf
only to awaken to another day of sorrow
i sleep too much, but it's filled with chaotic dreaming
waking up ten times, heart racing, staring at the ceiling
because i can't escape all the overwhelming feelings
and i don't know where they came from, but i think it's everywhere
so i'm just sitting here, sobbing and seething
crushing my skull with my hands over my ears
and the only way i can express is through paper and rhyme
but i haven't picked up my pen in such a long time
because i think i'll cancel my therapy appointment
since last week i told her i've been off my meds for a month
and i'm so sick and tired of being a disappoinment...
when i said i was doing well, it was just a front
how many cups of coffee will it take
this morning for me to not feel like a mistake
Sep 21, 2020
Sep 21, 2020 at 12:40 PM UTC
I feel sad.
not the kind of sad that makes you
cry for hours about everything or nothing at all,
but the kind that makes you
lay in bed all day,
staring at the popcorn ceiling
in numbness.
the kind of sad that means
yesterday I couldn't get myself to eat a bite,
but today I can't stop filling my mouth
to fill a void.
the kind of sad that means
I went to the grocery store just to look around
and asked an employee about a cat toy sale
just to talk to someone.
the kind of sad that means
I stopped taking my meds a week ago,
because what's the point anymore
when I still feel like this?
the kind of sad that means
I get high and look into my own eyes in the mirror
just to try to remember who I am
because I don't recognize her.
the kind of sad that means
I've been fantasizing about
reaching a blade into my skin,
just to feel anything,
for so long it seems normal.
and I'm not sure what normal is anymore.
I feel sad.
I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise
when I've tried every drug to fix it
over the last decade of telling myself
"just get through one more day"
every morning.
Jun 3, 2020
Jun 3, 2020 at 12:35 PM UTC
the orchid's leaves are dry and crumbled
like a page who's margins are torched
it's reaching stem has now been humbled
to a brittle twig, it's life scorched
for a time, it was forgotten
refound, but beyond salvation
its roots becoming rotten
doomed to damnation
...
a girl cries on the kitchen floor
clutching the *** to her teary cheek
mind plagued by the sickly gore
she's too distressed to even speak
the tab of paper placed on her tongue
opened her eyes to the life that's lost
her emotions unhinged and free to run
the chemicals revealing the true cost
...
the orchid, wilted, a symbol for love
she's thrown away and betrayed
but too painful to be let go of
and too broken to have stayed
he gifted it to her in their last moment
of a devastating goodbye
she needs to reconcile- the flower is gone
but she isn't ready for it to die
May 15, 2020
May 15, 2020 at 10:48 PM UTC
a little girl
staring, distracted
by the scars on my thighs
she points
"what happened"
with concern in her eyes
...
I pause
"a very mean cat"
I mutter with dismay
she looks
she considers it
and she says, "okay"
I wonder
if she had asked more
what would I say
"this cat
is untamed and unreliable
but it's certainly not a stray
this cat
sleeps in my bed at night
and follows me every day
this cat
I try to ignore or dispute
but it's here to stay
this cat
I'm used to the violence
so it's okay"
May 8, 2020
May 8, 2020 at 12:07 PM UTC
I stepped on the scale the other day.
It startled me in an unpleasant way.
What the number was, I'd rather not say.
Doesn't seem like you'd care anyway.
But it bothered me, and I know why.
Not the weight on my *** or thighs,
But the weary look inside my eyes,
As I gaze in the mirror, pinch my flesh, and sigh.
Effortlessly, I lose my appetite,
Without putting up any kind of fight.
My insides grumpled through the night,
But I refuse to take a bite.
My therapist thinks it's about control,
Something deeper within my soul.
The hunger makes me feel more whole,
But it slowly begins to take its toll.
I learned to enjoy the weakening pain,
Feeling the blood slow in my veins,
Any movement, a forceful strain,
But it makes sense inside my brain.
Feeling cold in a warm room is a success,
But I am not quite able to express,
Why I keep coming back, why I regress,
When I feel the slightest stress.
May 8, 2020
May 8, 2020 at 11:50 AM UTC
I had a dream about you
last night.
you died.
in the dream,
I missed you.
I cried for you.
but I don't miss you
in my life.
I wonder
how you are.
but I don't wonder
what we might have been.
May 8, 2020
May 8, 2020 at 11:26 AM UTC
you are an a d d i c t i v e substance,
and you still haven't left my system.
a potent chemical coursing through my veins,
making me beg for just a little more.
one more conversation, one more smile,
one more hit to tide me over for a while.
but i keep coming back a g a i n and a g a i n,
"i promise this is my last hit,"
but it never is.
i can compare you to nicotine,
but in some ways you are worse.
the stench of that "lava flow" vape juice
is still permeated in my car upholstery.
the sickening, sweet smell reminding me
of what i have disallowed myself to posses.
but with you
the reminders are all around,
and the cravings
don't lessen after three days.
you aren't doing me any good
i'm aware.
that's why i'm trying to quit you.
but the voice in my head w h i s p e r s
that you aren't that bad,
that i can handle it.
so i'll keep waiting for these cravings to fade,
but i won't say that i'm an a d d i c t.
Nov 6, 2019
Nov 6, 2019 at 9:18 PM UTC
The clouds are passing quickly
Too fast to say hello
The world is rushing past me
And I'm still stuck in slow-mo
Oct 15, 2016
Oct 15, 2016 at 12:45 AM UTC
sometimes the only thing
that keeps me going is the sunrise.
most mornings, I wake up and my
first thought is that I wish I hadn't, and
nothing is going the way I wish it would.
but then I see the sunlight piercing through
holes in the clouds and all of the colors
fading together as if the brush strokes
had just been wiped away, and I
feel as if my lungs are being inflated with oxygen for the first time,
and I feel as if everything is going to turn out okay.
I feel like that when I see you, too.
Oct 2, 2016
Oct 2, 2016 at 10:38 PM UTC