I can't tell the difference between it being a craving & me missing it. They feel like they're one in the same most of the time & to be honest, I'm not sure how to feel about that. When it's a part of you for so long, when it's become such a natural response/activity, how do you let go? How do you stop yourself from enjoying it? More importantly, what the **** is wrong with me to feel that way in the first place?
May 17, 2014
May 17, 2014 at 10:52 PM UTC
My mind races, I can't control it & I fear I'll **** up again because I can't organize my thoughts
I just want to ******* shut it off
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 12:14 AM UTC
I want to open my mouth & scream,
I can't take this hurt inside of me.
I want to cut open a vein & bleed free,
I can't take this pain inside of me.
Mar 24, 2014
Mar 24, 2014 at 11:29 AM UTC
So I said I'm looking for the answers, I'm looking for a sign,
But I should be looking elsewhere
'Cause the answers I can't seem to find.
I'm searching for some guidance,
I'm searching for a prayer;
Somebody who can help me,
Somebody to get me there.
God & myself, my only chance at hope;
God & myself, my only ways to cope.
I'm looking for an answer, I said I'm looking for a sign,
But the only real place I should be looking is inside.
Mar 14, 2014
Mar 14, 2014 at 1:57 PM UTC
My sweet love,
My dearest love, how I wish I could repair what has been broken inside of you..
How I wish I could have saved you from all the hurt of your past..
How I wish I could save you from the haunting demons that still stalk you.
I wish I could save you, my love, but contrary to what you may call me, I'm no wonder woman.
Mar 14, 2014
Mar 14, 2014 at 2:06 AM UTC
My fresh wound burns & stings with each flick of the wrist,
with each twist of the hand,
with each reminder of the razor's sharp kiss.
My mind is racing with guilt & shame & remorse;
I wish I could take it back;
I fear this has set me off course.
I don't want to think of it anymore, I don't want to write about it, I don't want to see it.
Bandage it up & let it stitch itself together - I'm done.
Mar 14, 2014
Mar 14, 2014 at 1:41 AM UTC
& so I accept that this world isn't as black & white as I may have hoped it would be.
Falling down when you've been preaching of light & recovery doesn't make you a fake; it makes you terribly REAL. It makes you HUMAN. & sometimes that's the problem -we're human & we're sensitive & we sometimes stumble & fall, but I'm determined to win this battle.
I am stronger than this pain.
Mar 14, 2014
Mar 14, 2014 at 12:45 AM UTC
Pain is not glamorous.
One thing I hate about poetry: people try to romanticize pain.. They try to write it up as something that it's not.
Pain isn't a bunch of nice words pieced together; pain isn't beauty.
Pain is pain -it's as simple & complicating as that.
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 5:11 PM UTC
It took one slice & I'm reeling in guilt & shame.
It doesn't hurt so good anymore; now it only hurts. Idk if that's bc this was deeper than the others or bc this one will leave a nasty scar, but regardless it hurts & I don't want the razor anymore.
Their kisses aren't smooth or romantic or poetic; there's no ******* beauty in tearing yourself apart.
PAIN IS NOT GLAMOROUS
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 4:47 PM UTC
I sit here & can't help but wish I had a "conventional" family.. Where my parents were both good people with good jobs with love in their hearts towards each other & their kids.. Where they both gave loving advice, where they both cared, where they both were "normal."
I'm sickened to admit this.. I'm ashamed to feel this. For the first time, these thoughts are rummaging through my mind & I can't help the overwhelming sadness that comes with them.
My mother has always supported us, always loved us, protected us, guided us. My dad? Nothing of the sort.
There's so much to this.. So much to write, so much to type, so much to think, & my brain hurts & my heart's heavy & right now, no matter how hard I try to get the words out, my feelings aren't flowing into words properly. It's times like these that bad things happen.
I get frustrated in not being able to convey what I'm feeling & my anxiety builds & that's when the razor hits the wrist & releases it all.
I want to sit in a corner & cry my heart out
Mar 11, 2014
Mar 11, 2014 at 10:14 PM UTC