I never thought I’d get this far.
The year is 2004
I’m 6. And I thought the monsters in my closet were going to get me.
They didn’t.
Fast forward to 2008
I’m now 10. I thought the kids in my class would hurt me. They did.
But I’m still here.
2013
15 now. No one cares, I hurt myself. A boy in my class hurt himself worse. He’s gone. I’m still here.
2014
16 and can drive. I hurt myself bad. I went to the hospital. Still here.
2016
An adult now, 18. High school is done. I met him.. he hurt me. Still here I guess.
2017
19 now. He left. Thought I’d be gone but no. Still here.
2018
20 and things are okay. I’m still here but where am I? Lost but here.
2019
Going to be 21. Figuring things out. Lost. Why am I here? Why did I make it? Sometimes I wonder, should I have?
I never thought I’d get this far. So many times I thought it was the end of my story. Sometimes I wish it had ended. This doesn’t feel right. The story needs to end.
Jun 17, 2019
Jun 17, 2019 at 12:58 AM UTC
Plagued by fear
Plagued by anxiety
Plagued by everything
Who are you
You’re confusing
Hello confusing
My name is anxious
Or depressed
But my friends call me
Well
If I had friends they’d call me
Nothing
But you
You’re confusing
And you call me love
Where that nickname came from,
I’m not sure
You’re on the ground and I’m int the clouds
I’m in the future
Hundreds of miles from here
Trying to see what’s yet to come
Hoping it’ll be better
Than now
Shouldn’t now be good?
Instead it feels
Hopeless
And scary
And I’m anxious,
But I already said that.
I introduce myself a lot and I ramble
When I forget how to stop
I know it’s annoying,
I know it’s bothersome
These are my other nicknames.
I have so many if forget them all
And I forgot again.
To just
Shut up.
Jun 17, 2019
Jun 17, 2019 at 12:46 AM UTC
Life is weird
And so am I
Who are you?
And where did you come from?
You seem..
Perfect
Is this a trick?
Some joke?
I’m waiting for slip of the sheet
To reveal what’s really there
I can already see the future
The white
The aisle
Cheering
We kiss
But yet
I’m hesitant
Are you too good
To be true?
I love you
I love what I’m seeing
But is that all that’s there?
Or is there something darker?
Who are you?
Who am I?
And where are we going?
Jun 17, 2019
Jun 17, 2019 at 12:36 AM UTC
In life, we have those moments.
Those moments where,
everything seems to stop.
And the only thing that seems to matter,
is you, and anybody in that moment.
Your heart beats faster than
it ever has before
and everything is now
in slow motion.
The rain even seems to fall slower.
The wind quiets
and in the distance you can hear
a Lynyrd Skynard song
or maybe it's Bob Dylan.
But it's smooth and calming
and you feel like the moment
couldn't possibly end,
but it does.
Like all things it, it too must end sometime.
But you know what's really great?
We can always make more.
I've had a lot of moments,
with you.
They take my breath away
and remind me.
They remind me that no matter
how I'm feeling:
Angry
Excited
Glum
Happy
that I'm ALIVE
Mon Cheri
You are the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
I was once petrified
at even the thought
of uttering any sentence
close to that.
To admitting how I feel.
Especially to myself.
I was terrified of getting
broken.
But that's apart of life!
To be upset, happy, scared, confused,
Full of love.
And we as people
are not like the broken glass
in the alleys of the cities.
We are humans!
Resilient! Persevering!
Not just surviving but living!
And what do we live for,
if not love?
Mon Cheri,
you have my heart.
My everything.
Everything I have to offer
it's all yours.
You are my one.
I will make no comparisons
of princes and princesses,
or of fairytales and fables.
We are not those things.
Make believe.
We are the realist thing
I have ever had the chance
to be apart of.
We're human.
We make mistakes.
We scream.
We cry.
We get hurt
and we kiss the broken parts
of ourselves.
But, amazingly,
We also help each other.
We laugh.
We love.
We pick each other up
when we fall.
And we kiss the broken parts
of each other.
We have love between us.
It's similar to Kryptonite
for Superman.
It's the source of his strength
which makes him invincible.
but it's also his weakness.
We'll get hurt sometimes.
But together
we are still invincible.
You literally make me feel
like I'm flying.
Like I was saying about moments.
There have been moments where
you're in front of me and
tears are sliding down my face
and I feel as though my heart
is banging on my chest,
trying to escape the pain.
Where we're yelling and I'm
afraid we're going to lose each other.
Where your eyes are full of tears too.
Where I don't think we'll make it through.
