This struggle inside me
How it tears at my soul
Pulling me towards her
Like screams from a sword
While he stubbornly digs in
Always ready for a fight
Showing off her insecurities
With a masculine delight
But when they both collapse
Exhausted from the fight
A magical moment happens
And harmony resides
Her essence feels so strong
And it quickly flows within
But soon he will be back again
And another struggle will begin
by Lj Mark 2015
Dec 21, 2015
Dec 21, 2015 at 8:42 PM UTC
I'm so self aware now.
No hiding anymore.
No more pretending to be someone I'm not.
I'm free.
Floating through racks of once forbidden clothes in every color of the rainbow.
Touching lace and chiffons with tears from years of it being taboo to even look.
I used to want to so bad.
Browsing women's shoes with sparkles in my eyes.
I know my size now.
Just knowing makes me giddy.
No more looking over my shoulder in case someone sees me.
Look at me now.
I'm completely self aware.
I'm free.
I'm me.
I'm who I'm supposed to be.
by Lj Mark 2015
Dec 20, 2015
Dec 20, 2015 at 11:02 PM UTC
Isn't it funny the times that we share
Whether out in the world or from a favorite chair
No matter if we're talking face to face
Or with computer in lap chatting in cyberspace
Friendships become families that we choose ourselves
Often better and deeper than those in our house
They love and console our every pain
Accept us regardless of age, gender or name
Don't let a day pass
you don't tell them it's true
That they make your life special
And that I love you
by Lj Mark
Dec 15, 2015
Dec 15, 2015 at 10:13 PM UTC
Someone asked me the other day
Could I ever date a Transgender girl
I think they expected a No, or Maybe
But a different answer popped out of my mouth
A special friend came to mind
A secret love I have
but mine alone, as she speaks only French
She is transgender, and date her I would
I dream of her nightly
dreams I can't put into words
We trans people speak of masks
Of who we tried to be before
Lying, acting, pretending to be male
With the woman we have always been
Hidden behind masks, confined to a closet
But I know for some it is also a mask
The attempts to look female and pass
To hide the body we hate
To be more the woman that we imagine us to be
But isn't that also a mask
The clothes and makeup, lipstick and wigs
Trying to make our bodies
Match who we are in our minds
This secret love I have, the intimate dreams
I want to take off all the masks
The wigs the makeup the clothes and shoes
I want to be with the person beneath all of the masks
That's who I dream of holding, that's who I long to love
by Lj Mark
Dec 8, 2015
Dec 8, 2015 at 10:00 AM UTC
I thought I was male
But wearing that mask
took all my strength
And the knots in my chest got too tight
Dysphoria was literally killing me
Not relating to men got too much
Relating with women got too attractive
And impossible to keep passing up
There could really be only one answer
It shouldn't have been hard to see
I had to break free from my prison cell
I had to reveal the true me
And in these two years of growing
Becoming who I've always been
I've experienced so many wondrous things
And delight in them again and again
From makeup to jewelry
To perfumes and shoes
A thousand shades of polish
And clothes from pink to blue
I now sleep like a baby
Happily innocent and free
There's no more stress or pressure inside
Just a beautiful woman that's me
Lj Mark 2015
Dec 5, 2015
Dec 5, 2015 at 9:37 PM UTC
The girl I wish I was
Is fighting to escape
This body slowly wilts
It's masculinity fades
My female mind is strong
It's intuition seldom wrong
But it's fighting what's below
My male body won't let go
Each day brings me closer
To the person I know I am
One day soon you'll see
The woman I was made to be
by Lj Mark
Dec 2, 2015
Dec 2, 2015 at 10:21 PM UTC
I wonder what's on the other side
Is Leelah in a place she no longer must hide
Will there some day be room there left for me
A place I can shine and be totally free
To those who try to hold us down
And keep us from wearing our own unique crown
Shame on you for the pain you bring
To the struggling souls whose only wish is to sing
Lj Mark 2015
Nov 29, 2015
Nov 29, 2015 at 1:27 AM UTC
6 months at sea, on a cold cargo ship..
2000 containers, stacked as even as the dishes in grandma's cupboards..
Checking the lines, tightening the bolts that the sea slowly loosens..
At the days end, bunk time, a precious 12 hours till next shift..
Plugging a laptop into an old jack in my bunk..
Only 3 text emails a day, routed through the sat-link on the bridge..
