leisabattaglia
44/F/Louisiana
I am a single mother and successful business woman who has always found solace in writing. It's a means to release all the emotions I have related to the things I've been through in my life. My writing is always personally connected to my life.
My sharp nails dig into the smooth skin of my forearms to remind me that I'm still here.
The way the world and all the people in it move through me and around me fills me with fear.
I open my mouth to speak but no sound comes out; and I can't even remember the sound of my voice.
It's been smothered by those around me for so long that to remain silent has become my only choice.
No one cares to hear the words trapped inside of me anyway, so why make trouble and bother to try.
It's become easier to stay within myself and be what they want while watching the world go by.
As long as I serve my purpose, I could go on like this forever without notice or care from anyone.
But something has shifted inside and I can start to feel that the fading within has finally begun.
I wasn't always this way you know; there was a time when I was a whole visible person and thriving.
But one after another they came along and took their pieces of me; leaving me shattered and barely surviving.
What's left is a faint silhouette of the girl I used to be before they came and went; but I'm fading quickly.
When there is finally nothing left of me, they won't even notice as they selfishly go on living their lives so sickly.
Not a memory, not a fleeting thought will be given to me, the girl they each used and took from so greedily.
Another poor girl who is easily used, broken apart, and disposable will come along and replace me speedily.
I feel it happening faster now; no seeing their faces, no thinking of the horrors, of their voices there is no hearing.
It's almost time to say goodbye to this cruel world and its evil inhabitants; for the time has come for my disappearing.
I thought I would be scared when this time came and that death I would certainly be fearing.
But as all the pain falls away and with it the memories too; I finally hear my voice and it is cheering.
Sep 30, 2024
Sep 30, 2024 at 1:13 PM UTC
You came into our lives, a new family member found.
But soon your plot of manipulation had my family bound.
Not all, just the most important one.
One you remind on a daily basis, you are his son.
You have lied and conned, and scammed your way into his guilt-ridden mind.
But what you now realize is that, with this daughter, resistance you will find.
Of the three, you think you are the smartest and strongest.
But I am smarter, stronger, and most important, been here longest.
For the man you wish to deceive, I would do anything.
Because in my life, he has given me everything.
He has been my protector, my guardian angel, my savior.
And a man like that doesn't deserve your criminal behavior.
So, let me make this very clear for your slow mind to understand.
If you try to break my family, what you will meet is my hand.
You're a small man with no morals to speak of.
For a strong woman like me, very easy to dispose of.
Be careful "brother", your secrets and lies run deep.
Up against someone like me, the truth you won't be able to keep.
You will be exposed for the snake you are just like the one who bore you.
That poisonous apple didn't fall far from the tree, liars both you two.
This is but a warning, but do not make the mistake to take it lightly.
Because this "sister" is ready to act, if you try to move, however slightly.
Oct 3, 2022
Oct 3, 2022 at 3:02 PM UTC
I walk through my day, mindlessly continuing my routine.
Day becomes night over and over; the months careen
down a spiral toward blackness that lies ugly and mean.
I converse and interact, yet my words and actions go unseen.
Many depend on me for plenty in their full existence
and they are never met with the least bit of resistance.
I work, I nurture, I provide, I worry, and I cry
without a single one of them asking me why.
They are mine and the responsibility I shoulder without question.
Yet, when it comes to me, I am treated with dismissal and rejection.
How can those I have devoted so much to be so uncaring and mean?
How, when my life revolves around them and theirs, do I remain unseen?
Oct 3, 2022
Oct 3, 2022 at 1:45 PM UTC
I don't want to open my weary eyes.
I can hear the sound of my own cries.
Life is like a black hole of nothing.
I'm barely holding on by a string.
I wish I could just let go and fall.
Release my grip and leave it all.
All of them would be better off without me.
No one understands how happy they would be.
Giving up should be so easy to do.
But the hardest part is giving up you.
I brought two beautiful lives into this world.
Now I feel their contempt as insults they hurl.
Money is better than a mother overbearing.
Even if all I meant to convey was caring.
I wish I could have been both mom and dad.
But in the end, unfortunately, I was all you had.
I'm sorry because I was never enough.
Maybe now you both will have a life less tough.
