You didn't know me in the days when I was unstoppable,
back in the days when frenetic energy propelled me
forward and forward and forward and
the weight of everyone else's anger hadn't yet
yoked me. I had enough momentum to keep pulling
for a while. My sorry bones have since been crushed.
An endless parade of people who insisted they
knew better has climbed on my back to reach
new heights. Without fanfare, I got used to sitting
on the floor. These days, you'll find me mourning at
the altar of my wasted youth, picking myself apart
again and again and again, wondering where I lost
the thread. These days, you'll find me flat on my back
in the dirt, reaching lamely for the sky, trying to
remember who I used to be.
Oct 19, 2023
Oct 19, 2023 at 12:56 PM UTC
I became a creature of light
in the way that only someone who'd
shattered on their bedroom floor one too many times could.
In the darkest recesses of the hours when
sensible folks were sleeping,
I was losing the
marrow from my bones.
There is a limit
to what even the most terrified people-pleaser can give, and I
felt the jolt of hitting the bottom of the abyss snap the last
of whatever force of will held me together.
No one had taught me about the moment I'd be spent.
I had equations inked inside my skull
and qualifications framed on my mother's wall
and none of it was armor against this destruction.
More terrifying than my empty body was the prospect of
trying to reanimate it.
You can adapt to the crushing darkness the way
deep sea fish have evolved without sunlight,
so maybe I could lie here forever.
But the memory of being
electric
still zinged through my hollow heart.
And there—a tiny spark.
And here—the will to fan the flames.
So I had to learn the hard way
why only phoenixes are reborn.
And now,
baby,
you wouldn't believe how full of fire I am.
Jul 10, 2023
Jul 10, 2023 at 5:52 AM UTC
I have been trying to extract
Revenge
From my own flesh
Greeting every midnight with the frenzy
Of an immortal who has seen
Too many sunrises
This is mania that
Burns down my throat and
Breathes in my ear and
Bleeds out dizzy secrets in the back of a cab
When you swept through and left me hollow
I was already primed to starve
And you, consumed by the same mania,
Had us hurtling through the night like this moment could
Never end
You extracted the brilliant stardust I offered in the dull city
And left sweet whispers all over my kitchen floor
I watched each one dissolve
Like spun sugar
Until I could have sworn I'd imagined it all
My ancestors would have burned you for less
Sent your ashes scattering to whatever
Vengeful god
Would take them
And I feel a thrumming in my veins
Calling for a sacrifice
So I hope the spectre of this moment never leaves you
Trails its icy fingers down your neck at every midnight
And coats your skin with sickly stickiness
Leaves you feverish and frantic
When you remember
All the shining things that could have been
If your words had had substance
Jul 8, 2023
Jul 8, 2023 at 2:03 PM UTC
You were the wall I planned to keep
Breaking myself against
A breathless distraction to chase the
Thoughts right out of my head
Glassy-eyed
I wanted to run wild with you all night
I wanted all your pretty nonsense to be real
And if I had to bet
On every bone in my body
I'd say the same was true of you
It's a shame you left me to my own devices
For we sketched such a beautiful
Delusion
Jun 9, 2023
Jun 9, 2023 at 4:05 PM UTC
Tell me,
What are the chances of a lightning strike?
I found myself staying out all night,
Chasing the forked streaks
Until I collided with you
—I always did want to believe in Fate—
So maybe I had glitter in my eyes
Or maybe we out-dazzled the stars.
Tell me,
How do you think this ends?
I've felt the sparks biting my skin,
Delirious like a fever dream.
Words are such flimsy anchors at the break of dawn
And I wonder
If we'll stay to set the sky on fire
Or blow away like ash.
Jun 4, 2023
Jun 4, 2023 at 11:28 PM UTC
This wild heart
Will be too much for tame mortals
For those who never taught themselves
To howl out all their pain
Passion is a terror
Because it claws you open
Yet I have been facing my fears
I have stood here
Offering all that I am
Knowing that too many
Will shrink back into themselves
This glimpse of something real sends them running
Back to cold, familiar artifice
It reminds them
That denial is a comfort
Someday
When you try to convince me
That I never exposed my fiery heart
I'll look to my cleaved ribs
And recognize the soothing lie you've woven
May 14, 2023
May 14, 2023 at 6:26 PM UTC
It was never the searing heat that got me
Nor the heights
I have always known I could fly
Even if mud-caked mules tried to convince me
That I was doomed to be earthbound
No
The atmosphere was choking me
Down here with my demons and dilemmas and denials
So despite desperate braying
I unfurled fragile wings and
Soared
Caught an updraft
Until I had outrun it all
Until all I could hear was my own thundering heart
Hammering my problems to pixie dust
It was the shimmering
That was my first undoing
Enamored
I crowned myself queen in the clouds
Swirled in gilded revelry
And smiled lazily at this sweat-slicked kingdom
Even knowing that someday
Someday
Gravity would have its way
But up here
Force and the laws of physics
Seemed too far to ever catch me
Here
Where everything was lined with silver
I thought I could trick Fate
Into handing someday to someone else
In the end
The shock of the fall
Was because it wasn't on my to-do list
I was still reveling
Reckless in the radiance
Basking in the sun
And running from all the things
That had kept me up at night
Holding court in my cloud castle
Imagine my surprise
When I realized I hadn't outpaced them all
That feeling of the floor falling out from under me
When one caught me by the wings
And yanked
Fate, it seemed, would not be denied
Had to be paid Her somedays
In full
As I tumbled into gravity's clutches
I wondered if this time
This time
Would be when I'd stop learning the hard way
If someday my lessons could be coaxed from me gently
Rather than ripped from me screaming
If a different kind of someday could find me
As I lay
Bruised and bewildered
In the mud
Mar 25, 2023
Mar 25, 2023 at 10:58 AM UTC
One day
I'll break open a bottle of champagne
And look back on all this
Like a crazy story
Something that happened to
Someone else
A stranger
A different life I left in a pile of
Ash
But today
I'm hurling myself off a cliff
Not knowing if I'll sprout wings
Or crash
Mar 18, 2023
Mar 18, 2023 at 1:05 PM UTC
I will keep crossing out
The tender lines
And the soft words
And all the evidence of how badly
I just want to be seen
So that I can keep lying to myself
I am playacting a version of me
Whose heart doesn't jump for anyone
And doesn't ache to be gathered close
And if I can just keep on pretending
Maybe one day
It will be true
Mar 14, 2023
Mar 14, 2023 at 12:40 PM UTC
I have always told my troubles to the moon
Offered up saltwater sacrifice
That I might learn how to face the light of day
Unafraid
Each sunrise would find me fitful
Restless with an ache I didn't know how to soothe
Stumbling and shrinking and
Cowed by the weight of expectation
When I was ready to open my very veins to the night
The moon insisted
I stop making sacrifices alone in the dark
Under her watch
I suddenly heard the relentless ticking of every clock
Felt it rattling my bones
Like a warning
I had let fear throttle me
Until days dragged by like a prison sentence
And some hidden, untamed part of me
Finally lashed out at the leash leading me to the gallows
Throat raw
Nails ragged
Heart racing towards the wildness that had not abandoned me
I stood defiant in the sunlight
And dared anyone to try to break me
Again
Mar 7, 2023
Mar 7, 2023 at 7:23 AM UTC