mel-10 - Hello Poetry

For most of my adult life thus far, I have pictured myself as someone strong, independent and devoid of fear. I never wanted, and still don’t want anyone to do me any favours, to treat me like I am someone in need of help and I certainly never wanted anybody to do so something for me. In short, I never wanted to owe anybody. I imagine the construction that I have been hiding the truth behind to look like a rollercoaster structure. Elaborate, winding and twisting, thick metal. Those tracks of lies, the illusions I have been building and building into an elaborate structure that obstructs the view to the deeply hidden truth, they are slowly starting to show wear and tear. In reality, I am not the strongest person. I am not weak, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have made it this far without being strong. But I have been lying to myself. Ever since, I can remember, my sister and my mother have called me sensitive. Sometimes, it was a mean spirited accusation, thrown at me in a vulnerable moment. But most of the time, they where simple observations. I used to not take those words lightly. I internalised all of the things the people around me used to say about my mental strength and I would carry them in my heart, believe them, and eventually contort them in a way that made them out to be an abomination, a shameful weakness to be rectified. I let my twisted perception of what the word 'sensitive' symbolises lead me into believing that it was a flaw that needed to be hidden like an ugly wound, covered by layers and layers of lies. Strength, however is not so easily gained. It takes time, openness, honesty and at the end of the day, acceptance, to be truly strong and independent. I might think myself to have mastered all of these things, and truth be told, I am very good at pretending like I have, but I know deep down that I haven’t. I just tell myself that I have. Instead, I decided to ignore the dark pictures behind my elaborate construction. It isn’t incredibly difficult or exhausting to ignore, to feign innocence. In fact, it’s way too easy. I won’t lie to you, I have lied a little there, it is exhausting to pretend. Especially, when you get disappointed so badly that the sadness swallows you whole. The sadness is drowning, because I know that I can’t show it, I can’t seem affected. I would be calling my own bluff that way, which is a humiliation I would rather not bear. So what is the problem? Loneliness. Every day, on my way out of the house I walk by my old neighbour. He sits in that living room, day in and day out. Staring either at his wall or out the window. In the 8 months that I have lived there, I have not seen anybody visiting him. Nobody checks up on him. None of the neighbours stop by to chat. And he is bitter for it. He may not realise it himself, having delusioned himself into thinking that everybody around him is the problem, but he is filled with the deepest sadness that I could imagine anybody to be filled with. Grief is nothing compared to it. Grief shows us that we can love so deeply that we will never forget that love. It is a beautiful thing. But loneliness is the single most darkest feeling that I can think of. I see myself in that old, wrinkled man who always seems to be scowling. I see my present, but even more horrifyingly, I see my future. What if I will never learn to tear down my web of iron? What if I will never find a way to confront the dark images that hide behind it? There are times where I don't want to do that anyways. After all, I seem to be a functioning human being, capable of living in society. Other times, times that occur rarer and rarer, I ask myself for how long I will keep up with this. I ask myself if I have reached a breaking point where I want the images to take over my speech and reveal themselves to the world. I guess, what I am saying is that I am waiting. I am waiting for the moment where I will either have to speak up, or stay silent forever.

0

May 16, 2022

May 16, 2022 at 7:26 AM UTC

Mens Rea

For most of my adult life thus far, I have pictured myself as someone strong, independent and devoid of fear. I never wanted, and still don’t want anyone to do me any favours, to treat me like I am someone in need of help and I certainly never wanted anybody to do so something for me. In short, I never wanted to owe anybody. I imagine the construction that I have been hiding the truth behind to look like a rollercoaster structure. Elaborate, winding and twisting, thick metal. Those tracks of lies, the illusions I have been building and building into an elaborate structure that obstructs the view to the deeply hidden truth, they are slowly starting to show wear and tear. In reality, I am not the strongest person. I am not weak, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have made it this far without being strong. But I have been lying to myself. Ever since, I can remember, my sister and my mother have called me sensitive. Sometimes, it was a mean spirited accusation, thrown at me in a vulnerable moment. But most of the time, they where simple observations. I used to not take those words lightly. I internalised all of the things the people around me used to say about my mental strength and I would carry them in my heart, believe them, and eventually contort them in a way that made them out to be an abomination, a shameful weakness to be rectified. I let my twisted perception of what the word 'sensitive' symbolises lead me into believing that it was a flaw that needed to be hidden like an ugly wound, covered by layers and layers of lies. Strength, however is not so easily gained. It takes time, openness, honesty and at the end of the day, acceptance, to be truly strong and independent. I might think myself to have mastered all of these things, and truth be told, I am very good at pretending like I have, but I know deep down that I haven’t. I just tell myself that I have. Instead, I decided to ignore the dark pictures behind my elaborate construction. It isn’t incredibly difficult or exhausting to ignore, to feign innocence. In fact, it’s way too easy. I won’t lie to you, I have lied a little there, it is exhausting to pretend. Especially, when you get disappointed so badly that the sadness swallows you whole. The sadness is drowning, because I know that I can’t show it, I can’t seem affected. I would be calling my own bluff that way, which is a humiliation I would rather not bear. So what is the problem? Loneliness. Every day, on my way out of the house I walk by my old neighbour. He sits in that living room, day in and day out. Staring either at his wall or out the window. In the 8 months that I have lived there, I have not seen anybody visiting him. Nobody checks up on him. None of the neighbours stop by to chat. And he is bitter for it. He may not realise it himself, having delusioned himself into thinking that everybody around him is the problem, but he is filled with the deepest sadness that I could imagine anybody to be filled with. Grief is nothing compared to it. Grief shows us that we can love so deeply that we will never forget that love. It is a beautiful thing. But loneliness is the single most darkest feeling that I can think of. I see myself in that old, wrinkled man who always seems to be scowling. I see my present, but even more horrifyingly, I see my future. What if I will never learn to tear down my web of iron? What if I will never find a way to confront the dark images that hide behind it? There are times where I don't want to do that anyways. After all, I seem to be a functioning human being, capable of living in society. Other times, times that occur rarer and rarer, I ask myself for how long I will keep up with this. I ask myself if I have reached a breaking point where I want the images to take over my speech and reveal themselves to the world. I guess, what I am saying is that I am waiting. I am waiting for the moment where I will either have to speak up, or stay silent forever.

