maxx-lopez
American
me maxx. you follower. / iDance. iRun. iSkateboard. iYoga. / i live life my by the motto, "im not here to make friends. im here to become americas next top model." / lets go set some things on fire together. / tumblr: ofmaxxmonstersandmen.tumblr.com / instagram & twitter: @tothemaxx11 / -all original poems-
i remember
all the memories we made
at the stroke of 12
in the middle
of the night.
all the moments
we spent together
dreaming of
the future
we have together
when we get out.
thinking of the life
we would live
once we are away
from the horrors
and nightmares
that reek in this life.
wondering about
where we would go
and who we would be
once we got out
and burned this town
and left it all behind
and never
ever
not ever
looked back.
all the memories
we made
at the stroke of midnight,
they are
anything
but
coming true
because there is
no more
a me and you.
Sep 27, 2013
Sep 27, 2013 at 2:23 PM UTC
you’re gone.
and you may come back,
but i won’t be waiting at your doorstep.
you’re gone. and so i am.
you left me behind,
not once,
but twice.
this has happened before.
i’ve left before you can come home.
treat me like dirt,
i’ll treat you like mud.
you’ve done this before,
not only to me.
you’ve done this before,
so how could i not see.
how could i not tell
that you would leave without saying goodbye.
how could i not see that i wasn’t important to you at all,
but you were important to me.
i never got a goodbye from you,
and its such a shame
because, you see,
you will never
hear a hello from me.
Sep 2, 2013
Sep 2, 2013 at 3:12 AM UTC
sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt know how to be sad.
sometimes i miss the moments
when we were never apart.
sometimes i miss the days
that never let the sun set.
sometimes i miss the days
we didn’t know judgement and hate.
sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt know about abandonment.
sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt wish to die instead of live.
sometimes i miss the days
where i didnt see everything has a suicidal escape.
sometimes i miss the days
where all your words were of innocence.
sometimes i miss the days
when people didnt tell me, “smile more.”
sometimes i miss the days
when i did remember how to smile.
sometimes i miss the days
where i didnt know what relapse and recovery meant.
sometimes i miss the days
when everyone loved everyone.
sometimes i miss the days
that meant everything to me.
but now they’re gone.
and im here alone.
some days i miss the times
i thought i knew happiness.
because thats all i ever knew.
Sep 2, 2013
Sep 2, 2013 at 3:11 AM UTC
left out in the street.
left out in the rain.
left out to die.
left with only pain.
you walk away.
dont even look back at me.
dont think to stay.
youve had your fun.
you saw your rays of sun.
but thats over.
you take it all back.
"we were just having fun,
but i think we’re done.”
i was to fill your void.
but soon you felt annoyed.
annoyed sadly by me.
that is quite clear to see.
so kick me out.
drop me off.
push me away.
shove me down.
toss me behind.
and walk away.
me stuck under the cold rain.
waiting for a new day.
a better day.
a new day.
a day that’ll never come.
not for me at least.
thanks to all that i’ve become.
i’ll lie here.
and the worst part is,
i’ll stay here.
and wait for you to come back.
when i’ll apologize.
and you’ll forgive.
but my tortured memories,
are to be relived.
Sep 2, 2013
Sep 2, 2013 at 3:10 AM UTC
September.
remember,
back in school
being seniors
meant we had rule.
we were on top
and nothing
would make us stop.
but that didn't mean
i didnt have deep secrets
in my dreams.
school had just begun
back when we still
had the sun.
but i had clouds closing in
thought i didn't tell a soul.
so i began my journey
into the deep, dark, hole.
October.
remember, when the days grew dark so fast.
but that didn't stop others from having a blast.
when i was asked to go,
i always said no.
because when the sun set,
that reminder became a threat.
i was busy
gathering what i need
to carry out my
one
last
final
deed.
November.
remember.
remember november?
i know you do.
i know you wish it wasn't true.
i know you wish i could make it undo.
but don't you see,
what people do or say
really does hurt me.
if you already know that,
why did you call me fat?
if you already knew i was sad,
why did you save what you had?
if you dont know why,
why did you let me die?
remember?
back in november?
sunday night
to
monday morning.
my heart stopped beating.
happy 18th, baby girl.
watch your blood swirl.
onto the floor
or down the drain.
outside her window,
it rained, and rained, and rained.
3 empty bottles by her bed.
mother's hands holding her head.
paramedics write it off
as suicide;
her own hands
is how she died.
now,
i know you remember.
back to december.
seniors you were,
but everything became
a sudden blur.
all the tears,
being blinked away.
wishing i could have stayed.
now that i'm gone,
you finally realize
what you had ll along.
even though you're too late,
you'll treat this matter
with more weight.
i wish you knew
before monday morning,
at 12:02.
september began.
october started to show.
november held all the signs.
december you are undermined.
remember how you felt
back in december?
feelings of then
will teach you
when it happens again.
so please,
learn from my death and me.
save the one for whose life
can be foreseen.
and lastly,
make me a promise,
never
ever
forget.
always
remember
december.
