3 a.m. has found me again.
I wake, startled, for the fourth time this week, the nightmare played out behind my eyes already fading from my mind. I can still feel its presence, like fog it lingers.
I have fist fulls of sheets as I lie on my back, my eyes closed. I focus all of my energy on catching my breath. I am an anchor in my dark sea of thoughts, unable to move.
Sinking, sinking... I am drowning.
Then my husband stirs next to me.
I look at him to my left, his back towards me, fixated by his messy brown hair. I feel my heartbeat slow, my mind calm. Suddenly he is all I can see.
After a moment of hesitation, I turn towards him and reach around and touch my cold hand against his stomach. In his sleepy state, he grabs my hand and moves closer to me.
I feel the fog begin to subside, overcome by the light that is sleeping next to me. I can breathe again.
Feb 10, 2017
Feb 10, 2017 at 2:34 PM UTC
And if I disappeared today,
one thing I know they'd never say,
is "she was always so happy."
Because truth be told,
I never really was.
Feb 6, 2017
Feb 6, 2017 at 12:23 PM UTC
My heart I give to you, my heart is yours.
It's bruised and it's scarred, sometimes it's ugly and it's torn. But it's stronger than it was yesterday or last week or a year ago. It's stronger and it beats for only you.
My heart is in your hands, my heart belongs to you.
My heart's never felt so safe, my heart has never been so happy. I'm so content; No feeling compares. My heart is happy and beats only for you.
My heart I give to you, all the pieces that it is.
You deserve the best and so for you, that's what I'll be. If youll let me, I'll keep your heart and guard it, let it beat in time with my own. I'll take good care of your heart I swear, like you've always done with mine.
Nov 21, 2016
Nov 21, 2016 at 12:00 AM UTC
The long drive to my best friend’s hometown is a drive I’ve made countless times. I know every twist and turn down those vast country roads, I’ve seen these side streets a hundred times.
The drive usually leaves me feeling excited, joyful, and anticipating seeing him.
Now I am left with heartache, fear, but I am still anticipating seeing him. I am dreading seeing him.
The only sound that surrounds us is our shoes hitting the cold stone as we walk towards the dreary building and the whisper of a sob across the parking lot.
Nothing will heal this, nothing will take away this dull ache that now resides within my heart. No amount of time will ever make it subside.
Sep 7, 2016
Sep 7, 2016 at 2:14 PM UTC
I'm falling through
there's nothing left to do.
I'm falling through,
I'm missing you,
I remember you,
And everything you do.
My shattered memories fade,
I lost myself somewhere between the lonely days.
I'm falling through,
Like I fell for you.
My love for you was all in vain,
I hear your name and I feel the pain.
You dig into my skin,
like mortal sin.
I slip away...
I slip away...
I'm falling through,
I'm missing you,
But where are you?
And in that moment,
with me listening to the sound of your breathing,
time slowed and it became my favorite moment of utter peace.
please read my note
Sep 7, 2016
Sep 7, 2016 at 2:11 PM UTC
*I am dawn itself
so dark and so hopeful, I'm
only beginning*
Aug 25, 2016
Aug 25, 2016 at 7:44 AM UTC
be bold
take a chance
even if it's
r e c k l e s s
be careful
play it safe
even if you're
r e s t l e s s
follow your heart
trust your instinct
it doesn't matter if you're
m i n d l e s s
listen to your mind
always think twice
it doesn't matter if you're
h e a r t l e s s
chase your dreams
always work hard
in the end it won't be
p o i n t l e s s
be who you are
no matter who that is
don't let yourself be
l i f e l e s s
Jul 19, 2016
Jul 19, 2016 at 8:52 PM UTC
The date that marks another month
came and went before I had a chance
to dwell on it.
You're already fading,
already disappearing
from my mind.
One day you will fade away completely,
only a memory
and no longer a heartache.
Well darling I wish you would stay,
please never stop haunting me
in this bittersweet way.
Because I'd rather have this heartache
than let you fade away and
become nothing but a shadowed memory.
Jun 23, 2016
Jun 23, 2016 at 8:51 AM UTC
the strings
that are my mind
are coming undone
without you
here.
fraying at the edges
slipping between
my fingers,
try as i might
to grip them.
there's no hope
for me,
my strings are
coming undone
just like
yours did.
May 16, 2016
May 16, 2016 at 12:53 PM UTC
My demons don't like
the food that I eat.
They taunt me, sending me
running to the bathroom in defeat.
You are not worthy, they say
as I bow at their request.
That food was no good.
now the toilet bowl is my only rest.
My heart breaks, slowly
and pained tears begin to fall.
I have nothing left to give, I say,
I've already given you my all.
I stand and try without success
to wipe my steady tears away.
Looking in the mirror at my swollen eyes
I remind myself tomorrow is a new day.
May 5, 2016
May 5, 2016 at 12:30 PM UTC