mishka - Hello Poetry

Where are the veins that stick out of your neck this time Furling whirling twirling around the room It doesn't make you any less terrifying Where are the soft sacred thoughts that float on the ceiling I've never lost so much think Bright red dots falling into blue blue blue water Before you lose my mind Hand it to me I've never been so lonely And I'm not even locked away yet I just see pills in my eye sockets I could scratch at my lashes for days There's no water here Just acid at the back of my throat All i am is lust and love and longing Screaming screaming screaming For Mercy Love Touch Air Air Air

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May 20, 2015

May 20, 2015 at 1:04 PM UTC

Untitled

Where are the veins that stick out of your neck this time Furling whirling twirling around the room It doesn't make you any less terrifying Where are the soft sacred thoughts that float on the ceiling I've never lost so much think Bright red dots falling into blue blue blue water Before you lose my mind Hand it to me I've never been so lonely And I'm not even locked away yet I just see pills in my eye sockets I could scratch at my lashes for days There's no water here Just acid at the back of my throat All i am is lust and love and longing Screaming screaming screaming For Mercy Love Touch Air Air Air

25

You will never see this but I want it that way because I am in love with you in a way only I can fall in love; a fleeting glimpse of a stranger's face and a gasp of breath before receding into myself, withdrawing, making myself small enough that someone always notices me. I'm a master of manipulation and I know how to get people to notice me. The people I love are always people who like to protect, people who talk easily and readily and are drawn to their opposites, so I knew I should make myself small to get you to look. And then we talked and played monopoly and you told me you were in advertising and i pretended to be older and we talked and i fell in love with your laugh and your careful nature and how good your face looked, you looked like a good person. Someone i could trust. But now you're leaving and I want to say goodbye but I don't know if that's appropriate. All I can think is that I was washing the dishes and you leaned over me to put a glass away and I held my breath. I felt nothing and only saw a strip of black sweater. But I fell in love and twisted up and you asked me if I was okay. And I turned around with shy eyes and smiled and said "yeah, are you?"

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Mar 29, 2015

Mar 29, 2015 at 6:33 AM UTC

a poem for adam

You will never see this but I want it that way because I am in love with you in a way only I can fall in love; a fleeting glimpse of a stranger's face and a gasp of breath before receding into myself, withdrawing, making myself small enough that someone always notices me. I'm a master of manipulation and I know how to get people to notice me. The people I love are always people who like to protect, people who talk easily and readily and are drawn to their opposites, so I knew I should make myself small to get you to look. And then we talked and played monopoly and you told me you were in advertising and i pretended to be older and we talked and i fell in love with your laugh and your careful nature and how good your face looked, you looked like a good person. Someone i could trust. But now you're leaving and I want to say goodbye but I don't know if that's appropriate. All I can think is that I was washing the dishes and you leaned over me to put a glass away and I held my breath. I felt nothing and only saw a strip of black sweater. But I fell in love and twisted up and you asked me if I was okay. And I turned around with shy eyes and smiled and said "yeah, are you?"

1

It is still too raw waking up every morning and expecting to see you not making noise because you were the only person still sleeping in on a school morning it is still raw and bursting like some awful infected wound when you were dying i kept praying it wasn't cancer now i wish it were because i would have had more time with you it is still raw and flaming not being able to watch series because you're missing out how do i tell you i miss you when you arent a contact on my phone anymore how do i do this? Pops, I went to you for everything I couldnt fix myself how, tell me how? Yesterday, we played a home video and I heard your laugh That dying-seal laugh you could hear a mile away I thought you were there with me You were there with me I'm not ready for this My heart is broken and raw, still too raw

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Nov 15, 2014

Nov 15, 2014 at 7:10 PM UTC

Raw

It is still too raw waking up every morning and expecting to see you not making noise because you were the only person still sleeping in on a school morning it is still raw and bursting like some awful infected wound when you were dying i kept praying it wasn't cancer now i wish it were because i would have had more time with you it is still raw and flaming not being able to watch series because you're missing out how do i tell you i miss you when you arent a contact on my phone anymore how do i do this? Pops, I went to you for everything I couldnt fix myself how, tell me how? Yesterday, we played a home video and I heard your laugh That dying-seal laugh you could hear a mile away I thought you were there with me You were there with me I'm not ready for this My heart is broken and raw, still too raw

21

What was the point of this Now you're just spine in ground Vertebrae caked with soil Rotting dark meat Holes in skin What was the point of wearing that seatbelt Watching your posture Getting those glasses that made you self-conscious Because of the future What about the future There was no future Now you're just skull under mound of topsoil, soul left, mouth open filled with ants This is like a horror movie

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Nov 7, 2014

Nov 7, 2014 at 9:51 AM UTC

gravesight

What was the point of this Now you're just spine in ground Vertebrae caked with soil Rotting dark meat Holes in skin What was the point of wearing that seatbelt Watching your posture Getting those glasses that made you self-conscious Because of the future What about the future There was no future Now you're just skull under mound of topsoil, soul left, mouth open filled with ants This is like a horror movie

