and in my darkest days
my lowest points
i sometimes think if i had to choose
i would choose not to have ever been born
rather than grieve
to relinquish all of life’s wonder
to deprive myself of the beauty of this world
for all the joys and splendor of this life
no matter how succulent
some days i would have given it all away
i’m already mourning those with breath
Apr 13
Apr 13, 2026 at 12:14 PM UTC
pain is a bit like love
it never truly goes away
and grief is love but filled with rage
i crave to see you
breath is funny
it gets in the way
pain never parted from skips in my breath
with no mind for rhythm
annoying
grief never parted from shudders
distracting
love never parted from gasps
embarrassing
and when i try to grasp control
of the very thing that gives me life
the air has a way of carrying me further
no matter how much i wish to stay
i crave consistency
the wind takes my breath away
and teaches me of my own inadequacy
i will never fly in the waves of life
not on my own wings
i will never breathe the air you breathe
or feel the wind as you do
i crave to smell your scent
as the wind flows through your hair
and carries you to me
wouldn’t it be better
if i really was a dandelion
Mar 20
Mar 20, 2026 at 6:18 AM UTC
bearing the world upon your shoulders
crippling to grasp and smothering to your soul
is this world even worth it
when there is so much darkness
atlas telamon, enduring atlas
the fates born and fostered by you
past, present, and future are
within your arms
the weight is magnificent
the torments and sins of this world displayed so glaringly to you
the pains of humanity are your pains
dread of uncertainty haunt your mind
regrets are
everflowing
yearning for past love in present time with the future a fog, but known too well
as history repeats itself over and over and over
right before your very eyes
you see a glimpse of light
effervescent
fleeting moments of light in this world do occur
but this
this light is strong, it is powerful, but as imposing as
dandelion tufts in a field of grass
like nothing you’ve ever seen before
it takes your breath away
this light is welcoming, like a laugh, but
dare you look?
dare you entertain something more?
you let yourself gaze and behold
a familiar beauty
distant memories and uncoordinated thoughts rush in
the screams of this world
the moans of your own soul
and you realize there is no darkness without light and no light without darkness
it never was and never will be
for all the magnificence this world has to offer
this light was the most beautiful you’ve ever seen
and you look
you really look
for more than a millennia you’ve shouldered the world
the inhabitant’s sins growing to become almost unbearable
the horrors manifested in such barbaric ways
in fact in many ways, you saw the earth was simply
a manifestation of your own inner self
you had become something different in carrying the weight of this world upon your shoulders
or were you always this way?
you are almost blinded with the light
and you falter
you shrug
you feel your shoulders lower, ever so slightly
this small shift in your stance causes the entire earth to quake
earth’s oceans thrown into a multitude of hurricanes
glaciers fall and cause cataclysms of avalanches
earth is no longer recognizable
and yet your soul remains intact
thunderstorms and lightning light up the heavens
dark clouds resemble thick smoke
a battle of the gods
giant gusts of wind rush over entire bodies of earth in the time it takes to whisper your name
violent tornados whisk the contents of the landscapes away
turning shards of ice into lethal weapons
and jungles into something akin to what was once the oceans
deserts into blenders where sand is more like billions of bullets
and swamps into sinkholes the size of continents
and through this all, happening in only a matter of moments, you worry you’ll blink
and the light will dim, or vanish entirely
what if the light was a dream?
