She kissed your cheek and smiled widely,
the corners of her mouth almost touching her
impeccably tattooed eyebrows.
She was not what you had pictured
from the back and forth email conversations
on quotes and designs and sizes.
She asked you to take a seat as she went to
smoke a cigarette outside the shop with a coworker;
Anna was her name...with two jack russel terriers -
one of them is like a honey badger apparently.
It's funny how the mind remembers certain things...
the way the smoke on her tongue smelled as she leaned in
adding ink to her needle,
or the song she kept humming while you
bit your tongue and stared at the decorated ceiling.
But the pain of the needle depositing the
ink
into your skin was welcome...
It was nothing compared to the internal turmoil you were
experiencing the past seven days.
It almost felt good...
Not adrenaline good, but like good that you were capable of
feeling
something besides sadness and anger.
In the Barcelona airport two days earlier, you made your appointment.
One on your hip, one on your foot
100 pound deposit. No problem.
You needed something to occupy your
mind
from the pain it endured over your "holiday."
So much for a holiday...
Surprise! Your friend is a backstabbing *****
who "secretly" hates you and tried to
ditch you repeatedly.
The needle grazes your hipbone and you wince.
"You okay?" Tota coos in her Italian accent.
You nod, but you know you're not really okay...
You never were...probably never will be OKAY.
Your mind wanders...wishing you were home
and not in London, three thousand miles away from
the only people who seem to care.
"Done!" Tota exclaims.
You examine her work, smiling.
The first time you have smiled in days.
"Get ready...this one is gona hurt!" she says, half excited.
You don't care...nothing can hurt more than your heart...
Too bad that can't be tattooed...
Apr 27, 2016
Apr 27, 2016 at 5:20 PM UTC
You told me you wouldn't be happy.
Those words are engraved in my memory...
They were unnecessary
And cold
And harsh.
And they changed me.
I don't see the world in the same way.
I'm deeper in this never-ending abyss...
Deeper than I've been before.
Words are powerful.
They carry a weight greater than anything else.
They are hard to forget.
And they can be harder to remember correctly.
Your words hurt.
Like a bullet straight to the heart.
I keep finding it harder to breathe
Every day...
And it's your fault.
I keep telling us both that it's not,
But there's no other explanation.
You created those words.
The words that tore me apart.
And no words can fix me.
I'm a broken mess.
Your words turned me into this.
I am cold, and alone, and empty.
I still love you,
But I blame you for everything.
And that's what continues to hurt the most.
Not so much the words,
But the weight they carry...
And how the person who expressed them,
Was the only one I could trust.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 1:02 AM UTC
I just feel so alone in this big big world. Like there's me, surrounded by a puffy winter jacket 10 sizes too big. And I'm scrambling to envelop myself in it, but there's so much empty space. I'm being swallowed. By darkness and coldness and nothingness. And it's terrifying, yet there are so many exhilarating things in this life. But my mind is traveling too fast to absorb any of it or even pause briefly to observe the magnificence of what I have been given. I'm scared and I'm alone, and I'm scared THAT I'm alone. I say I love you far too often and much too quickly, but you never know which day will be your last. And that thought alone scares me, because I haven't done any of the things I want to do. I'm scared of life - not even the future - because it's such a beautiful thing that I have been blessed with but I find it so ******* painful. And it's exhausting.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 12:50 AM UTC
The embrace of the warm water was welcome on the iciness of my flesh. My skin, pale and uninteresting, reflected what I felt inside: cold, bitter, and lacking life. I can't recall the length of time I spent sitting in the porcelain tub, its overwhelming and vast whiteness enveloping me. All I could hear was the metallic ring of the shower head pumping water onto my pathetic, limp body and the rattling of too many thoughts inside of my head. The only other thing I could manage to do was rinse the conditioner from my not-quite-long yet not-quite-short blonde hair, scrub my face and climb into the familiarity of my bed, towels and all.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 12:49 AM UTC
I don't feel supported,
Or loved by your words.
