Depression is hard to understand. The dictionary naively refers to it as, "feelings of severe despondency and dejection." But what does the dictionary know about depression? I think depression is more complicated than that. But I don't quite know what that consists of. I've been trying to figure it out for months now, and I just can't seem to understand. I don't know what depression is, but I can tell you what it's not.
Depression is not polite. Depression doesn't knock before he barges in. He just lets himself in, unannounced and unexpected, and leaves me gasping for what little air is left in the room.
Depression isn't clean. He doesn't tidy up after he makes a mess. He comes into my life like a hurricane, and leaves me to pick up the crumbled pieces of my rubbled life.
Depression isn't moral. He steals my happiness and kills my spirit. He doesn't abide by any common rules or laws, he makes his own rules and I have to play by them.
Depression isn't popular. The only "friends" he has are his victims. He drags me away from everyone who used to love me, and leaves me isolated in a cold, dark place.
Depression isn't respectful. He claws his way into the lives of so many genuine people and drives them to the brink of insanity. He has no regard for my thoughts or my feelings, stomping all over me until there's nothing decent left to salvage.
Depression isn't creative. He tells you everything as it is and makes you see all of the terrible things poisoning the world. He doesn't sugarcoat the truth, no matter how much it hurts, and he helped me clearly see even my smallest of flaws.
Depression isn't nice. He calls me ugly and tells me I'm worthless. The words he whispers ring in my ears: **** yourself, **** yourself, **** yourself."
It's hard to define depression. It doesn't fit into a small box. I've practically driven myself crazy trying to figure out what it is and why this is happening to me. I don't understand depression, and no matter how hard I try to define it, I always fall short. I don't know if depression can ever be defined. While I try aimlessly to define the undefinable, depression ruthlessly takes advantage of me. I can try as much as I'd like, but I don't define depression, depression defines me.
Mar 2, 2016
Mar 2, 2016 at 7:05 PM UTC
I was once a little girl
I smiled and I was free
Until I had trouble keeping up
With what my parents asked of me
Now, they tell me to be normal
They thinks it's as easy
As acting like that happy girl
I always used to be
But mommy, we both know I've changed
Look me in the eyes
And daddy, I'm not happy anymore
Can't you see that when I cry?
Mommy, I'm so sorry, mommy
Can't you hear my screams
Daddy, I'm still here, daddy
I'm having more bad dreams
Mommy, daddy, please don't ignore me
Please help me find my breath
I fear relief from my constant terrors
Will only come through death
Mommy, daddy
Help me
Please
Death is consuming all the life in me
Jan 12, 2016
Jan 12, 2016 at 11:26 AM UTC
It was 3 in the morning and I was clinging to the only reason I had to stay like my life depended on it. Because it is the only thing my life depends on. She is the one thing keeping me alive. But I've started to think that maybe she doesn't even want me anymore. She's my best friend, but she has better friends than me. She loves so many people more than she loves me. A hug, a text, a smile, or any signal that she still wanted me in her life would have been the only thing I needed to stay. But it never came. Everything became so clear. I'm not good enough and I don't deserve her friendship. It all makes sense now. I mean, I wouldn't want me in my life, so why should she? Now, I don't even know what's keeping me here anymore. It's time for me to go.
Dec 30, 2015
Dec 30, 2015 at 1:58 PM UTC
Life is a war and today was a battle. I suited up for the day with armor around my heart and a brave face to hide what a mess I am inside. I keep marching, keep staggering on no matter how much it hurts, and I choke back the tears forming on the brim of my eyes.
Soldiers don't cry. Soldiers carry on even when they're wounded. Soldiers have to be strong. Soldiers have to fight. But, what if I don't want to fight anymore?
Now, I'm laying in bed after another long battle. I made it through this one. I may be exhausted, but I'm still here and I guess that is all that counts. But, the fact that I will have to lace up my boots and do this all again tomorrow makes me sick. Everything in me wants to waive my white flag and surrender. I'm so tired of fighting for my life. It's pointless, fighting for something I don't even want anymore.
For, today, I may have won the battle, but make no mistake, I am losing this war.
Nov 22, 2015
Nov 22, 2015 at 6:57 PM UTC
Last night, I went for a drive. The last text I sent was a lie I told my mother, that I was going to get ice cream with some friends. Then, I powered down my phone and started up my car.
My head was buzzing and my heart was aching. I needed it to stop. So, I hopped on a seemingly unending road, turned my music up to drown out my thoughts, and I just drove.
The city of Omaha slowly vanished behind me as the shadows of country roads set in. There were hardly any cars accompanying me on my thoughtless journey, and for once, I actually felt okay with the loneliness.
I was completely alone and the sky was completely dark.
It was then I realized how much beauty the night beholds. It is neither frightening nor overwhelming. It is as comfortable as home and as welcoming as an embrace.
That night, the darkness saved me. It was there, enveloped in the night, that I forgot about my issues. I didn't think about my inadequacy or my desolation.
My problems were nowhere to be seen and my feelings could not keep up with the pace of my car. I was so at peace that I could have driven forever. The darkness provided an escape from life and all the hardships that come with it.
Truth be told, I didn't want to go back. I wanted to disappear under the blanket of the night. I never wanted to be seen again.
The night and I, we belong together. The night is my newfound friend and I never want to leave its side. There was only one slight problem: morning would come eventually.
The sunrise was inevitable and darkness, my companion, would surely vanish. The rays of the sun would illuminate my vacancy. People would notice I was gone.
