Dear past self,
He was never the one.
Stop being so hung up on a guy that treated you like garbage. Used you like a door mat, only wanted you when it was convenient. He was material, so conscious of what other people thought and hurt you because of it. Judged you, talking down to you.
He's a good guy, he is. But he wasn't ready for a serious relationship.
Don't regret dating him though, because he led up to the best person you have ever locked eyes with. Don't regret dating him because he made you realize that you are more precious than any diamond or gold. He made you realize what you want, what you don't, what you deserve, and what you don't.
Wish for his happiness, because him leaving you brought you the best thing in the world. He's your best friend of six years and we didn't even know he was our soul mate.
So thank you ex-boyfriend of high school past. And thank you new love of college future.
All my love and more,
Future yourself
Jan 18, 2016
Jan 18, 2016 at 2:39 PM UTC
i catch you looking at me
like the Disney prince looks at his love,
big eyes
sparkling,
soft smile
warm.
i ask you,
"why are you looking at me like that, you nerd?"
"because you're so beautiful. because i just love you so, so much."
my heart is weak
to your gentle hands
to your sweet kiss
to your complete honesty
to you
you
you.
i am so, so weak.
why didn't anyone tell me this is what love felt like?
overflowing,
like a warm bath.
soft,
like morning kisses.
i love every morning that i'm entwined with you.
i love you.
so so much.
why didn't anyone tell me it was you?
it was always you.
Jan 18, 2016
Jan 18, 2016 at 2:16 PM UTC
I look back at all I wrote about the boy who played baseball. Who had three dogs, now four. Who was the only boy out of four sisters. Who says "God isn't real" because he lost his dad at age 12. Who was so handsome.
We've been apart for a year or so and I couldn't be happier. I hope he's happy too. He's in college now, the college I'm going to in August; funny how things work out.
But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him in a long, long time.
I remember when I thought that I loved him. That he was the one. That because he told me we were going to get married one day, that actually were.
I never loved him the way you love the one. But I did love him, in a way. I don't regret him breaking up with me. I only regret telling him "it's okay" through choked sobs and invalidating my feelings. I regret hating him for so long for breaking my heart then trying to date one of my best friends not even three months later.
I shouldn't have been mad, not really.
But now, since the summer, I realized what I had been missing for years. That my best friend---funny, strange, sweet, blonde mop top---was the one I'm supposed to be with. Maybe I'm being naive and getting ahead of myself, thinking that he is the one. Maybe I too easily think people are the one. But this love I have never experienced before, and it's so magical.
Maybe this one will end up in flames like every other one.
Maybe this one will end up with a queen sized mattress and sweet ********** in mid-morning.
I can't see the future, but God, I wish I would have stopped ******* around and asked him out years ago. Instead of dancing around each other; snuggling, holding hands, napping together, for years. Knowing that I liked him, but was too afraid to act.
I was so dumb.
I am still so dumb.
But I couldn't be happier with how life is right now.
Dec 10, 2015
Dec 10, 2015 at 4:55 PM UTC
please don't say i'm "trouble"
to my father
my mother
because i am an attractive young lady
and boys will come calling.
that is not a compliment.
"she's trouble."
that makes me feel like it's my fault
that boys will regard me in disgusting ways,
will want to slip a hand up my skirt,
leave.
make me feel
it's my fault that he doesn't love me anymore
because i wouldn't let him shove his **** in me
like he desperately begged me to.
*we've been together for seventeen months
i love you, please **** my ****
no i will not feel guilty
i will not let him take what's mine.
and he leaves to find someone who will bend
to every i love you
and please
over a table so he can bury himself inside her.
compliment me.
call me :
pretty
smart
kind
compassionate
creative
stop saying i'm trouble
because my face is nice
it's not my fault that boys believe
that girls are born to cater to their every
throbbing ********
in sunday church
get down on your knees and pray
face buried in the pelvis of God.
ironic.
Apr 29, 2015
Apr 29, 2015 at 7:13 PM UTC
i miss you
i miss how you used to touch me so gently and it felt like a fire kissing my skin
i wish you would have stayed longer so i could map out your body
so you could map out mine
but i was the one who always said "wait just a little longer"
"not yet"
i knew if i gave myself away to you it would be harder when you left me
im glad i didnt
and yet i wish i had
because now i cant even touch myself knowing that youre not going to touch me again
i want you to leave hickeys all over me
i want to leave hickeys all over you and claw the **** out of your back when you give me a Love Injection
i want you to walk around and people see that Youre Mine
but you left me
you dont love me, not anymore
and yet i do still love you like Day 1
youve probably moved on since the month weve been apart
but i havent
i cant
because it feels like im betraying you
Nov 29, 2014
Nov 29, 2014 at 11:53 AM UTC
it feels wrong walking past you in the hall and only being about to look at you from the corner of my eye.
i miss you a lot.
it hurts to see you happy without me.
youre so ******* beautiful.
i hate you.
Nov 24, 2014
Nov 24, 2014 at 11:31 AM UTC
i heard you asked about where i am during lunch period
i heard you were disappointed that i hide in the art room
i heard you miss me
i wish you would just kiss me
but youll change your mind when i come aroud again
"we're just friends"
right ?
Nov 19, 2014
Nov 19, 2014 at 7:24 PM UTC
i had a dream about you last night
you came to my home and asked me to lie down with you
i didnt ask why because i knew it would scare you off
so i curled into your chest like i used to
it felt right and strange all at once
in a wave
you said everything was okay and you were sorry
i woke up in tears feeling the ghost of your arms around me
Nov 17, 2014
Nov 17, 2014 at 6:54 AM UTC
i love kissing
in the back of the bus
pitch black at 11 PM
i kissed three people right on the mouth, i loved it
(it's been almost a month since you've been gone, maybe it's time to move on?)
she had red hair ,dyed, and a cherub face, curvy and boisterous
her lips were soft and she took the lead
i couldnt stop smiling
she had a pixie cut and a beanie,
almost six foot and quiet
she kissed passionate and quick leaving me weak in the knees
he had long blue hair
a year younger than me, but it wasnt strange (??)
he was awkward and fumbled
but i liked it anyway
i was kissed seven times in two hours, it was fun and i felt okay
and yet i looked for you in everyone of them
feeling empty when i climbed in bed
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 1:23 AM UTC
my one true desire is to one day be so beautiful, inside and out, that everyone falls in love with me.
but i will only sit on my thrown because even if they do fall in love with me ill still be lonely.
Nov 13, 2014
Nov 13, 2014 at 5:15 PM UTC