I check the local listings in Miami, hoping to find an email friend for the voyage..
I notice the name Jamie on the local listings, I knew a Jamie once, a girl from school years past..
I type hello, pleasantries enclosed, hoping for a reply..
The next day a reply, small talk, Jamie's sweet..
She isn't the same Jamie I knew, but we connect and keep writing each day..
Jamie and I get close, writing long emails, few secrets kept..
5 1/2 months pass, Jamie fills my mind each day..
Only 2 weeks until i come home, counting hours now..
I email Jamie, let's meet when I get home..
The screen goes blank, Jamie doesn't reply to my message..
3 days, nothing..
What did I say, what went wrong, why..
Saturday an email waits, it's her..
I'm sorry, I've been so sad this week..
I've let you think something about me that isn't true..
I lied, and I won't be able to hide it if you ever saw me..
And… Well… I love you… And I selfishly led you on..
I'm in the dark I said, I don't understand at all..
I don't care what you look like, how did you lie..
Jamie hesitates.. 5 minutes pass..
Because I'm a guy, not a girl like you thought..
My name sounds female, but is a guy's name too..
It just happened, then it was too late to tell you, we got so close so fast, you would have stopped writing..
Are you serious.. What, you're gay..
Yes…
I slam closed the laptop..
3 days pass, we arrive home tomorrow..
I'm calm now, I thought things through..
I email Jamie one last time..
I'm still upset, but I guess I understand now..
When I get home tomorrow we all leave the back of the ship, walk the block away to the parking lot..
You can sit in the park by where we walk past, if you want to see what I looked like..
But I have no words, I'm still so confused..
I just want to go home..
So tired..
We dock at 7am and all head down the walkway to the parking lot and our cars and taxis await..
Feeling so sad, my head looking down counting cracks in the sidewalk, to keep from crying..
I notice a guy standing alone away from the walk just watching everyone leave the ship and walk past..
I glance a second time, he's still looking toward the ship..
His face is red, with tears, I know it's him..
He never saw me walk past..
I stop, turn and look towards him..
He sees me, and somehow knows it's me to..
From the distance between us I see him mouth the words, I'm sorry..
I silently say, I know..
I drop my bags to the ground..
Walk up to him and we hug, sobbing for a long time..
Let's go home I whisper..
But you're not Gay..
It doesn't matter I say..
When it comes to my heart, I don't care..
by Lj Mark 2015
Nov 28, 2015
Nov 28, 2015 at 11:40 AM UTC
That year was so cold
As cold as that winter that wouldn't end
All I remember about that year
Was how little I fit in anywhere
How I connected with no one
How I sat alone at school
While in a room with 40 others
I lost count of how many hours I spent
Alone in my parents cold garage
Sitting in my car that needed a new motor
Watching the snow fall from the window
And the breath rise from my mouth
All the times I sat staring at a handful of pills
Too broken to go on, but too scared to sign out
Caught in endless torment, with no future in sight
Half of me not caring anymore
Half wanting so bad to hold on
I never imagined I'd survive that year
Or the next, then 5, and 10
Or have the life that I have today
But I am evidence that all of it's true
And giving up too early in life
Is like throwing your cards down too soon
You just might be holding a king or a queen
But it might take you more time to know
by Lj Mark
Nov 23, 2015
Nov 23, 2015 at 1:32 AM UTC
Drawstring linen pants,
Unisex from a women's catalogue.
Dark green shirt, tomboy approved.
Enough makeup to hide my faults.
Pink heart earrings, and a silver cross in the 3rd hole.
A silver cross, trans emblem and a silver heart engraved Laura, my true identity, together on a black bead chain.
Silver Lesbian insignia ring with my wedding band on top.
A black 1st finger ring etched with the Lord's prayer.
2 bracelets, one orange one turquoise to match a turquoise hat and dark glasses.
A couple of mists of Acqua di Gioia.
Women's turquoise/orange runners,
And a Victoria's secret backpack.
I didn't really think about the details until evening,
All I knew is I felt comfortable today.
I even went to Kohl's department store alone and browsed, and felt a confidence I'd rarely felt in the past.
Is this how some people feel every day I wonder?
I was so grateful for just today, just one day.
Today I was me
by Lj Mark 2015
Oct 31, 2015
Oct 31, 2015 at 12:54 AM UTC