I was talking to my friends these days
And they were worried about what gifts they should buy their dads
And it hit me
that I never worried about this, Dad,
I never had the chance to think about buying you a gift
and I tried to imagine what would I buy for you this Christmas
but thing is
I never go to know you, Dad,
I never got to know what you liked, what you wanted in this life
I never got to know you
outside the demons that you were carrying around
I never knew as a child how bad it was
for you to survive
and I loved you and I could not see you, Dad
and I never had the chance to think about
what gift would bring some joy in you heart
and now I'm furios, Dad,
I'm furious because now I am old enough
and if I had a chance, I could see you, I could hear you
And I'm furious because I am old enough
and I don't have to worry about buying you a gift
I'm furious because I am old enough
And I still don't know
what you want for Christmas.
Dec 19, 2025
Dec 19, 2025 at 12:19 PM UTC
I have never thought about getting here
27 years old and 10 pounds lighter than 8 weeks ago
It's all in numbers, you see
Like
How many cigarettes I have smoked today
How many drinks I've had
How many times I've lost you
It's all in numbers
And as I count the eyelashes shadowing my eyes
I still remember
That
It's been 1000 years
Since my heart has been
Broken down.
The way it has been
In these 24 hours
Since you decided to say goodbye
For the last time.
H
Mar 9, 2018
Mar 9, 2018 at 3:37 PM UTC
It's been some time now
And I still haven't figured out how to walk past you
Without feeling that every muscle in my body is dying
Including the one beating in my chest
So fast
That my skin starts hurting.
And I'm sitting here now
Trying to cover my eyes with the smoke of the millionth cigarette I've smoked
Since I last saw your eyes.
And my skin still hurts.
And somehow
The calm rain washing the ground where I've spilled my drunken soul
Still sounds like your voice.
Like music does.
And my soul smells like you.
And my skin still hurts.
Like your absence does.
It's been some time now
And I still haven't figured out
How to close my eyes
Without seeing you in my dreams.
And my skin still hurts.
Like your smile does.
May 14, 2017
May 14, 2017 at 6:37 PM UTC
Unable to sleep
Though my eyes are so tired
From having to see all the pain
I pour in the mirror
Day by day.
(They've never felt better than the last time when your face was reflected in their blue shade).
I switch from side to side
In this bed where your absence
Makes me feel like I am in the middle of a snowstorm
While I'm trying to run from all those monsters
I once told you about.
The ones your voice would chase away at night
Just by calling and saying that everything is all right.
And
I miss the way your arms around me made me feel warm
On that Friday night
When the worst monster was the train taking me away from your side.
And I miss you.
But that's something I am not suppose to say.
Not now.
Not now that the Universe has decided
To place our hearts at a safe distance one from the other.
And under these layers of skin and flesh
I can feel my soul turning into a pile of dust
wearing the scent of your embrace.
After all,
I guess,
No distance is long enough
For a heart filled with longing.
and pain.
May 7, 2017
May 7, 2017 at 7:50 PM UTC
I need to fill up my eyes with your smile
I need to take this cold skin I am wearing and turn it
into something you would wanna touch one day.
I'm holding to your memory
Like an old lady holding to a bag where she keeps the scraps
of a lonesome life—
A photograph, a book and some keys not opening any door.
Not anymore.
I remember the talks we used to have late at night
When you were asking me
Who or what I am
And I've never been able to give you an answear you'd like.
Never found it.
And now you don't ask me anymore
And it's late for anything I say
and the spring is showing her beauty in the air
while I am sitting here with my heart sinking in solitude.
And the wind is blowing, is bringing sadness in these eyes of mine
while the blossoms are flying up to the sky.
And for the first time in my life I have an answer:
I am the girl with blossoms in her hair
and winter in the eyes
who loves you.
Apr 15, 2017
Apr 15, 2017 at 3:23 PM UTC
There's a storm inside me
it starts every time I hear your laughter in the night,
when I think about the way we changed
from human beings
to some people who can only share
some words written on a cold page;
it's hard to explain how is it that I miss you
when I've never really had you in the first place
and you wouldn't understand
you see
your heart has long forgotten about feelings like these.
still
I hear your voice calling my name
I see you before my eyes
even in my dreams I write you in bleeding lines
and in my waking hours
your smile brings raindrops in my coffee
and tears on the shirt I wear
because once you said that you liked it;
spring brings tulips at my doorstep
but it's hard to feel their perfume
to let their scent in my broken lungs;
people tell me that all I have to do
is breathe
but it's hard to breathe without crying.
Mar 23, 2017
Mar 23, 2017 at 8:34 AM UTC
Trapped in a time loop
where all that happens is you
coming to me, kissing my feelings with your smile,
then crashing me
and leaving me there
with my naked hopes
hiding in the deepest grounds of my heart
again and again.
I am the prisoner of my own deathly wishes,
of the same repeating illusions,
and your voice in my head
is singing the same song on repeat
like a broken cassette
stuck in this old, rusty radio that is my mind.
I am trapped in a time loop
and all I do
is getting lost
somewhere on the paths of your soul
where my dreams get born
just so they can go to die.
Mar 1, 2017
Mar 1, 2017 at 10:05 AM UTC
I know.
I know how our souls react
I am here and you are there
and like magnets we sometimes attract each other
and sometimes repel
it's just about the way we sit,
you see,
when we close our eyes
it's easier to feel.
And my heart is stained
and my hands are tattooed with sins
and I know,
there's too much blue in my eyes
and too much white in my soul,
too much winter
too much snow
for the fire that you are.
I know
and you know too
there is a ground we'll both step on,
Together,
when there won't be so much snow
when you will have forgiven my hands
and the blue in my eyes
will seem warm enough
for your heart.
Feb 12, 2017
Feb 12, 2017 at 11:01 PM UTC
Maybe it's not about this
Maybe it's not about the way you say my name
Or about the paper planes you wrote our dreams on
And then tried to fly them from your room
To my hands.
Maybe it's not about the songs you played to me
On your old guitar
Neither about the way your laugh would come killing
Every sad minute in my life.
Maybe its not about the way you'd show me the snow and the sun
The rain
And the autumn in your eyes.
Maybe it's not about the way you've taught me
how to fight loneliness
Or how to smile and chase away the demons in my head.
Maybe it's not about any of these.
Or maybe it's about everything.
Maybe it's about the fact that I love you
And
You've never taught me
How to stop this.
All I know is
Paper planes don't always fly
Only my dreams do
All the time.
Away from me
Away from you
Away from us.
Jan 31, 2017
Jan 31, 2017 at 12:00 PM UTC
I love the way the Earth sings your name
It's like the skies are slowly falling
On piano tiles
That even the deaf can hear.
So pure, so slowly killing and reviving souls
At the same time.
I love the way you play with the wind
Like a child who learns how to play guitar
Sometimes foolishly breaking the strings
Sometimes creating music
That cuts deeply into my soul.
I love the way snow settles on your eyelashes
And how your eyes turn into a Wonderland
Where I don't shrink nor I grow
I just turn into someone
Who perfectly fits
In your world.
Jan 21, 2017
Jan 21, 2017 at 8:51 PM UTC