I tried to get along without you
I rinsed off your *** in the shower and cleaned your kisses off my teeth
morning is easy, nighttime is hard
sure I miss your hand on my stomach when dawn forces my eyes to open, but I jump out of bed so quickly and make my morning Joe in a rickety old French press (the coffee maker was yours)
morning is easier than night, even when the sun illuminates the green of my eyes, swelling like a cloud swells with rain on an April afternoon
and on April 20th, when I celebrated the inauguration into my 23rd year and I was met with stark silence from you, that was hard
and nighttime's never easy, I see the glow of the stars and think of your third eye in which I adored
so venus goes retrograde and makes the missing even deeper, you'd think that months later the scars would begin to heal
not when you dig into them nightly and make a playground out of despair and terror
I rip off the bandages around my wound and call you
I get through.
we cry and we wonder, we weep and we ponder, we toss harsh words and wrap them with sugar sweet sentiments
the next thing I know I'm in your scarred arms once again
I've never felt so sweetly at home
your sturdy body is a house and I want to move back in, pull the weeds from the garden, and paint the walls pink
Saturn's rings tell me "no," but the planet's core is screaming "yes"
I consider who's right
to listen to one's heart or one's mind
my trepidation lies in hurting you again
I've treated your heart like a yo-yo, up and down and back and forth, knotting the cord
can we get through this?
is it just a chapter or is it the epilogue?
I tried to get along without you
however,
simply,
I don't want to get along without you
May 5, 2020
May 5, 2020 at 5:13 PM UTC
A venn diagram or an x-axis or a y-axis or a bar graph or a pictograph
I wanna take a picture of your pain
And show it to a me that has yet to hurt you
And disrupt the space time continuum or whatever it’s called
My friend, Ra, like the sun she is
Used to punch herself in the head when she got anxious
I always thought it was ******* mental and scary as hell
Now I have to sit on my hands to refrain from hurting myself
I guess I just didn’t know extreme discomfort yet
I thought I did
Oh did I have another thing coming for me
If I could fold time and conflate experience
I’d arrest my own self
Hands trapped inside of cuffs
And not the **** pink fuzzy kind
I’d lock myself up in a prison
So that those around me would be safe from my wrecking ball
I’d save them from myself
By destroying myself
I’d put my soul in a paper shredder
And throw the remnants in a dull green dumpster
Perhaps I’m exacerbating the experience
We’ll call it “emotional cutting”
Listening to 100,000 Fireflies
Looking at that video of you saying “wake up, wake up, wake up”
Continuously going out of my way for you
Even though you say stop
I cant help it
I need to put a bandaid over this volcano
I need to win you over
I want you to come over to my side of the bed
Leaving so much space on the left side
As we are wrapped in each other
I promise I didn’t mean to ****** you when I massaged your back
I know my promises mean nothing
Like you said, a relationship is built in trust..
And there’s none there
But there’s love and light and life
And where there’s life there’s hope
I don’t want to meet you in the future
At the supermarket
With your wife
I want you to be my forever fling
Wearing an opal ring
I am your wife
Oct 31, 2019
Oct 31, 2019 at 7:57 PM UTC
Reaching still for you
The way you reach for me
In the morning
Your right arm wrapped around my belly
Butterflies
Fluttering inside
Crying for you still
The way you cried
At Hey Arnold
Your saltwater coursing through your cheeks
Tasting my tears
Like the salt rim around the margarita
I drink to forget you
But I will never forget you
Your soul in ingrained in my brain
I close my eyes (awake) and see your crooked front teeth
I close my eyes (asleep) and see us laughing, swinging
And you will remember me
The way I left you
Like a crackhead leaving their daughter behind
Only to be reconciled a decade later
Resentment isn’t the word, neither is forgiveness
“You won’t be happy with me
But give me one more chance
You won’t be happy anyway”
Maybe I’ll sing your favorite song at karaoke
And bring the house down with sadness
Like when you sang Skyway
Your cinnamon flavored voice booming
I always put an excess of it in my oatmeal
Although it makes my eyes
Water
I should drink some water
I should get some sleep
I should take my meds
I will dress in black
I will chain smoke my spirits
I will drink myself to a stupor
ZzzzZZZzzzzzz tired ZZzzzzzZZZZ
ZZZZzzzzZ sleeping ZZZzzzzzZ
ZzzZZZZZZzZ living ZzzzZZzzZz
ZZzZzZzzzZZ dead ZzZzZZzZz
Oct 29, 2019
Oct 29, 2019 at 11:23 PM UTC
flicked down and dark
lightswitch
up
up
away
head in the clouds
straining to crane my neck
around
back to you
checking
to see if you're there
but when I see you
I'm a burning sun
although I'm only the moon
inconstant and dark and dull
but you light me up
you flick me on and up
I imagine you touching me
touching you, touching me
I know I'd only quiver
I'd shake
an earthquake
my thighs are vibrating
as I'm waiting
waiting
waiting
how can I miss something I've never had
somehow I already want more
more of you and more of me
but mostly more of you and me
Oct 12, 2019
Oct 12, 2019 at 2:08 AM UTC
I write with a pink Bic now
My phone is white and out of storage and I’m not connected to the
cloud because it freaks me out, so every time I delete a picture, she
asks “are you sure?” And I “delete anyway”
My high school best friend’s cousin’s husband just died and I’m
wondering why I’m weeping for a kin I never grew akin to, a mere
stranger, a subtle blip in my matrix. But his poetry
is beautiful, I know that. And his music is beautiful, I know that.
I drank a root beer float tonight and the night before, or did I eat it? It
reminded me of buying 99 cent slushes at Convenient. Or the
“healthy” slushes I bought to accompany my soft pretzel everyday
in middle school.
