you looked at me
through half-closed lids
sleepy smile on your lips
my hand touched yours
swiftly exchanged the smoking gun
I watched your lips wrap around it
and wished it was me instead
if I could freeze time
it would be that moment
locked in the smoky room
and the prison of your mouth
Mar 7, 2023
Mar 7, 2023 at 10:19 PM UTC
do you remember when we met?
back in that crowded apartment?
dimly lit and packed together with no room to spare
some people wait
their whole lives for that moment
and all I remember is seeing that smile
at the corners of your mouth
but was it really a smile?
months later you flashed me
that same smile
at another house party, in another crowded apartment
where everyone knew that smile
light danced off your eyes
eyes that really knew me
gold and emerald glimmering back at me
we stumbled home in the snow that night
with the same glassy skin
it was then that I knew
how I felt about you-
it was then that I remembered that smile
that smile
that didn’t really look like a smile
but nonetheless
that smile everyone knew
Mar 7, 2023
Mar 7, 2023 at 10:18 PM UTC
when you and I were us
I used to picture picket fences against green grass
perfectly made beds and rainbow bouquets
but somewhere after three word whispers
and before black lace on bedroom floors,
we turned into just you and just me
and that's when I realized-
we're no longer those golden little things
really, you and I
we're just this thread
this thread that we keep pulling and pulling and pulling
until I’m naked in front of you
like I have been so many times before
but not just clothes naked
naked like the kind where my skin
has turned into the words I’ve left unsaid
naked like the kind you feel on an operating table
your eyes dissect and slice into me like sterilized metal
foreign and unforgiving
I miss the way they looked at me before
and that's when you see it -
the feelings I can't stop feeling
and these cuts they burn
because I know I can't have what once was
I can't leave my love on this table and make you take it
as if that's ever what you wanted
instead you slice and slice, taking these pieces you want
and I say nothing, I do nothing
but sit there, naked, holding this thread
waiting to stitch myself back together when you leave
Mar 31, 2021
Mar 31, 2021 at 7:59 PM UTC
sat in the intersection till the light went red,
too busy looking at you instead,
you turned to me in your blackout frames
and laughed as you said my name
there we stood in the dead of night
cups of whiskey in the pale moonlight
saw you smile from behind your glass
as you said you’d marry me with a laugh
and I know it was probably just a joke
but I swear I felt it when you kissed me
never wanted you to let me go,
wrapped up in arms that felt like home
slept away half the day
tangled up in hills of grey
boots next to yours under your bed
picture of you dancing in my head
now I know Wallen said it best
when he said loving a cowboy is different than the rest
I’ve tasted your laugh and you've tasted my pain
now that I’ve loved a cowboy, how could I ever be the same?
Feb 2, 2021
Feb 2, 2021 at 1:35 PM UTC
I was fifteen
when I said no
but a hand pressed against the back of my neck
as tears ran down my face
he said "*if you loved me you'd do it.
you wouldn't be crying*"
and he took what he wanted anyways.
I wish I'd known better;
I wish I'd told my mother.
I was seventeen
Dating the only boy I've ever I loved
when his fingers grazed my neck
and I cried
and apologized because
I couldn't explain why.
I couldn't tell my mother.
I was twenty one
when I finally realized what happened to me
wasn't the way it was supposed to be
and I lost something I didn't know I had
that I'd never know why;
that I should've listened to my mother
I was twenty three
when he returned
with the audacity to ask if I wanted to hook up
I wish I'd had the courage to say something
to tell him what he did wasn't fair
that I should've known better,
that he should've been better;
that I wish I'd listened to my mother.
Jun 26, 2020
Jun 26, 2020 at 11:19 PM UTC
watching you behinD the wheel was a view
even The sOnoraN desert couldn't cOmpete with
i remember driving home From Your mOm's
you tUrned to me and said your Mom adored mE
as The girl you couldn't love,
i thinK tHat's the one thing
I'll always have Over the girl yOu did.
Jun 26, 2020
Jun 26, 2020 at 2:17 AM UTC
we went OUt for dInner with friEnds
and came hoMe without touching hands
tweLVe hOurs and One text later
we ceased to exist...
as if I evEr expresseD the slightest desire
to neveR be with You
Mar 9, 2020
Mar 9, 2020 at 10:36 PM UTC
I read something about
how boys never end up with manic pixie dream girls;
they just hang around and use her
until someone more docile comes along
when you say you can’t pick me up right now
even though my parents
are cutting each other with words,
I think to when you broke my heart
“we have nothing in common,
and you’re so young”
and I wonder if maybe
I’m your Manic Pixie Dream Girl:
here to teach you about the life you don’t know
about it’s mysteries and nuances,
about wild *** and drunken nights
only for you to leave me again.
when will that happen?
what will she be like?
will I always be someone’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl?
May 19, 2019
May 19, 2019 at 7:50 PM UTC
I’d like to know when the words
“you deserve better”
became a placeholder for
“I’m leaving you”
May 18, 2019
May 18, 2019 at 8:01 PM UTC
i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty.
and when it's good, it's grand.
i will paint your skies every shade of purple i can find.
i will stand by your side like man's best friend,
fighting for you, fighting with you.
i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty,
but when it's bad...it's bad.
but i will still be here when
you say my skies look more like bruises
from fighting too hard, too much-
words thrown like fists, messy and unrefined.
i will still be here even when
you tell me my lavender sky was unrealistic,
my head always stuck in the clouds.
i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty-
but what good does that combination do me
when they aren't together anyways?
May 18, 2019
May 18, 2019 at 3:17 PM UTC