Nov 22, 2021
Nov 22, 2021 at 7:59 PM UTC
I remember when I started kindergarten, tiny and scared.
People were confused by this little girl, tan-skinned and curly-haired.
What is she? They all wanted to know.
Perplexed they were because my ethnicity didn't show.
Is she white? Is she brown? Is she black?
All their questions showing the knowledge they lack.
For your own selfish purposes, you can't put people in a box.
Because once they're inside you begin to secure all the locks.
It's what makes some insecure people feel secure and safe.
To put each person in what they believe is their proper place.
Each part of my heritage contributes to the strong woman I am.
You see, there is no box big enough for me in which for you to cram.
I see the world separating itself into colors; black, brown, and white.
Separation never leads to unification and it only leads to stress and strife.
If we look back, we were all prospering together not so long ago.
But now, under new rule, the future looks bleak and recovery is slow.
Lockdowns, face masks, corruption, and fake news have become the norm.
Without thought of the effects on our children whose minds are just beginning to form.
We have become a country full of internal struggle.
All due to a select few people who could use a muzzle.
Insurrection lies at every turn, except the one place they look.
As history gets erased daily; every statue, street name, or book.
America may not be perfect and its history may be full of hate.
But the ills of the past reparations and reverse discrimination will not sate.
Only when we look to the past can we correct the mistakes made.
None of us are our ancestors and we shouldn't be punished or paid.
We've come a long way since then and it must be recognized.
Our progress may not be fast enough for some but it's something to be prized.
I want our children to grow and learn from our unique history.
I don't want them to have to search for it like some big mystery.
So, to that tiny, picked-on girl I used to be.
The most important thing about you is that you are free.
It's not that you have to choose between blacks, browns, and whites.
It's that you stand up for each and every one of your constitutional rights.
As for this woman I am, many things that, unfortunately, you'll never see.
Because the world is now too focused on the color of my skin to ever really see me.
Feb 16, 2021
Feb 16, 2021 at 12:41 PM UTC
America. Known famously as the melting ***
It's suddenly become more important than ever if you're white or not.
We've spent years creating a society that tries to be color blind.
Now, no matter where you look, talks about the color of your skin are all you will find.
Everyone, besides Native Americans, is an immigrant here.
The color of anyone's skin is no longer so clear.
How do we separate all the different races?
I see many different races when I look into people's faces.
Because I am a Republican, I have been accused of White Privilege.
I choose to measure people based on their actions and knowledge.
The hilarious thing is I'm being judged and I am not all white.
Turns out, that doesn't matter as long as I belong to the party on the right.
I supported, contributed to, and voted for Trump.
That makes me worse in the eyes of the left than a ***** with a ****
I'm a minority in more ways than one.
But the amount of ***** that they give is none.
I have a job, no welfare or Medicaid here.
But, for people coming into this country illegally, their fate is clear.
A free ride, where Americans like me, are left to take it in the rear.
Tax increases, unaffordable healthcare, no more free speech due to fear.
Everything you say that doesn't align with their agenda will be erased.
Just like they'll cancel you if their values and ideas are not embraced.
I am a woman and my heritage draws from many different places.
French, Honduran, Puerto Rican, English, German, and Italian; just to name a few.
We are all a mixture of many different backgrounds and races, even you.
Yet, I'm accused of White Privilege, based on politics alone.
So what if I work hard, pay my own bills, and own my home.
I believe All Lives Matter, not just the black ones.
Because no one is all black or all white, not our daughters or sons.
We'll never be united and strong until we realize this obvious fact.
America has been weakened in the eyes of the world based on the "victim act".
Slavey is a thing of the past and we should leave it where it lies.
Any society that tries to erase or forget its history eventually dies.
Republican or Democrat, we're all Americans here.
So, I won't be silenced out of fear.
A member of the working middle class.
I'll say what I want, keep my gun, and the left can kiss my ***
Feb 16, 2021
Feb 16, 2021 at 1:47 AM UTC
Have you been canceled?
Just wait, it'll happen.
It's coming for you too!
Watch what you say.
Watch what you post.
Watch everything you do.
Because, whether you realize it or not,...
They're watching you!!!!
Feb 16, 2021
Feb 16, 2021 at 12:52 AM UTC
Before you go, there are some things I wanted you to know.