On the terrace, everyone else ate hot dogs and I looked down,
holding my soggy French fries and wondering what else there is out
there besides ketchup and mustard: like in Princess Diaries when
Julie Andrews puts mustard on her corndog. I always thought
that was so cool.
Or when Mia Thermopolis sit sideways in her giant comfy chair after
throwing darts at balloons filled with paint aka “stupid cupid stop
picking on me” or is it… “hitting on me”
Remember when Ben Day asked for pictures and when you sent cute
selfies in your sports bra, he responded, “okay, but can they not be
of your face?”
Or when Ben Wilson taught you that “hurt people hurt people” and
had “ultra conservative” on his Facebook page underneath political
views and you had go ask what that meant. I Corinthians 1:13 or
something like that was always my favorite bible verse because its
the only one I ever learned by heart.
Hail Satan.
We all rot under late capitalism.
But I didn’t know that then. I know that now, but not then.
Now I wonder mostly about the ethics behind “procreating.” I wanna
bear fruit, but I can’t even stand the thought of myself burning in a
fiery pit, let alone my spawn.
But,
My stepsister is pregnant. She found out the “gender” today, “boy.”
My nieces and nephews have had a very gendered upbringing, I
guess I did too: barbies and bratz and Betty spaghetti.
I know everyone always says they just want a “healthy, happy baby”
But I have a crippling nicotine addiction and manic depression, I’m
not healthy or happy.
Do you think I was the idea my parents pictured when my mom peed
on that stick and got a plus sign?
Probably not.
I hate to disappoint.
They can live in the glory days when my cursive handwriting was
better than anyone else’s in my second grade class. Olivia Layne
Ulmer on that brown, dotted, lined paper.
With a yellow no.2 pencil.
Aug 8, 2019
Aug 8, 2019 at 1:57 AM UTC
dreadfully and drearily so she picked around her nose where her ring used to be
full of dead and destruction she ripped out pages of John 3.16, where her crown chakra used to feel free
wistfully wishing for her black jeans with a string instead of a zipper; she now wears a gown
wondering why, she contemplates in her midnight blue constellation journal: to down-
right mortify me,
to make a mockery, to….to, to…. to…. find me in case I pull the fire alarm and try to escape
she puts together puzzles with her mother’s name in cursive in the bottom right corner and puts them together with tape
begrudgingly so she ties up the used new balance sneakers she borrows and moans
she wants to move her body, for her form has been stagnant, oh how she wishes to roam
jogging, running, sprinting from the wolves to the butterflies and bunnies
painting a stain glassed window as a holy shrine to The Queen of The Goths, she’s so spunky
wondering where her soul’s mate could be in a blizzard this thick
but she knows she’s been a real witch, flying into her alter ego’s psyche on a broomstick
if she can infiltrate her reflection in the mirror she’ll catapult into outer space
although, around her neck, she’d much rather wrap a shoelace
In five days time, 120 hours, 7,200 minutes, not only does the doggy door open,
so does the front door, who had the key? Will the door be closing?
Jogging, running, sprinting from the eyes of the doctor to the arms of the unbroken
My feet are swollen
My hands need lotion
My thoughts are golden
I am coping
He is coping
We are coping
They are unbroken
Over a basket of fish and chips, I realize I was chosen
Is that a ****** up notion?
I just don’t want to feel hopeless
Is this excess of energy a bad omen?
Back in the free world now, I’m so scared of my spirit being stolen
But my energy is as vast as the ocean and potent
I win, I win, I win !
But the imperialists are closing
In
Feb 13, 2019
Feb 13, 2019 at 11:19 PM UTC
I expected the spaces left to shrink
I thought my body'd forget your square shape
I hoped my holed heart wouldn't be left agape
Boldly naive, a baby dressed in pink
I hate you for leaving me stuck to think
You were the only one here not an ape
I don't want to patch my canyon with tape
But no choice I have, you left in a blink
Now, it's my duty to bat my lashes
First to mop the crystal geyser of tears
Secondly, coquettishly-over to him
Who he is matters not, only passion.
Hotel? Motel? I'm sick of these affairs.
Alone, I must remain-with him in Grimm.
Oct 3, 2017
Oct 3, 2017 at 1:11 PM UTC
Did you forget all of me was inside you?
I only used your holes for my spare parts
At first-until each ounce I extracted
Now, looking in the mirror asking-who?
I think I lost myself inside of you
I can't retrieve now that you've retracted
You've broken me with your breach of contract
I used to see color, now only blue.
Love or life, I wonder which is the greater loss?
Is ownership a prerequisite of grief?
If so, my pain I am not entitled.
Although relieved I am of albatross
I'm now racked with curs'd thoughts of that thief
Alone, sans my resource for survival.
Oct 3, 2017
Oct 3, 2017 at 1:10 PM UTC
dreams are hollow
like your bones
are now all I have of you
your baby teeth saved in a jar above my bed
daydreams are fantasy
like your taste
memories of your lips
your kisses kept safe lingering on my neck
Aug 23, 2017
Aug 23, 2017 at 3:51 PM UTC
when last mine eyes met yours
the roses in my belly didn't fall to my ****
and my tongue didn't tie itself up with the rope in the dark
and my hands didn't clam up with the sweat that slicked off your back
it's like I never saw you the first time
when last mine eye met yours
I invited a cordial embrace absent of complication
and my mouth flapped away with stories of a me who doesn't know you
and my hands stayed folded in my lap atop my crossed legs
and when you couldn't bring your eyes to meet mine
it was like I never even saw you the first time
Aug 8, 2017
Aug 8, 2017 at 3:16 PM UTC