if home is where the heart is
then my home is that run-down movie theater
where we met up again-
the first time in almost a year that I saw your serpentine grin
and heard your heavy laugh;
the first time in almost a year that I felt your more-than-affable embrace.
the first time I ever felt your fragile lips.
I remember how you looked at me,
searched my eyes for a hint of emotion.
I remember how my face turned red,
PDA has never been my kind of thing.
I don’t like to be the center of anyone’s attention
and public places make me sick.
You could say my head’s a little broken
but that’s just the norm for me.
if home is where the heart is
I must be paying emotional rent
because some days, when I’m hungry for misery
I drive past that run-down movie theater
and drown in my memories
Oct 9, 2014
Oct 9, 2014 at 10:17 AM UTC
Resting is not easy
when you spend your days in fear.
How could you sleep when you can’t forget your demons?
How can you remember what happiness feels like
when everything around you is grey and petrified-
faces solid as stone,
cold as ice.
Life is all about memories.
Remembering the good,
spending lifetimes trying to forget the horrible.
Growing older means the good memories
become a sort of bedtime story;
a happily ever after.
But how can we have bedtime stories when sleep is impossible?
How can we have happily ever afters
when the end is already grey and petrified?
Oct 9, 2014
Oct 9, 2014 at 10:08 AM UTC
You don't believe me when I say you're the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on,
And I don't believe you when you tell me I'm the most beautiful girl you'll ever love.
My hair is black and blue
Like a bruise
Or my heart.
And my ex's name tastes like the ether she's been sniffing to get my name out of the creases of her favorite sweater.
The cigarettes I smoke,
They smell like the toast I will inevitably burn in a couple of years while I'm making your breakfast before work.
And some days I look at photos of the ocean
Just to see if I can find the same blue that's in your eyes.
And I know it may not count for much, but when her and I used to joke that blue was the color of love, she always thought of her own eyes while my head was flooded with longing for yours.
I was coming down from a two week binge the day you found me again.
I spent a week thinking I was just imagining things. I spent the following week trying to tell myself that you'd never be mine again.
Two years ago, you left me in a puddle of fear and apathy
With the bitterness of every single "I love you" still in my mouth
And when I spit, it was like venom.
I always told myself that I'd never be in love again.
For two years and three days, I was right.
But here I am, two years and four months later, head-over-heels in love with the boy who made my heart sing with his voice and my soul drown in his ocean blue eyes.
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 7:12 PM UTC
The color of your eyes always amazed me
somehow sapphire
but somehow violet as well.
They harness the power of a thousand feelings-
the very feelings I've spent lifetimes trying to keep out.
Eyes as blue as the ocean-
as purple as the bruises on my knees.
Feelings as strong as the undertow-
as heavy as the boxes I've been moving.
I'll spend years looking for the perfect thing to call you.
but for now
"Indigo" will have to do.
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 11:48 AM UTC
your smile fills my heart
like the smoke from this cigarette fills my lungs
and exhaling the smoke is a lot easier
than trying to rid myself
of the safety and comfort of your crooked grin
your eyes, they can’t possibly lie to me
not like mine lie to my mother
when she asks if I’ve done all of my chores
but somehow I find it easier
to take the feeling of deceit
than handle the disappointment in your eyes
and your hands
they tremble when they hold mine
they shake with the fear of the unknown
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 11:43 AM UTC
People always say things like “why do the good die young” and “good things happen to terrible people”
but in my 17 years of living
I’ve learned that those are just sayings that are used to make people feel better about the terrors of life
they’re just excuses
they’re just reasons to avoid the truth
I’m not a religious woman
but I do believe in a higher power of sorts
you see, my god isn’t the kind of person who allows terrible things to happen and only accepts certain people
my god isn’t a god
(s)he isn’t an untouchable force
my god has feelings
my god has personal interests and my god has sympathy
my god feels for the poor and cares for the wicked
life is filled with a lot of horrible truths
like death
and deception
but life is also filled with a lot of beautiful truths
like new life
and new perspectives
life is a magical thing that everyone on this earth has been gifted with
but one must try to keep in mind
that life isn’t a right, it’s a privilege
and no matter what it throws at you
it’s a gift
Sep 4, 2014
Sep 4, 2014 at 9:05 PM UTC
and while it isn’t something that everyone wants
it’s something that everyone has
three years ago I learned how much I took life for granted when I tried to take my own life
three years ago I watched my mom cry in my hospital room when she realized she took my life for granted as well as her own
three years ago I heard my daddy screaming at the nurse when they told him what I’d done
You see, my dad has always been a cynical man
but not a day went by that he didn’t tell me that life is a beautiful thing
that can give out terrible situations
“expect the worst and hope for the best”, he’d always tell me
three years ago, I was expecting what I thought was the best as I swallowed a bottle of pills
three years later, I realize I was doing neither of those things
but rather I was saying ***** it” and quitting
I wasn’t expecting the worst because I was silly and thought my life was already the worst
and I wasn’t hoping for the best because I was naive and thought I’d never see “the best” again.
Sep 4, 2014
Sep 4, 2014 at 8:58 PM UTC
and how can you take for granted the things you are entitled to by birth
as a human being, how can you take something so necessary as air for granted
it’s easy when you live a life of “I have the right to be here, this is no privilege”
but sweetie, one day you will realize that your life is not a right but rather it is in fact a privilege
you will understand that the world is not here to be taken advantage of
but rather to be enjoyed for what it is
and when that crazy hippie lady from the house next door tells you that some days you just gotta stop and smell the flowers, listen to her
and if the grumpy old man tells you that you can’t live your life so starry eyed
don’t let it ruin your spirit
I am telling you that life is not something you necessarily deserve
but something that you want
it’s something that has been handed to you in a giant box labeled “handle with care”
Sep 4, 2014
Sep 4, 2014 at 8:57 PM UTC
let's tak about your hair and how it occasionally covers your eyes,
but only when they're bluer than the ******* sea
because you've released every tear you could possibly hold inside of you
and what about your eyes?
the very ones that allow the sadness to leak from the corners
and drown your entire being in those feelings of miserable satisfaction.
the very eyes that couldn't possibly lie to me,
even when your lips find it quite easy.
Jul 8, 2014
Jul 8, 2014 at 8:19 PM UTC
I stare at my wall
And beg for your forgiveness
Though you are not here.
I can hear your voice,
Calm and quiet,
Telling me that it'll all be okay.
That I need to calm down
And forgive myself.
I can feel your hands
Caressing my sides to sooth my saddened spirit
And I can feel your arms
Wrapped around me to keep me grounded-
To keep me from losing myself.
I can see you doing all you need to keep me safe.
I can hear you doing all you need to keep me calm.
I can feel you doing all you can to keep me alive.
Jun 14, 2014
Jun 14, 2014 at 9:03 PM UTC