mishy-kim - Hello Poetry

while writing my speech for a class, i realized something about myself. i was always stuck in the middle. growing up in the philippines, i was too korean to fit it with the filipinos, but i was too filipino to fit in with the koreans. i was never really thin or fat. i was sure and unsure about everything all the time. i never completely found a middle, comfortable ground to stand on. i thought i had a happy place, but i realized i didn't. i was always too lost in my thoughts to make one. i wanna learn how to be comfortable in some place. some happy place where i can rest my head, because my anxiety is not letting me sleep. i wanna learn to be comfortable in my grey zone. i want that to be my happy place. i just dont know how, which i think is a good thing. not knowing can lead to more, deeper answers. i just wish i know when im going to find it.

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Sep 27, 2020

Sep 27, 2020 at 4:20 PM UTC

the grey zone

while writing my speech for a class, i realized something about myself. i was always stuck in the middle. growing up in the philippines, i was too korean to fit it with the filipinos, but i was too filipino to fit in with the koreans. i was never really thin or fat. i was sure and unsure about everything all the time. i never completely found a middle, comfortable ground to stand on. i thought i had a happy place, but i realized i didn't. i was always too lost in my thoughts to make one. i wanna learn how to be comfortable in some place. some happy place where i can rest my head, because my anxiety is not letting me sleep. i wanna learn to be comfortable in my grey zone. i want that to be my happy place. i just dont know how, which i think is a good thing. not knowing can lead to more, deeper answers. i just wish i know when im going to find it.

1

There was a time in my life where I was indifferent about you. I couldn't care less about what you did and where you went. After the night I walked out of your life, I became indifferent. It wasn't easy, letting go of my feelings. It will never be easy. But the feelings coming back to my life was the easiest thing you have done. With just the snap of a finger and a text message, everything came back to me. The indifference was gone and feelings, senses came back to me. I didn't want this. My heart wasn't ready to discover territories that were hidden after I left. I shoved my feelings down my throat, just for them to come up again night after night, when I would cry myself to sleep. I never bothered to ask you how you were because I knew it would only end in us fighting. We were a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. It was just a matter of who lit the wick first.

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May 20, 2018

May 20, 2018 at 3:27 PM UTC

It's over, isn't it?

There was a time in my life where I was indifferent about you. I couldn't care less about what you did and where you went. After the night I walked out of your life, I became indifferent. It wasn't easy, letting go of my feelings. It will never be easy. But the feelings coming back to my life was the easiest thing you have done. With just the snap of a finger and a text message, everything came back to me. The indifference was gone and feelings, senses came back to me. I didn't want this. My heart wasn't ready to discover territories that were hidden after I left. I shoved my feelings down my throat, just for them to come up again night after night, when I would cry myself to sleep. I never bothered to ask you how you were because I knew it would only end in us fighting. We were a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. It was just a matter of who lit the wick first.

1

Do you love me anymore? Does my name come up in your thoughts, When your thinking about your to do list? Does my face remind you of the smiles And tears we went through together? Do the halls and doors we walked through Bring you warmth and familiarity? Because it doesn’t seem like it does. Because you find it so easy to walk out The door every time you find trouble Maybe you’ll always be the one Holding the carrot up And me, the stupid one who chases it Just to find out it wasn’t worth it Communication is what kept us together But what you did was just brush me off Like dirt on your shoulders It’s funny how you think my emotions Don’t matter to you But all I did was trust you With my emotions There were points where you boiled my blood Where I thought I was going to die But somehow you save me And leave me to drown again Somehow I still love you Even with all the games you play with me You made me love you and hate you. You turned my world upside down And right side up. Never once did I doubt you Of the strength you had To keep this together You had me in the palm of your hands But then decided to squeeze me And choke me You pushed till my breaking point Until I doubted my own self Now I’m all dried up And my mascara tears are gone Strength might not be there anymore But my love is.

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Apr 19, 2018

Apr 19, 2018 at 1:46 PM UTC

Keep me together, break me apart.

Do you love me anymore? Does my name come up in your thoughts, When your thinking about your to do list? Does my face remind you of the smiles And tears we went through together? Do the halls and doors we walked through Bring you warmth and familiarity? Because it doesn’t seem like it does. Because you find it so easy to walk out The door every time you find trouble Maybe you’ll always be the one Holding the carrot up And me, the stupid one who chases it Just to find out it wasn’t worth it Communication is what kept us together But what you did was just brush me off Like dirt on your shoulders It’s funny how you think my emotions Don’t matter to you But all I did was trust you With my emotions There were points where you boiled my blood Where I thought I was going to die But somehow you save me And leave me to drown again Somehow I still love you Even with all the games you play with me You made me love you and hate you. You turned my world upside down And right side up. Never once did I doubt you Of the strength you had To keep this together You had me in the palm of your hands But then decided to squeeze me And choke me You pushed till my breaking point Until I doubted my own self Now I’m all dried up And my mascara tears are gone Strength might not be there anymore But my love is.

