They say to be like water
But I’ve always felt more like a pebble in the bed of the river
Soon I’ll just be sand
May 26, 2021
May 26, 2021 at 10:23 PM UTC
I feel like I'm a weight on others around me,
yet my head feels so light.
I can't seem to talk to anyone about it,
but that doesn't stop the inner banter.
It's no wonder I get headaches,
there's so mush chaos.
Contradicting thoughts crashing into one another,
causing vibrations to ring though my skull.
Lights dance and my blood rushes to my muscles,
but I can't move.
Aug 26, 2017
Aug 26, 2017 at 12:28 AM UTC
I've been having thoughts lately,
of a future, MY future.
You are not in this future,
you aren't even welcome in the present.
I've tried and tried to push you out
but you just aren't getting it.
I tried bringing in outside help,
restraining orders and cops at the doors.
But you came back and now we're back together,
you waited until the protection was gone.
You pulled me right back to you- you *******
I was finally thinking I was strong enough on my own.
I want to break up.
I want a divorce.
I want my mind back.
I want my LIFE back.
Jul 24, 2017
Jul 24, 2017 at 12:40 AM UTC
Love is giving someone permission to hurt you and trusting that they won't
Jul 10, 2017
Jul 10, 2017 at 2:55 PM UTC
My darling you are stars..
Millions of small bits of light
Each one representing a laugh
A tear, a memory
Sometimes the stars expand,
They explode without reason
This can be painful,
The formation of a new star
A new spot of light.
When you are up close
All you can see is the light
Just the one star, it takes all focus.
But wait until you are brave enough
Brave enough to take a step back
To look at all your points of light
The good and the bad
Take a look at your life
Your galaxy, only then will you see
The big picture
All the points connect
They create something
Beautiful
Something uniquely..
You
Jan 24, 2017
Jan 24, 2017 at 9:24 PM UTC
When something happens in my life-
I tend to make it worse.
Dig myself a deeper grave.
Maybe it's self sabotage.
I get what I deserve.
Nov 25, 2016
Nov 25, 2016 at 9:20 PM UTC
I find myself apologizing all the time
When I do something wrong
"I'm sorry," I messed up
When I can't quite get my sentences out right
"I'm sorry," I'm taking so much of your time
Bumping into a stranger
"I'm sorry," I was in your way
Someone helping me eat
"I'm sorry," I can't do this like I should be able to
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Even when I'm alone, nothing happens and still
"I'm sorry," for taking up space
It's one in the morning, I'm alone and I'm crying and muttering
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry," I lived and you didn't.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 3:29 AM UTC
I remember the first time..
It crept in,
so quiet
so gentle.
Like how the sky goes black.
But this time it's like a
tsunami, a flash flood
a freefall.
I'm standing on a roof
and suddenly I'm flying through the air
the ground below rising up to meet me
as my brain assures me
"Just this once is okay."
"You'll be just fine."
Sep 23, 2016
Sep 23, 2016 at 1:52 AM UTC
I have a lot swimming through my mind everyday.
Recovery.
Relapse.
Restricting.
Eating.
Work.
Relationships.
Family.
Friends.
Appointments.
Body image.
Self image.
Future.
Past..
All at once.
But when I'm at a concert, a live performance, whether that be a symphony or a rock concert, I am free. It's when I'm full emersed in music, that when I don't feel like I'm drowning in anxiety. Standing up and dancing and head-banging to my favorite songs, or sitting and watching colors and designs sprout in front of my eyes as bows vibrate strings.
The only thing on my mind in those moments, is the music. Singing and dancing along, not a care in the world about what I look like or sound like. Who thinks I'm going overboard. Because the thing is, when I see other people dancing their hearts out and screaming the lyrics, it fills my own heart with such joy and love for them. They're having the time of their lives,
and I can too.
Jul 28, 2016
Jul 28, 2016 at 2:21 AM UTC
"They're going to see how fat you really are if you eat in front of them. "
no, they'll know I'm working on recovery.. this is recovery
"You didn't eat breakfast, so the day is already off to a good start. Why ruin it?"
i need to eat... food is good for me. it is fuel
"Food is fat. "
youre wrong
"Am I?"
...
"When you were in that awful place and they made you eat you gained, didn't you?"
yes but..
"You. Gained. Weight. "
my heart was in trouble
"They were lying. You weren't even underweight yet. We haven't reached our goal. "
maybe..
"We can still reach our goal. "
i don't know
"See? That wasn't so hard. Like old times, a lie here, a lie there. It's nothing. "
nothing..
"You're doing much better. "
i feel so tired
"That's from carrying all that extra fat on your body. "
they want me to go back to treatment
"NO. Everything we've worked for would be RUINED!!"
i don't feel good
"You're fine. You're beautiful. You're thin. "
my chest hurts
"You just need to do more cardio"
"Hello?"
"We reached our goal my love. Congratulations. You're all bone. "
Jul 18, 2016
Jul 18, 2016 at 1:19 AM UTC