katiekat - Hello Poetry

A mixture of lust and fear I feel like I'm living in a haze The memories pierce me when I'm least expecting it I can't break free. I regret everything, yet I would do it all again You're like a poison that I'm addicted to I like the way it burns down my throat But I hate the feeling of choking

0

Jan 22, 2017

Jan 22, 2017 at 8:56 PM UTC

choking

A mixture of lust and fear I feel like I'm living in a haze The memories pierce me when I'm least expecting it I can't break free. I regret everything, yet I would do it all again You're like a poison that I'm addicted to I like the way it burns down my throat But I hate the feeling of choking

8

/ I have a stark longing for you But I dilute it with drops of hesitancy and dashes of indecision // Sometimes I feel like we are both playing a game and I can never tell who is winning. One minute I am playing you like a fiddle and the next minute I find myself being accidentally genuine. I know you are strategically manipulating me most of the time but I catch glimpses of realness in you too . I remind myself to stay guarded- to not get attached- this is just fun, right? But then an authentic emotion stirs within me. And I have never been one to stifle the movement of authenticity. /// It feels authentic when you remember little things about me...and about us. It feels authentic when I catch myself stammering for words because your kind eyes catch me off guard. And my mind flashes back to the way those green eyes would look at me right before we kissed. It feels authentic when I find myself praying for you. Praying that you'll nail your job interview or have life-giving friendships or fall in love with the perfect girl. It's moments like these that I realize I am losing this game of ours. I try to push away the care that I feel for you because, frankly, it hurts It is much easier to pretend that I'm apathetic and unattached And sometimes I beat myself up for caring about you because you make it so **** hard to do. //// If I know that you are not my future- why am I so intent on fitting you into my present? There is a cruel irony in the way that I came crawling back. I finally surfaced from the tumultuous waters of you, only to turn around and voluntarily plunge back in. ///// And I know that you probably don't trust me And I suspect that you don't experience the same care for me that I have for you But sometimes I detect a flash of the longing that you have for me You long for my attention and affection You long for my encouragement and friendship You long for my body to be wrapped up in yours- like slipping into a familiar pair of sweatpants You long for me to long for you / but is that enough?

0

Dec 30, 2016

Dec 30, 2016 at 1:02 AM UTC

if we're being honest

/ I have a stark longing for you But I dilute it with drops of hesitancy and dashes of indecision // Sometimes I feel like we are both playing a game and I can never tell who is winning. One minute I am playing you like a fiddle and the next minute I find myself being accidentally genuine. I know you are strategically manipulating me most of the time but I catch glimpses of realness in you too . I remind myself to stay guarded- to not get attached- this is just fun, right? But then an authentic emotion stirs within me. And I have never been one to stifle the movement of authenticity. /// It feels authentic when you remember little things about me...and about us. It feels authentic when I catch myself stammering for words because your kind eyes catch me off guard. And my mind flashes back to the way those green eyes would look at me right before we kissed. It feels authentic when I find myself praying for you. Praying that you'll nail your job interview or have life-giving friendships or fall in love with the perfect girl. It's moments like these that I realize I am losing this game of ours. I try to push away the care that I feel for you because, frankly, it hurts It is much easier to pretend that I'm apathetic and unattached And sometimes I beat myself up for caring about you because you make it so **** hard to do. //// If I know that you are not my future- why am I so intent on fitting you into my present? There is a cruel irony in the way that I came crawling back. I finally surfaced from the tumultuous waters of you, only to turn around and voluntarily plunge back in. ///// And I know that you probably don't trust me And I suspect that you don't experience the same care for me that I have for you But sometimes I detect a flash of the longing that you have for me You long for my attention and affection You long for my encouragement and friendship You long for my body to be wrapped up in yours- like slipping into a familiar pair of sweatpants You long for me to long for you / but is that enough?

