I took our pictures down last night.
It still hurt.
After four months of not talking to you,
I decided it was time.
I had been meaning to do it,
but I had to find the time,
the heart
to actually take them down.
I tried not to look at them too much
when I would get ready in the morning
or before I would leave the house
as I passed by.
Last night,
I decided it was time.
I took the frames down from their shelves
and laid them on my bed.
I took my hand and wiped off the dust.
While doing so, my eyes scanned over our faces.
We were smiling.
We were happy.
It was us
and that was all that mattered.
We didn't need boys,
we didn't need anything.
We were best friends
and that was all that mattered.
We used to go shopping.
The antique area was the greatest.
We would walk the brick sidewalks and roads to the CD store,
the collectible store,
and even the vintage clothing store.
We passed the tattoo parlor,
and I joked about going in and making my appointment.
I almost did too.
But I didn't,
convinced it was too far away.
Only to actually get it a couple of months later.
Rides in the Jeep with the top down on the way to the private pool,
with Starbucks in the cup holder.
We talked about boys we liked,
daily events,
and had those days where we just texted song lyrics to each other.
It killed me that I couldn't tell you about my day
and I couldn't hear about yours when you called
everything off.
Now, I know it's partially my fault.
But I tried to patch it all up.
You were the one who called it all off,
without telling me.
I was left in the dust, trying.
I knew it was coming,
but I didn't want to believe it.
It was hard for me.
I couldn't talk to you everyday.
I couldn't tell you about my day nor hear about yours.
I had lost that privilege.
Four months.
It had taken me that long to take our pictures down.
Maybe I was holding onto invisible hope.
I had avoided them as much as possible in those four months though.
My hand hovered over the frame once more,
reminiscing and wishing
for those times again.
Knowing they'd never come again,
not between us,
I flipped the frames over.
I replaced the pictures and my heart ached.
Ached for the good times we had.
But it was something I had to do.
I never knew pictures could make it hurt so bad.
My day went from already ****** to even worse.
I took our pictures down last night,
and it still hurt.
Jul 1, 2015
Jul 1, 2015 at 12:04 PM UTC
You don't need to tell me.
I know I'm a horrible person.
Okay?
I say stuff I probably shouldn't.
I know about stuff I probably shouldn't.
I've never cared what people think of me or what they say about me.
But I try so hard to be a good person.
I try to help as much as possible.
I try to be nice to everyone.
I try to have a good heart.
I say stuff I probably shouldn't.
I know about stuff I probably shouldn't.
I get annoyed easily.
I snapped when someone keeps pushing me after I become annoyed.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my filter doesn't catch all of the information I know about.
I'm sorry I know so much information.
I'm sorry I get annoyed.
I'm sorry that I have a pushing limit.
I"m sorry I'm a horrible person.
Jun 8, 2015
Jun 8, 2015 at 1:33 PM UTC
She agreed to go with me to your graduation party so I wouldn't feel awkward, only knowing your two best friends.
I parked across the street and we walked up your slanted driveway.
A former student said hello to her first, before I could find you.
But you were right in front of me
wearing a blue polo, tucked into your khaki shorts and sport flip flops.
Once you finally looked up, I waited for him to finish speaking before saying, "Hey,"
You said "Hey guys," back and made simple conversation about being graduated. Others showed before you offered us food and drink and you greeted them with long hugs.
I stood, awkwardly thinking why we didn't get hugs.
You offered us drinks in the drive or food inside.
You even joked that there was alcohol in the cooler.
We could drink one as long as we didn't drive. Then you corrected it to get caught while driving after it was in our systems. I laughed and said I was the driver here and she could have one.
You laughed and pointed us to the food inside the doorway.
We made ourselves plates and grabbed a refreshment.
We made our way back to your side to say our goodbyes.
She stepped forward to hug with both arms, as you politely returned it.
Then you reached towards me, next to you, with both arms.
How I now wish I would've used both those arms.
But our position made it almost awkwardly impossible.
I reached out with my left and pulled you to my side.
You grabbed my shoulder and pulled me close. Your left arm lingered in front of me before dropping.
I believe you were thinking of turning into a two armed hug.
Now, I wish you would've. I wish I would've turned into it.
But I didn't.
You pulled my close one last time as my hand clasped your waist.
Your waist, oh so skinny.
That's what I noticed most.
The way your body felt in my hand.
It was all ribs.
It felt nice though.
It was comforting
and your body radiated towards me, keeping me company
even though it was hot and sticky out.
Oh, how I wish I could hug you again.
How I wish there was something there between us.
But there isn't.
I would be okay to be close friends with you,
getting to hang out with you more than just work.
How I wish I could be around you.
Jun 6, 2015
Jun 6, 2015 at 10:15 PM UTC
I'm told you've been in a crash and now in the hospital.
I fish for facts, to know what's going on.
I hear you were stuck head-on on your side, that you have broken bones and a brain injury, that you're in a medically induced coma.
My heart pauses.
I can't think.
I don't believe it.
Then the news story pops up on our local paper's website.
Your friend turned in front of another car which struck you, and your sister in the backseat. The two of you have serious injuries, you're critical. But the two drivers have walked away uninjured.
I just want you to wake up.
Could it have been avoided?
I can't let you leave, I need you here with me.
