fool me once.
that's all it takes.
for me to leave you,
not trust you.
keep as far away from you.
save the apologies,
spare me the excuses.
i don't care for your reasons
nor for your justifications.
once is all it takes
for me to believe that
you can do it again.
don't give me your promises,
i don't want your sweet talk,
don't whisper about the future,
and please don't sing about love.
cause i saw what you gave to her
and i know it's the same as mine.
so don't think i'm dumb,
and don't assume i'm naive.
cause once is enough for me.
to prove to you that
i'm no fool.
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 1:11 PM UTC
she's slowly starting to forget things
but she preps her mind in stride
she constantly worries about this
i can tell when she tries to hide
and i know that it's absolutely frightening for her.
to lose her mind. to lose herself. to let worry win her over.
she focuses more out of fear and concentrates fiercely.
she practices her sounds and her faces. she memorizes scriptures and places.
"remember when we did this" - "it feels so long ago that we did that"
and i don't have the heart to tell her that i wasn't there.
and my soul hurts for this dear woman of mine...who is slowly losing her mind.
as she tries to grasp the sanity that was never meant to stay long.
my mama is getting older. so i'll continue to use that excuse and comment lightly
that it is only stress that's getting to her. that she needs a holiday.
she'll take those reasons for now...but i know she still hides.
Mar 6, 2014
Mar 6, 2014 at 8:04 PM UTC
can i be close to you?
can i be the last thought on your mind?
can i be the last deep sigh you made
when you finally shut your eyes?
can i be the memory from a familiar smell?
or the perfect song from the radio
that you can't seem to get out your head
because it sings along as you go
can i be the warmth under your covers?
or the tingling chill down your spine
when you see something beautiful
or when i whisper that you're only mine
can i be that hidden smile you make
when you think no one is around?
can i be the destination you take
when you're driving through town?
because i want to be everything to you.
even the simplest and daily things you do.
because then i'll know that you're thinking of me,
just as much as i'm thinking of you.
Mar 5, 2014
Mar 5, 2014 at 1:30 PM UTC
i tend to fight these small battles every once in a while. small details of daily routine that trigger a foul part of me that doesn’t seem to stop until it grows tired of hurting inside. i never seem to get a grasp of how long it lingers in me until i finally feel the sun on my face again.
the point is, i get sick. i try to pretend as best as i can to jump and smile to show the happiness i enjoy in everyday…but at the end of the day…all i want to do is curl into myself and try to swallow the bitterness that eats me up inside.
my mother termed it “the funk” and it tends to come sporadically. it became obvious to her that it will always be my inner struggle to conquer. she lovingly and patiently lets it play on in the daily routine while standing on guard from the sidelines. she’s been through this before and will get through it right there with me. she’s a soldier and i pointedly take after her. i am her daughter.
i’ve discovered through experience what triggers it most of the time. it’s him. the lingering thought of him. once again coming into focus from a blurry image from my lens of perspective and i spot the difference. i sense the change. i see what’s missing all over again. and feel that familiar pain. soon the rain starts to trickle down from the angry cloud forming quickly above my head. and i’m gone.
snippets of images recorded in my head are then returned to me. words and phrases repeated from another that doesn’t match the baritone or time it was once said. that he once said. to the lady in charge, or to the siblings…or even to me. and i become confused. then hurt. then lonely. then angry.
never ending process that has become all too familiar for the girl who has enough estranged thoughts swimming around in her already chaotic, messy mind. once the thoughts are set in, the pain settles a little longer in the mess of my heart and the images become all too painfully clear to see.
he becomes everything. he’s sitting at the dinner table. he’s watching the basketball game in the room. he’s fixing the washing machine. he’s driving in from working a 14 hour shift. and i can see it all and even hear it sometimes. i hear him humming the songs from the oldies station. i listen for the quiet chuckle after mum attempts a joke at the kitchen counter.
you are correct when you say i seem to be a little off. to imagine someone who has not been in my physical presence for years and yet can appear at random times of my day to painfully remind me…that he has not been there. it hurts too much to even breathe.
you are also correct when you say that i have not found that closure yet. but searching for an answer, all the while re-affirming the steps to the plan of salvation…does not fill in the rest of the time of my day when a memory intertwines with this very moment. and whatever i say to myself, the mantra i give myself daily, cannot justify the emptiness echoing within the confinements of my funked-up imagination.
however, i am trying. i am improving. instead of the flashback brushing against me in spite. i allow it to remain. i allow it to connect. to coincide. to remind me of all the many great things that can become of this past reflection of him. i invite it rather than despise it. i turn forward and welcome whatever else my mind can remember of him. i learned to cherish it. i learned to cherish him. his past with my now.
songs, smells, places, time of the day…i watch for them most carefully and take a moment to myself to learn from it. raise my face to the sun and finally feel the familiar warmth again.
i know there will be more bad days. more painful reminders. more hiding under the covers and suffer in silence. but i know for myself that there’s always room for improvement and a chance to take that single opportunity within stride. it’s still here. he’s still here.
and i’m finally okay with that.
