when i wake
i battle with thoughts that
cloud my eyes
dewy from tears
i am utterly and totally
drenched in sadness
when i rise
i do what i can to
make a cup of coffee
let the dogs out
brush my teeth
and go to work
(clockwork)
life cycles through waves
of feeling this way and that
never quite being able to grasp
on to a specific emotion
to describe how i am feeling
like how i can wake this way
and lay my head down to sleep
feeling something close to hopeful
ready to rise again
and the thoughts no longer exist in the morning
i find myself very odd
but people don't get to hear
this side of me
mostly because they don't ask
but i don't mind
(clockwork)
i have seen terrible days
i have seen days filled with miracles
i have seen days that are bleaker than bland
but i would prefer to have the days of
feeling something than nothing at all
so i push forward
take my medication
go to my therapist
and go to church
sometimes i wonder if God knows
the inner workings of my thoughts
as well as the Devil
a baptism could never submerge
my thoughts
yet i sing on praising Him
what i do know
is whether i am up
or i am down
i am here
(clockwork)
Nov 9, 2024
Nov 9, 2024 at 5:26 PM UTC
these passing moments with you
could declare a lifetime
of temporary happiness
if only you knew
how important you are to me
innocent games we play
rewriting the rules
changing the motives
never knowing exactly
where the fun ends
i'd like to believe
you would never cheat
there is a fine line between
knowing how to play
and actually playing
which i would assume
is kept exclusive
between us
when desire takes precedence
over consideration towards one another
outweighing the good and the bad of you
becomes unbalanced
as i am always biased
in regards to matters of the heart
even if you never love me
the way i love you
memories we made
will stay creased
on the sheets where i lay
waiting for you to come back
Nov 9, 2024
Nov 9, 2024 at 12:25 PM UTC
strangers in passing
nothing but a glance
tying us together
bound by the thought
of recollection
as if we had seen each other
somewhere before
i thought about
your eyes
the way they smoothed over
the jagged edges of my glare
soft undertones
amidst a dark sky
if only we were able to pause
instead of isolating ourselves
from getting too involved
not even sparing a word
towards one another
so we continue on
never knowing our fate
had our paths crossed differently
another night wasting away
street lamps only lit
to guide us home
Nov 9, 2024
Nov 9, 2024 at 10:22 AM UTC
perhaps the most appealing part of you
is that we could never be together
never in the same room
under the pretenses between these sheets
laugh lines forming a parenthesis
becoming an unfinished sentence
embedded in your thread count
you always liked me better
when you couldn't see my face
roleplay began taking the shape
of a placeholder instead
missing what we couldn't have
taking what we could get
greedy and all-consuming lust
i wonder who else might feel the same way
when affection grows into resentment
repulsive to the tongue
forbidden love becomes bitter
when it is left to breathe over time
Nov 9, 2024
Nov 9, 2024 at 10:18 AM UTC
this restless beast
i need to tame
gnawing at my stomach
setting fires to my cerebral
chewing at my throat
begging for attention
this restless beast
always rejects obedience
howling for affection
like a ******* mongrel
if it's voice becomes a whimper
can it be feminine again
i want my makeup to wash off
as more than war paint
i want to feel beautiful
without seeking validation
i want to shake
this restless beast
ruining my relationships
entertaining wicked thoughts
wrecking my sleep schedule
stepping on my neck
i never asked to own
this worn out excuse for a companion
but if it doesn't get lost soon
i'll ******* **** it
Aug 18, 2020
Aug 18, 2020 at 8:30 PM UTC
i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm a writer
no one's muse
admiring from afar
hugging walls like close friends
more familiar with the architecture
of disappointing myself
than laughing with others
i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm a work in progress
withheld on a canvas
half-finished strokes
vibrant in places that matter
dull smudges in spaces
unsure where to go next
traffic jams in my cerebral
creator and destroyer
i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm an artist
expressing myself in ways
that others can't quite comprehend
but speak volumes of my soul
through more than
[words]
phrases things pronouns
breathing is painful
without creating
[controlling]
emotion
becoming vulnerable
in a comfort zone
people don't understand
[me]
stepping outside of my art
is painful and draining
i wouldn't say i'm the jealous type
i would say i'm ******* tired
Aug 8, 2020
Aug 8, 2020 at 3:04 AM UTC
there is a disconnect
in the ways we choose
to embrace one another
simple acts turn to favors
debts become ultimatums
promises loosen their tie
full undressed lies
love is nothing more
than pity on the emptiness
our souls post for rent
always looking
constantly searching
never finding quite
what we're looking for
never knowing what
to look for to begin with
simply put
we have a longing for more
than what society
has wired us to do
and a small belief
that unconditional love
isn't an oxymoron
Aug 6, 2020
Aug 6, 2020 at 5:11 PM UTC
discomfort in fulfilling our hopes
hesitance in facing our fears
where do we draw the line
between living and being alive
if our actions speak louder than our words
how do we measure sound
in the face of death
why do we let her down
in knowing that we never settled
bets with our hearts
gambling our existence away
basing our worth in cards
dealt by someone else
concrete in our stubborn ways
when do we realize
changing habits has no price
yet the highest cost
but we still refuse to pay
for debts we acquire
and complain about the weather
until our bodies collapse
Jul 29, 2020
Jul 29, 2020 at 1:24 PM UTC
moths fly into fire
without knowledge of death
only guided by instinct
they must have light
no matter the cost
people betray trust
without being given a reason
only guided by instinct
they must keep making bad choices
no matter the cost
spiders weave webs
without thought of placement
only guided by instinct
they must create a home
no matter the cost
lovers lie to each other
without thinking twice
only guided by instinct
they must keep stability
no matter the cost
hornets sting people
without a purpose
only guided by instinct
they must hurt
no matter the cost
parents abuse children
without understanding repercussions
only guided by instinct
they must control something
no matter the cost
snakes eat rodents
without fearful consciences
only guided by instinct
they must eat
no matter the cost
alcoholics drink recklessly
without responsibility for themselves
only guided by instinct
they must be drunk
no matter the cost
the differences between
animals and people
aren't as abstract
as we would like to believe
they are
Jul 27, 2020
Jul 27, 2020 at 8:46 PM UTC
if our lives could reshape
i would choose to fight than crawl
heroes don't need a cape
however some days i feel small
wearing armor as a shawl
thinking he will never know
anticipating to fall
where rivers never flow
you can't make a bandage with tape
heavy emotions might stall
comparing a scar to a scrape
burdens will be there to haul
pack lightly if you bring back all
what you can't manage you'll owe
seeking more comfort and less mal
where rivers never flow
endlessly longing to escape
my writing becomes a scrawl
yearning for a new landscape
ignoring your late night call
feeling like a strung out puppet doll
our love could never grow
through a UV lit concrete hall
where rivers never flow
wicked storms begin to sprawl
shady groves and forest below
searching for a waterfall
where rivers never flow
Jul 25, 2020
Jul 25, 2020 at 4:51 PM UTC