14

Pull glass out of fresh wound Blood dripping Glistening Like water off a drowned girls hair Skin bloated Shining Like a whipped donkey Hit with tight rope made of hide like his Which, raw pink flesh, is not the same Like lump of meat On plate, steak you can't eat cooked and Dead Like your father Buried in a small plot Decaying like rotten fruit Memories Raking through your brain Pain from the good Like too-sweet pomegranate juice that makes you want to *****

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Nov 5, 2014

Nov 5, 2014 at 11:02 AM UTC

grief

Pull glass out of fresh wound Blood dripping Glistening Like water off a drowned girls hair Skin bloated Shining Like a whipped donkey Hit with tight rope made of hide like his Which, raw pink flesh, is not the same Like lump of meat On plate, steak you can't eat cooked and Dead Like your father Buried in a small plot Decaying like rotten fruit Memories Raking through your brain Pain from the good Like too-sweet pomegranate juice that makes you want to *****

19

Dear pops 1) You died and will never get to see your grandchildren. I always used to tell you if you didn't eat better you wouldn't get to see them. I was right 2) I told you if you didn't eat better you would get diabetes. In the end they cut out your pancreas and I became right 3) I always thought hospitals were cool. Thanks to you I can't bear thinking of one 4) Why did you never say you were proud of me? 5)Why did you never say you were proud of me? 6) Why did you never say you were proud of me? 7) Never. Not once 8) Were you proud of me? 9) Why was it always about my looks? 10) Why was I always annoying to you? *edit - why did you always find me annoying? 11) Did I matter? 12) Did you think I was smart? 13) Did you think I would become something? 14) Did you think I was a stupid girl who would outgrow her rebelliousness 15) It's been 17 years and I haven't 16) Did you think I was smart? 17) You never thought anything I did mattered 18) You always mocked me, made fun of me, never listened to what I had to say 19) You thought I was rude when I wasn't 20) You labelled me all the time 21) There's a small part of me that's glad you died because now I can love a girl more easily. Now I can love a boy of a different race more easily. Now I can speak to my mother more easily 22) Did you love me? It didn't seem so 23) I always thought my life would change if I lost someone I loved. It didn't ,not much 24) I'm always looking for older men to tell me I'm intelligent. Your best friend. My uncle. My teacher. 25) Guess why 26) I'm damaged. I was damaged before you died and a large part of why is you 27) The boys and I always said you reminded us of Homer Simpson because of your gut and baldness and mild foolishness. In the end you were so ravaged by jaundice you were as yellow as him. I will never watch The Simpsons again

0

Nov 2, 2014

Nov 2, 2014 at 2:04 PM UTC

things I want to say to my dead father

Dear pops 1) You died and will never get to see your grandchildren. I always used to tell you if you didn't eat better you wouldn't get to see them. I was right 2) I told you if you didn't eat better you would get diabetes. In the end they cut out your pancreas and I became right 3) I always thought hospitals were cool. Thanks to you I can't bear thinking of one 4) Why did you never say you were proud of me? 5)Why did you never say you were proud of me? 6) Why did you never say you were proud of me? 7) Never. Not once 8) Were you proud of me? 9) Why was it always about my looks? 10) Why was I always annoying to you? *edit - why did you always find me annoying? 11) Did I matter? 12) Did you think I was smart? 13) Did you think I would become something? 14) Did you think I was a stupid girl who would outgrow her rebelliousness 15) It's been 17 years and I haven't 16) Did you think I was smart? 17) You never thought anything I did mattered 18) You always mocked me, made fun of me, never listened to what I had to say 19) You thought I was rude when I wasn't 20) You labelled me all the time 21) There's a small part of me that's glad you died because now I can love a girl more easily. Now I can love a boy of a different race more easily. Now I can speak to my mother more easily 22) Did you love me? It didn't seem so 23) I always thought my life would change if I lost someone I loved. It didn't ,not much 24) I'm always looking for older men to tell me I'm intelligent. Your best friend. My uncle. My teacher. 25) Guess why 26) I'm damaged. I was damaged before you died and a large part of why is you 27) The boys and I always said you reminded us of Homer Simpson because of your gut and baldness and mild foolishness. In the end you were so ravaged by jaundice you were as yellow as him. I will never watch The Simpsons again

28

Maybe I am disaster Loss seems to fill me up and doesn't it, to everyone though? Aren't we all just floating? Everyone tells me that I don’t need another person because I am complete I fill myself So why the **** do I feel so empty? Why am I lonely? Maybe I am disaster But am I that beautiful kind of disaster That wanted kind of disaster How do I open the skies And hug the ones I've lost? Maybe regret is the worst kind of poison Maybe it kills How do I live the way I want to without other people? I have spent 17 years not hugging other people And I think I know why I am so frightened of intimacy So scared Why would any reasonable person give others bits of their souls? Can you trust? Can you trust? What is trust? How do I grow? How do I empty my cocoon? I know who I am because I say what I am But how do I convince others I am wanted? Am I wanted? I don’t know any more