So, grudgingly, I turned my car around and headed back into the city. I prepared to once again face humanity and my problems became as evident as the increasing light. And, I made a promise to the darkness.
I vowed I would never forget the hospitality of the night. I swore I would return to the darkness, for it has been so good to me. Someday, the darkness will completely overtake me, and it will be as if I am welcoming an old friend home.
Nov 14, 2015
Nov 14, 2015 at 12:42 PM UTC
The lights are dimmed.
The movie is about to start.
But all you can think about is the boy sitting next to you.
It's your first date,
Hopefully the first of many.
You're nervous,
But composed.
As the movie starts,
You try to distract yourself from the guy sitting just inches away from you.
You look in his direction.
The movie flashes short glimpses of light on his face.
You see the small glint in his pure blue eyes.
You could melt in those eyes forever.
Then he turns,
Looks you in the eyes,
And gives you a smirk that sends butterflies through your body.
You feel electric.
He continues to tantalize you.
Eventually, you can't hear the movie anymore.
All you can hear is your rapid heartbeat in your ears.
You're so nervous you could pass out.
And then he grabs your hand,
And gives it a comforting squeeze.
He entwines his fingers with yours,
Making you feel special.
All you can focus on is him.
You examine his profile,
While your hands stay connected.
And you want to stay in this moment forever.
After awhile,
He turns to face you.
You look into his eyes for what seems like eternity.
He grins that grin,
Making all your problems disappear.
And he glances longingly at your shinning lips.
You know what he wants.
All you can do is smile back,
Before he leans in.
Your lips connect,
And fireworks explode in your heart.
Suddenly, you forget about all the bad in the world.
All that matters is you two,
In this moment,
Together.
Then, the kiss is broken.
Both of you gasping for air.
He smirks at you another time.
And you loose control.
This time it's you who leans in.
And you are connected once again.
There may have been a lot of other people in that theater,
But in this moment,
It's just you and him,
No one else.
You may never know how the movie ended,
Or who saved the day.
But you will know that you and him
Lived happily ever after.
Maybe fairy tales do come true.
Jun 29, 2013
Jun 29, 2013 at 2:06 AM UTC
Black or white,
We are all human.
Straight or gay,
We are all human.
Tall or short,
We are all human.
Small or large,
We are all human.
Republican or Democrat,
We are all human.
Smart or average,
We are all human.
Athletic or brittle,
We are all human.
Secure or insecure,
We are all human.
Outcast or accepted,
We are all human.
Society is defined by stereotypes.
We are so quick to judge.
But it shouldn't matter what we look like,
Or what our opinions are.
We are all apart of the same race:
The human race.
We may seem different,
But we really are very much alike.
We all have the same parts,
Just our own ways of expressing them.
We all struggle,
In one way or another.
Reach out your hand to a fellow human in need.
The pain is more bearable together.
We are individuals,
But we are one:
One race,
One species,
One community,
One population,
One identity.
We are one.
Jun 27, 2013
Jun 27, 2013 at 1:53 PM UTC
I don't know why I do this.
I don't know why I care.
I don't know why I waste my life
Wishing you were there.
You made me feel special.
You led me on.
And next thing I know,
**** You're gone.
You're on to the next girl,
The next lucky winner.
You used to be good,
But now you're just a sinner.
I loved you with all I had.
I gave you my all.
I'd run a thousand miles for you,
If you would only call.
I say I'm over you,
But I'd have to say that's a lie.
I'll never be over you.
All I do is cry.
I think about you,
All night and day.
I'm hoping we'll talk,
And you hear what I have to say.
Your soft, sweet eyes
Make me smile.
Your beautiful laugh
Makes life worth while.
When I look at you,
It sends shivers down my spine.
All I want in the world,
Is to still call you "mine."
But you've moved on.
I have to set you free.
It's not fair to you,
And it sure isn't fair to me.
I'll say it one last time,
And then I'll let you go.
I love you.
I hope you always know.
Jun 22, 2013
Jun 22, 2013 at 1:24 AM UTC
I'm an honest girl.
You're an honest boy.
Let's let love make
Honest fools of us.
However,
We are not liars.
We are not ****
We will not let love make
Dishonest monsters of us.
Jun 20, 2013
Jun 20, 2013 at 1:30 AM UTC
A mirror is a girl's worst enemy.
We know what pretty is,
But we don't see it in ourselves.
We know what ugly is,
And we see it everywhere in ourselves.
A mirror is just an object,
A piece of glass propped upon a door.
Why do we let that control our life?
You want to know why?
Because, frankly,
It displays the absolute truth.
It doesn't lie like so many people in this world.
It bends light,
But it doesn't bend the truth.
Girls become so obsessed in what that slab of glass displays:
A young girl,
Not yet 16.
A girl trying to find her strength behind the tears.
A girl trying to find her beauty behind her insecurities.
All because an inanimate object showed her something she didn't want to see.
But if you look deeper,
You will see that no "ugliness" is really worth it.
Ugliness should not be a factor in our life.
Whether you include someone or not shouldn't be based on beauty.
It should be based on character.
Once you come to terms with that,
You will be in control.
You can look past your "ugliness" in the mirror.
And when you look at that reflection,
You search deep into your soul.
You find yourself.
You learn to deal with what you got,
Even though you are not perfect.
Celebrate those imperfections
That the smudged mirror presented to you.
Because without them,
You just wouldn't be yourself.
They are what make you, you.
Jun 16, 2013
Jun 16, 2013 at 12:22 AM UTC