The fuzzy blue blur from my childhood has come to haunt me
I first saw him when a happy meal was filling
Seeing the cookie for the first time had me mesmerized
I was entranced
It was great and sweet with a bitterness that I could not yet swallow
I would call for Super Grover to save me when Cookie got too crazy
Shoving cookies until I cried and vomited
Touching me like I was nothing more than an unfrosted gingerbread man
There were far too many nights that I couldn’t signal for Super Grover to save the day
Soon I stopped signalling
Losing all contact with the outside
Cold days were plentiful and I sat outside because I knew that inside meant that I would freeze
Outside meant rain, wind,chills, and hands so cold that they felt like they were burning
Whereas inside had heaters, dry clothes, and my body frozen in terror
Shaking in fear or shaking from the cold air outside
I knew that his cookies were poison on my tongue but rationalizations got the best of me
I forced myself to believe that he did as any other childhood figure would
Eventually he started to feel more hungry as time went on
A hunger that no cookie could satisfy
He wanted innocence
I was his unknowing prey
And I allowed for mine to be slaughtered
His filthy claws stuck into every piece of my skin
Moving my young soft hands he would make the most inhuman noises
A howl as he went for the ****
He went from a symbol of joy to showing the second part of his name
Monster
Nobody could know
This was my burden
Because I had allowed this
Because I knew something that they didn’t
That they couldn’t
That the Cookie Monster is still a monster
Sep 11, 2019
Sep 11, 2019 at 4:42 AM UTC
No movement, thoughts, or heartbeat.
By all standards I should be dead
But I'm not
I'm full of worries and anxiety
Full of expectations for the worst
These are what keep me alive, and **** me.
I can't move for fear of judgement
No thoughts in case of differing opinions
Heartbeats are forbidden because someone may hear and they can hurt me from there
How can you expect me to smile when all I see are others like me, zombies, living ghosts?
All I can see is their pain and I can feel it, it's all that I can feel besides my own anxiety.
How do I live when I'm not afraid of dying?
And how the hell do I stay when all I want to do is leave?!?
I don't want to worry.
I don't want to be sad anymore and I can't have anxiety about my life.
If someone doesn't save me I'll die all the way.
Except this time it won't be because of my demons it'll be the cause of the absence of a protector.
I wasn't meant to be saved.
I wasn't born for good things and this is it.
Goodbye.
But don't worry I left a long time ago and you never noticed
Aug 6, 2016
Aug 6, 2016 at 4:39 PM UTC
When you're here were #goals and Instagram worthy yet when you're gone I just feel empty. You called me disgusting but corrected yourself and said my actions were disgusting. I take the bullets of hurtful phrases that our friends fire at both of us yet you are left unscathed. I on the other hand am shattered and falling apart. Breaking like a window and falling into the shards. But I still love you. You tell me that I'm overemotional but how can I not be when you use my largest insecurities against me and then say that you're joking. A huge important date arrives yet you're off with your friends. What's worse is when I tell you how I feel you dismiss me and say I should understand. But it's fine because I'll cry about it tonight and realize I was the one at fault because I'm overemotional and I shouldn't have made you feel bad. Tomorrow I'll apologize and then you'll say you're at fault and then we'll hug and say I love you and we'll both forget it and we'll be fine. But of course you aren't all bad because when my mother torments me at 11:30 at night you come over and we go on a drive where I cry and my makeup is everywhere yet you tell me I'm beautiful. I told you I was gaining weight and showed you my stretch marks you kissed them and said that everyone has them. When I tell you that I'm done with this life you never tell me to stay for you but instead you give me reasons to stay for myself. I really hate you sometimes but even when I feel that I can't be near you I can't help but think that
I love you.
Jul 19, 2016
Jul 19, 2016 at 6:47 PM UTC
My sister was born everyone acted like it was a party.
When I came around it was a funeral.
She only wore pink and bright colored clothes.
I wore black skinny jeans and gray sneakers.
She goes to church every Sunday.
I stay home and eat Pringles.
She dates boys.
I've dated girls and boys.
She listens to Ed Sheeran
I rock out to Sleeping With Sirens
She wins awards at school and everyone loves her.