Friends should make each other feel good, that's what we're here for.
I never hear "you're beautiful"
Or "you're perfect the way you are"
When I need it most,
When I'm struggling with my sense of self.
I don't need a pity party,
And I'm not an attention seeker,
But every now and then a nudge
From you
Would mean the world
To me.
I'm not as strong as I like to think,
I'm very apt to break,
And I've become weaker
Without the love I need to grow.
I don't want to lose you,
That's the worst that I can fear,
I just want you to gently remind me
That you care.
Apr 14, 2015
Apr 14, 2015 at 12:45 AM UTC
Help me
For I have fallen
And cannot will the earth to
Return the feet
That it has swallowed
And rightfully belong to me.
Oct 11, 2014
Oct 11, 2014 at 6:54 PM UTC
This infected flesh
Covers every inch of this body.
Infected with
Pain
Sadness, yet
Emptiness - a lack of
Emotion.
"Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt"
In the words of hamlet;
Maybe then my
Demons would be set free.
Of all the things that haunt me,
Your ghost is the most prominent.
Of all the memories,
The ones of happiness
Are the most heavy.
My mind is full of pain
And anguish
And a lack of empathy,
And full of anger
And poisonous thoughts.
I long for an escape...
Oct 11, 2014
Oct 11, 2014 at 6:52 PM UTC
How does it feel?
To say,
With such dexterity,
That you are sad
Or alone
Or depressed?
But you know nothing of these things.
At least not the way I know them.
Sadness is my bible,
Alone is my prayer,
Depression is my God.
Does that make sense now?
You know so much of
Religion and the like,
Can you begin to comprehend
What I know as daily life?
Do tears not shake your earth
And resonate in your bones
Anymore?
Do muffled sobs become your
Nightly ritual?
Is smiling physically painful?
And silence is deafening,
Even to the quietest ear?
I am all things
Broken and
Used;
Abused.
I am pain and
Loneliness.
I don't know these things:
I am these things.
Good night and good bye
From the blonde girl with
Golden green eyes
And tear stained cheeks.
Oct 8, 2014
Oct 8, 2014 at 12:00 AM UTC
Okay. I need to rant. I send you an incredibly long message about how you're my best friend and what you mean to me and how much I love you, and all that you respond with is a picture - not even an actual text. Like honestly? Are you freaking kidding me?? And then you post "I need someone to watch movies with who won't judge me if I try to spoon" hi, best friend over here who likes watching movies with you and always wants to be right next to you but I'm worried that you'll think it's weird. So really? I'm pretty sure that you don't think of me as your best friend and that really hurts. But I guess I shouldn't care. You have friends and I don't, right? Oh my god it's so frustrating. I really am sick of feeling so ****** about myself because of you. I feel on top of the world because I send a super amazing and heartfelt message to my favorite person, and I get **** in return. So thank you for that, it's not incredibly disappointing or hurtful at all (that's pure unadulterated sarcasm). Maybe this is the problem with being best friends with a guy. I am "more sensitive" or whatever, but you've had friends that are girls before, why can't you treat me like them? And you never say I'm pretty or anything, that's hurtful. You'll talk about all these people that are babes, but you never compliment me. I'm really sad because of it. And I'm really angered too. I wish we were inseparable, but you don't care. And I'm so tired of trying with you...good bye (at least for tonight).
Oct 7, 2014
Oct 7, 2014 at 11:52 PM UTC
I am alone.
I am worthless.
I am nothing.
Three thoughts that cross my mind
Every day,
Every hour,
Every minute,
Every second.
I know I'm none of those things;
I know that I'll achieve greatness,
But depression doesn't know that.
Depression knows no boundaries,
Except for how to cross them
Without getting caught.
I am a pit of despair;
A black hole of never-ending pain.
I know nothing except for
Three things:
I am nothing.
I am worthless.
And I am alone.
Oct 1, 2014
Oct 1, 2014 at 1:50 AM UTC