I need you to push through.
I need God to prevail.
I want to sit by your bedside and demand you wake up but I know that won't help.
I've slipped into a mind coma. I can't smile. I feel numb.
I just want you to wake up.
I just want you to wake up so we can both leave this coma.
Apr 23, 2015
Apr 23, 2015 at 3:47 PM UTC
As I see you two laughing across the way,
I feel as if I've been placed in a modern Disney movie.
One where two best friends finally exclude their third best friend.
They leave her out and are no longer friends.
They laugh together about the stupidest things,
they go get frozen yogurt,
they enjoy Starbucks in their free time together.
They do everything the three of them used to do, but without that one girl.
I'm her.
You've excluded me and continued your friendship. A fight with one wasn't supposed to tear our whole friendship apart. You weren't supposed to stop being my friend because she was mad at me.
But you did. This isn't middle school, why have you frozen me out?
The plot twist though, is that we don't make up like they do in modern Disney movies.
We won't make up.
And that honestly scares the crap out of me
because you two were the ones I could always count on.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 3:01 PM UTC
Here's what I've learned about you...
-You don't like coffee.
-You play Golf, Baseball, Bowling, and run Cross-Country.
-You love to drink Dr. Pepper.
-You have a slouched glide when you walk.
-You drive a red car, in which I haven't been able to find out the make and model.
-You don't like the wind, especially in your face when you drive.
-Your birthday is April 12th, making you an Aries.
-You have a good sense of humor.
-You want to go into Pre-Med.
-You buy bananas often.
-You don't like to stand in one spot, at work, for more than six hours.
-You want to go to school an hour and a half away from home.
-You didn't like all the writing in American Literature.
-Your middle name starts with an A.
That's what I've learned so far...
Mar 30, 2015
Mar 30, 2015 at 10:21 PM UTC
I'll be the first to admit that I love
that adrenaline rush.
I loved having the chance to be the wild child I wanted to be.
It was all great.
Speed Racer.
I've seen you almost smash into a guardrail on a bridge,
have two head-on-collisions.
One with a car, the other with a bus.
You've hit 95 in 35 mph zone. I couldn't wrap my head around how you did that.
It's scared me from day 1 that one of us could get hurt.
That adrenaline rush kept me going though.
Racing you, Speed Racer, was my guilty pleasure.
However, I don't know what I would do
if I could stand seeing you
crash into a guardrail
or have a head-on collision.
I can't be responsible.
And when that chick told me that she hoped I crashed because it would be funny...
That's why I told you I couldn't participate anymore.
It kills me, Speed Racer.
My resistance can only be so strong.
It kills me that I can't take part in my guilty pleasure.
It kills me that I can no longer race you, Speed Racer.
Mar 30, 2015
Mar 30, 2015 at 10:11 PM UTC
A memory makes smile.
That moment sparked a fire. It was everything I had wished for.
I always wanted those moments, within these years, that I could look back on, in 40 years, and laugh or even say how stupid I was. That's what I wanted.
I was such a cautious child though. I knew it was better to be safe rather than sorry.
Honestly, it was when I turned sixteen that I realized that I would rather be sorry than safe.
I'd rather regret something of spontaneous moments than regret not taking a chance at whatever the topic may be.
It was when I went fifteen mph over the speedlimit to beat you, yet still lose, did I feel that adrenaline. Maybe it was just for a moment, but I looked forward to it each day.
You and I would race back to our destination
and tease each other about as soon as our vehicles were put in park.
I didn't understand how in the hell you would beat me each day.
It was because you went sixty-five mph in a thirty-five zone.
It makes me smile.
It was a moment that sparked a fire.
I can now look back and laugh about how stupid I once was.
Maybe I am stupid, but I'm happy.
Mar 25, 2015
Mar 25, 2015 at 3:11 PM UTC
You feel your heart begin to crack and crumble
as it begins to shatter.
You finally realize that the two people that you always thought would be there want nothing to do with you.
You want to exclaim your pain, but you hold back
afraid that one will notice.
You're afraid because you almost want her to notice.
In all reality, you know she won't.
You want them both to notice but you've realized they don't want a thing to do with you.
There was a time when you meant something, everything, to them.
You still feel that they mean something, everything, to you.
They helped you through so much.
You did everything you could to help them and to keep their wonderful smiles afloat from all the troubles they had too.
You feel your heart begin to crack and crumble
as it begins to shatter,
as you begin to cry,
as it becomes harder to breathe,
as you realize they're done with you.
Your heart begins to crack and crumble
as it begins to shatter.
Things change and people change.
Mar 21, 2015
Mar 21, 2015 at 11:29 PM UTC
You've seen me with wildly frizzy hair
in holey trashed jeans
with the thinnest level of makeup.
You've talked to me as I try to flirt with you
texted me as I try to flirt with you.
You must have some idea that I find interest in you.
You have yet to see my dark side.
While I feel you are showing a blooming interest,
there's days that I feel nothing-as if you don't care for me.
You have yet to see me have a meltdown
to see me freak out on someone
to see me be wildly angry.
Will it scare you away?
Will it make you run?
I'm more afraid of scaring you off.
Please don't be afraid...
Feb 17, 2015
Feb 17, 2015 at 1:00 PM UTC