I.
my friendship is yellow
my friendship is being your favorite color
II.
you are falling and you don’t realize until you hit the bottom and your fingernails have dirt underrate them from digging and digging because your skin has been white-hot burning for so long the air against your skin as you free fall felt like relief
III.
and i know i was alive once because i can still hear ocean waves crashing in my ears
IV.
flickering embers
distorted by ***** wine glasses
you aren’t here
but i’m starting to think you never were
V.
through the swaying leaves of almost-summer,
not yet humid but enough to wear your favorite green sandals,
enough where you are not yet care-free,
but you can almost taste it
like strawberry juices dripping down your chin
Feb 19, 2020
Feb 19, 2020 at 11:32 AM UTC
I am not one to turn tragedy into poetry.
But may this once,
I will be selfish.
I will turn punches to the gut
into butterflies in my tummy
and I will write
about how ironic it is
that my dad,
giving me this brain
that has its signals crossed,
its white flags
disguised as rally cries,
also gave me this blood.
The one that pumps through my veins
and refuses to move forward,
to let me let go.
That my dad,
who gave me this home,
and who gave me this world
and then turned it into a war zone
gave me a body like a tree,
rooted, etched into by lovers hands
and blood like war -
violent, stubborn, refusing.
Feb 19, 2020
Feb 19, 2020 at 11:19 AM UTC
i do not want to remember you
as you are right now -
all sticks and stones
and broken bones,
a rough sketch of a person,
shaky lines as if the artist
was having a panic attack in the corner of a coffee shop.
tears fall onto the page and blur the lines
so i do not know where you stop
and the medicated beat of your heart begins.
you were a work of art,
a statue carved out of marble,
the universe took its time creating you
long hair like princess
but the strength of a warrior.
but as you lay in your bed,
diseases erasing you so aggressively
they tore a hole right through the page
and we cannot color you in as fast
as you are fading.
you are fragile,
a paper doll
turned into a sympathy card
i'm sorry for your loss.
Apr 25, 2017
Apr 25, 2017 at 2:42 PM UTC
i want a drought.
i want the rain to stop hitting the roof like incessant knocks of a jehovah's witness
("have you been saved?")
you are unwelcome here.
i want a drought
because i don't think that my veins, running like rivers, my heart, swelling like a cloud about to burst with rain,
can handle one more phone call in the middle of the night,
one more stifled sob in the shower of an empty house.
on the day of my uncle's funeral,
(they called it a 'celebration of life'
but i've never seen a celebration
where there were so many people crying)
i thought that he would show a sign that he was here.
but it rained all day
and the only thing that i could hear over the noise
was his children crying.
a month ago, tucked into a booth at an italian restaurant,
my mom got the call that they were taking her off the ventilator the next morning.
i had never experienced the feeling of the world continuing to spin
until my mom was crying, my dad was praying, and families all around us
ate their pasta and drank their iced tea and laughed
while our family was falling apart.
the next day, it rained and rained
and stephanie passed away, as simple as a plug pulled out from behind a hospital bed, and a hand going cold.
when my friend took me for a drive,
so i could get out of the empty house,
so i could stop feeling like my throat was constantly on the verge of closing,
so close to suffocating, but never there,
the rain hit the windshield
and on any other day, i would've found it calming,
but it was mocking me.
today, your body lays in your bed, your arms so stick-thin that i don't think i will ever forget the shape of your bones,
your hands are too cold for your mother to hold any longer,
and your heart finally gave in,
and it is raining.
in little intervals,
like just when i think i am out of tears,
they come again,
sure as the setting sun,
hidden behind gray clouds.
so please,
rain, rain, go away.
let me breathe.
let me grieve,
let my eyes dry,
and let me go.
Apr 22, 2017
Apr 22, 2017 at 4:18 PM UTC
she gives me advice
and tugs at the corner of her mouth
some drugstore excuse for a smile
when i squeeze my eyes shut
because the tv
is ruining my dreams
she says things
i know are not true
but i act like she knows
more than me
she is so much
happier than me
act as if she has gotten saved
and i am still learning to swim
when i know
that she is no longer drowning
she is stuck at the bottom
of the ocean
inhaling the seawater
pretending it is oxygen
and she can breathe
just fine
Mar 29, 2017
Mar 29, 2017 at 10:47 AM UTC
some people
just aren't meant to fit
like jamming a puzzle piece into the wrong slot
we collided
and we exploded
and we burst
and then we started over
and all i do with you is /want/
i want you to like me
i want you to love me
i want you to kiss me
i want you to call me yours
i want you to come back
i want you to talk to me
i want you to say you're sorry
i want you to hug me
i want you to kiss me
nothing is enough for me
and maybe i'm too selfish but
how can you blame me
when i see your lips 10 months later
and i can still taste the chapstick you were wearing
the night you kissed me
Mar 27, 2017
Mar 27, 2017 at 2:38 PM UTC
My body is a palace.
And you snuck in, at 3 am,
a robber disguised as a martyr.
You upturned every table,
looked in all the places I showed you in secret,
touched every part of me,
but only left with the pieces
that made it impossible to pin the blame on you.
Mar 27, 2017
Mar 27, 2017 at 2:01 PM UTC
i am so sorry
about your loss.
i am so sorry
about your heartache.
i am so sorry
about everything.
this is not how a romantic story is supposed to conclude.
i am so sorry
that the doctors couldn't save you.
i am so sorry
that the bed is empty.
i am so sorry
because you were the glue.
i am so sorry
because you were far too optimistic
your heart was too full
your spirit was too high
for everything not to fall
apart around us
in the way that only a death this sudden can -
ripping everything in its path
to shreds -
rippling like a wave
my father crying in an italian restaurant,
kneeling at the edge of the bed and praying
pretending that i do not hear
the crack in my father's voice,
or the shaking grip my mother has on my hand.
if god exists,
i think he's a sadist.
Mar 20, 2017
Mar 20, 2017 at 10:29 AM UTC
when we met
i told you
that i liked to spill my insides
all over the paper
and you told me
that you liked to fix things.
take them apart
just to rebuild
and i fell asleep thinking about
if your brows scrunch together
when you are fixing your mother's hard drive
or if your tongue refuses to rest
comfortably in your mouth
when you are focusing.
i never thought that
you would break me apart
and lay out my insides
all over your bedroom floor
just so you could try to fix me up
with tape and glue and whispered sentiments
but by the time i had figured it out
you had already taken my voicebox
placed it under your mattress like
a trophy that you could pull out
and show off to your friends.
Mar 20, 2017
Mar 20, 2017 at 10:18 AM UTC
a house is not a home
a house is not a home
a house is not a home
a house is not a home until you paint the walls with your insides
a house is where you can count 63 creaks of the bed in the room to your left on a night you cannot get out of your own head
a home is where your skin mixes with the person below you until you cannot pull yourself apart without ripping yourself to shreds
and you probably definitely love him, you tell yourself, and you count 47 creaks of your bed
where is your head?
he breathes into your neck
and you look at his walls, painted with his insides, this is his home
where is your home?
you are vagabond, choosing to take bits of everyone else you have glued yourself to in order to keep yourself whole
you use their late night whispers to build a temporary home
but keep yourself far enough that you can sneak out the back door without the walls collapsing in on you
(that happens after you are gone)
does it hurt?
your wallpaper is made up of other people's insides
where did yours go?
Mar 6, 2017
Mar 6, 2017 at 10:13 AM UTC