Mar 3, 2014
Mar 3, 2014 at 8:40 PM UTC
i wear a band on the finger that show the most significance.
i wear them to protect myself - for security purposes...
and i now i long for it to ring true for me.
because i am used to the feeling of them on my finger.
rings indented to show the false pride...
that i am still indeed lacking the commitment.
it is no longer a simple slip off the finger
if a handsome fellow passes by and takes a glance
because there are marks to prove that i am somewhat "loose"
tied to no one and yet longing to be with the one
who could be the bearer of such a simple gift
to wear with meaning on my finger...
rotating the false band to the other digits of my hand
and someday soon gaining the strength to either
take it off completely...or make it official.
such a silly girl am i.
Oct 24, 2012
Oct 24, 2012 at 12:00 AM UTC
he's heading for the dead end because i'm holding onto the map.
i'm the gps sending him to his doom down heartbreak avenue.
one way street with only one way out...heartbroken.
the feelings of jumping ship from the love boat has taken over my mind.
my heart has not caught on so quickly but will always follow regardless.
trudging along and griping about the hardships of climbing out of the hole once again.
nothing new here to see. nothing different from the last time.
i'll take the chance to flee. so i'll fly...and once i've fled...
i will look back at the damage done like a crash that could have been inevitably avoided.
i'm sorry.
Sep 8, 2012
Sep 8, 2012 at 2:38 AM UTC
i'm sorry i haven't written in so long...
putting it all down in pen makes it that more true...
for me to tell you that i'm starting to go through the without...
from inside me gasping for that breath of fresh and new...
i don't need you anymore. i don't want you anymore.
but it's already too late for you isn't it??
signed in ink across your infatuated heart.
...you're ****** committed.
and i'm ****** ******* when will i ever learn and grow.
from this ever-lasting embarrassment of attaching yet another...
to experience another agonizing and analyzing phase of being together.
it would have been better if you broke my heart.
then i wouldn't have to feel so guilty and betrayed...
by my own misconception of what is really change of heart.
without your empty promises and quirky remarks...
i might enjoy the train wreck we seem to be becoming.
take it from me, you don't want to be part of this.
because the change coming from within...
will be the better judgement of us both...
and i'm already suggesting that i'm going without.
Sep 7, 2012
Sep 7, 2012 at 2:34 AM UTC
hey sir hey
i have a once in a lifetime opportunity just for you in mind
how would like you a buy one, get one free deal sir??
i have a feeling you're the right man for this offer
i know you will not refuse after hearing what i have to say.
please sir please
take a look at this beauty, bet you haven't seen one like this
yeah, it's a little rough around the edges
and yeah it has a chip or two on the corners
but the quality is real and has great character
here sir here
put it in your hand sir, see how it fits perfectly in your palm
it's as if it were made just for you
even though it has been through a lot
there's a lot of potential left in it for just the right owner
careful sir careful
it's a very delicate piece, only cared for by the most loyal
take it apart and you'll find something small and insecure
build it up and you'll make something strong and beautiful
but it will be a challenge to maintain
hey sir hey
i did not mean to scare you away, forgive me
the fine print is what i included as an extra bonus
it's better you found out now than later if you became too attached
try not to worry so much sir
please sir please
i would not offer you such a great deal if i wasn't sure
i'm not that kind of girl to give something so precious freely
if i may be so bold to say, there's something about you
makes me believe you're suitable for this offer
here sir here
take it with you everywhere you go sir, it's yours now
there's no fee for this one because there's just one catch sir
once you take it you can never return it
it's yours to keep forever. to nurture forever.
careful sir careful
my heart is only given to the most loyal
take it apart and you'll find me small and insecure
but build it up and you'll make me strong and beautiful
but it will be a challenge to maintain
hey sir, hey
Oct 17, 2010
Oct 17, 2010 at 11:24 PM UTC
my definition of epic would be this:
you + me = epic.
that's all there to it.
you with the addition of me
is the recipe of everything epic.
in combination of my episodes
and your sic flow of rhymes
i think we would have a grand ol' time
my face is compatible with yours
especially when pressed close together
i'd be shameless to persuade you
into thinking we could both die
if we don't hold hands everyday
all it would take is leaving subtle hints
like scream the song lovefool til i turn blue
look man, all i want to say is
it would be great...more than great
possibly the greatest thing we ever did
in the small spec of our existences...
might as well make it epic.
Oct 3, 2010
Oct 3, 2010 at 6:52 PM UTC