32

It hurts to not be somebody's first choice To feel like an afterthought It hurts when they tell you they care but their actions scream out: "you're worthless!" It hurts when you sheepishly ask to cuddle and he pointedly sits on the couch across the room It hurts when you feel like you valued the relationship more than he ever did It hurts when you feel like a filler of a human Something that he spent his time on until he could finally obtain someone better It hurts when you start to wonder if there really is something inherently unlovable about who you are There must be something fundamentally broken in me because every time a guy gets close enough to see inside, he backs away Maybe if I had good skin and soft hair and toned abs Maybe if my sense of humor was wittier Or my passions were more beautiful Or my nail beds weren't a disaster Or if I cared for people better Or if I was more confident in myself Maybe then I would be lovable Maybe then someone would value me as much as I value them I know relationships are hard and love is a choice but there is a base level of adoration that people seem to have for their partners Why have I never experienced that? When will anyone look into my bruised, twisted heart and decide that it is worth choosing? It hurts to not be somebody's first choice.

0

Nov 10, 2016

Nov 10, 2016 at 11:10 PM UTC

choices

It hurts to not be somebody's first choice To feel like an afterthought It hurts when they tell you they care but their actions scream out: "you're worthless!" It hurts when you sheepishly ask to cuddle and he pointedly sits on the couch across the room It hurts when you feel like you valued the relationship more than he ever did It hurts when you feel like a filler of a human Something that he spent his time on until he could finally obtain someone better It hurts when you start to wonder if there really is something inherently unlovable about who you are There must be something fundamentally broken in me because every time a guy gets close enough to see inside, he backs away Maybe if I had good skin and soft hair and toned abs Maybe if my sense of humor was wittier Or my passions were more beautiful Or my nail beds weren't a disaster Or if I cared for people better Or if I was more confident in myself Maybe then I would be lovable Maybe then someone would value me as much as I value them I know relationships are hard and love is a choice but there is a base level of adoration that people seem to have for their partners Why have I never experienced that? When will anyone look into my bruised, twisted heart and decide that it is worth choosing? It hurts to not be somebody's first choice.

21

friendship intimate, trustworthy, fun the kind of friendship that I didn't question he's like my brother I would tell people and you were so good to me you would hold me as I cried over other boys who broke me you would take me on spontaneous doughnut runs you would help me move out of my dorm- doing all of the heavy lifting that's just who you were you lifted things when they were too heavy for me to handle you carried my burdens for nothing in return. more than friendship? intimate, confusing, fun I remember that night on your couch so vividly The way you brushed my hair behind my ear and told me all of the things that were special about me- the pieces of my heart that you loved And you said that you would never hurt me or leave me alone I remember feeling so certain- so sure about you In a way that I had never felt about any other man I remember letting myself be completely bare We've been friends for years; he already knows all of my wounds, I thought And I let myself fall, I really did With every midnight conversation. Every passionate kiss. Every knowing smile you would give me from across the room. With every passing day, I was becoming more and more yours I would even picture the future, our future My unguarded heart rendered my mind susceptible to thoughts such as, "what would a life with him look like?" strangers distant, sudden, decidedly un-fun your decision crashed over me like a wave pounds the sand it was not pretty or easy or anything like I had imagined it to be the equation of my future calculated you as a constant- not a variable but there it was: your decision to let me go without my permission. you chose to walk out of my life in a way that hurt me more than any legitimate breakup ever could my "shoulder to cry on" suddenly became the source of my tears. my dream about the future suddenly became an all-too-present nightmare. my best friend became a stranger. and I was entirely unprepared for the impact of my fall.

0

Oct 16, 2016

Oct 16, 2016 at 10:38 PM UTC

it's complicated

friendship intimate, trustworthy, fun the kind of friendship that I didn't question he's like my brother I would tell people and you were so good to me you would hold me as I cried over other boys who broke me you would take me on spontaneous doughnut runs you would help me move out of my dorm- doing all of the heavy lifting that's just who you were you lifted things when they were too heavy for me to handle you carried my burdens for nothing in return. more than friendship? intimate, confusing, fun I remember that night on your couch so vividly The way you brushed my hair behind my ear and told me all of the things that were special about me- the pieces of my heart that you loved And you said that you would never hurt me or leave me alone I remember feeling so certain- so sure about you In a way that I had never felt about any other man I remember letting myself be completely bare We've been friends for years; he already knows all of my wounds, I thought And I let myself fall, I really did With every midnight conversation. Every passionate kiss. Every knowing smile you would give me from across the room. With every passing day, I was becoming more and more yours I would even picture the future, our future My unguarded heart rendered my mind susceptible to thoughts such as, "what would a life with him look like?" strangers distant, sudden, decidedly un-fun your decision crashed over me like a wave pounds the sand it was not pretty or easy or anything like I had imagined it to be the equation of my future calculated you as a constant- not a variable but there it was: your decision to let me go without my permission. you chose to walk out of my life in a way that hurt me more than any legitimate breakup ever could my "shoulder to cry on" suddenly became the source of my tears. my dream about the future suddenly became an all-too-present nightmare. my best friend became a stranger. and I was entirely unprepared for the impact of my fall.