42

I wrote a will. I thought I was going to Live fast, die young. I wrote a will. It’s a will that states The truest emotions Something that should Be kept secret. I wrote a will. For you. Knowing the situation We’re in, I wrote a will for you. I remember you saying I was going to get sick I was going to die young So I wrote a will. I wrote it when our love died When the clouds fogged up the sky When the rain started pouring Maybe it was the stone in my chest Or the love in my heart That pushed me to write one I cut the wrong wires The wires that connected the stone and my heart The wire that connected us. The death of our relationship was the death of me My own body started killing itself I became the girl with anxiety Not knowing it manifested I don’t sleep because I worry I worry you forget me We become something of an empty item It hurts just thinking about it Never once I thought about getting back together Because I hurt you too much You bled out in front of me That image never left This is why I wrote a will. I hurt you too much. I was scared to say it in front of you So it would be better for you to listen When I die I wrote a will.

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Mar 24, 2018

Mar 24, 2018 at 9:25 PM UTC

I wrote a will.

I wrote a will. I thought I was going to Live fast, die young. I wrote a will. It’s a will that states The truest emotions Something that should Be kept secret. I wrote a will. For you. Knowing the situation We’re in, I wrote a will for you. I remember you saying I was going to get sick I was going to die young So I wrote a will. I wrote it when our love died When the clouds fogged up the sky When the rain started pouring Maybe it was the stone in my chest Or the love in my heart That pushed me to write one I cut the wrong wires The wires that connected the stone and my heart The wire that connected us. The death of our relationship was the death of me My own body started killing itself I became the girl with anxiety Not knowing it manifested I don’t sleep because I worry I worry you forget me We become something of an empty item It hurts just thinking about it Never once I thought about getting back together Because I hurt you too much You bled out in front of me That image never left This is why I wrote a will. I hurt you too much. I was scared to say it in front of you So it would be better for you to listen When I die I wrote a will.

44

I had my first kiss at the age of 16 I was young and naive and didn’t know what love meant It didn’t feel like sparks Just like the movies But felt the emptiness in my heart As soon as we touched I knew it wasn’t love More like lust More like the desire to have someone Face to face He didn’t see the scars Because of my dark cloud And that’s why he kissed me I didn’t let him touch me Because I was scared He’d feel the stitches in my heart And run away At 17, I fell in love. The boy was just as cute As a character in a cartoon He was an outline of the perfect person. He lived and loved what I lived and loved Just like a wave, The emotions crashed onto me, Capsizing the boat I once loved I found something called hope In your eyes I became to know what it was To be happy And to be satisfied But this didn’t last long 2 years passed It seemed like forever I thought that i was going To be with him forever But my plans never come out The way i wanted it to It was so ironic that Every time i was happy with you, It always rained. Because somehow, My tears never stopped It only became faster And faster And closer to the day When it dried And when it did, It was the day I left you. My dear, This was the end to our chapter. But every end has its benefits Every end means the Start of a new beginning

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Nov 30, 2017

Nov 30, 2017 at 2:29 AM UTC

Finest Hour.

I had my first kiss at the age of 16 I was young and naive and didn’t know what love meant It didn’t feel like sparks Just like the movies But felt the emptiness in my heart As soon as we touched I knew it wasn’t love More like lust More like the desire to have someone Face to face He didn’t see the scars Because of my dark cloud And that’s why he kissed me I didn’t let him touch me Because I was scared He’d feel the stitches in my heart And run away At 17, I fell in love. The boy was just as cute As a character in a cartoon He was an outline of the perfect person. He lived and loved what I lived and loved Just like a wave, The emotions crashed onto me, Capsizing the boat I once loved I found something called hope In your eyes I became to know what it was To be happy And to be satisfied But this didn’t last long 2 years passed It seemed like forever I thought that i was going To be with him forever But my plans never come out The way i wanted it to It was so ironic that Every time i was happy with you, It always rained. Because somehow, My tears never stopped It only became faster And faster And closer to the day When it dried And when it did, It was the day I left you. My dear, This was the end to our chapter. But every end has its benefits Every end means the Start of a new beginning

57

Love, Isn't the same. It isn't the same As I used to feel. Love with you Was a burning passion That was fueled by Words and gifts Love with you Brought out the best And worst in me But that love changed. Now love with you Is a quiet hum It can only be heard when People are quiet But you can feel it. The calmness of this Love Overcame my being As the silence creeped in, The darkness came with it I swear, I could feel the vines Tugging on my heart The anxiety drowned Me in tears and My screams Couldn't be heard Thoughts of losing You came into my Mind like B u l l e t s One by one My knees are too weak To pull myself back up The silence grabbed me by My neck and threw me across the Wall Farther from you. Is this love? The pain and suffering Of the silence I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. Give me the fire once again. Set my heart ablaze. Love me with the passion That I will never forget. Just love me.