First, we all love you and will miss you, but not as much as one.
That one is the one who has, since you were born, called you son.
He will mourn your leaving in a way you won't understand.
That is until the day you have to say goodbye and shake your own son's hand.
I know you'll be worrying about him and missing him too.
But trust me it will be a fraction of how much he'll be worrying about and missing you.
But, I promise to look after him and take care of him in every way I possibly can.
So, you don't have to worry so much; just go off and become your own man.
I know how much you love your dad, trust me so does he.
But I need you to know that he's going to be alright, just please trust in me.
Second, he's not the only one who will miss you when you go.
I will miss your face around here and worry about you more than you know.
I would do anything in my power to make sure that you are happy.
And I promise to be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen whether things are good or ******
Charlie will also miss you dearly because you have been a great big brother to him.
And for that, you've earned a special place in his heart that won't go away on a whim.
I know Anthony isn't very emotional and doesn't show it but he will miss you too.
He's had a rough life, I know you wouldn't know it to look at him now, but it's true.
It's hard to break his outer shell and get close to him, that's how I know there's something special about you.
Because even though he's hard to get close to, he considers you a brother too.
Third, I hope you know that you will always have a safe place to land.
When life gets tough or you lose your way and just need someone to hold your hand.
We are all so proud of the man that you are becoming and the future that lays ahead for you.
We stand behind each choice you make, no matter what it is in life you decide to do.
We will be there for every big moment that comes in your life.
Whether it's having your first child or taking a wife.
Because when I married your dad we made each other certain promises that we intend to keep.
If something happens to one of us; the other will look after all you boys, the whole heap.
I think you're an amazing young man and in the time we've had together I feel we've formed a bond and I am proud to call you one of my boys.
So, you're stuck with me for the long haul; that includes Charlie and Anthony too, and even my mother with all her noise.
Last, but most important of all, you can do this and we believe in you.
When you start to doubt yourself, just remember that there is no limit to what you can do.
You will get homesick, but remember that we are at home sick missing you.
So, just put your head down, don't give up on yourself and push your way through.
Always do your best and there is nothing you can do that could ever change the way we feel about you.
We couldn't be prouder of the way you've taken control of your life and the bravery and heart you've shown in all you do.
The career you desire and deserve is there for the taking.
Your life is all laid out ahead of you; yours for the making.
See, I've told you before that you are one of mine now and that means a lot.
It means that no matter where you go, I am always here for you to love you, whether I'm your real mom or not.
I'm sorry I had to get all sappy, but these are just some things I wanted you to know.
Before you go.
Jan 10, 2021
Jan 10, 2021 at 11:56 PM UTC
She wields her power over those she claims to love most.
Her words are like daggers meant to turn you into a ghost.
The only thing that matters to her is being the center of attention.
She will complain and cry if, in every conversation, she doesn't get a mention.
Her desire is to be respected and worshiped even if it's not earned.
The power of her guilt and wrath quickly she learned.
She is quick to remind her children of her hard work and sacrifices.
All the while complaining of her husband's insensitivity and vices.
She demands all to shower her with phone calls and invitations for every meal she eats.
While behind their backs, she is talking poorly of them to everyone she meets.
She never owns her actions and lies to protect her manipulative games.
While she gossips and admonishes worst those with her own name.
She is old and bored but that's not an excuse for her controlling hands.
Creating drama wherever she goes is not the way to get people to meet her demands.
But for some strange reason, this power they allow her to use against them all.
If her bidding is not done, they are left to feel guilt-ridden and small.
Look at all she's done for them and all she's had to give up.
It's her turn now to reap some benefits, so pass her the cup.
She doesn't know they are just biding their time until the day she leaves this earth.
Because only then will they be free of anxiety and stress and maybe regain some self-worth.
To make her happy is an impossibility, that they are beginning to realize.
The only thing she wishes for them is guilt and what she says of one to the other is all lies.
Still they try to make her happy and when she cries her fake tears, they try even harder.
Please get her a cross, a hammer, and some nails for she has claimed her place as The Martyr!
Aug 27, 2020
Aug 27, 2020 at 10:24 PM UTC
I was young, beautiful, smart, and my life was just beginning.