but if felt like the realest thing you’d ever known
so unabashedly existing, almost in spite
darkness made this light stronger
this light gave darkness its origin
and as the flames of this world flood your peripheral vision
the light in your pupils
you inhale
and you blink
as your eyes open, you sigh out huge relief
the light is still there
and in breathing, your shrug becomes full
the world inferno crashes from your shoulders
the poles of the earth leaving your grasp
plummeting into the cosmos of eternity
embraced into the arms of another orbit unknown to you
out of your vision and off of your shoulders
your soul remains intact
and with great effort, and patience, you place your hands upon your knees
and you stand
to see the light in its full glory is to know that this world never meant anything at all
and you inch forward
for the first time since almost even you could remember, you’re not stagnant
and as you get closer, you marvel at how the light shines the exact same, not darker
not even brighter
you had wondered if you would see the light more clearly once you were closer
but no
this light existed in spite of you, in spite of the heavens, or hell, or the conception of this world
and your arms reach out, trembling
your breath shuddering
your skin is on fire, and covered from head to toe in goosebumps, you feel the winds of time breathe on your neck
suddenly the light envelops you
your eyes well into tears and your body quakes from your sobs
as did the earth
silly earth
no truer joy could you imagine
no stronger ecstasy could one feel
your body relaxes, and you breathe in sync with this light
you vow never to leave the safety of this light
if you had to carry this on your shoulders forevermore, you would
and you would not falter
and you would not shrug
your eyes already covenanted to never look away from the light, but to marvel together at the universe
in harmony, you move as one
your breaths and laughter creating a symphony of sound and light
a rose nebula
amongst many, yours and the lights story would be a sacred teaching, passed through the ages of humanity
written in stone
carved into the rocks of our planet
told through ritualistic dances by shamans
shouted before the battles of vikings
transcribed by the poets of all time
made into lullabies for the offspring to come
your very own song of solomon
eventually this story, your story, would turn into fable and myth
the earth so far removed from your presence
galaxies away
no matter who believed your story, or thought of it as a simple bedtime fable
it was always told as
the epoch genesis of love
•
Apr 24, 2024
Apr 24, 2024 at 8:49 AM UTC
there must be a use for tears
they’re so free flowing and liberal
aside from the cathartic release of crying
couldn’t we use tears for something
collected tears of emotion for different uses
i don’t believe tears aren’t useful
perhaps i should collect my tears
and anoint my prized possessions in them
when i think of my pain with regard to you
could i collect those tears and touch them to your forehead
could you understand my pain then
would tears become a blessing
a catalyst for true understanding
and when i’m crying from joy
could i put those happy tears on your lips
and could you taste my ecstasy
Dec 12, 2023
Dec 12, 2023 at 5:41 AM UTC
“i live to let you”
my spirit has been broken by the loss of grains
and i feel like the world has become more grey
i have so many regrets for this lifetime
but i really regret every fight with grains
i’d take them all back, every one
i regret my ****** actions when i was younger
and i can’t lie, i regret things i've done since i’m older
i often feel as if i’m not a good person
but i’ve come to realize that i am a good person
just so broken
and it is is my responsibility to heal, because i have power over those around me
i just hardly see the point of preserving my own life
i’ve attempted suicide, and have never stopped self harm
i hope when i’m gone people remember me for the good things
the laughs we shared, and the intelligent conversations
and i hope people remember i love them
despite all my ****
i’ve realized i never let go of love
“love never dies”
and i’ve accepted i will always love you
i never forget you
one day everything will make sense
and things will suddenly become not a coincidence, but fate
lessons that have become invaluable to who we are
i hope to preserve the memories that light up my heart and mind
even when everything has truthfully become so dark
it’s still true i self harm and love pain, or don’t feel it
it’s still true i don’t value my life and am not afraid to **** myself
it’s still true i am a dandelion tuft-a delicate cancer
but i choose to accept what has happened, what i have done, and forgive myself for regrets
and to never forget love
if this existence ends for me, please know i love you and i’m sorry for everything
Nov 17, 2023
Nov 17, 2023 at 4:12 AM UTC
I have been so depressed today. I’m going to be 26 soon. So much time has passed. I don’t know where I thought I’d be at this age, but I’m here. Happy thanksgiving, love 🖤
Nov 26, 2020
Nov 26, 2020 at 10:06 PM UTC
first adult therapy session went... well.
she gave me her personal phone number which i haven’t texted yet. my number one goal is getting my momma’s ashes mailed to me. she’s going to send me the link and instructions. i just gotta text her first. i also want to grieve her properly and find some closure. then the social phobia is another goal, the therapist said she could help me find things to control the panic attacks myself. then to go to the gym by myself is the last goal.
momma, you and i will be reunited soon. i love you, and feel you with me. i hope you’re proud of me. haven’t self harmed in like 2-4 months idk, but that’s good.
