It never was a cold love.
I dreamt of the snow falling as you pulled me closer
and hoped for New Year's intoxication
that would lead to a confession of adoring establishment.
We were fueled by fiery heat.
When days were longer than starry nights,
but we made the nights count.
A tangle of heat and freedom
rather than simple winter air.
We had always been confined to a timeline more distant and blurry
So how could I expect that vow to stay alive as the world around us freezes?
Nov 27, 2021
Nov 27, 2021 at 2:34 AM UTC
i want someone to talk to again.
to listen to any meaningful thoughts,
and yield intellectual conversations with.
but i have accepted that i am simply a body.
a combination of cells that can bring you pleasure.
not the freckles that dot my arms or the dimple that appears when i feel genuine happiness.
nothing but ***** and *** and places for your uninvited hands to reach.
so i give you what you want,
let you take whatever you need to feel complete,
in hopes that we can lay on your bed after,
and simply talk.
but the second you are done with me, i am pushed away without a single word.
and the next girl comes in,
but you don’t look into her beautiful eyes or take into account how inspiring her words are,
instead you notice the places she is bigger or smaller than i am,
and use us both as another tally on your wall.
Oct 28, 2021
Oct 28, 2021 at 12:19 AM UTC
“it’s cheesy but..”
i knew what the question would be.
the most casual ice breaker.
an essential bit of knowledge about someone to know them at a baseline level.
“..what’s your favorite color?”
“green.”
i replied shortly.
trying to hide the parallel occurring in my mind.
because he asked.
he wondered.
it was so different from that night you looked at me and said,
“green right?”
i was confused until you continued,
“that’s your favorite color?”
like the trees on the night you kissed me as we danced under stars.
like the fireworks in early july where you held me in your arms.
like the sheets we found ourselves tangled up in over and over again.
“how’d you know?”
i asked you as the connection between our eyes grew.
“i just did. it’s mine too.”
and so now we share a favorite color.
along with those memories of a time where there was love growing like the green of the earth,
rather than the green of envy and hatred.
maybe with him i’ll share something else.
but my favorite color will always be ours.
Oct 21, 2021
Oct 21, 2021 at 1:44 AM UTC
i find myself searching for remnants of you.
pieces of the person i thought i understood left over from the storm that you so carelessly created.
cast away fragments of an identity i could once correctly perceive but now struggle to pick apart.
and as i search for these omitted components of someone i cherished,
my hopelessness grows more and more.
because how will i ever repair the misplaced shape my soul has morphed into,
when i cannot seem to rehabilitate the idea i have of you in my head to fit this new persona you have constructed.
and as the nights grow longer,
and days shorten,
perhaps those forgotten pieces will materialize.
or perhaps it is all a tragic and solemn endeavor
that ends with me forgetting who you were.
Sep 3, 2021
Sep 3, 2021 at 12:20 AM UTC
i pray for you every night.
even during those times where i doubt in God.
and when that doesn’t seem to work,
i wish on every single star.
i spend birthday candle wishes on the thought of you,
waste away dandelions in hopes of a trade,
my breath for a moment of being yours again.
and in those prayers,
i barter with God.
to bring you the happiness you’ve been searching for,
to fill your days with the self fulfillment i know you crave.
i pray you’ll find yourself again,
and see the future through hopeful eyes,
i pray someday you’ll be able to see yourself,
as the capable, beautiful person you are.
and after i beg God to bring you joy again,
i ask Him if maybe i could be a part of that optimistic future.
because although my prayers turn selfish,
i still believe it’s us in the end.
Aug 25, 2021
Aug 25, 2021 at 11:31 PM UTC
i sit here
resting on everyone else’s wavelength
running on their borrowed time
since i tend to have too much of mine own
spending the hours waiting
hoping for the timelines to meet up
anticipating what it will be like
when there’s a moment for me.
Aug 24, 2021
Aug 24, 2021 at 2:06 AM UTC
i’ve been trying to fill the void you left.
first in an attempt to make you miss me,
by counting my calories and running for hours on end.
and that worked for a while.
but then it was empty again.
so i resorted to new substances,
smoking things you had warned me of.
getting that high and forgetting about you until it all came crashing down again.
and then finally with older men,
in crowds that should’ve made me uncomfortable.
but for some reason the objectification i received eased the pain of your rejection.
until it went too far,
and i didn’t have you there to protect me anymore.
Aug 15, 2021
Aug 15, 2021 at 9:20 PM UTC
most of all i miss saying goodnight to you.
closing my eyes and processing that the last thing i heard was “i love you”.
dreaming of what we would create in our infinite tomorrows.
imagining you there next to me,
easing my anxiety with your touch.
breathing in the same air under the same blankets.
and second most of all i miss waking up,
to the optimism that surrounded the future we had.
when that future was of us,
and when i knew my days would be filled of i love you’s
Aug 5, 2021
Aug 5, 2021 at 12:48 AM UTC
Time.
That's what you need.
I can give you time.
But I'm sure already that time will change me.
Warping my image of you,
into an unrecognizable,
undesirable form.
So if it's time you need,
I'm giving you all the time in the world.
I can't promise I'll be able to handle the separation,
I can't promise I'll be here when that time is up.
Aug 4, 2021
Aug 4, 2021 at 9:02 PM UTC
the last time i sat here was with you,
on the smallest step off the porch in my backyard,
you grabbed my hand in yours and told me you loved me.
so much has changed since then.
i fondly recall now how i couldn’t focus on anything but your eyes,
the chill in the air brought me closer to you.
this time around the crickets fill the emptiness,
that has been surrounding me since you left.
i let myself shiver,
and wonder if you were here,
how different things would be.
Aug 4, 2021
Aug 4, 2021 at 2:29 AM UTC