It starts so simply; a flush of heat to the head, an unforgiving reverberation in the ears, pounding like drums until I can hear the foundation of my brain begin to crack.
Then, just like that – it all goes black
And it’s like I had never been well and happiness was just a dream. Normalcy; what is that? I don’t remember now.
Jul 2, 2018
Jul 2, 2018 at 6:11 PM UTC
I haven't see sky for weeks
haven't felt the sun kiss my skin
or smelled the sweet summer grass
I miss my blue skies
and even more - I miss the stars
puncturing the sky so black
like little rips in the seam
I used to really live
but now,
I am just a non-person-
scaling the verge of death
Jul 25, 2017
Jul 25, 2017 at 9:49 PM UTC
I am desperate
for a break
for a way out
of my current existence
my cynically cyclical day-to-day
I dream of you
and the road
stretching out as far as the eye can see
nothing but skies for miles
I long to be there -
nowhere
anywhere but here
Jul 25, 2017
Jul 25, 2017 at 9:47 PM UTC
Do you know why the caged bird sings?
I do -
She sings because that is her only joy
wings clipped -
she can no longer fly
locked inside of her one foot space
close to the window
able to see
but never to experience
she sings because that is all she has left
her only gift -
her last effort towards a cold dark world
that cannot support her
that will not let her fly
Jul 25, 2017
Jul 25, 2017 at 9:44 PM UTC
I guess I shouldn't be surprised
shouldn't feel jolted,
or be standing here still - with shaking hands
It's been six years;
I knew somewhere deep,
down inside of myself
that this was coming
Does she know me?
Does she know anything at all?
I'm sure she doesn't - why would she?
You don't know me either;
never got the chance
you can't know someone - who pretends to be someone else
someone who lives in a world that they made up
inside of their own head
the kind of girl,
who believes her own lies
I remember how you left me
Do you?
Challenging my spirit
my experience
my very existence -
because you knew god better
than the girl who lived so close to death
Does your new bride know;
how you turned your back,
and left me behind
to clean up the mess you made?
to bury the dead alone
repressed so deep -
that it took years to dig up
No,
I'm sure she doesn't know at all.
Jul 3, 2017
Jul 3, 2017 at 6:31 PM UTC
It speaks to me,
comes in waves
following the moon
I can't always hear the words
but I know the voices
and I understand their meaning
There are different parts,
of depression
many different factors making one whole
one powerful,
clear truth
It speaks to me,
assuring me that it will always be there
as consistent as the rain
more inconsistent than the storm
I try to protect myself from it,
withdraw from the world
pull the covers up over my head
hibernate for the winter
but the madness just gets more clever
and my mind will always outsmart me
lingering in the dark,
with one hand outstretched
inviting me in with the poisonous apple
I will always fall for the trick
take a bite,
and let it take me down
Feb 16, 2017
Feb 16, 2017 at 8:14 PM UTC
I'm losing my ability to speak
soon, no one will be able to understand me
i'll be speaking gibberish
using slang that no one can place
reinventing english
until language is my own
I use the same words
but they never have the same meaning
I speak in circles until my head buzzes
and my mouth is too tired to move
I am a mute
and a soundbox
an animal -- only one of my kind
unable to communicate
with a single living soul
Feb 16, 2017
Feb 16, 2017 at 7:23 PM UTC
This isn't the first time,
I let go of you
only to bring you back in
I know I tease your heart
fill it with hope when you see me
drain it completely,
every time I go
This isn't the first time,
I've told you I loved you
crying wolf --
telling you a lie
that even I try to believe
but I don't love you
and I know I never will
but Boy, if I could...
and there I go again
Feb 16, 2017
Feb 16, 2017 at 7:10 PM UTC
I want to be alone,
In a home all my own
a place only I can go
with a porcelain tub
and a vault of red wine
little white picket fence
enclosing my perfect sanctuary
keeping all the bad out
letting only the good in
Feb 16, 2017
Feb 16, 2017 at 7:06 PM UTC
It was the weight of it,
which caused me to crumble
shook my tired hands loose
forced me to let go
until I laid there crushed,
flattened face first on the ground
too tired to move
too afraid to peel myself from the floor
and stretch my weary arms towards the sky
Where are you, God?
sit with me here
by the river bank
watch me wade in deep
and be taken by the current
washed out into the ocean
caught between the tides
the coming and going
the to and form
in, out, and away
bits of me dispersing through the water
until I am nothing at all
I breathe in deeply and shut my eyes
gripping tightly to reality
trying my best to stay present
until it passes
until the monster leaves me
I stay still, hiding beneath the covers
safely stable in my permanent cocoon
I will not break free from this -- become the butterfly
but I will survive it
even if I am not really living
Feb 16, 2017
Feb 16, 2017 at 6:55 PM UTC