there was girl made of flowers and twine
they said she was the light
but all she saw was the darkness in the night
hands cupped like spring blooms
she held desire like burning fire
Jun 14, 2018
Jun 14, 2018 at 2:07 AM UTC
I am the fourteen year old girl held on the bed
I am the girl screaming in my sleep
I am the girl, crying, alone
I am the girl who watched others get hurt.
I am the girl who sent a ****** to prison.
I am my anxiety,
Welling like an oncoming flood in my stomach and
Hammering in my throat
I am my depression,
Back and forth, up and down, like a heart rate monitor
I am my trauma
Held deep in my body,
My muscles corded around the pain I can’t get rid of.
I am the girl who defied it all
I am the girl who made a difference
I am the girl who stood up!
And I am here,
I am the girl who is stronger than I ever imagined.
Sep 27, 2017
Sep 27, 2017 at 1:11 AM UTC
I spent near a quarter of my life thus far doing stupid **** for stupid reasons.
I had *** with boys because I could. It didn't change anything; I was still depressed, lonely, and bitter.
I smoked joints because I wanted to. I drank alcohol because there was nothing better to do. I smoke cigarettes because I was too young.
I spent useless years of my life obsessing over what other people thought of me. I spent meaningless time thinking I was in love with boys who didn't love me. I would have done anything for people who would have done nothing for me. I found myself and I lost myself.
I spent useless, meaningless, empty time thinking everything was fine, only to find myself here and now wondering what the **** I was doing.
So here I am. I will no longer waste my time, because I see that there is value in it.
Today my time is valued and important; do not waste my time.
Mar 23, 2017
Mar 23, 2017 at 2:57 AM UTC
In some ways I know who I am today is the greatest person I could ever be.
In other ways, I know I could have done so many other great things.
I am successful, smart, strong. But did I follow the right path?
Had I pursued other dreams and opportunities, would I be a different person?
But why do I bother questioning my past? Who I am now is what matters!
...And yet...
Did I make the right decisions?
Mar 15, 2017
Mar 15, 2017 at 12:42 AM UTC
First, let me thank you
Even when you weren't the one for me,
You were always by my side
When he wasn't
Even when I couldn't make up my mind,
You didn't waver
Second, let me apologize
I have hurt you
In a way I cannot forgive myself for
But I promise, I want to make it up to you
I have made up my mind,
I know what I want,
I want you!
I have made up my mind,
But now you are so far away
I have made up my mind,
And you left my side
I am so sorry
Come back to me
Feb 18, 2016
Feb 18, 2016 at 2:07 PM UTC
It has been many days since I felt the need to cry myself to sleep
It has been many days since I felt the need to cut
It has been many days since I felt the need to scream
It has been many days since I felt the need to go to sleep
And
Never
Wake
Up
But here you are
And the only day I can think of is the same for the last month
The same, never ending, day
And I'm back to my old ways
Here you are
And
There I go
Oct 28, 2015
Oct 28, 2015 at 10:19 AM UTC
It has been a long day.
I have laid in bed.
I have showered.
I have looked at this computer screen.
I have cried
I have cried
I have cried...
It has been a long day.
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 7:14 PM UTC
"You're so ungrateful."
"You don't appreciate me waking you up."
You didn't have to.
"You don't appreciate me making you lunch."
I can do it instead.
"You don't appreciate me driving you around. I should've made you walk."
I just don't want to be an hour early. I'm just tired.
"You don't even say thank you."
There are so many things I wish I were allowed to say.
I get out of the car.
"You're welcome!"
You drive off. Fast.
All I did was forget my medication.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 9:47 AM UTC
She prowled into my territory
looking for my hidden things.
She was quiet like a panther
thinking I could not see.
I knew my things had been touched
I could feel her energy in my space.
Little did she know
I was a fox
just looking for my bait.
Apr 6, 2015
Apr 6, 2015 at 11:10 AM UTC
The day is Monday, March 16th, 2015.
We are in the Idaho State Correctional Institution.
Today, the Idaho Commissioners of Pardons and Parole will decide if my ****** will be released on parole in September.
Many people come in, exchanging their I.D for their visitors' pass.
We all wait in a small L-shaped room, tense, waiting.
His family comes in, and the guard escorts them to another room.
Finally, a parole officer enters. She leads us through a metal detector.
We have to wait in the visiting room, while my ****** is brought into the hearing room.
His family goes in first, then us, along with my supporters.
The deputy calls us to order and explains what will happen.
He says his family may speak, if they have a statement.
She stands up.
"Your relation?"
"Mother."
"Go ahead."
He has managed to get his GED.
He has had his own struggles with other inmates.
He is a "good Christian boy."
He has served his time for his "non-violent crime."
I cry.
The deputy looks doubtful.
He tells the commissioners to begin.
Commissioner Bowstaff is first.
She asks him the nature of his crime, his five DORS, his lost job while inside.
She asks if he is aware of the recommendation they received.
He says yes.
She phrases her next thought carefully:
"Are you aware the interviewer described you as aloof, uncaring, and says you describe yourself as the victim?"
He seems befuddled.
Next is Commissioner Matthew.
He is a sharp looking man, and asks if he feels like his crime is "violent."
He responds.
"No."
"And yet you call yourself Christian?"
"I am Christian."
"God should be ashamed then."
His parents are shaking their heads.
Commissioner Moore.
"You minimize everything. You aren't taking responsibilities for your actions. If you can't follow the rules in here, how do we know you'll follow them out there?"
"I don't know."
Commissioner Bowstaff asks if, as the victim, I have anything to say.
I tell her yes, and she asks me to stand and state my name.
"Lauren Busdon."
"You have a minute to speak."
I tell them I am terrified to see him.
I will start my senior year in August.
His release will continue to effect my school career.
I have only just managed to speak the word **** in the last two months.
There are other girls, so many others, who are afraid to say anything.
But they say it to me.
They dismiss us to make their decision.
I sob as we walk out of the room.
Everyone is proud of me, saying no matter what, I did my best. I was there, that's what matters now.
But what if it wasn't enough?
The deputy comes in to shake my hand.
"The commissioners have come to an agreement. Parole will be denied for 18 months, and we will meet again in September of 2016."
I laugh and my dad slams his fist on the table. My mom dissolves into tears.
"You are welcome to hear the announcement."
I say, "hell yeah I want to hear it!"
He hangs his head when they tell him.
His mother makes a strangled noise of upset.
We leave.
People are hugging me.
I am crying.
I don't know if I should be proud, or if I should just revel in the sheer joy of not having to see him for 18 months.
18 more months of freedom.
18 more months of trying to live.
Mar 18, 2015
Mar 18, 2015 at 1:19 PM UTC