I've been numb for months at best
Lost my touch, my senses
Life itself seems lost, and I don't know
Or I don't want to know
If it's me, or everyone else
I feel everything or nothing at all.
And it comes in waves I can't predict,
it hits in beats I can't control, it's too loud or it's too quiet
And I don't know what's real
I just know I don't want, any of this
I don't want this job, or this body, or this face,
done with these thoughts, and these memories
I think about what you would say, on nights like this
but it makes me feel even worse
these dull, grey, purple, cloudy nights
they feel so much worse now, because of you
I'd scream for help, but I can't find the words
And with the night comes the fear
Another day unanswered
All rhyme and no reason
Fall used to be my favorite season
Because it reminded me of us
Now it makes me sad and angry
Because it reminds me of you
Would you even know me anymore?
Or even want to? Did you ever?
I want to hate you so bad
to twist your memories into nightmares
I inhale smoke, pretend its your kiss
a slow killing cancerous poison
I whisper a few ***** words into the night
but not the passionate ones you used to tell me
I look up to the clouds, expecting your usual silence
and for a moment the sky peeled back to show a hundred stars,
like I've never seen beneath Chicago skies,
and I felt so small yet so whole,
and I hoped it was you, telling me I'm not so alone,
and it hurt how much I've missed you,
but god I want to believe again,
I want to feel again,
and I want to hope again.
To think you really are watching over me.
To dream that you're somewhere better than here.
To know that we don't just blow out like a fragile flame.
And I don't care if I missed the Northern lights,
because I got to feel your glow
Feb 25
Feb 25, 2026 at 11:25 AM UTC
Am I really a good person?
I have a moral voice, but is it mine?
Was it forced upon me or given as a gift?
Am I just Objectively good and emotionally bad?
Or the other way around?
Was it simply the song I grew up hearing in my head and never forgot?
Was I simply brain washed into being moral?
Am I really that moral or have I just been around it my whole life?
Or - was no one around me truly moral and I was the opposite?
Is that why I've never understood their morals?
What if I'm so good at lying to myself that I don't even know it?
What if I die, and my soul is the bad part of me?
Apr 3, 2025
Apr 3, 2025 at 5:51 PM UTC
A full moon like an evil eye
pointing behind the streetlights
the pack long gone
the herd festered into a rat horde
rickety bones and unused ******
"It's never enough, its too much,
what's the point,"
the only way to shut it up is blunt force
to bully it away
beat it with a vengeance
before the evil feels the void
fills it with cancer
the Devil knows my weaknesses
tease me with the blood
but there's nowhere to hunt
grind the edges off my fangs
cavities and smoke shaded
murmurs, tremors, ticks and triggers
free me from the pain of care
doubt, anxiety, helplessness
I never wanted the love, but respect
the freedom to be...
advice I never asked for
questions I don't have answers to!
run until I hit the water
nightmares of drowning in darkness
never ending laughter
and you - just staring at me
like I planned the failure
I built this burned out temple
my birth was my plan
The best part of me
is the animal you say I'm not
and when it dies - I'm going with it.
Jun 6, 2023
Jun 6, 2023 at 2:10 PM UTC
I still dream it seems
Surprises me too
At some point,
the stress of the real world
You'd think
After every failure
Endless nights of,
Nothing, really
And it's torture
For the mind, body, soul
All the brain damage
The body slowly dies
A life of just work
Years dreaming for better
So many hard truths
You hope, but
This fleeting world
Loneliness, pointlessnes
Belligerent with no fight
No purpose or place
So many, just
Living to die
Feb 28, 2023
Feb 28, 2023 at 5:42 PM UTC
A prayer to the void... (and the Universe that hates us)
anxiety or anticipation I can't tell which
especially when they mix together
they make the night colder and darker
heart pounding until I hear it
my ear drums march to keep up
with it comes the bells, and the warmth in my face
my chest breaks out
I'm allergic to this uncontrollable mess
and the stress... it speaks in riddles
my body doesn't understand the language, so it works harder
I run in circles to slow it all down
(it gets me nowhere)
and the echoes? Reverberating off the walls?
make them sound like they're closing in...
outside I see the chaos, feel it crawling into my skin
scratch till I bleed
the shadows are chasing me and I am [Helpless]
Voices taunting me, color draining from my face
and the world with it
the laughter is torture
everyone knows but me
the ache in my bones tell me so
chains rattling in the walls
so dizzy - but I can't throw up
broken spirits stir up the ice cubes...
a toast? to no responsibility
crying and laughing at the same time
Feb 17, 2023
Feb 17, 2023 at 11:27 PM UTC