I let you have me
Whenever you need me
And
You will never react to my
Resistance
Which I project in every form but words.
It is not that I don’t want to
(I want you always)
It is that I am letting myself down
Letting myself detach
With each second that
Our skin touches.
My body is your safe house
Even though i've ravaged it,
Vandalized it,
It unconditionally stands, with
Open doors.
I succumb to your clawing
Your fingers burn
Until they melt me
And singe away all feeling.
The heat is an artifice for real feeling.
I sometimes still think
That you’re the sun.
Mar 10, 2015
Mar 10, 2015 at 12:23 AM UTC
Tears well up in my throat
(acid worn)
I don’t want to move so I
Pretend
To stay asleep
The best I’ve ever had
Lies only inches from my heart
(irregularly beating)
His voice had a different tone
To it, this time
I swear it was a different frequency
This time it was sincere.
Defeated.
He kept laughing
Nervously
Almost apologetically
And I don’t remember ever
Seeing him so destroyed.
This time
There was no snow on the road
But I awoke to find my body
Frozen solid.
Jun 10, 2014
Jun 10, 2014 at 12:40 AM UTC
I think of you sometimes.
Not often, but I do,
All the same.
When I tune out the static and turn off my brain,
The pulsating "I-hate-you's" cease for a while,
And I'm forced to remember what used to be.
What used to be mine and
What used to be yours.
What used to make me happy for a split-second interval
Inside the membrane of melancholy.
That is what I think of when I can't fall asleep
On nights like tonight;
I see your bed. No; the backseat
Of your car,
4 o clock am in the middle of January,
Parked on dirt roads, we used to drive away from the
Lights of our city because no one could
Accept us back then. It was just you and I back then
And we used to poison each other even though we knew
We weren't supposed to touch.
(I should have listened to my friends)
I never knew what you needed me to say
So I said nothing.
You would always fall asleep.
I could never allow myself to dream of something better
Than you and the backseat of your car.
There's something about these places we've been
and the places we've lain that seem so distant
To me (maybe I want them to be).
My body aches when I remember the
Smell of your skin, but then I remember
That you never knew me.
I think I loved you (or at least the thought of you).
Thoughts of you.
"It was easy", you said,
But it was never easy for me.
Now it seems so easy to forget your face
And the way you used to make me laugh.
It seems easier now.
Until the storm ends and I'm left alone in my own mind.
Alone with you
I'll never survive.
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 2:06 AM UTC
Today is not the same
I will never feel the same way
As I did yesterday
I find it so strange and so confusing
The way a warm breeze can change
The world around me
From wanting so badly to bury myself
Under the heaps of waste that our population
Has produced,
Wanting to drown in the lakes we’ve poisoned
With our machines and fuel for our machines
Wanting to suffocate in the smog and let the
Filth that we’ve created destroy me entirely
To wanting to stay a little while longer
Closing my eyes to feel the sweet air
Brush against my chemical-infused skin
Seeing the pure, untapped joy in children
(who I pray will grow up unscathed by us)
Are some of the few hopeful delicacies I have.
I’m not sure when I became bitter
But I wonder if I was really even happy before this
Or just ignorant. I wonder too,
If the moments like this, that make me want to
Fall to my knees and sob and sob because I feel so
******* lucky and so alive
So lucky to be alive and so stupid
For wanting to give it all away,
Are simply average, normal moments
That only stick out because I’ve began to notice
Reality. Hell on earth that I know I will
Never be able to change.
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 1:41 AM UTC
I.
You told me you still had
Those roles of film,
Undeveloped.
The ones that you took of me
In the summer.
II.
I wonder
If you will ever see me again
As I used to be.
III.
I wish you had a darkroom
For my soul;
For all you've ever seen
Have been scratched
Negatives.
IV.
I miss looking at your features
Through viewfinders.
V.
You were the whole world
Inside a tiny glass frame.
May 30, 2014
May 30, 2014 at 12:32 AM UTC