You were older, more conniving and from the start, it was all about winning.
I was just another shiny trophy and you pursued me with such haste.
You stole my life with your lies; my God, what a sorrowful waste.
Your life, so different from mine, filled with money, power, and corruption.
Your courtship of me, so swift, cunning, and well-planned, was almost an abduction.
That in the beginning I was treated like a princess, of that there is no doubt.
Who knew a plumber could make more than a doctor and have just as much clout.
Your true self you could not hide for long, and I soon realized all was staged.
And, just like a princess captured by a monster, I was soon locked away and caged.
I was lied to and misled, I wanted nothing more than to escape but I couldn't get out of your lair.
You see, I had made one tiny mistake before you were unmasked, I had given you an heir.
So, I stuck it out, like a lot of women do, in hopes things would get better.
But they only got worse, every day a nightmare, and daily my tears grew wetter.
You perversely watched everything I did all day with cameras all around me.
I soon realized I had lost myself, I was just a decoration for you, there never was a "we".
You restricted everything I did, everywhere I went, every penny I spent, all to keep me close.
And when I dared to question you, you would rip me to shreds with hateful, soul-stealing prose.
And just when I thought things couldn't get worse, that's when I was introduced to your inner monster.
Your sick perversions, the wigs and costumes I was forced to wear, the acts I was forced to perform, I lost myself and you won her.
Thinning limbs and hair, new pale complexion, my body wasting away with my soul.
I knew I had to run away, but your threats of how no one would ever find my body in the river kept me in my hole.
I would have done the job for you, taken my own life to end the pain, but one tiny innocent face stopped me and kept me in my place.
You knew this, of course, so you kept up your torture, its intensity ever escalating so much that I couldn't keep up with its pace.
Then one day, a breaking point came after a night whose incomprehensibly horrific events are unparalleled.
At dawn, as you cut up checkbook and credit cards, your words rang in my ears "Get used to it, this is your life now!", I was suddenly self-compelled,
I had been praying for someone to notice and acknowledge the lie beneath the perfect outward facade, because I was too afraid to tell.
But when my mother came over that day somehow I found my voice, and once the truth spilled out of me, I let out a long anguished yell.
That yell was filled with everything I had been holding inside for so long: pain, embarrassment, terror, and utter humiliation.
For I was so broken down by you, I was just a shell, a product of your abusive, controlling, mind and soul annihilation.
Then the race began to free me from the gilded cage you kept me in like a once free and beautiful animal broken of its spirit.
Family members gathering, placing phone calls, packing bags, making plans; my fear of being caught too overwhelming to hear it.
And caught we were; when you came home on an instinct that I may try to run, that you had finally pushed too far.
I cowered hiding inside with my beautiful perfect boy as my mother screamed and cursed at you, but never stopped loading the car.
An image of myself and my father sitting in your living room as he yelled with the greatest of anger, "Look at my daughter, you have broken her!".
You began to argue, but against a man, not a small woman, you soon gave in with my father saying, "I am taking my daughter and grandson. Let them go or I could **** you if you prefer!".
That day I remember being in the back seat with my son as we drove away from my personal hell, and I was shaking so hard it shook the seat in front of me.
My father pretended not to notice and instead spoke of how he wished he had known sooner and how different things would be.
My fear was still all I could feel and I just knew deep inside that you would never let me go.
No matter what I did or where I went, you had private investigators let you know.
It took years of therapy, anxiety and depression, PTSD, countless court battles, and money spent on lawyers to make myself whole again.
But I finally won the one thing I wanted most, my son, and after that, I felt free of you and like my life could at last begin.
You've threatened me with slander and defamation if I ever told my story; you've called me a liar too.
You have only admitted to all your evils once, in the one marriage counseling session that the courts forced me to do.
After the therapist listened, horrified by what he was hearing, he finally called what you had done to me, ****
You screamed and protested, but when he asked what you would call it you had no answer and it was your turn to escape.
I thanked the therapist, a stranger to me, for finally acknowledging, confirming, and giving validation to all that I had lived through.
As I walked to my car, I realized I was no longer looking over my shoulder and my mind wasn't filled with fear; I was no longer afraid of you.
Jun 18, 2020
Jun 18, 2020 at 10:28 AM UTC