But we do.
And then the relief washes over us.
And suddenly, we're clinging to each other
for dear life.
And in those moments, I'm absolutely sure
that I NEVER want to lose you.
Arms, legs, and lips are intertwined.
Hugging, kissing, laughing.
Like we never had before.
I love all of those moments.
I love the moments on a lazy Sunday.
Where we wake up, make love and just
hold each other. Just enjoying the morning.
As the light creeps through the window
dancing on our bare skin
and smiles are stretched across our faces
and our hearts are full
and we whisper to each other and laugh.
I love our adventurous moments,
where you scare me to death
and I shout your name and smack your arm.
But really,
I'm laughing on the inside.
I love the moments spent on the couch,
fighting over what to watch, or
playing video games.
I love the moments we spend in the shower,
it just feels so normal.
So comfortable.
I love the moments when we
go on dates. How you hold
my door, hold my hand,
hold me.
So many moments spent together.
Doing normal everyday things
with you is so much better
than alone.
They just become so full of love.
They become moments.
Things to appreciate.
Even sleeping next to you is better.
You keep the nightmares away.
You keep me safe.
I love you Mon Cheri,
for everything you do,
for every part of you.
From your messy hair
to your toes.
For every piece of you,
From your kind and sweet words
to your ADHD.
I love how loud, how vibrant you are.
I love how excited you get for things,
you could never annoy me.
Everything that makes you who you are,
I love it.
and I love you.
With every part of me.
Even the parts you don't particularly like,
but I know that you still love.
Oh darling,
even with all these words,
they still don't come close at all
to how much I love and care for you.
Oh, my darling.
Mon Cheri.
Apr 19, 2017
Apr 19, 2017 at 2:35 PM UTC
Even through all the pain, I'm madly and deeply in love with you. You are my one and no matter the obstacles, I'm here for you.
Apr 17, 2017
Apr 17, 2017 at 12:15 AM UTC
WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS THIS?! I can't even talk to you... my heart is breaking constantly by the ignorant words you spew at me! Do you even care? You say you do. Do you even try? You say you do. Do you think of me when I'm gone? You say you do.. you say a lot of things.. but I think I'm simply to naive to understand, that it's all lies. You don't care, do you? And why would you?.. I have no where else to go, nowhere else to say what I'm feeling so I bottle it up, but its unlike a ship in a bottle, the contents of my bottle is more similiar to that of a liquor bottle. Just as the lowly alcoholic gets his comfort from his whiskey I get mine from admitting my true feelings inside this bottle, mine too is a nasty addiction. If I say anything about how much I care for you and how much pain you're causing me, I'll appear as a "crazy woman" or whatever else fits that same description. When in all reality, I just want to love on you, and you not take me for granted.. is that too much to ask? That you don't break my heart, because you keep doing it, over and over again. It's like you're picking at a scab and scarring me over and over again with your razor blade words. Please, stop. Take a look at what you're doing, please... before I wither away.
Apr 16, 2017
Apr 16, 2017 at 11:14 PM UTC
Who are we,
When the lights go out.
When everything is dark,
And no one is there.
Who are we,
In the dead of night
Where there is no light
Just the sounds of broken dreams
And of the screams
Of the people who cry
Who are we,
When the parents are screaming
And the children are fleeing
And no one acts as a human being
Who are we,
Behind closed doors.
When the only thing is gore
And nothing else is left anymore
Who are we!?
What have we done with our humanity?
Why doesn't it fit into society?!
There's havoc and war
People so poor
No one opens their doors
No one helps.
Riots for rights!
This isn't right.
So I ask!!
Who are we?
Can't you see
We need to be
The key
To save this destroyed society?!
There's inequality
People sold as property
They are
Sexualized
Beaten
*****
And killed.
People's choices are being stolen!
And we sit by
Idly
Motionless
Doing nothing to help.
What is this?!
A game of hide and go seek with our humanity?!
Well guess who is winning?
No one.
We need to drop our pride and yell Olly Olly Oxen Free!
Who cares of winning?!
What we need is to have them back.
We've gone too long without it.
We're desensitized and that's
Our mind getting fed lies.
Either that or we need to run and chase as fast as we can to find them.
We cannot sit here.
Motionless.
Watching.
Motionless.
Inactive.
Motionless.
Where are we when the teenage girls are screaming, and getting snatched up?
Where are we when the homeless man is getting beaten in the street?
Where are we when there are hate crimes against other races or people with other ****** preferences sometimes resulting in violence and even death?
Where are we?!
Why are we hiding!?
