He looks at me
And I feel like the most beautiful person to ever exist.
He talks about me as if I created the universe
As if I am Devine, holy, a miracle
And when he holds me it’s as if he’ll never leave.
He swears the last guy was crazy
Can’t believe that I was ever single
“How could he let go of a girl like you?”
He says.
“You are amazing”
“Once in a lifetime”
Isn’t that what they always say?
Aren’t they always so enchanted at first? So head over heels in love.
And then they realize that the happy, bubbly girl has pain too.
That she has a past.
That she can’t always be the happy bubbly girl.
That she’s scared
And hurt
And broken in ways that they cannot fix.
Then they realize that I am not perfect.
That I require just too much of their energy.
I’m just too “crazy” too “damaged”.
And then they leave.
May 22, 2019
May 22, 2019 at 1:54 PM UTC
When you asked me if I had ever written a poem about you,
I explained that I typically only write about what breaks me,
So I guess you wanted a poem so bad that you decided to rip my heart out of my chest, smash it, and leave it for me to clean up.
If you wanted a poem,
All you had to do was ask.
I would have written about how it felt the world was brighter when you kissed me
Or how waking up to you was the best thing in the world.
I would have written about all the mornings you made me breakfast and all the nights you made me dinner.
I would have written about how a love like this had never shown up at my heart’s door this way.
But now I’ll write about the way it felt when I walked away from you for the last time
When you swore this wasn’t permanent
But it was wasn’t it?
I’ll right about the letters I wrote to you, but never sent
And how when I think about all the plans we made for our future,
The ones you threw away,
I’m filled with red hot rage.
I’ll write about how I knew you never loved me,
But stayed anyway in hopes that one day
You would.
May 22, 2019
May 22, 2019 at 1:49 PM UTC
I need a break.
It’s not you,
I just need time to work on myself
And I can’t do that with you around.
I need time to remember how to fall in love,
And who knows,
Maybe it wont work out...
And you can come back when it’s over.
I promise we’ll do all the things we love to do together,
Like binge eating,
Skipping class,
Drinking ourselves to sleep,
And crying in the shower.
But I feel like we need some time apart,
So please,
Just leave for a little while.
Feb 1, 2018
Feb 1, 2018 at 12:07 AM UTC
I often wonder
If your mind ever wanders to me
When it's dark and my side of the bed is empty
I wonder if you ever think
About the way my fingers felt in your
Curly, ***** ***** hair
Or about how the kisses we shared seemed to stop time
Or about the time when our love was gentle and sweet and new
Or about how we broke each other so many times
Before giving up
I often wonder if things could've been different,
If we could've had more time-stopping kisses,
And less earth shattering fights.
If you ever could've truly loved me,
The way you always promised that you would some day
I wonder if you think about me
The way I think about
How your hand felt on my back,
Rubbing all of my problems away.
Even though you were most of my problems.
Or how exhilarating it felt every time we came back to each other,
Like an alcoholic having "just one" drink, swearing we wouldn't get ****** in again.
Jul 22, 2017
Jul 22, 2017 at 12:31 AM UTC
When it's 3 am,
And he asks why you're still there,
And the only answer you have is
"Because I love you"
Leave.
Love alone is not enough to keep you warm at night.
When you know you want forever,
And he only wants right now,
Leave.
Forever is not going to happen.
The longer you hold on,
The more it'll hurt to let go.
You will find your forever,
But he is not it.
When you threaten to leave,
And he holds open the door,
Do not hesitate.
If he truly loved you,
He'd never let you go.
May 10, 2017
May 10, 2017 at 11:25 PM UTC
I can't get out of bed
And by that I mean all my pain and sadness has masqueraded itself as blankets and is holding me to this bed
I cannot eat
By which I mean
The sight of food makes me ill because I am already full of misery
And even when I try,
The lump in my throat makes it impossible
I cannot sleep
Because beautiful memories of you keep me up all night,
followed by the grief of knowing that it's all over.
And when I do sleep I wake up in the middle of the night,
Calling your name.
Mar 16, 2017
Mar 16, 2017 at 7:06 PM UTC
It is both exhilarating and frightening to look at one person and see your entire world.
Terrifying to wake up in his arms at 3 am and admire the shape of his lips,
The warmth of his skin,
The way the light from the window accents all his best qualities.
It is intoxicating to kiss him when my body is so full of love that,
like an erupting volcano,
I can no longer control myself.
Thrilling to look up and see him looking right at me.
How intimidating it is that he has no idea that the stars are in his eyes and his smile is the moon.
And how I feel every bone in my body melt when he kisses me.
But,
more than anything,
How wonderful it is to love,
Wholeheartedly,
Without hesitation.
Jan 7, 2017
Jan 7, 2017 at 7:01 PM UTC
When I was born my father held me in his arms,
Promised to cherish me,
Give me the world,
Always protect me,
And prayed to God that I'd never meet a man like you
He prayed that his daughter would never have to flinch when someone went to touch her.
Prayed that she'd never have to mistake being property for being loved.
My father prayed that I'd never know the terrifying hunger that exists in your eyes.
Prayed that I'd never have to cry while a man claimed to be making love to me,
When all he was doing was causing pain.
Prayed that I'd know the difference.
He prayed that I'd never have to lie to myself and say "I wasn't *****
"He didn't mean it"
"Maybe he didn't hear me crying stop"
"At least he stopped when he saw the blood"
Prayed that it wouldn't take me 5 years to even talk about it out loud. Once. With my best friend. And still act like it wasn't a big deal.
Sep 7, 2016
Sep 7, 2016 at 1:01 PM UTC
If you were a tree
I'd lay in your branches the way I lay in your arms
Because I know they'd hold me
If you were a tree I'd spend everyday in your shade
I'd water you like it was my religion
And when they tried to tear us apart I'd chain myself to you in protest.
When your leaves fell I'd collect them in hopes to learn more about you.
I'd build a fence around you so that no one could hurt you.
I'd love you in all seasons.
Even in the dead of winter when you remained dormant and leafless, I'd still see your beauty.
If you were a tree
I'd climb to the top of you so that we could see the world together.
And when you died,
I'd have you made into paper and bound you into a notebook.
And everyday I'd write love letters into you so that even in death,
You knew our love was real.
Apr 12, 2016
Apr 12, 2016 at 12:39 AM UTC
I remember it like it was yesterday.
We were driving a little too fast,
and the destination didn't matter.
I was just watching you,
Singing the song on the radio,
Reciting every line perfectly,
(me chiming in where I could),
The smile on your face filled my heart with nostalgia.
Because in that moment,
You weren't the guy that you grew up to be,
You were the boy I fell in love with years ago.
I go to that moment whenever I miss you.
Whenever my heart goes numb,
Or worse,
When I can feel every ounce of pain from you not being there.
In that moment,
I was safe.
In that moment,
I knew,
the definition of never-ending.
I knew,
that I would forever be stuck,
In that seat,
In that car,
In that moment,
Watching you.
Apr 15, 2015
Apr 15, 2015 at 6:39 PM UTC