Last night I had a dream that I was finally free,
Free from the burdens, the anxiety, the heartbreaks that changed the person
I now try to burn endlessly in flames.
For a moment, I felt like me,
Whoever that may be,
I felt like someone who is still very much
A stranger to me, and the decisions I’ve made
Maybe this version of conscious I was experiencing
Just hadn’t gone through life fully,
So he was only showing me moments
Of when I’d forgotten I was happy
Either way, I felt a little bit of peace
Inside of this R.E.M sleep,
A feeling I hadn’t felt since I was 17,
Specially, When I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you
Under swaying blue cypress trees
I felt complete…
So, when you left, and I awoken from my dream,
I couldn’t help but to ask everyone around me,
Why? Why would you let this happen to me?
They explained that in order to feel happy,
You must first feel pain, and within that pain, hides the seed of peace,
And once you plant that seed
And nurture it
Watering it, giving light to its body
You begin bloom into the version of yourself
You always dreamt to be…
M.H. John
Oct 5, 2024
Oct 5, 2024 at 9:11 PM UTC
I’m writing to you from the heart of L.A.
Because my healing process
Just isn’t going the way
I imagined.
I’m having trouble, you see,
With shedding this body, of me,
Because I can still see the imprints of your kisses
And feel the soft dance of your fingertips
Across my skin.
I try to do anything random
To make me happy;
Driving through neighborhoods in Rosemead,
Having my chakras aligned at a random sound bath therapy,
Driving to Long Beach just to write by the sea,
Picking lemons and oranges from the citrus trees
Within my favorite park,
Because when I pour their juices over my broken heart,
The sting brings a feeling, or a memory,
That only you could ignite in me after dark.
Everything I do, I do with the thought of you
And that’s strange for me to admit because
Even after all the California earthquakes you shifted
My grounds to,
And all the pink noise I try to drown thoughts of you out to;
Like driving late at night down Sunset and Vine
While my brother talks to me
About his favorite rapper’s documentary
But I’m only half listening
Because I’m too distracted
About what I’ve just learned about Van Gogh,
He only ever sold one painting in his lifetime
So you can imagine how emotional I get each time
I question why, why I do this
Why I try,
When nobody reads these melancholic thoughts of mine.
However throughout all of this,
There’s one thought that won’t run away from me;
It only talks about how much
I love you
M.H. John
May 6, 2024
May 6, 2024 at 2:52 PM UTC
last night while sleeping
beneath the cosmic’s silver rays
a moon flower began blooming
slowly unfurling
the daze my mind is in these days
As fragrant whispers fill the air
I wander through a world of dreams
Where time stands still and all worries cease
I ask myself
“Why can’t life always be this pretty?”
Walking through my moonlit garden
of the rage that waters my inner peace
I am quickly reminded
Of how someone like me
Can only enjoy the beauty of life
And acceptance of reality
In my sleep
-M.H. John
Mar 7, 2024
Mar 7, 2024 at 6:36 PM UTC
Can you see me
From your bird eye view?
I stay up past three in the morning
Counting the rings of Saturn
While crying to the moon
I try to pray to you
But I get lost searching
In the veins of the sky
Where the colors fade from
Orange to gold to purple to blue
For the perfect star
That could possibly hold you
Feb 16, 2024
Feb 16, 2024 at 6:53 PM UTC
I got home tonight
Walked in front of the mirror
And undressed
Out of my skin
Leaving my corpse
Lying on the floor
I sit next to it
Opening my eyes
To release the water
That have short-circuit
The wires of my mind
I take a deep breathe
And count to three
As I gaze into the mirrors depths
Reflections of my soul emerge
Skinless and vulnerable
I confront myself
Causing my memory to surge
I don’t recognize this person anymore
Dropping the hard drives into the degausser
Old files displaying
An error occurs
“Are you sure you want to erase memory?”
CTRL+ALT+DELETE
I have finally set myself free
Of the AI who controls my mind
Named:
Victim mentality
Jan 13, 2024
Jan 13, 2024 at 1:11 AM UTC
i cried this morning
while washing my fruits
my tears mingling with water
fixated on conversating
about my emotions
simply due to the fact
that everything in my garden
was grown by
the love of me
only to be harvest
on a regular tuesday sunny afternoon
by none other
than the hands of you
Dec 28, 2023
Dec 28, 2023 at 5:33 PM UTC
if i could visit my younger self
i would go back to the day
when the laugh of lions
didn’t scare me away
into a world
i was trying to leave astray
a world that once;
smoked me up whole
making swimming pools
out of my tears
that’d be dusted
off of my cheek
into ashtrays
just for the narcissist’s
around me
to feel at peace
drinking from the sea
of pain they ripped me apart in
because they only knew
what they had bled into me
Oct 25, 2023
Oct 25, 2023 at 11:09 PM UTC
i used to envision myself
gracing scenes of
your spotless minds
movie screens
in films wrapped in gold cellophane
directed in flickers of light
electrified by pain
enhanced by the vision of what
our love could be
switching to black & white projections
anytime i feel happy
to play onto the theme of
my own personal deflections
because even the actors know
i’m the happiest
when you’re without me
Aug 10, 2023
Aug 10, 2023 at 3:57 PM UTC
if the walls of my bedroom could talk
they’d say how i cry
to the moon
holding my breath
giving myself chest pain
convincing my brain
that it’s from the novacane
i force myself to take
because now & days
i numb myself
to be washed in your acid rain
because it still lives inside me
storming away
anytime i choose
to speak your name
Jul 26, 2023
Jul 26, 2023 at 2:01 AM UTC
you salt my gardens green
reviving the trees
in which eden
used to swing
calling out to me
to bring my own tears
from the emerald sea
i give them to you
to control
for my gardens may know
how i have
lost my soul
far too long ago
Jul 9, 2023
Jul 9, 2023 at 3:02 AM UTC