lindsay-alayne-stevens - Hello Poetry

I first saw you at the bookstore Months of texting culminating in that first moment Days filled with vulnerability and laughter Hours of silly photos and odd Tik Toks Bunny videos and cat dramas Books, games, and basketball Family, dreams, and needs. During those first months, I envisioned how it would feel to meet you If I would recognize you If it would feel as natural in person Would conversation be filtered? Would we not know what to say? Would nerves get in the way? The wait before I saw you was tense Knotted stomach and sweaty palms Aimless strolling without seeing Picking spines off shelves While my own swivels every time the door opens Surrounded by vanillin escapes and bitter coffee Seeing your pink sweater and jeans The heart calms and breath steadies Chatter and rustling dissipate Every crevice of my being thrums As I watch you approach Sparks shimmer up my arms A mirror soul stares back I first saw you in the book store Walls filled with happy endings Hopes and dreams of others' imaginations Yet those stories I held so dear told me lies. That I was worthy of a fairytale kind of love And for a moment it felt real. Our first hug felt too short I didn’t want to let you go Our first kiss left me wanting more I melted in your arms Our first misunderstanding dropped me I didn’t see it coming Our last conversation left me shattered I wanted to keep going But I’ll always have when I first saw you The outside world ceased to matter The smallest touch set me aflame When everything stilled When all was novel When all was ardent When all left me animated When all left me breathless When wistful was just a word in a book

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Mar 3, 2022

Mar 3, 2022 at 7:40 PM UTC

When I Saw You

I first saw you at the bookstore Months of texting culminating in that first moment Days filled with vulnerability and laughter Hours of silly photos and odd Tik Toks Bunny videos and cat dramas Books, games, and basketball Family, dreams, and needs. During those first months, I envisioned how it would feel to meet you If I would recognize you If it would feel as natural in person Would conversation be filtered? Would we not know what to say? Would nerves get in the way? The wait before I saw you was tense Knotted stomach and sweaty palms Aimless strolling without seeing Picking spines off shelves While my own swivels every time the door opens Surrounded by vanillin escapes and bitter coffee Seeing your pink sweater and jeans The heart calms and breath steadies Chatter and rustling dissipate Every crevice of my being thrums As I watch you approach Sparks shimmer up my arms A mirror soul stares back I first saw you in the book store Walls filled with happy endings Hopes and dreams of others' imaginations Yet those stories I held so dear told me lies. That I was worthy of a fairytale kind of love And for a moment it felt real. Our first hug felt too short I didn’t want to let you go Our first kiss left me wanting more I melted in your arms Our first misunderstanding dropped me I didn’t see it coming Our last conversation left me shattered I wanted to keep going But I’ll always have when I first saw you The outside world ceased to matter The smallest touch set me aflame When everything stilled When all was novel When all was ardent When all left me animated When all left me breathless When wistful was just a word in a book

50

Can Morning forget the violence of the Night? For gentle dew to replace emboldened strikes that a bird's song answers echoed screams and glittering haze overtakes peppered smoke Does Night whisper through the day found in streams of pressure empty gallons torn paper discarded masks shattered glass That Night's ***** fingers grasping clawing scratching the surface of a past carefully hidden bleeds through pristine learned pages to words unspoken bandages wrapped milk poured least the wound bring feared change the silvered light, a true new Morning true dawn bursting forth in honest reconciliation not forgetting not forgiving but forward Morning and Night pushing but can Morning further meaning of Night

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Feb 8, 2021

Feb 8, 2021 at 2:56 AM UTC

Morning and Night

Can Morning forget the violence of the Night? For gentle dew to replace emboldened strikes that a bird's song answers echoed screams and glittering haze overtakes peppered smoke Does Night whisper through the day found in streams of pressure empty gallons torn paper discarded masks shattered glass That Night's ***** fingers grasping clawing scratching the surface of a past carefully hidden bleeds through pristine learned pages to words unspoken bandages wrapped milk poured least the wound bring feared change the silvered light, a true new Morning true dawn bursting forth in honest reconciliation not forgetting not forgiving but forward Morning and Night pushing but can Morning further meaning of Night