12

I am an outsider Are you too? We are not made for this world, me and you Always within Yet, somehow without A part of the many But apart from the crowd. Always around Yet, resides in the clouds The echo of a distant, long forgotten sound

0

Apr 17, 2022

Apr 17, 2022 at 3:58 PM UTC

Untitled

I am an outsider Are you too? We are not made for this world, me and you Always within Yet, somehow without A part of the many But apart from the crowd. Always around Yet, resides in the clouds The echo of a distant, long forgotten sound

11

I've seen you smile like that before. Seen you ponder that little square of light with delight. Seen you turn away from me. I used to call you mine. And you'd just smile and pull me closer. I won't do that anymore. You aren't mine. It pains me to realize that you've never been. You were always hers too. She doesn't know that. You probably only know it deep down. But I feel that knowledge course through every fibre of my being right now. And rightfully so. What did I expect? You are you. Wonderful, special. A charmer in your very own way. It was egotistical to expect that I'd have you for my own. Foolish to demand it. You are too special to be captured by me. I can see now clearly how your colourful soul is deteriorating in front of my eyes like the feathers of a bird of paradise trapped in a cage. Can see you snatching and picking at me. Can see you pluck out your beautiful feathers. And after all, there is no one to blame but the person who trapped your beautiful soul in the cageUltimately, it's me. Not you, not anybody else. Just me.

0

Oct 4, 2021

Oct 4, 2021 at 11:00 AM UTC

Just me.

I've seen you smile like that before. Seen you ponder that little square of light with delight. Seen you turn away from me. I used to call you mine. And you'd just smile and pull me closer. I won't do that anymore. You aren't mine. It pains me to realize that you've never been. You were always hers too. She doesn't know that. You probably only know it deep down. But I feel that knowledge course through every fibre of my being right now. And rightfully so. What did I expect? You are you. Wonderful, special. A charmer in your very own way. It was egotistical to expect that I'd have you for my own. Foolish to demand it. You are too special to be captured by me. I can see now clearly how your colourful soul is deteriorating in front of my eyes like the feathers of a bird of paradise trapped in a cage. Can see you snatching and picking at me. Can see you pluck out your beautiful feathers. And after all, there is no one to blame but the person who trapped your beautiful soul in the cageUltimately, it's me. Not you, not anybody else. Just me.

6

Chest on fire A heart of thunder, Emotional unrest Awaiting desire Pain beyond belief, Shivers down my spine, Can't find content Life is a rhyme Strung around the orbit of the conscience Going round and round in an ellipse An elastic, yet rigid circle Relentless is what it predicts

0

Sep 21, 2021

Sep 21, 2021 at 6:22 AM UTC

Gallymoggers

Chest on fire A heart of thunder, Emotional unrest Awaiting desire Pain beyond belief, Shivers down my spine, Can't find content Life is a rhyme Strung around the orbit of the conscience Going round and round in an ellipse An elastic, yet rigid circle Relentless is what it predicts

12

I don't want to receive I just want to give Don't want to entertain Just want to misgive I will never reminisce, I will just keep searching For the next best moment to shine For when it's my time to draw elaborateness into a mundane line I don't want to receive I just want to give Don't want to lose your attention Just want you to be a fixative Want you to hang on to my lips Want to strain my vocal cord until it rips Want you to listen to my ring For you to not get out a thing Listen to what I have to say Don't let your notice go astray Don't leave me alone with just my echo to listen to me Left with an emptiness as vast as the sea So hush and listen to my ring Let me puff, splutter and jabber Give me someone to whom I can cling

