lane33
Hi, I write stuff and put it on the internet. Primarily this website sees the worst in me...all the insecurities, doubts, anger, etc. Normally I'm a fairly average guy. But if you're willing to sit there and read my crap, all the power to you. As for number of followers, views, or likes, just know I have zero interest in that. My only hope is that one of these writings touches someone in such a way that they themselves feel like they aren't alone. Knowing what that's like, I wouldn't wish it upon anybody. If any of y'all need anything feel free to shoot me a message or something. Peace.
Often people hear the name Michael
and are drawn to the depictions of the archangel.
Vanquisher of Satan.
Hero.
My Michael is more in line of a fallen angel
lost of grace and devoid of that serene light
drowning and suffocating in his
darkness.
My father
Who art not in heaven
has abandoned long ago any family ties and remains
untethered.
9 years and some change
since I have had any contact
other family claim similar stories yet
question.
Every gathering of these people
whom I do not know
constantly compare me to his
shadow.
Imagine getting compared to the myth
of a person or being
that you have barely met and fail to
understand.
Sep 30, 2018
Sep 30, 2018 at 12:32 AM UTC
So, today, I woke up and decided it would be my last day alive.
I went to work, did my job (I teach math) and I went home.
Afterward, I stopped by the local shop, purchased rope and decided to hang myself in my garage.
It was a pain in the *** to set up. YouTube searching videos on how to tie a hangman's knot, and set up a system.
Well, here's the thing. I'm a big dude (6'6", 250 pounds) so I had to put the rope up high and have a huge counterweight (a couch).
As I stepped onto my table to get all the way up into the noose, the table broke.
Okay, time to get creative. Propped up four or so chairs.
Get in the noose, lock it in.
knock the chairs away.
wouldn't you believe it, I'm too tall, I could barely breathe, but my feet landed on the ground.
Now I have a broken table, rope hanging in my garage, and rope burn on my neck.
May 11, 2018
May 11, 2018 at 10:24 PM UTC
All I want from you
More than anything at all
is your happiness.
In a perfect world
You would choose my happiness too
But I am afraid.
That fear holds me down
Sears scars deep into my flesh
Burns my entire self.
Numbness brings solace
A familiar comfort
Constant escaped hearts.
Emotionally
Closed off from all stimuli
Until recently.
That opening like
A storm of swirling rawness
Complete destruction.
So choose. Choose me. Please.
Make being vulnurable
Worthwhile. I love you.
May 6, 2018
May 6, 2018 at 3:21 PM UTC
I am 6'5", 250 pounds with a shaved head and a goatee.
Believe me, Im an intimidating man.
If i furrow my brow i even bare a striking resemblance to my old man.
Stern. Angry. Mean. Cold. Calculated.
So how can my gruff exterior be so
Nonchalauntly punctured by her and her five feet of fury?
If i am forced to look like Mike, why cant i also inherit his ability to severe all ties?
Ive tried so hard to be careful
Keep people at my long arm's length
But there are some cloak and dagger blows
Even a mighty shield cannot protect someone from
Feb 5, 2017
Feb 5, 2017 at 4:14 AM UTC
I went for a run at 3 am to clear my head
Or maybe just to outrun my pain
Even if that metaphor is as tired as my legs
I meant to come back
But the farther i got
The more i realized i didnt want to return
And be constantly reminded of the agony
Disappointment
Frustration
The farther i got
The more distant i became
The safer
The very real sadness
Could be chocked up to more imaginary
Concerns
When i went to turn back
Its as if my brain screamed go
Yet everything else remained perfectly
Still
So here i wait in the blistering cold
Because even subzero weather seems
Warmer
Than what permeates inside
Feb 5, 2017
Feb 5, 2017 at 4:07 AM UTC
While countless lean their problems on the cane,
he can never complain
for this is his purpose.
To help those in need.
The reliability has become a trademark
within an epidemic of self reflection and focus
having this built in reliability to lean on when things get tough
becomes paramount.
Problems fade away,
de facto the cane's issues
for the tool has bailed the same person out
time and time again.
While no one would notice relying on the stick
repeatedly,
its the accumulation of everyone else
also taking advantage.
For it is not the cane's place
to lean somewhere else
it must stand strong as a guiding force
sacrificing for everyone around.
Until the once solid oak
has been withered thin, chipped,
eventually snaps.
Only to be replaced.
Jul 3, 2016
Jul 3, 2016 at 1:20 AM UTC
As time goes on
humans adapt in many different ways
as all living things do.
We grow intellectually, emotionally, spiritually
but more often than not
fears, doubts, insecurities, envies run rampant in our expanding minds.
Toxicity, too, develops
rippling out, engulfing anyone near in a flame of hate
charring them beyond recognition.
Adapting, hand in hand with survival, dictates we raise walls
barriers to protect ourselves
if only to withstand even more punishment, then repeat the cycle.
But the thirst for animosity
has to be quenched, leading to rampant searches for more and more
ways to hurt each other.
A propensity for cruelness overrides any potential
at reformation, reconciliation
or any sort of repairing all the tethers that have eroded away with vigor.
Jun 2, 2016
Jun 2, 2016 at 10:48 PM UTC
Random, wild, brightly colored birds
flutter in
Joyous, fun, expressive, exciting
Free.
The hectic, crazy little spirits
So full of life, chaotically entering the mix.
However
One thing always remains constant
Among this breeze of random sponteneity.
No matter how many vibrant essences mix
They eventually all leave.
The old, withering, dull tree remains
Firmly rooted in pain
Rotting from the inside.
Alone.
May 7, 2016
May 7, 2016 at 10:31 PM UTC
In some ways,
You were always someone I looked up to.
I may have been older,
But the respect I had
For your innate abilities and skills
Was unmatched.
Unparalleled.
Without equal.
We often
Interchangeably
Took the lead
Its what made our friendship special.
But now you've gone on ahead
To a place where I cannot follow.
Hiding my feelings from those closest
Its just easier than seeing the pain
Rush over their face.
For they didn't know you
So they can remain sheltered
From the eternal agony left within
That almost seems to consume
More and more of me everyday.
As opposed
To cherishing your memory,
I almost feel like I'm tarnishing it.
I could remember all the late nights,
Too short of summers,
Endless laughs,
The good times go on and on
Seemingly unending in the context.
Instead,
I lay awake,
Crying all the time
Missing what used to be.
Apr 24, 2016
Apr 24, 2016 at 3:28 AM UTC
Its been two months
since I broke apart
and my heart was pierced
by a thousand arrows.
My dear friend
writhing in emotional
and psychological torment
made a decision.
He decided
life was no longer worth living.
That the pain, sadness, sorrow
overwhelmed indefinitely.
I think of him everyday
there seems to be no end in sight
and to be honest
I'd have it no other way.
Blake was one of my best friends
and forgetting him
would be the biggest injustice
for someone who had the impact he did.
The people and the friends
that we have lost
or the dreams that have faded
should never be forgotten.
Apr 15, 2016
Apr 15, 2016 at 12:17 AM UTC