metallic ticks
on my wrist
making cadence
that synchronizes
to my beating heart.
The watch band
is binding, and
not just there
to keep it secure
but to cover secrets.
my punishment
for consistent failure
is writing lines
chalk isn't what
traces my skin,
but metal razor
bringing blood
out from within.
the "chalkboard"
is my body,
in its entirety.
silver sliver traces
lines and names
over tan soft,
etches scars and
little white li(n)es.
Jun 8, 2017
Jun 8, 2017 at 4:04 PM UTC
people say
I should be
grateful,
because I don't
have to move
all the time.
but to float
place to place,
too quick
to take root,
is better than
the strength
required to
rip out years
and years of
deep roots of
love and
dependency
that have
reached through
cold earth
to draw from
the waters of
love and
companionship
they attempted to
transplant me,
but my roots
are withered and
I can't find it
inside me to bloom.
Jun 5, 2017
Jun 5, 2017 at 3:32 PM UTC
five.
of the worst
days of my life
five days
out of 17
(almost) years
five days ago
my best friend
and the girl I loved
took her life
five days
without her
in my dismal life
five days
since she broke
the promise we made
we told each other
we would stick it out
we would never leave each other
five days
of tears
and fears
and trying to get
through my life
five days of
missing her
and needing her
and not having her
and failing to find
a way to bring her back
five days of
thinking of how
I could have done something
how I could have
somehow stopped
the end of my lover's life
five days.
May 30, 2017
May 30, 2017 at 3:36 PM UTC
in my struggles
for acceptance,
I seek someone
to love me for
who I am. Is it
parents?
Friends? or
am I destined
to a life born
of struggle and
pain? Is it that
or
will I someday
get a real
community all
for me and for
other people
like me?
Are they
people that
even exist? I
know it won’t
be my parents.
They don’t give
love, they’re
more like
jailors.
They confine
me to my body,
to my brain and
to my pains.
May 16, 2017
May 16, 2017 at 1:25 PM UTC
they say that
you can fall in
love or lust.
I can love but
I can’t
fall into lust.
I don’t want to
and I don’t feel
such things. I
do feel love, and
I will never
forget
the first time
I fell in love.
It wasn’t a
him like I was
told it should
be. It was
her
and it was
something
beautiful, just
like she was.
Her face remains
in my memory,
and I’ll never
forget what her
touch
felt like, even
though I’ll never
feel it again.
May 16, 2017
May 16, 2017 at 1:20 PM UTC
in a world
split into
groups of
two, what
and how and
where
do I belong?
In the gender
binary, I feel
placeless. Not
quite sure if I
will
ever belong
anywhere.
People say that
I am stuck
a woman, that
I
will never be
a real man.
That when
I finally meet
my “well-deserved”
end
I will go to
the bad side
of the binary
of the afterlife.
They say I’ll end
up
in Hell, just
for being me.
May 16, 2017
May 16, 2017 at 1:16 PM UTC
If there’s one
thing that I
crave more
than to be
happy, it’s
death
I don’t want
to end things
by my own
hand, but it
would
not be terrible
for it to happen,
whatever the
method may
be
I feel like an
easy and
quick death
would be
preferable to
pain and
endless hurt
and struggles.
All I have now
with this “gift” of
living
is endless and
painful torment
that usually
only belongs in
hell.
May 2, 2017
May 2, 2017 at 1:10 PM UTC
One of my
absolute least
favorite topics
of conversation
is that of the
future.
Mine has
already been
tarnished with
my failures,
already been
stained
by my terrible
shortcomings:
my lack of
focus, and my
problems
with
anxiety and
depression have
not helped
anything but
my level of
incompetence
May 1, 2017
May 1, 2017 at 1:06 PM UTC
Anxiety has done
a lot of damage to
my
psyche, and I
try to hold your
hands
and your heart
in mine, but mine
shake.
I can’t stop doubting,
whether I am enough, if
my
offerings of love will
be enough. I want your
faith
to be safe in my hands,
but there’s a lot of fear
in
my heart that I will
never truly be enough for
you
but you insist that I’m
amazing and that you
won’t
ever leave me alone
in my troubles, and
I want to believe you.
May 1, 2017
May 1, 2017 at 1:01 PM UTC
Of all the things
I thought that
I knew about
you, the one
I don’t
understand still
is why you chose
to take an exit
from the world
that doesn’t
know
your presence
anymore. For
a time, I was able
to have
you,
to love you and
to kiss you. But
since you left,
I don’t get to
have you around
anymore,
and I don’t know
for sure if I ever
really understood
your pain even
though I thought
that I could have.
May 1, 2017
May 1, 2017 at 1:00 PM UTC