they took my name first
or maybe
i dropped it
trying to hold everything else
and suddenly
i was no one
with a history
i couldn’t touch anymore
like a house
i used to live in
but the locks changed
while i was still inside
i started over
worse than nothing
at least nothing
doesn’t remember
what it used to be
people talk about healing
like things go back
they don’t
i came apart
and stayed that way
you learn
how to mask
so it doesn’t hurt as much
you learn
how to hold yourself together:
duct tape
and quiet
and yeah
sometimes i think
maybe i should stay closed
keep it safe
keep it clean
no more damage
but then
what’s the point
if you don’t say it
if you don’t mean it
if you don’t risk it?
that’s what broke me
in the first place
not the truth
the lack of it
the calculated hands
shaping things
into something they weren’t
i lost everything
but i’d still rather
be the one who says it
and pays for it
than the one
who survives
by lying
Apr 16
Apr 16, 2026 at 5:22 AM UTC
i think
if it all burned out tomorrow
if i woke up empty
like a room after a party
cups tipped over
music gone
i’d still say it was worth it
because there was a moment
or maybe a hundred
where i forgot how to be careful
where i let myself
lean all the way in
like falling
and not checking if there was ground
you were there
not saving me
not stopping me
just… there
and i lost something
maybe my balance
maybe my sense
maybe the version of me
that always knew how to leave
but i gained that feeling
that sharp, stupid, beautiful thing
of wanting someone
without editing it down
even if this ends
quietly
like everything does
even if we just become
two people
who once knew how to say each other’s names
like they meant something
i’ll remember
not the ending
but the way it cracked me open
the way i stopped measuring
and just felt it
and if i fade
a little because of that
fine
i’d rather be
a little ruined
and real
than untouched
and wondering
what it would’ve been like
to lose my mind
for someone
like you
Apr 16
Apr 16, 2026 at 4:29 AM UTC
perhaps it’s a gift
to lose everything at times
and then start anew
Sep 27, 2022
Sep 27, 2022 at 7:15 PM UTC
I tried to protect
the last small piece of me
but now nothing is left
Sep 26, 2022
Sep 26, 2022 at 1:03 PM UTC
I know not to smoke
But if you could see my thoughts
You’d medicate too
Sep 20, 2022
Sep 20, 2022 at 7:44 PM UTC
Warm chocolate chips in
Soft, rich, salty-sweet cookies
Perfection exists
Sep 20, 2022
Sep 20, 2022 at 7:41 PM UTC
Blanket burrito
Anything seems possible
When the day is new
Sep 20, 2022
Sep 20, 2022 at 7:39 PM UTC
It's easy to select when you write a Fet profile
But a little more involved to explain
I live it 24/7 means that I can't escape
I live it 24/7 means it's a part of me
And I can't run from the things that hurt or give release
I don't do scenes
I don't have "play" partners
I don't seek out pain
I don't start unhealthy relationships
I don't even want to feel the ways I feel
But when you hurt me, I feel it
When you reject me, I feel it
When you accuse me, I feel it
When you mock me, I feel it
When you hate me, I feel it
I can hate your power over me
I can hate your abuse
I can hate your derision
I can hate myself
But I can't stop the delicious feeling of abject misery
Aug 15, 2022
Aug 15, 2022 at 10:32 AM UTC
I feel it again
the growing pain
of inadequacy
of being hollowed out
from the core
to be filled
with longing
I fought attachment
knowing the risk
But your beauty
Was too powerful
I loved you
despite myself
I bleed out
unseen
Aug 15, 2022
Aug 15, 2022 at 10:07 AM UTC
If suffering is happiness
and tears are love
I am devotion itself
break me
I’ll pen thank you notes in blood
Jul 30, 2022
Jul 30, 2022 at 4:27 PM UTC