28

I know they say I’m not less than in view But I’m bursting at the seams Of being told What I can be I'm more than that pretty thing hiding in the corner. When can I state my view? Decide my own timeline. Fight as a peer Instead of a squalid sequel. I’m more than that pretty thing gracing your arm. When will I be seen for my intelligence? Be introduced as my accomplishments Not just someone’s pet. I’m more than that pretty thing reading beside you These walls are filled with work; Teeming with the outcomes of edification Twists and turns in vivid inspiration I’m filled to the brim Yet more will emerge I’m more than that pretty thing dancing next to you. I’m an artist With a vision all my own A writer Spinning words of chaos across a page. My body can bring forth life But it’s worth more than that Yet your say is better than mine? I’m more than that pretty thing sleeping beside you. Yes, I wear lingerie But bring those eyes up It’s not for your viewing pleasure. I’m more than that pretty thing silent in acquiescence. I need to get out Before these walls cave in If I get any more I won’t claim what to do. It can’t take a lifetime But I’ll fight one true I’m more than that pretty thing wading through the crowd That’s the way it needs to be Time is running few Running out of walls is not the way I plan to be. I'm more than that pretty thing marching down the street. I’m that pretty thing emerging from the shadows. I’m that pretty thing taking care of others. I’m that pretty thing using those walls. I’m that pretty thing running for a change. I’m that pretty thing awake in passion. I’m that pretty thing screaming to be heard. I’m that pretty thing pushing through the mud. I’m that pretty thing marching down the street.

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Jan 15, 2019

Jan 15, 2019 at 2:23 AM UTC

That Pretty Thing

67

Somewhere in Vermont I see the sky Stars scattered like lighting bugs back home Clouds drift, Cold breeze, Threatening rain Shaped like an unfamiliar constellation Headlamps shine Some red, some blue, some yellow Some bright, some dim There's a presence here Neither scary Or threatening Or even mysterious People breathe, A guitar sounds, Pens scribble Each in unity with the other Somewhere in Vermont People write Separated by space Their own thoughts Spilling around them Combining as one Yet still Individual Brought together By happenstance They breathe together as One

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Oct 26, 2015

Oct 26, 2015 at 11:35 PM UTC

One

Somewhere in Vermont I see the sky Stars scattered like lighting bugs back home Clouds drift, Cold breeze, Threatening rain Shaped like an unfamiliar constellation Headlamps shine Some red, some blue, some yellow Some bright, some dim There's a presence here Neither scary Or threatening Or even mysterious People breathe, A guitar sounds, Pens scribble Each in unity with the other Somewhere in Vermont People write Separated by space Their own thoughts Spilling around them Combining as one Yet still Individual Brought together By happenstance They breathe together as One

32

I sit back on the computer, Browsing through the pages of those I grew up with Those people who thought they knew everything about me I sit back and see what they’ve made of themselves This girl is single, living alone with her four cats This other girl now has two kids, unmarried and no degree This girl is engaged to her high school sweetheart, yet they don’t look happy This other couple broke up, wait they’re back together, nope spoke too soon This guy is working at the local supermarket, never went to college after his arrest This guy gained a few pounds, no longer the star athlete This guy dropped off the map See being the quiet girl, I learned secrets I knew the deepest secrets of every single one of these people Because while they sat in the back of the room chattering on about their so called problems I was sitting in the front, Listening This girl had two boyfriends, and even more flings This girl slept with four guys in one night This girl’s boyfriend cheated on her, over and over again This couple would sneak off in between classes, during lunch, or school assemblies This guy was the trophy child, who gave away free drugs to his friends hidden inside pens This guy was the quarterback; everything handed to him on a golden platter This guy was the school stud who was hiding a relationship with his boyfriend by sleeping with every girl he could Back then I listened because I wanted to feel apart of something bigger I wanted to be one of them, I wanted to be invited to all those weekend bashes I wanted to be the girl people felt awed by, inspired by, idolized I wanted to be part of the “in” crowd So I stood there, day after day As they teased me Berated me Shattered my confidence Tearing apart everything I was Telling me I would never amount to anything Telling me I was fat, ugly, stupid That I unworthy of love Telling me… I Was Nothing Let them tell me that today I see everything of what they have become Those people I wanted to be are no longer there Their confidence shattered by reality The best days of their life ended the day they left high school Mine on the other hand are just beginning I am the girl who is wanted I’m the girl who can go wild I’m the girl who can be passionate I’m the girl who is adventurous I’m the girl who brings pride I’m the girl who is the athlete I'm the girl who travels the world I’m the girl who is unashamed of who I am Because by pushing me out My oppressors gave me everything I needed The strength to try The courage to dream The ability to think The confidence to be unique Independence to thrive But more than anything My oppressors gave me desire Desire to be more than they believed I could be

