I have been locked away in my room for so long I’m afraid my bookshelf has started conversing with me.
Every time I step foot in my backyard, the grass always seems greener, and the sky, why, she gets prettier everyday.
My eyes burn from staring at the sun, I need to look up, never down, and I must make do until the moon arises again.
If I had known the last time I kissed him, held him would be the last for weeks, even months, I would’ve never let go. Everyday that passes, to an end I know not of, feels like forevermore.
They say patience is a virtue, but I’m broken. I’m alone with my shadow and thoughts that seem to bring me down. I grow timid, lifeless and departed from reality. I feel as though I’m floating, I do not actually exist, not in the minds of others not physically not ever.
I sometimes wonder what the point of waking up is, I could just lay in bed, deteriorating slowly, and when this is all over, I will build myself back up again.
At least I hope I will.
I’m always nervously staring at the clock, the calendar, I say time is an illusion but I can feel myself grow older and weaker as the clock numbers go upwards.
I sleep, constantly, an escape for just a few hours.
And if I’m lucky, I can find myself dreaming of him.
This will do. This will do until I can see him again, and feel his bare chest against mine.
If patience is a virtue, I no longer wish to be virtuous,
I just wish to be with him, outside, inside wherever it may be.
Apr 9, 2020
Apr 9, 2020 at 1:27 AM UTC
I’ve never liked the smell of cigarettes, that was, before I smelled them on you
Jan 6, 2020
Jan 6, 2020 at 11:56 PM UTC
do I exist?
I’m afraid that sometimes I do
that all of this may somehow be real
and all my failures
all my embarrassments are true.
do I exist?
do I want to?
I can’t imagine wanting to,
wanting to live this life
knowing who I am
how incapable I am of being loved
but how capable I am of disappointing
actually exists
the universe is beautiful,
but it would be made less tragic if I didn’t actually exist
so, I do not exist
I’m just floating,
hoping that when I die
I leave not a trace that I was actually here
Oct 23, 2019
Oct 23, 2019 at 12:35 AM UTC
the best parts of my life have occurred simply because I have left the worst people in it behind
May 13, 2019
May 13, 2019 at 1:29 AM UTC
I do not know what exactly I desire in this complicated world, only that there are moments in which I wish I didn't exist.
Death is too complicated, I would rather just
disappear.
into a slumber that lasts for the rest of my life.
life is too difficult, nor is it any fun, I'm not even sure it ever was.
Love is the only thing worth living for, and even that hurts.
May 6, 2019
May 6, 2019 at 3:05 PM UTC
in the midst of writing my feelings I feel my soul separate from me and bleed onto the pages,
a sort of astral projection with words.
poetry is an escape
it is my therapist
my one way ticket to freedom
Jan 7, 2019
Jan 7, 2019 at 11:56 PM UTC
the moon lights up the night sky so bright that I am sure the sun is envious
all I wish to do is run barefoot in a forest
yelling nothing to no one
one day I will be able to hug the moon in its entirety, until my heart becomes so full i'm afraid it will jump out of my chest
but until then
I will crane my neck to stare up at her
and in her brightness she will stare back
until my eyes burn to the point that I enjoy it
and at this moment
we are one
Dec 22, 2018
Dec 22, 2018 at 11:35 PM UTC