0

Sep 21, 2021

Sep 21, 2021 at 5:15 AM UTC

Attention, Attention please

I don't want to receive I just want to give Don't want to entertain Just want to misgive I will never reminisce, I will just keep searching For the next best moment to shine For when it's my time to draw elaborateness into a mundane line I don't want to receive I just want to give Don't want to lose your attention Just want you to be a fixative Want you to hang on to my lips Want to strain my vocal cord until it rips Want you to listen to my ring For you to not get out a thing Listen to what I have to say Don't let your notice go astray Don't leave me alone with just my echo to listen to me Left with an emptiness as vast as the sea So hush and listen to my ring Let me puff, splutter and jabber Give me someone to whom I can cling

23

I am buried deep kilometres beneath yet too weak one day I'll tie up your tongue make you speak hang you until you're hung I am your disease The devil you seek to please I'm the pain you want to ease a crawling sensation that won't cease Who am I Why, you still haven't guessed? Haven't identified the slither behind your chest It's too late for you to deny Beware belie sit still and wait wait until you die

0

Sep 13, 2021

Sep 13, 2021 at 2:45 PM UTC

Monkey on your back

I am buried deep kilometres beneath yet too weak one day I'll tie up your tongue make you speak hang you until you're hung I am your disease The devil you seek to please I'm the pain you want to ease a crawling sensation that won't cease Who am I Why, you still haven't guessed? Haven't identified the slither behind your chest It's too late for you to deny Beware belie sit still and wait wait until you die

17

With you, It feels like I can fly Giving each other high after high, reaching far beyond our sky. Past distant galaxies, That's where we'll go. With you, my mind is soaring, speeding, spiralling, Glowing vertigo.

0

Jun 8, 2021

Jun 8, 2021 at 1:44 PM UTC

The Lovers

With you, It feels like I can fly Giving each other high after high, reaching far beyond our sky. Past distant galaxies, That's where we'll go. With you, my mind is soaring, speeding, spiralling, Glowing vertigo.

8

Not a facade, More like a wall Up until this border! That's how far you may go Better take one step back, Beyond these perimeters My thoughts are deepest black.

0

Jun 8, 2021

Jun 8, 2021 at 1:41 PM UTC

The Freeman transorbital technique

Not a facade, More like a wall Up until this border! That's how far you may go Better take one step back, Beyond these perimeters My thoughts are deepest black.

7

If you'll lift your chin, shift your focus, lift up your gaze a few fractions... What will you think of me? If you'll look into my eyes What will you be able to see? Will you believe my unspoken denies? Rather stay a lover in disguise Would rather live with this hypothetical sacrifice

0

Jun 8, 2021

Jun 8, 2021 at 1:35 PM UTC

The Fool

If you'll lift your chin, shift your focus, lift up your gaze a few fractions... What will you think of me? If you'll look into my eyes What will you be able to see? Will you believe my unspoken denies? Rather stay a lover in disguise Would rather live with this hypothetical sacrifice

7

This cliff you are walking with that obsessive longing That edge is too near Approach it with fear. You are wandering on a tightrope, swaying this way and that in a dangerous lope A meeting with disaster you are sure to provoke The gorge below you is filled with black fire, A searing nothingness awaiting your desire. Don't lose your footing, Ignore the pull! Don't fall, keep holding on, Don't be a fool! Seem unaffected, stay undetected. For you can solely find restraint in the knowing, That if you are showing, what your head and heart feel, Swirling sensations which seem so real, So palpable, they almost take shape A beautiful vapour leaving burns in its wake A beautiful fantasy carrying you right to that edge, A breathtaking Chimera and the hummingbird, an easy catch. So beware of an event so unlikely, a fantastical affair, For this is a castle floating in the air.

0

Jun 8, 2021

Jun 8, 2021 at 1:25 PM UTC

Reaching for Nevermore

This cliff you are walking with that obsessive longing That edge is too near Approach it with fear. You are wandering on a tightrope, swaying this way and that in a dangerous lope A meeting with disaster you are sure to provoke The gorge below you is filled with black fire, A searing nothingness awaiting your desire. Don't lose your footing, Ignore the pull! Don't fall, keep holding on, Don't be a fool! Seem unaffected, stay undetected. For you can solely find restraint in the knowing, That if you are showing, what your head and heart feel, Swirling sensations which seem so real, So palpable, they almost take shape A beautiful vapour leaving burns in its wake A beautiful fantasy carrying you right to that edge, A breathtaking Chimera and the hummingbird, an easy catch. So beware of an event so unlikely, a fantastical affair, For this is a castle floating in the air.

25