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Oct 19, 2014

Oct 19, 2014 at 4:16 PM UTC

Loving Bodies

Maybe I am disaster Loss seems to fill me up and doesn't it, to everyone though? Aren't we all just floating? Everyone tells me that I don’t need another person because I am complete I fill myself So why the **** do I feel so empty? Why am I lonely? Maybe I am disaster But am I that beautiful kind of disaster That wanted kind of disaster How do I open the skies And hug the ones I've lost? Maybe regret is the worst kind of poison Maybe it kills How do I live the way I want to without other people? I have spent 17 years not hugging other people And I think I know why I am so frightened of intimacy So scared Why would any reasonable person give others bits of their souls? Can you trust? Can you trust? What is trust? How do I grow? How do I empty my cocoon? I know who I am because I say what I am But how do I convince others I am wanted? Am I wanted? I don’t know any more

31

Sometimes we don't know if we're going to be okay and even that is okay One day at a time while the grief subsides if it ever does

0

Oct 17, 2014

Oct 17, 2014 at 4:26 PM UTC

Untitled

Sometimes we don't know if we're going to be okay and even that is okay One day at a time while the grief subsides if it ever does

4

Maybe there is love here for me Maybe there is love Not in the way I want to be loved But the past 2 months have taught me a lot. That maybe I shouldn't expect too much Maybe I don't need to have perfection Books as gifts and always being there Maybe just the occasional laugh and being comfortable is enough Maybe I'm not settling for second best Maybe I'm being okay with being okay. Maybe my mother and father had a love story The kind of one you read about in novels Maybe they were more than soulmates I don't know why I'm using the past tense Maybe my dad always tucking my mother in at night was enough Maybe he didn't have to buy her flowers Maybe him just talking to her was enough Maybe she loving him was more than he ever wanted Maybe bare-bones love doesn't always mean lacking Maybe I needed to learn this Maybe we're all enough for each other

0

Oct 12, 2014

Oct 12, 2014 at 6:33 PM UTC

Untitled

Maybe there is love here for me Maybe there is love Not in the way I want to be loved But the past 2 months have taught me a lot. That maybe I shouldn't expect too much Maybe I don't need to have perfection Books as gifts and always being there Maybe just the occasional laugh and being comfortable is enough Maybe I'm not settling for second best Maybe I'm being okay with being okay. Maybe my mother and father had a love story The kind of one you read about in novels Maybe they were more than soulmates I don't know why I'm using the past tense Maybe my dad always tucking my mother in at night was enough Maybe he didn't have to buy her flowers Maybe him just talking to her was enough Maybe she loving him was more than he ever wanted Maybe bare-bones love doesn't always mean lacking Maybe I needed to learn this Maybe we're all enough for each other

21

People always say there are some things too terrible to build beauty out of I am lying down on a couch in the prayer room of a hospital Facing the huge cross I don't pray to staple-gunned onto the wall Waiting, while my battery dies, to hear if my father will live or not I'm not trying to make this sound poetic or romantic or even bearable Let's just agree I've never felt so lost in my life, not even when I had no friends and I fought daily with my mother If my father dies, so does she, and I never pictured myself as the protagonist of an Orphans Plight story Certainly not with two younger brothers to care for I feel guilty, because I've imagined him dying sometimes, I always imagine it as a relief but I feel nothing now, not even numbness I wonder if God is punishing me for those thoughts and wishes I'm trying to out-pray those thoughts, counting the blessings on the lines of my fingers Hoping to heaven someone up there will take pity on me and save his life This evening I told my aunt I wouldn't care if he came back whole or not, I just want his dying-seal laugh back on the dinner-table

0

Sep 25, 2014

Sep 25, 2014 at 5:01 PM UTC

this will be a story some day

People always say there are some things too terrible to build beauty out of I am lying down on a couch in the prayer room of a hospital Facing the huge cross I don't pray to staple-gunned onto the wall Waiting, while my battery dies, to hear if my father will live or not I'm not trying to make this sound poetic or romantic or even bearable Let's just agree I've never felt so lost in my life, not even when I had no friends and I fought daily with my mother If my father dies, so does she, and I never pictured myself as the protagonist of an Orphans Plight story Certainly not with two younger brothers to care for I feel guilty, because I've imagined him dying sometimes, I always imagine it as a relief but I feel nothing now, not even numbness I wonder if God is punishing me for those thoughts and wishes I'm trying to out-pray those thoughts, counting the blessings on the lines of my fingers Hoping to heaven someone up there will take pity on me and save his life This evening I told my aunt I wouldn't care if he came back whole or not, I just want his dying-seal laugh back on the dinner-table

13