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Jul 30, 2017

Jul 30, 2017 at 2:11 PM UTC

The silence that kills.

Love, Isn't the same. It isn't the same As I used to feel. Love with you Was a burning passion That was fueled by Words and gifts Love with you Brought out the best And worst in me But that love changed. Now love with you Is a quiet hum It can only be heard when People are quiet But you can feel it. The calmness of this Love Overcame my being As the silence creeped in, The darkness came with it I swear, I could feel the vines Tugging on my heart The anxiety drowned Me in tears and My screams Couldn't be heard Thoughts of losing You came into my Mind like B u l l e t s One by one My knees are too weak To pull myself back up The silence grabbed me by My neck and threw me across the Wall Farther from you. Is this love? The pain and suffering Of the silence I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. Give me the fire once again. Set my heart ablaze. Love me with the passion That I will never forget. Just love me.

49

Maybe this wasn't meant to be. Maybe this was just a vivid imagination of what could be. I fell in love with the idea, not the journey. The trepidation in my heart consumed me. if this was meant to be, if the stars lined up just right, for me this to be, why is it a stone in my heart? somehow I became the girl who became addicted to something she needs, not wants. What I wanted was to dance. I wanted to paint the colors of my life with what I have. But the stars and planets are never stationary. They kept moving, and I was moving with them.

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Mar 4, 2017

Mar 4, 2017 at 11:21 AM UTC

the stars and my heart.

Maybe this wasn't meant to be. Maybe this was just a vivid imagination of what could be. I fell in love with the idea, not the journey. The trepidation in my heart consumed me. if this was meant to be, if the stars lined up just right, for me this to be, why is it a stone in my heart? somehow I became the girl who became addicted to something she needs, not wants. What I wanted was to dance. I wanted to paint the colors of my life with what I have. But the stars and planets are never stationary. They kept moving, and I was moving with them.

22

I love you. You don't know how much I love you. I say I love you everyday, but I still feel like it's not enough. I am a river flowing where no one knows. I am the star that people look at but no one knows who I am. Only you do. I would do anything for you. Whether it's walking through mountains, or swimming across the ocean. I would do anything for you. I love you These emotions crashes on to me and wipes me away Just like a wave. I love you. I don't know how much I need to say those three words for me to be okay again. You don't know how much you really mean to me. I love you. And I miss you. I love you. And I will forever love you. I love you. And I will never let you go. Not again. I love you.

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Sep 10, 2016

Sep 10, 2016 at 11:59 AM UTC

I love you.

I love you. You don't know how much I love you. I say I love you everyday, but I still feel like it's not enough. I am a river flowing where no one knows. I am the star that people look at but no one knows who I am. Only you do. I would do anything for you. Whether it's walking through mountains, or swimming across the ocean. I would do anything for you. I love you These emotions crashes on to me and wipes me away Just like a wave. I love you. I don't know how much I need to say those three words for me to be okay again. You don't know how much you really mean to me. I love you. And I miss you. I love you. And I will forever love you. I love you. And I will never let you go. Not again. I love you.

25

No, I'm not an insomniac I'm a bird trying to find the clouds where my head rests I fly until my wings get tired but I land on the wrong cloud so I am covered in water vapour I start falling and I land on the wrong cloud, again I can't move my wings I can't move anything Something is chasing me my fears I fall this time hoping to land on the right cloud where my head rests I do I rest in peace.

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Jul 20, 2016

Jul 20, 2016 at 4:51 PM UTC

insomniac bird

No, I'm not an insomniac I'm a bird trying to find the clouds where my head rests I fly until my wings get tired but I land on the wrong cloud so I am covered in water vapour I start falling and I land on the wrong cloud, again I can't move my wings I can't move anything Something is chasing me my fears I fall this time hoping to land on the right cloud where my head rests I do I rest in peace.

19

I don't know how many times I cried myself to sleep With scratched wrists And bruised cheeks Every single time I looked at the mirror I wanted to erase the image of my reflection of my face I never wanted to remember how I looked or how I acted or how I talked Self asteem wasn't my issue. It was anger within.

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May 22, 2016

May 22, 2016 at 2:02 PM UTC

Anger.

I don't know how many times I cried myself to sleep With scratched wrists And bruised cheeks Every single time I looked at the mirror I wanted to erase the image of my reflection of my face I never wanted to remember how I looked or how I acted or how I talked Self asteem wasn't my issue. It was anger within.

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