36

When I was in 4th grade she called me “weird” and I believed it When I was in 6th grade he called me “ugly” and I believed it When I was in 7th grade she called me “worthless” and I believed it When I was in 8th grade they called me a ***** and I believed it When I was in 10th grade she called me “fake” and I believed it When I was in 11th grade they called me “desperate” and I believed it When I was in 12th grade he called me “selfish” and I believed it I seem to think that I’m just not good enough Like I’m not worthy of being loved or cared for I have a hard time believing I’m a beautiful person I see the ugliness that is my heart and refuse to accept that my soul is a lovely thing I also believe the lie that I cannot change That I will always be a slave to my anxieties and shortcomings That I couldn’t stop even if I tried That I don’t really want to change I believe the lie that this way of living on my own strength is more satisfying That surrendering to God will let me down somehow I’m scared to give up control of my life I feel like I can’t give it all to Him- I need to hold at least a few strands of myself back It’s hard for me to even imagine what total healing and surrender would look like I’ve been tangled in webs of deceit for as long as I can remember I listen to those lies about myself I’ve made my home in a house of matchsticks and every time my heart breaks the force is enough of spark to set me on fire I continue to self-destruct I don’t even know how to trust God How do I hand over my life into His hands? Is there a special prayer or action I can do in order to totally surrender? Why is it so much easier to trust myself instead of the One who knit me together? I don’t like myself- you see- that’s a problem But the Spirit living inside of me renders me worthy I have inherited a lifetime of loveliness because I was created by an Artist Not everyone that looks at me will recognize my beauty However, that does not diminish the reality of it I have been made worthy I have been made lovely These are facts- not opinions or fleeting emotions. This is truth. When I stop believing the lies about myself- I feel free I’m free to live the way I was created to live I am not bound by shackles of addiction or self-hatred I’M FREE and even though I thought rebellion made me “free” it only fueled the fire that welded my own chains Ignoring and disobeying God is not freedom- it’s self-destruction I cannot make myself happy Nothing can satisfy the aching in the core of my being other than living in the shadow of the One who gave everything- sacrificed everything in the pursuit of my adulterous heart I could never be more loved than I am right now in this very moment I can never be more beautiful than how I was created He will bring me joy, purpose, strength, conviction, peace, satisfaction, & LIFE When I try to control my life, emotions, thoughts, and rebellious heart it yields pain and emptiness When He is in control- I bloom.