And why,
Are we motionless?
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 7:25 PM UTC
The moment i realize you're gone, is the moment I die.
More correctly, the person I was dies.
Because who I was with you, was something entirely different than I ever was.
When you left, she was put at a stand still.
Waiting.
But as soon as she knows we're through?
She'll be gone.
Sure, I could meet someone else but they will never be the same as her.
She was something I can't describe.
She was a best friend.
She and I got very close but now,
I can't do anything to save her.
I'm watching her die in front of me,
Very painfully.
Very Slowly.
All she says is,
"Be strong. Be strong.
You can do this.
Smile through it.
I love you..
I always did..
He always did."
And I just have to look down and
Be strong.
And
Smile.
And say I love you too.
And say,
But I don't believe you.
That person will die..
And I will have to bury her.
Then I will grieve.
Then I will move on.
And when I think about her, the person I was with you,
When I think about you.
I'll be a little sad.
But then,
There will be a new me.
A me with no one.
Because this time I'll make me,
And I won't let anyone get close.
I'll travel,
I'll see the stars but from different countries.
I'll look at the horizon from the top of a mountain.
One I climbed,
By myself.
On journeys I took,
By myself.
Because I loved the person I had become.
But losing another person like her will hurt.
Very much.
Plus,
The person you are?
Is the only person,
My person wants.
I may disagree with you sometimes but,
I'd still rather have that,
Than anybody in the world.
Because right now?
It's you,
Or nothing.
I don't want,
Anyone else.
I want you.
So I'll wait.
Waiting with a girl I love,
Me,
As she slowly dies.
No amount of fundraisers
Or spread of awareness can help her.
She and I are waiting,
And waiting...
Waiting to see,
If you will bring her
The medication to save her.
The one drug she needs to save her is something,
Only you can provide.
Yourself.
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 7:03 PM UTC
I am free
Free as a bee
Free to be.
Whoever I say
Is me.
I can be by myself
I am strong.
Stronger than the gust of wind trying to knock me down.
Stronger than the comments of society that say I can't do it.
Stronger than the fear within us all try to rip out our hearts and tear through us.
Stronger than I ever needed to be,
Because I wanted to be.
I am content.
Content with my life and the way I'm living it, which is probably different than yours.
Content with my body so that when I walk by in the dress that I bought because it was on sale and cute as hell and you make comments, I smile and say it's great isn't it?
Content with the family I have, and the friends I surround myself with.
Content with the job I have, whether or not I have people who treat me like a dog because I'm a server.
I'm content with my late night Netflix binges, and my early morning runs.
I'm content with life.
I'm mentally independent.
Independent enough that I know at the end of the day I just need me.
Independent enough to know that I can be there for myself.
Independent enough that being there for others is a great joy and privilege.
Independent enough that I can go eat at a restaurant alone.
Independent enough that I can spend my own money on myself.
I don't NEED anyone.
If you're in my life, it's by choice.
I WANT you there.
So don't lose that privilege.
I've gotten rid of people who didn't appreciate me and who left me out to dry.
Don't think you're an exception.
You wanna be in my life?
Show me.
Sep 24, 2015
Sep 24, 2015 at 11:42 AM UTC
To the guy who always....
Is there.
To the guy who's always supporting me, when i think I might fall.
The guy who is kinder than words can say.
The guy who makes me feel like I am the queen of a planet.
To the guy who makes me feel like I can do anything.
To the guy with the true laugh,
The true smile.
The guy who I know would, for me, go an extra mile.
To the guy who holds me in his arms,
When the tears of depression, anxiety and other things I can't control burst forth from behind the dam I tried to build.
This is to the guy who tries so hard to make me happy,
To the guy who DOES make me happy.
That's the guy I want.
That's the guy you are.
I know I mess up.
I know you mess up.
But...
Life is messy.
I don't mind cleaning things up with you.
Just so they can get messy again.
Over
And
Over.
Because whether life is clean,
Or messy.
If I'm with you I'd love it all.
It's like weather.
We can dance in the rain and snow, play in the mud, enjoy the sunshine, and hide together from the hail.
The most important part is that even if we don't dance in the rain we can share the umbrella.
I'm not a meteorologist
I don't always know what the weather is gonna be like.
But I promise you
I'll be there in all weather patterns.
So let's look to the sky.
Make shapes out of the clouds.
Like our future, so far away.
But hey,
We're just describing what we see.
They're just clouds,
Floating in the breeze.
Distant possibilities.
For you.
And me.
Sep 24, 2015
Sep 24, 2015 at 11:25 AM UTC