Lately I have felt convicted,
about all, which I don’t have to worry.
About all that has others afflicted,
out of work, hungry, and thirsty.
Lately I have felt burdened,
for those that suffer with sickness.
For those whose conditions have worsened,
at their end, only masked faces bear witness.
Lately I have felt culpable,
that I am deemed essential.
That my work is somehow untouchable,
while others’, made to seem incidental.
Lately I have felt completely content,
that I get the opportunity each day,
to relish every single moment,
never again, wish a minute away.
You see, I have come to realize
reasons for why I came to be;
To love others, acknowledge, and empathize,
all of which for others, feels unseen.
But I have also learned something crucial,
a truth I could never before believe.
I need no one else’s approval.
I need not always to achieve.
I am beginning to believe I am worthy.
I am starting to believe I am enough.
Where was I going in such a hurry?
On myself, why was I so rough?
There is nothing stronger than gentleness,
and nothing so gentle as true strength.
To be vulnerable is not a weakness,
to care, converse with others at length.
There is nothing more precious than time,
it is neither here nor there.
We can live either by default or design.
We can choose to take or abundantly share.
For me, I will chose the latter,
no matter how much or how little I possess.
For me, now loving myself matters,
loving others, the ultimate success.
Apr 14, 2020
Apr 14, 2020 at 1:31 AM UTC
It’s true what they say
The person that cares least, wields the most power
Jan 22, 2018
Jan 22, 2018 at 1:10 AM UTC
I’m in a perpetual state of punishment for a crime I had no knowledge of committing.
Your indifference is colder than any passionate exchange of anger. At least emotion, even negative, means you care.
Each encounter between us leaves one less piece of me, stealing what I thought was given willingly.
My heart no longer aches, just my eyes. Each disdain-filled word piercing through my corneas as if a car flashed its’ brights just around the corner of a hairpin turn.
Each time, more blinding than the last. Each time, I lose control of the wheel. The car spins out of control and I crash. Hard.
You just keep driving, unphased in the slightest. Par for the course. You’ve seen worse than the havoc I’m left in.
Is it comforting to you? How many crime scenes have you walked away from scot-free?
I finally understand. The blame falls to me. Even though this handiwork has your distinct signature; boy who gives zero ***** for anyone but himself.
Jan 22, 2018
Jan 22, 2018 at 12:51 AM UTC
I dial your number
My body responds - shunting all blood from extremities to my vital organs
Prepared for the threat that could occur at any moment
My toes run cold with every unanswered ring
Voicemail.
My fingers have gone numb
My heart doesn’t understand what to make of this
You pull me in close and push me away like a yo-yo you were never done playing with
Down
and
Up and
Down
Does the string never end?
I’m so far down now, the yo-yo must be in on the joke
Conditioned to a cycle of deep anxiety
Till every firework feels like it may be a bomb
Something meant for joy
Instead, an imminent threat
You of all people should understand why
I coward at the sign of a spark
You are a vet after all
I let the fireworks hit me, knowing full well it will hurt
And it does hurt. And you aren’t sorry.
I guess I’d hoped for better than cold hands and an empty heart.
Jan 16, 2018
Jan 16, 2018 at 1:51 AM UTC
Haunted by rejection
Caged by your selfishness
Your forceful restraint of love
Knocking the air from my lungs
Without having to throw a single punch
Surrounded by star-kissed love
Reminding me of that which you refuse
That which I have refused myself
Why did I settle for this emptiness?
My heartbeat for you lessened
Each unanswered text, every forgotten call
No time made up for those tears
The loneliness that came, nothingness
Your crass words
Lightning to my gut
Crevasse-like holes you created in me
Never quite filled by drunken nights
Those words, assuming and pompous
As if you knew my heartache
Arrogant and pretentious
Downplaying the sound of my heart
Pretending you know me
Like you ever tried to know me
I was daring, courageous
Not circumventing vulnerability
Unrelentingly, unashamedly
Convinced
How worth it we are
How worth it I am
How dare you say
"Make love to me"
As if I haven't been trying this whole time
Every second I was with you
Yearning for that love in return
Your quiet rejection inflamed my heart
Creating in me a fire
Anger masked as butterflies
I thought "if only"
If only I try harder
Then
Then you will see
How beautiful it could be
Could have been
Aug 19, 2017
Aug 19, 2017 at 2:24 AM UTC
Tonight I talked with God
It had been quite some time
I really wasn't sure why
Then I realized the talks ended
When I began imagining my own end
Because why acknowledge the creator
If I thought his work was ****
I refused to commit
I refused to talk to a God
That might hear my prayer
Something shallow
While souls are extinguished
Wars are waged on innocents
And their prayers sure as hell
Weren't heard
But Tonight I talked with God
I'd given up on waiting
On place-holder euphemisms
"God isn't surprised"
"This happened for a reason"
"You just need to pray more"
"God shuts a door...
"He'll open a window"
**** your window
The only reason that window exists
Is so people like me can jump
Right out of your life
Tonight I talked with God
I yelled
I screamed
I cried
And asked for reasons why
I said it was okay to be alone
If he would just get off his throne
Every once in a while
And meet me in this ******* pile
Of suffering that I find myself in
Dec 23, 2016
Dec 23, 2016 at 5:34 AM UTC
What we did
Meant something
To me, not you
I get that
Now it's all
Said and done
All you care about?
Your ******* reputation
Can't have it get out
What you did to me
Nope
Can't have that
Even though you did it
Just as I did
No denying that
My bruises are proof
Have you no shame?
I guess you do
But it's directed at me
Not at you
Now it's all
Said and done
All you worry about?
Your ******* reputation
Dec 23, 2016
Dec 23, 2016 at 4:37 AM UTC
I'm convinced
Heaven and Hell don't exist
Not like I thought they did
I've experienced Heaven
An innocent first kiss
Holding a new life
An unrelenting friend
I've experienced Hell
A malignant lie
A body broken
Unbearable pain
Heaven and Hell are not places
we go
We experience them everyday
Dec 21, 2016
Dec 21, 2016 at 9:55 PM UTC
I sift through grief
True affection denied
You have no sleeve
For your heart to reside
Ambitions pretentious
Your lies paper-thin
I know what's precious
Who you trying to win
The time you crave
Does not include me
Others' influence enslaved
And I, unworthy
Dec 19, 2016
Dec 19, 2016 at 4:44 AM UTC
Where do I begin
What is there to say
To convey
The emptiness
Dec 19, 2016
Dec 19, 2016 at 4:37 AM UTC