0

Aug 4, 2015

Aug 4, 2015 at 7:55 PM UTC

bloom

When I was in 4th grade she called me “weird” and I believed it When I was in 6th grade he called me “ugly” and I believed it When I was in 7th grade she called me “worthless” and I believed it When I was in 8th grade they called me a ***** and I believed it When I was in 10th grade she called me “fake” and I believed it When I was in 11th grade they called me “desperate” and I believed it When I was in 12th grade he called me “selfish” and I believed it I seem to think that I’m just not good enough Like I’m not worthy of being loved or cared for I have a hard time believing I’m a beautiful person I see the ugliness that is my heart and refuse to accept that my soul is a lovely thing I also believe the lie that I cannot change That I will always be a slave to my anxieties and shortcomings That I couldn’t stop even if I tried That I don’t really want to change I believe the lie that this way of living on my own strength is more satisfying That surrendering to God will let me down somehow I’m scared to give up control of my life I feel like I can’t give it all to Him- I need to hold at least a few strands of myself back It’s hard for me to even imagine what total healing and surrender would look like I’ve been tangled in webs of deceit for as long as I can remember I listen to those lies about myself I’ve made my home in a house of matchsticks and every time my heart breaks the force is enough of spark to set me on fire I continue to self-destruct I don’t even know how to trust God How do I hand over my life into His hands? Is there a special prayer or action I can do in order to totally surrender? Why is it so much easier to trust myself instead of the One who knit me together? I don’t like myself- you see- that’s a problem But the Spirit living inside of me renders me worthy I have inherited a lifetime of loveliness because I was created by an Artist Not everyone that looks at me will recognize my beauty However, that does not diminish the reality of it I have been made worthy I have been made lovely These are facts- not opinions or fleeting emotions. This is truth. When I stop believing the lies about myself- I feel free I’m free to live the way I was created to live I am not bound by shackles of addiction or self-hatred I’M FREE and even though I thought rebellion made me “free” it only fueled the fire that welded my own chains Ignoring and disobeying God is not freedom- it’s self-destruction I cannot make myself happy Nothing can satisfy the aching in the core of my being other than living in the shadow of the One who gave everything- sacrificed everything in the pursuit of my adulterous heart I could never be more loved than I am right now in this very moment I can never be more beautiful than how I was created He will bring me joy, purpose, strength, conviction, peace, satisfaction, & LIFE When I try to control my life, emotions, thoughts, and rebellious heart it yields pain and emptiness When He is in control- I bloom.

48

I'm the kind of girl that boys like to forget about

0

Apr 29, 2015

Apr 29, 2015 at 8:16 PM UTC

~

I'm the kind of girl that boys like to forget about

1

they say that storms always pass but it's been pouring for a month thunder still rattles my bones and I haven't seen the sun in weeks what if this storm doesn't pass? what if this is the kind of rain that soaks me and changes me did I get struck by lightning? every inch of my skin is burning I have electrical tears the storm is breaking me but, god, it is beautiful

0

Apr 13, 2015

Apr 13, 2015 at 1:30 PM UTC

during

they say that storms always pass but it's been pouring for a month thunder still rattles my bones and I haven't seen the sun in weeks what if this storm doesn't pass? what if this is the kind of rain that soaks me and changes me did I get struck by lightning? every inch of my skin is burning I have electrical tears the storm is breaking me but, god, it is beautiful

10

missing you is like insomnia, nausea, and headaches that won't go away missing you is like being deflated crumpled in a fetal position with no intentions of getting up missing you is like trying to convince myself that I'm okay "no really, I didn't even think about him today" missing you is screaming because I can't get your smile out of my head why do I care? stupid girl. get over it. missing you is like losing a piece of myself my carefree, wildflower, smiling, full-hearted self is missing you took her with you when you said you didn't love me missing you is wishing you missed me too.

0

Apr 8, 2015

Apr 8, 2015 at 1:38 AM UTC

missing

missing you is like insomnia, nausea, and headaches that won't go away missing you is like being deflated crumpled in a fetal position with no intentions of getting up missing you is like trying to convince myself that I'm okay "no really, I didn't even think about him today" missing you is screaming because I can't get your smile out of my head why do I care? stupid girl. get over it. missing you is like losing a piece of myself my carefree, wildflower, smiling, full-hearted self is missing you took her with you when you said you didn't love me missing you is wishing you missed me too.

12

when I wake up in the morning sustain me, O Lord when I face something I dread sustain me, O Lord when fear creeps in sustain me, O Lord when the doubts attack sustain me, O Lord when everything is going "fine" sustain me, O Lord when I feel my heart breaking sustain me, O Lord when I forget and fail and fragment sustain me, O Lord you hold galaxies in the palm of your hand the same place where I lay my weary head with the universe as my pillow I can find rest.

0

Feb 3, 2015

Feb 3, 2015 at 3:44 PM UTC

sustain

when I wake up in the morning sustain me, O Lord when I face something I dread sustain me, O Lord when fear creeps in sustain me, O Lord when the doubts attack sustain me, O Lord when everything is going "fine" sustain me, O Lord when I feel my heart breaking sustain me, O Lord when I forget and fail and fragment sustain me, O Lord you hold galaxies in the palm of your hand the same place where I lay my weary head with the universe as my pillow I can find rest.

18