Aug 29, 2013
Aug 29, 2013 at 6:28 PM UTC
35 years from now
you drinking in a bar
only thinking"How?"
you begin to remember
back to that year,
in november.
that day in november,
you will always remember.
how could you not
you are the reason after all
why she would bawl.
sunday night,
he left you 6 messages
and called 9 times.
with no answer from you
her lips ended in blue.
but this time,
it's 12:02.
morning of monday,
it was her birthday.
35 years later,
head in hands,
asking "why did i let her?'
october,
she called your name.
but you claimed
it was just a game.
then came early november
you can help but remember
how she asked for your hand,
but said you had other plans.
her end came nearer
and not until now
do you see clearer.
not until after did you notice
her absence of laughter.
today,
is her birthday.
and every year
you have too many beers
and add one more regret
starting with the day we met.
'if i never said hello,
and you never said hi,
you wouldn't have to say
goodbye."
today, you have 35 regrets.
today you have another
reason to fret.
35 years later,
you still don't see.
what made her
do all these terrible things.
but deep down,
you really know.
if you hadn't said
"i wish i didn't say hello",
she would still
be alive, and not ill.
if you hadn't been so mean,
she would've been alive
to celebrate her turning eighteen.
Aug 29, 2013
Aug 29, 2013 at 6:17 PM UTC
Here comes the train.
the train, here is comes.
here comes the train.
hear it?
its getting louder, '
and louder,
and louder,
and louder,
more than ever before.
here comes the train.
i'm sure you hear the train.
it was the horn,
that she heard so well.
it was the horn,
that told her it was nearing.
it was the horn,
that let her know when to step out.
it was the horn,
that blew and sounded; loud and clear.
here comes the train,
the train here it comes.
Aug 25, 2013
Aug 25, 2013 at 9:19 PM UTC
i'll never let you see
what you've done to me
i'll never let you know
where i'm planning to go
except after i'm gone
you'll all be too late.
to say if i could just have wait.
wait for what?
for me to slice another cut?
then you run, tp say what i have done
for you to feel like you have won.
won the battle between me and my life
with you not even involved
but there i go again
slaying against my wrist is the knife
and sitting there
as i tear
tear off the plastic
uncap the lid
discover whats been hid
a capsule of blue
multiple and brand new
taste the bottle on my lips
not even the razor's nips
could substitute what i will soon endure
a pain free path for sure
but the only way to get there?
step in the puddle of blood
there's no lack of it, it's a flood
a flood of my own
nothing i have ever shown
as the ultimate sacrifice, i just want to say,
maybe there would have been one day
when someone would have finally said
"the things inside your head
are driving insane
and its leading you to a world of pain.
take my hand, and follow my lead
someplace to where you will not need
the use or crave for blades & pills
because my love & caring will end your desire to ****
but that is all a tale
it is all in my head
that someone will have said
"i will save you."
and now its too late
because i will reach for the razors as my evening date
and later lose my innocence deep into the dark as it is late
my innocence taken by the one and only
multiple swallowed capsules
as i say one last time, "if i wasn't so lonely"
then everyone wouldn't say, 'why?"
and i didnt have to write, "goodbye."
Aug 25, 2013
Aug 25, 2013 at 9:15 PM UTC
they say
relapse
is a part
of
recovery
but
is it really?
what if
its your body
saying
you
can't
do it.
you
can
do
nothing
but
sit
and watch
as you
hal
lu
cin
ate
places
that seem
so
de
so
late.
when really
you are
clearly
there are
people around
you
but all think
what you need
is a good
shrink.
they say
relapse
is just a part
of
recovery.
or maybe
its really
a reminder
that says
you're
a
nobody.
this
reality
gives
me
insanity.
this
society
gives
me
anxiety.
Aug 25, 2013
Aug 25, 2013 at 4:47 PM UTC
let it go; its too far gone.
what's it like?
to scream til you strain your throat.
to cry till it hurts so bad you cant even sob.
to cut so much you run out of room.
to bleed so often that you are set into a trance by the red liquid.
to full the aches by downing pill after pill and not knowing which one will end up numbing you so much youre on the brink of death.
to starve and starve and starve and starve, but be disrupted by the conflicted counterpart disorder.
to be hated and not accepted until medicine is introduced to change who you are; to someone that is only liked when medicated.
to wear your memories engraved into your skin.
to watch as one in particular tries to save you, and throw on a smile for their peace of mind.
but know that smile can be a frown in a second, when turned upside down.
Aug 24, 2013
Aug 24, 2013 at 3:18 PM UTC