Nov 24, 2019
Nov 24, 2019 at 10:14 PM UTC
meds have been working
head has been hurting
forever needing sedation
truthfully wondering why
i even get up and try
resisting every temptation
to cut myself feels so familiar
on my legs and tummy and arm
once on my neck
i wish somebody else would cut me
euphoria
i’ll only rhyme when i want to
i’ll always cry when i say your name
if we had another chance you
might cut off my wings as a game
cut off my wings
right my wrongs with my blood
cut on my body
just deep enough, love
you taught me that love is irrelevant
because i loved you with everything
and yet our love was bad, black, burnt
and even though i loved you,
i’d have still walked away the same
because i always knew you’d be the end of me
and now it’s been so many years since you cradled my face
and the thought makes me cringe
because even though i didn’t say no
losing my virginity wasn’t what i wanted
not there, not then, not yet
but it was gone and then you were gone
and i slowly realized you never loved me
i was just like the rest
expendable and unimportant
at least, that’s how you made me feel in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame
i gave you what innocence i had left
and you ruined my soul
a permanent mark
i still have nightmares of you
i still wake up screaming
you etched yourself into me
and left me sitting in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame
i will forever regret you, but i could never take you back
it was an uncontrollable connection - karmic
fate i think because
you taught me what love was
and what love felt like once corrupted
now i no longer mistake lust for love
i recognize that love is nothing like how i thought it to be
love is easy
love flows like grass in the wind
it doesn’t feel scary or forced
love is much more than pretty words left on my front porch
love isn’t abusive or harmful
love isn’t doing everything to please another
love isn’t lies
love isn’t you
but it’ s interesting,
now i no longer suffer abuse
and yet i must inflict physical pain on myself
to feel alive
dear cutting,
thank you
love, me
Sep 15, 2019
Sep 15, 2019 at 4:47 AM UTC
it’ll be autumn and halloween in no time. this cooler weather is more my style, but not good for the chemicals in my brain. gloomy, cloudy days seem fitting, when really they’re lethal days if you’re not careful. still, when the sun peeks out and warms my skin i remember the summer days of my childhood which reminds me that the seasons change and that if there is discomfort or pain, it won’t last forever. my sister had a baby, my nephew. i was half as far along as her, before i lost mine. baby - i hope you come back to me. it’s crazy how life punches you in the gut and doesn’t offer you a single remedy. you must find your own way, and salve your own wounds. crazy how i say your name every day, but you’ll never come back, i’ll never see you again. or smell you, or be held by you. why do i have a hard time saying goodbye? maybe because i never got to say goodbye, or see you for a last time. maybe because i’m a bona fide baby.
anyway.
Sep 9, 2019
Sep 9, 2019 at 9:29 PM UTC
i’ve been hearing voices again so i’m just
staying high to drown out the voices
so many choices have led me to where i am
and i don’t think it makes sense that such a fragile, sensitive me could be born from unabashed passion
assuming
my heart aches all the time for the smell of my momma
one more time
cigarettes and cherry blossoms and all
i wish i could soar higher and higher until
the glue securing the feathers of my wings melted
and i plummeted to the earth getting to you
i found my biological dad and family from that side
he’s been passed away for a long time
biologically an orphan
but a psychic told me my dad always protects me and watches over me, there is a squash blossom necklace he wishes me to have
physically i will be just fine, self harm is not seriously physically threatening
i don’t want to die really after all
my mind is the problem
i just need the voices to make sense
and they’re not, and that’s making me scared
what is this life trying to teach me?
what about this life determines my next life?
everything
and i never wish to have these scars fade, present life and/if afterlife
every single **** and line
means something
reminds me
i am fragile; but, evidently, i’m still breathing
that has to account for something
yeah?
Aug 22, 2019
Aug 22, 2019 at 6:30 AM UTC