i cant remember the day when i
stopped thinking in poems.
when i stopped wondering
why my life is how it is.
dumb and dumber
numb and number
nothing that belongs to you
belongs to me;
you are your own
and so
you could never be mine
i cant find the things i dreamt about
i cant find the fuel to dream
Jul 30, 2019
Jul 30, 2019 at 11:01 PM UTC
*******
i thought i already knew what it felt like
to lose someone forever.
and yet, i still sit here shellshocked
stunned.
in my mind i imagine
the crunch of metal
grinding in my ears
over and over.
you were probably
asleep in the backseat.
one moment, dreaming
the next,
gone.
last year
i lost a bet with you
"you have to go out
to get hotpot with me
at least once"
you said.
last week
you told me
you weren't feeling so well
-- not sick --
just sad.
and though you mentioned
suicide,
you brushed it off
"nah you're right,
we haven't gotten hotpot yet.
i can't just die"
but then you did.
last night
at 5:20pm
you texted me
"this car ride is so longgggg
i made a meme
do u wanna see it"
i didn't respond until
the next day,
but last night
by 6:47pm
you were already gone.
and i sit here now
in the steam of hotpot for two,
hands pressed against my eyes
i can feel my eyelids trembling
bitter bitter tears dripping
into the broth.
but it makes no difference to me.
hotpot will always
always
be bitter
without you
May 30, 2019
May 30, 2019 at 2:22 PM UTC
your breath brushes
my skin
soft soft soft
like your hair
like my thighs.
and as we sigh in sync
everything feels right enough
for me to forget the loneliness
that led me to you
in the first place.
lying under strings of lights
breathing in time with you
i could sleep here
forever.
as long as forever means
just for tonight
May 6, 2019
May 6, 2019 at 5:08 AM UTC
it's for the best
before you
i never understood why
people hold onto the things
that hurt them most.
i put you above myself
and through the pain
i told myself it was for the best
my mind was a sieve
every drop of anger felt
but easily washed away
to reveal the broken love remaining:
too large to let go
i don't regret us
but i've come to terms with
the fact that
i cannot blame myself for our end.
i cannot blame myself
for loving
even though it hurt me
in need of catharsis
how can i let go of something
i've spent so long cherishing?
as i let go of you it will hurt
but this time when it hurts
this time
i will not be wrong to say
this hurt is for the best
Dec 12, 2018
Dec 12, 2018 at 3:10 AM UTC
funny how something
i thought would feel liberating
has me shackled tighter
than ever
i'd been seething
with anger and disappointment
sorrow, exhaustion
but with the burner extinguished
now im emptier than before
do you ever drip tears
of lead
of mercury?
heavy metals that
carve tracks in your face
as you
carve someone out of your life
existing is exhausting
Dec 9, 2018
Dec 9, 2018 at 4:53 AM UTC
i spent so many seconds
bled into minutes
into hours
into days
thinking of you
what hurts most
is that i know you haven’t done the same.
somewhere out there
you sleep
untroubled
the sun is coming up
and my blistering eyes can barely
stand to see it.
i’ve gone blind
looking for what we used to be
even when i sleep
when i dream
of you still caring
i just want to wake up.
i want the dreams to end.
it hurts to face
what i can’t have
in this rubble
i see pieces of us
and i pick them up even though
i don’t know what i’ll do with them.
the glue that held them together
is so very gone
Nov 24, 2018
Nov 24, 2018 at 5:39 AM UTC
don’t quite understand
can’t quite understand
anything
it’s like when you take a staged picture
everyone is smiling
click
flash
the picture is taken.
within a moment
everyone’s smile drops
where did we go wrong?
i want so badly
so so badly
for us to be worth it.
all signs point to no
and yet i persist
a fish swimming against the current
too weak to overcome the flow
too weak to let go and turn around
tonight
i can only hope
our time together meant something
to you.
that i’m not alone in thinking
what we had was special.
that i am not alone
Nov 24, 2018
Nov 24, 2018 at 5:23 AM UTC
i search for memories buried under
miles of debris and find
that i remember i was happy once.
i scour my memories so hard until i can
no longer tell if my hands are bleeding
blood or rust.
this is where i realize that i do not
remember what happiness feels like.
is it more depressing to have never
been happy,
or to know you were happy once
without knowing
what it meant
what it was
what it felt like
that you'd lose it . . .
Jan 27, 2017
Jan 27, 2017 at 12:51 AM UTC