0

Oct 26, 2015

Oct 26, 2015 at 11:30 PM UTC

Sitting Back

I sit back on the computer, Browsing through the pages of those I grew up with Those people who thought they knew everything about me I sit back and see what they’ve made of themselves This girl is single, living alone with her four cats This other girl now has two kids, unmarried and no degree This girl is engaged to her high school sweetheart, yet they don’t look happy This other couple broke up, wait they’re back together, nope spoke too soon This guy is working at the local supermarket, never went to college after his arrest This guy gained a few pounds, no longer the star athlete This guy dropped off the map See being the quiet girl, I learned secrets I knew the deepest secrets of every single one of these people Because while they sat in the back of the room chattering on about their so called problems I was sitting in the front, Listening This girl had two boyfriends, and even more flings This girl slept with four guys in one night This girl’s boyfriend cheated on her, over and over again This couple would sneak off in between classes, during lunch, or school assemblies This guy was the trophy child, who gave away free drugs to his friends hidden inside pens This guy was the quarterback; everything handed to him on a golden platter This guy was the school stud who was hiding a relationship with his boyfriend by sleeping with every girl he could Back then I listened because I wanted to feel apart of something bigger I wanted to be one of them, I wanted to be invited to all those weekend bashes I wanted to be the girl people felt awed by, inspired by, idolized I wanted to be part of the “in” crowd So I stood there, day after day As they teased me Berated me Shattered my confidence Tearing apart everything I was Telling me I would never amount to anything Telling me I was fat, ugly, stupid That I unworthy of love Telling me… I Was Nothing Let them tell me that today I see everything of what they have become Those people I wanted to be are no longer there Their confidence shattered by reality The best days of their life ended the day they left high school Mine on the other hand are just beginning I am the girl who is wanted I’m the girl who can go wild I’m the girl who can be passionate I’m the girl who is adventurous I’m the girl who brings pride I’m the girl who is the athlete I'm the girl who travels the world I’m the girl who is unashamed of who I am Because by pushing me out My oppressors gave me everything I needed The strength to try The courage to dream The ability to think The confidence to be unique Independence to thrive But more than anything My oppressors gave me desire Desire to be more than they believed I could be

64

When I was little We never went to the beach, Or the lake, Or the river In fact the very idea that, Anything was larger than the creek behind my house Was foreign to me I knew it existed, But I didn’t really… I’d never seen it But when I did, I still remember the fear Walking up to edge of the cool water The grit of the sand The heat of the sun The smell of fish The knowledge that the waves could pull me in Take me away But the thing that stays with me the most Is the feeling I felt calm I felt at peace I never knew that Never understood it anyway I could have stood there for hours Just staring out at the endlessness Knowing that there was something on the other side of that Something else that I could see It made me realize how small I was It made me realize how big I was I guess that’s the beginning I went back, Searching For that feeling again I returned to very spot Same time of day Same day of the year But it wasn’t the same Something’s was missing Maybe I just needed a different beach Maybe I don't need a beach But I still kept searching Looking around Questioning if I’ll ever feel so small again Someday Somehow I’d feel that again That endlessness That serenity That hope But if that was the only time I wish I had taken more Just a few seconds To really memorize it To really embrace it Before I ran off I hiked up a mountain side The rough rocks digging into my hands The leaves providing shade The nutty, floral scent on the wind Then there at the top The sun set below the horizon And then that feeling arose once again And I knew it wasn’t endlessness I felt that day Rather I was Complete

0

Oct 26, 2015

Oct 26, 2015 at 11:23 PM UTC

Water

When I was little We never went to the beach, Or the lake, Or the river In fact the very idea that, Anything was larger than the creek behind my house Was foreign to me I knew it existed, But I didn’t really… I’d never seen it But when I did, I still remember the fear Walking up to edge of the cool water The grit of the sand The heat of the sun The smell of fish The knowledge that the waves could pull me in Take me away But the thing that stays with me the most Is the feeling I felt calm I felt at peace I never knew that Never understood it anyway I could have stood there for hours Just staring out at the endlessness Knowing that there was something on the other side of that Something else that I could see It made me realize how small I was It made me realize how big I was I guess that’s the beginning I went back, Searching For that feeling again I returned to very spot Same time of day Same day of the year But it wasn’t the same Something’s was missing Maybe I just needed a different beach Maybe I don't need a beach But I still kept searching Looking around Questioning if I’ll ever feel so small again Someday Somehow I’d feel that again That endlessness That serenity That hope But if that was the only time I wish I had taken more Just a few seconds To really memorize it To really embrace it Before I ran off I hiked up a mountain side The rough rocks digging into my hands The leaves providing shade The nutty, floral scent on the wind Then there at the top The sun set below the horizon And then that feeling arose once again And I knew it wasn’t endlessness I felt that day Rather I was Complete

66

As a kid I jumped on beds, Ran across chairs, And crawled under tables. I explored jungles, Danced with princes, And fought in battles. I hid in closets And the occasional fridge. Even under cars. I jumped off monkey bars, Twirled around light poles, And chased after birds. I raced the wind, Climbed trees, And gathered candy. And now I walk through fields, Go around fences, And gather berries. I trek through puddles, Turn around in chairs, And chase down a cup of tea. I hide behind books And under covers. Often behind a desk. I explore archives, Dance in clubs, And fight for more time. I jump on trains, Walk down the street, And crawl through stores. And still today, I feel like a kid.