I get called names and my friends have all left.
She draws pictures of flowers in a notebook.
I draw scars on my wrists.
She is perfect
I am flawed
She's an angel
And I'm
Not
But I will never be like her
Jul 24, 2015
Jul 24, 2015 at 4:41 AM UTC
I'm bisexual
Or "bi"
This doesn't mean
"Wants *********
It means
"Sexually attracted to my gender and my opposing gender"
I love boys and girls
This doesn't mean
"She can't make up her mind"
It means
"I was born bisexual"
I just came out
This doesn't mean
"Attention seeker" or "just a phase"
It means
"I'm just now feeling comfortable enough to tell you"
I'm bisexual and really proud of it.
It means that
"I don't care about the haters and I'm happy with who I am."
Jun 30, 2015
Jun 30, 2015 at 1:14 AM UTC
decided that I want you.
I need you to breathe.
When you're gone I feel like a fish out of water.
Misplaced and deprived of the only things I need.
I never needed him.
He wanted my body.
You wanted all of me.
I didn't want to give him any of me.
I want to give my all to you.
But you're not ready.
That's what hurts.
But I can wait for you.
I will until I'm just a rotting corpse
Love is a waiting game.
Waiting for someone to stop loving you and waiting for someone to be ready to love you.
Jun 30, 2015
Jun 30, 2015 at 12:55 AM UTC
I realized that I had my own friends
But you took them
Then he stood right in front of me
He was everything you weren't
He was smart and dorky
He was going somewhere in this spiraling world
He found a way to pull me back into sanity.
For the first time in a long time everything looked like it would get better
But of course you ruined that too
Now I'm holding on to him for the sanity I was once again losing.
But you didn't care. You just wanted a new plaything.
Now when ever you pass by my face turns red and I stare at the ground
One more push and I'll go over the edge.
I'm at the top of a building and I can't breathe.
My lungs feel like collapsing and staying on the pavement.
Even after I jump.
The pavement looks soft and comforting from way up here.
But here he comes to finally give me that final push...
What?
He grabbed my hand and pulled me down hugging me.
He told me that if I jumped than he would.
If I slept on the pavement he would sleep with me by my side.
I decided that......
Jun 30, 2015
Jun 30, 2015 at 12:34 AM UTC
My head is spinning again and spiralling out of control
I've already lost my sanity what else could I possibly lose
It began with small subtle things and then it progressed
First just what I thought was true friendship
Then playful humor
Non serious flirting
Then it happened
I was on the bus normal day then you said that you were about to do something stupid
You were right.
I wish it had never happened
You kissed me.
Then I did something even more stupid and kissed you back
I really wish that it had never happened.
Now in the hallways you won't even look at me
And now I'm almost at the edge falling when...
I realized that I'm okay
That I didn't need you
That I have my own friends
May 4, 2015
May 4, 2015 at 3:51 AM UTC
So I'm 15 now.
Halfway to middle aged.
A fourth of the way to death.
9 years ago I was 6.
I was starting school.
I made my first best friend.
6 years ago I was 9.
My dad told me he wasn't coming back.
I met my forever crush.
3 years ago I was 12.
Hung out with my friends every weekend.
Didn't care what anyone thought about my looks.
2 years ago I was 13.
Really got into guys and what they thought.
Lost weight and started wearing makeup.
1 year ago I was 14.
I started high school and became depressed.
I finally started seeing myself without crying.
I'm 15 this year.
My life will get better.
I'm gonna make the most out of my life.
Feb 24, 2015
Feb 24, 2015 at 11:45 PM UTC
I stare at the ground
I do it so that you can't see the tears in my eyes
So that you won't laugh at me
I stare at the ground
Because my shoes don't call me stupid
So that I can hide
I stare at the ground
I hope that if I can't see you, you can't see me
I just want to disappear
I stare at the ground
I don't want you to see me smiling whenever your around
I can't be hurt
I'm done with staring at the ground
I want you to see me, my tears, and my smile
I want to see the world with my head held high
Feb 16, 2015
Feb 16, 2015 at 9:17 PM UTC