i look back at the girl i was
when it happened and
darling, you were so young
you didn’t deserve to be treated that way
or to have to grow up that fast
i wish i could’ve protected you and
told you that you were safe
and that you didn’t have to
destroy yourself
because you didn’t want to be in
the same body he touched
you thought you carried
your faults on your skin
so you tore it open
i was a body hollowed out
a skeleton with shattered bones
he ripped off my wings
and emptied me of all light
now all you’ll find
is black paint in careless streaks
across my weary heart
tired of beating
a ***** rotting thing
held a lighter to a match
not as smart as you might think
so i burned
and returned
to ash again
i remember this in little flashes
noises, smells, words
hit my brainstorm like lightning bolts
and take me right back to
a frightened little girl
blurred visuals projected
like a picture show i didn’t want to see
and i freeze
catatonia
my senses swarmed in radio static
and nothing around me is real anymore
not that the broken memories
of buried innocence in an unmarked grave
felt any more concrete
i can hear my panicked
heartbeat thumping like thunder
in my chest while thoughts
run wild through my mind
reverberating around my brain
until they whirred enough
to release cacophonous screams
is it too much to ask to forget
these little incendiary flashes
because they burn me from the inside
and turn me back to ashes
but memories don’t work like that
they don’t dissipate or shrink
no matter how hard you try
secrets turn to cement in my lungs
and i’m drowning in them
suffocating, coughing, wheezing
every time i try to speak
i choke because it’s not over
unless he says it is
to be polite
i keep this twisted sickness inside of me
but i long to cut myself open
and rip the tangled mess
of trauma from my chest
throw it down where everyone can see
because i’m so tired
of keeping this in for so long
i’ve only ripped myself open
to know it was real
because i’m just a terrified child
but the world doesn’t stop
the natural progression of
a child with secrets
to an adult with depression
no one cares
when they see someone like me
hunched over her own bleeding guts
splattered on the sidewalk
apologizing to pedestrians
about her own carnage
because she didn’t mean it
as a call for attention
but god, i wish they did
if only the world would stop for a moment
so i can collect these thoughts
and piece them together in way
i can explain why
i’m bleeding out in front of you
and ask for you
to reach out your hand
and rescue me
from this unrighteous ruining
and help me rise from these ashes
6/22
Jun 23, 2019
Jun 23, 2019 at 12:04 AM UTC
the screams still echo throughout my head
and they terrify me, the same way they did when i was a child
every once in a while i hear them again
and suddenly
i’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of memories
my small back
pressed up against the cold door
my little hands were covering my ears
trying to drown out your venomous words
i try and forget these broken memories
and only remember the good
but how am i supposed to do that
when the worst are most vivid?
i saw the back of your head
more than the front
but now i see your face
everywhere i look
guilt shoots pain through my chest
and i’ve never hated myself more
i forgave you, i said i forgave you
i told you i forgave you
so why can’t i shake
these flashbacks of a time
when we weren’t so picture perfect
your death has left my thoughts
a tangled mess in my head
and i can’t seem to unravel the knots
no matter how hard i try
i’ve been turned to ash
to frigid water
that instead of relief
only seems to burn
because now nothing
is how it’s supposed to be
anymore
i should’ve buried these memories
the day we buried you
because there was no point in being angry
i don’t think you knew
how much you hurt me
don’t remember the pain you caused
because it wasn’t you
you were a shell of your former self
a monster fueled by toxins
running through your veins
forgiving you
has been the hardest thing i’ve had to do
but easier
than carrying the weight of a grudge
on my shoulders
i wish i had realized when you were alive
you never apologized for
everything you put me through
i thought it was because you didn’t notice
no one pays attention to the things they don’t care about
and i was positive
you didn’t care about me
forgiving you
was the hardest thing i had to do
but forgiving myself
will be much harder
6/22/2019
Jun 22, 2019
Jun 22, 2019 at 10:03 PM UTC
newsflash: your words hurts worse than the glass shards of the ***** bottle i broke trying to forget them
3/31/2019
Jun 22, 2019
Jun 22, 2019 at 9:35 PM UTC
wished upon a shooting star
for any deity
to bring you back to me
turns out
my upstairs neighbor smokes cigarettes
and flicks the butts off the balcony
2/21/2019
Jun 22, 2019
Jun 22, 2019 at 9:28 PM UTC
it started off innocent enough
i heard the jokes
stage whispered into eager ears
and the muffled laughter
that inevitably follows
i felt every syllable
claw their way down my throat
i’ve been trying to reach them ever since
i admit this to you
in a body that buries bones
the dull corners not enough
to trigger your concern
no one looks at me and sees empty
seventh grade, twelve years old
i began skipping lunch
because i didn’t need it anyway
4 years later and
i guess i still don’t
this was my first venture
into restriction fueled by insecurity
because with a body like this
no one could ever love me
it’s so easy to say
i already ate
if i word it just right
no one asks questions when i disguise
my madness as magic
step right up! come and see
this body, the greatest freak show on earth
and i’ve mastered every trick in the book
so easy it is now
to conceal the dark magic
while i showcase the light
watch!
i’ll swallow blades and fire
and nothing else
i’ll regurgitate miles of handkerchiefs
in front of your very eyes
so you don’t notice what comes up after
the slight of hand
was the hardest to master
but now i perform it with ease
i can make this food disappear
before you even notice it was there
palm it in my hand
hide it in my napkin
bury it in the trash
where you'll never see it again
aren't you mystified by the unknown?
