I really never use the word hate
But boy do I hate when people ask me if I’m okay
Mainly because I can never gather the words
To tell them how I really feel. But if
You’re looking for my answer to that question
It goes a little something like this.
“No I’m not okay. I’m breaking into a million
Pieces right in front of everyone and no one notices.
I’m losing weight and it’s not from working out.
My thoughts are creating a hurricane in my brain
And I can not calm the storm.
My heart is a battlefield at war with my mind
And I’m afraid I’m losing this battle.”
But wait there’s more...
“My nose hurts from snorting to many lines of insecurity, my arms are weak from trying to pull myself out of all this self doubt and worry, my wrists are wounded from the cuts I allowed others to make.
My smile has been playing hide and seek for awhile now and I’m still searching for it... by the time I find it I may just be 6 feet under.. which doesn’t sound like
A bad idea... I’m tired. I want to sleep.
I think I’m going to take the rest of this pain medicine
Because this pain is to deep, the wounds won’t heal
And hell im tired of feeling. So I think I want to sleep.
Yeah. That’s what I want to do sleep and be at peace” But instead I’ll smoke this blunt filled
With fake I love yous and it’ll be alrights, to numb the pain for a little while. Instead I’ll drink this whiskey until I’ve drowned out all this feeling. Instead I’ll just say goodnight and sleep to forget about being alive for a little while. But trust me “I’m okay”
Nov 14, 2019
Nov 14, 2019 at 6:58 AM UTC
Yesterday I woke up easily.
And you’re probably wondering
Why it’s any harder on any other day.
Well any other day I feel as if my blankets
Are wrapped tightly around me giving
me the inability to move. Almost keeping me from breathing.
Except it’s not my blankets it is my lovely friend depression.
But yesterday I was able to see the sun a little brighter
And the clouds seemed to fade away
Keeping my eyes from raining
And my heart from causing a thunderstorm
And for the first time in a long time
My body felt warmth
My heart had unthawed
And in that moment
My soul was on fire.
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 7:05 PM UTC
My teacher once asked “ What’s your definition of anxiety?”
Everyone around me raised their hand and I
I... lowered my head.
I wanted to raise my hand but anxiety told me not to
It told me not to because the popular girl in the front of the class
Surrounded by all her friends
Might laugh at a loser like me
I’m not a loser but anxiety makes me feel like i lose
In any situation that I’m in
So that makes me.. a loser.
Anxiety is me struggling to fit in all the places
I know i’ll never fit in at.
It’s me putting on my skin tight jeans with my converse
Because that’s what all the other girls are wearing.
Anxiety is me crying at 3 in the morning because the kid
I like won’t talk to me, even though I’ve never spoke to him.
I’ve never spoke to him because every time I walk up to him
My anxiety throws a rope around me and pulls me back
Saying you are not good enough for him
And I start to wonder if I am even good enough for myself.
Anxiety makes me wonder if i’ll ever be capable of loving someone
Because I can’t love myself the way I need to be loved.
And that makes me scared to love.
I deleted this poem 5 times because my anxiety told me
No one would read it.
“Anxiety is like a toddler.
It never stops talking and it
Always tell you, you’re wrong.
And it wakes you up at 3 a.m”
That is my definition of anxiety.
Dec 9, 2017
Dec 9, 2017 at 9:33 PM UTC
Loving you from a far
was beautiful
Until I loved you up close
that was ugly.
I was under false pretenses
thinking you
were different
you weren't
You've showed me
the fakest love
I'll ever know.
And I fell for it
And I'm still falling
for your
false love.
Dec 3, 2017
Dec 3, 2017 at 9:39 PM UTC
Find yourself a love that
Makes waking up and smelling
The crisp morning air
Worth it
Find a love that
Makes faking in love
A lot less painful
A love that makes you
Feel like you're in a fairytale
Instead of a nightmare
Love is supposed to be magical
Not fearful
Find yourself a love that
The makes the sun shine
Brighter on gloomy days
And one the doesn't make
The night seem so dark
Find that love
And keep it
For now a days
A love like that
Is rare.
Sep 22, 2017
Sep 22, 2017 at 11:42 PM UTC
I do not understand how people just chew you up and spit you out.
Half the time I don't understand what is coming out of your mouth.
I loved you and you loved me but i guess our time ran out.
You ran to her and I stayed still
Hoping that you'll come back even though you never will.
I've watched couples smile and be happy, thinking what did i do wrong?
But it wasn't me, it was you all along.
You came back but i told you no.
Then you told me you had no where to go.
I felt bad, but i didn't care.
Hoping i'd turn around and you wouldn't be there!
You said "what happened? you use to love me"
And I said "yeah USE too"
Dec 25, 2015
Dec 25, 2015 at 10:05 PM UTC
There had to be more than 200 people in the room. I stood on stage filming, and I couldn't help but notice her. I watched as she swayed back and forth to the music. I captured every moment of the way her body moved. I tried so hard to not just foucus on her. As the night went on I found myself filming her oer and over again. I longed for her energy and her presence. She inspired me. Her smile. The way her eyes lit up. I longed for it all. The worst part of it all? She was a mystery. I didn't know her name, her interests, nothing. Nothing but a beautiful soul captured in a lens. And that's all I'll ever know of her.
Dec 13, 2015
Dec 13, 2015 at 11:41 PM UTC
Hello?
Can you see me?
I'm right here next to you, watching t.v
OH, i'm sorry i forgot.
Forgot that I'm nothing to you anymore.
A white mist flowing above you wanting to jump inside you and yell LOVE ME!
That is all i've ever wanted was for you to love me.
But you love her now.
And we will never be.
Goodbye.
Nov 20, 2015
Nov 20, 2015 at 3:12 AM UTC
Ohana means family and family is forever
But the times get rough when we all aint together
Who's fighting with who
And you're walking around crazy cause you don’t know what do.
When one says a name the other one flinches
and every time you turn around another one is ********
What happened to the times wed **** for each other
Take a bullet for each other
Now its turned into "We'd **** one another"
everyone's depressed cause none of us are talking
Then it gets worse when one of us goes walking.
Ohana means family but sometimes family aint forever.
Dec 25, 2014
Dec 25, 2014 at 11:33 PM UTC
Mom doesn't me. I do not mean me physically because I am there but emotionally mom does not see me. She doesn't see the tears that form a puddle at the end of my pillow. She does not see the hair pulled from my head because of stress.
Mom doesn't see me. I do not mean emotionally I mean mentally. She doesn't understand the discomfort I feel when everything is bottled up but I can not speak to her about it. She doesn't see how far apart we actually are, even though we live in the same house.
Mom doesn’t see that no matter how hard I try the bed pulls me closer. My blankets have covered me and kept me warm at night more than she ever has. She doesn’t realize my pillow is the shoulder I lean on when I need someone.
Mom doesn’t see that I'm depressed. She doesn’t see the emotional pain I go through because I have 7 smiles locked away in my dresser. One for every day of the week.
Mom doesn't see I'm suicidal. Although I have never told her most parents know already. She doesn’t know that I've tried killing myself more than once.
Mom doesn’t see my eagerness to leave. She doesn’t see that my mind is going crazy trying to figure out a way to stay here and not be miserable. She doesn’t see the bag I've packed away just incase I run away.
Mom doesn’t see me. The real me. The one who is eager to explore, the one who writes and sings. She doesn’t see that I can be loving. She doesn't see who I want to be. Instead she believes I'm trying to be someone I am not.
Mom doesn’t see me. Maybe I don’t see me either.
Dec 8, 2014
Dec 8, 2014 at 10:56 PM UTC