0

Oct 26, 2015

Oct 26, 2015 at 10:58 PM UTC

As a Kid

As a kid I jumped on beds, Ran across chairs, And crawled under tables. I explored jungles, Danced with princes, And fought in battles. I hid in closets And the occasional fridge. Even under cars. I jumped off monkey bars, Twirled around light poles, And chased after birds. I raced the wind, Climbed trees, And gathered candy. And now I walk through fields, Go around fences, And gather berries. I trek through puddles, Turn around in chairs, And chase down a cup of tea. I hide behind books And under covers. Often behind a desk. I explore archives, Dance in clubs, And fight for more time. I jump on trains, Walk down the street, And crawl through stores. And still today, I feel like a kid.

34

Laying in the darkness Stars glimmer brightly You hold me tight This cold winters evening Whispering in my ear Saying how much you love me I turn away Pretending to sleep Ashamed to face you Wishing to be somewhere else Anywhere else But it’s not because of you That I turn away I’ve dreamed once, trusted once Loved once but now I can’t No matter how I try I do try But all I see is My heart ripped in a million pieces Thrown Fluttering to the white crusted river of tears below And now Like an old photo in the sun I’m fading Fading from dreams, fading from trust Fading from love… Fading from you No it’s not because of you That I’m afraid to love It’s because of him He who I gave everything to I gave my time, my mind, my trust Shared my fears, my dreams, my thoughts… My bed No it’s because of him That love has become The thing I Fear The most

0

Aug 6, 2013

Aug 6, 2013 at 4:10 PM UTC

Afraid to Love

Laying in the darkness Stars glimmer brightly You hold me tight This cold winters evening Whispering in my ear Saying how much you love me I turn away Pretending to sleep Ashamed to face you Wishing to be somewhere else Anywhere else But it’s not because of you That I turn away I’ve dreamed once, trusted once Loved once but now I can’t No matter how I try I do try But all I see is My heart ripped in a million pieces Thrown Fluttering to the white crusted river of tears below And now Like an old photo in the sun I’m fading Fading from dreams, fading from trust Fading from love… Fading from you No it’s not because of you That I’m afraid to love It’s because of him He who I gave everything to I gave my time, my mind, my trust Shared my fears, my dreams, my thoughts… My bed No it’s because of him That love has become The thing I Fear The most

39

I’m fine, thanks… Is that what you truly mean? Or do you mean I’m tired… I’m lonely… I’m hurt… Confused. Bewildered. Angered. Disillusioned… Skeptical… Or maybe I’m distressed… I’m woeful… I’m pathetic… Lost. Vulnerable. Infuriated… Empty. Lifeless. Crushed. Tortured. Dejected. Offended. Afflicted. Desolate. Desperate. Rejected. Heartbroken… Tormented… I’m scared… I’m disgruntled… Embarrassed… Weak. Dreadful. Hungry. Aggravated. Guilty… Shameful… Frustrated… Jealous… Horrified… Overwhelmed… Devastated… Defeated… Is fine ever what you truly mean? Or is it a cover?

0

Aug 6, 2013

Aug 6, 2013 at 3:57 PM UTC

How Are You?

I’m fine, thanks… Is that what you truly mean? Or do you mean I’m tired… I’m lonely… I’m hurt… Confused. Bewildered. Angered. Disillusioned… Skeptical… Or maybe I’m distressed… I’m woeful… I’m pathetic… Lost. Vulnerable. Infuriated… Empty. Lifeless. Crushed. Tortured. Dejected. Offended. Afflicted. Desolate. Desperate. Rejected. Heartbroken… Tormented… I’m scared… I’m disgruntled… Embarrassed… Weak. Dreadful. Hungry. Aggravated. Guilty… Shameful… Frustrated… Jealous… Horrified… Overwhelmed… Devastated… Defeated… Is fine ever what you truly mean? Or is it a cover?

28

experiences memorializing now what is from the past

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Jun 5, 2013

Jun 5, 2013 at 4:22 PM UTC

Memory

experiences memorializing now what is from the past

3