nothing can beat my greatest trick of all
a necromantic resurrection
of a dead thing
a zombie now walks
among the living
the parasite finally killed the body
it possessed
it latched onto my brain
thrived on my detriment
took and took and took
until there was nothing left of me
i was consumed by something
that was consuming me
this thing
that i've grasped onto for control
has grasped onto me
i've been reduced to nothing more
than my efforts to reduce myself
the parasite becomes the host
i heard the comments
and took them as compliments
gasoline poured onto an open flame
that i can't seem to put out
i thought this fire would extinguish
as the comments morphed to concerns
but that only made it burn brighter
and i'm not sure
how much longer
i can take this heat
shattered porcelain is still beautiful right?
piece me back together
but i'll never be the same
spiderweb fractures across
fragile skin may never fade
but maybe weeds
can still sprout through
i can paint daisy chains across my scars
and roses in the hollows of my collarbones
wildflowers grow
from the inside out
through the cracks in my flesh
and in the valleys between each rib
slow and steady
up my throat until i choke
but that's okay because
at least it wasn't food
i'll swallow bouquets
to keep my starvation in full bloom
the rumble in my stomach
became my favorite song
a national anthem
for a living hell
that brings life to these monsters
if you are what you eat
maybe i can be nothing
i dance around the word "anorexia"
like it's cursed
because i can't seem to admit
that this disease
has devoured my mind
and made every one of my thoughts its own
so i dress my words
in pretty metaphors
and tie beautiful syllables
around my sickness like a bow
but there's nothing beautiful about
hair that falls out when it's touched
and a body racked with chills
in a warm room
there's nothing beautiful about
losing everything
that matters most to you
friends, family
even the ability to have children
there's nothing beautiful
about ***** on your hair
and on your clothes
blood dripping from your nose
or that ache that lies
deep in your brittle bones
this disease is not beautiful
broken isn't beautiful
but darling
you are
4/22/2019
Apr 29, 2019
Apr 29, 2019 at 12:04 PM UTC
everyone has scars
they don’t want others to see
including me
mine just so happen to be
written on my body
this body
holds more darkness
than the galaxies have ever seen
these hands can’t hold a thing
but scars underneath
from swimming in oceans
alone, trying to breathe
now i find myself
in deep waters again
the ever tightening gyre
pulling me back
into its cold embrace
but i find comfort in the same
gray hues of mental illness
i’ve lived in for years
its broken here
but it’s home
with cracks in the foundation
and holes punched in the walls
why have i let this become my home?
it’s become lonely here
but don’t get me wrong
i wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else
to have so much pain within
or to hate themselves enough
they want to starve and scar
their own beautiful bodies or
their own beautiful skin
why am i feeling
so numb again
?
3/31/2019
Apr 1, 2019
Apr 1, 2019 at 10:55 AM UTC
every time the doorbell rings
my heart stops and sometimes
i think i start hearing things
small flashbacks
of broken childhood memories
and apologies falling through the cracks
but i can’t seem to forgive you
after all that you’ve put me through
because, i guess you forgot
but you hurt me too
3/30/2018
Mar 30, 2019
Mar 30, 2019 at 5:50 PM UTC
did you know
1 in 5 women
will be ***** during her lifetime
but every 1 has a name
and every name has a story
and no one story
is ever the same
mine isn’t any exception
it didn’t happen at all
like u think it did
there were no shadowy figures
reaching out rough hands
to pull me into an empty alley
as i walked the streets alone at night
8 out of 10 rapes are by someone you know
my body wasn’t a rag doll
to be thrown against a brick wall
while ****** objections flew
from my mouth like cannonballs
it was just us
in a space that was ours
a hushed no living and dying on my lips
the scary sweet nothings
whispered in my ear
must have drowned out the tides
rolling in and streaming
down my cheeks
because your hand never once left my throat
and you didn’t stop
i was nothing more than a shiny object
laid out on a dingy sheet
for you to devour
made to please
but when i rusted
i was abandoned
right where u took me
a corpse to rot
amongst the flowers
but if u squint hard
i may be pretty enough
to use again
3/28/2018
Mar 30, 2019
Mar 30, 2019 at 5:20 PM UTC
i kept my promise
and loved you more
than there were
stars in the sky
you said you loved me
all the way to the moon
but that love never
came back down
to earth
2/25/2019
Mar 30, 2019
Mar 30, 2019 at 5:17 PM UTC
you were my medicine
but now im overdosing
straight to the brain
when i take you in
doses so large people wonder
how im not dead yet
and my friends are in my ear
screaming, crying, reminding me
that all you caused was hurt
but your love was just so blinding
maybe our love was laced
because darling, im high on you
and youre high on me
our romance became chemical
**** u were my medicine
and now im overdosing
everytime you go
it leaves me jonesing
for one more hit
the sweet sensation of acidic touch
i couldnt afford to believe in
such thing as too much
euphoria
the sting, the drip, the pain
the energy i get
only lasts a fleeting moment
so i crave something harder
my need for pain
became insatiable
i dont know if im capable
of staying sober
3/26/2019
Mar 26, 2019
Mar 26, 2019 at 4:02 PM UTC