After multiple traumatic relationships,
years of cynically happy single-ness,
and a series of mismatched puzzle pieces...
No gesture,
promise,
or amount of time
will ever render me accustomed to saying,
"I love you,"
and hearing,
"I love you, too."
Feb 15, 2022
Feb 15, 2022 at 11:10 PM UTC
My mind is tired
from the marathons it’s been running
around my head,
trying to make sense of a society
so hell bent on hating one another
under the guise of Christianity.
You think everything is black or white,
right or wrong,
conspiracy or honesty,
when the God I know can’t work that way.
Send me to sleep tonight
without a prayer,
because I don’t know what to ask for anymore.
For now,
I’m content with the bed I’ve made
deep within sheets of grey.
Aug 16, 2021
Aug 16, 2021 at 9:11 PM UTC
If I were a chapter
in a book of relationships,
my title would be
“The Learning Experience.”
Feb 2, 2021
Feb 2, 2021 at 11:59 AM UTC
I used to do anything to drown out the silence,
a silence that cradled every missed opportunity,
the bad timing, and the ache that accompanied it.
I have tried to build many sculptures on top of the faith
that gets me out of my bed sheets every morning,
each work more beautiful than the one preceding,
but too often it’s either left a swollen mound
with a fist imprinted upon it,
or I run out of clay,
trying to cement the shattered pieces back together.
My worth is not a broken promise
nor a plea to be bargained.
I am not a locked, teenage diary
for which you have to find the key.
My skin is the cover of hardback book –
strong, durable, thick.
I may seem daunting or closed off,
but open me,
and I’ll spill countless words full of the
stories and life experiences I wish to share with you.
All you have to do is ask.
Lately, the silence feels like home,
a place where I can exist peacefully
without desires or expectations.
I used to find my enemies here;
They nearly strangled me.
Today I’m enamored with my own ability
to not only survive,
but live,
without trying to find the reset button.
For now I’ll reside here
until I can figure out how to finish a piece of art.
Dec 22, 2020
Dec 22, 2020 at 10:44 PM UTC
There are certain lessons I’ve had to relearn
a million times in my life,
the greatest of which is that
I am not my trauma.
Dec 10, 2020
Dec 10, 2020 at 12:46 AM UTC
It’s been a rough year– especially this month and, furthermore, this week–
but there is a single, irrelevant moment that my brain has been playing on repeat:
You were making dinner in the kitchen, music saturating the room –
most likely some smooth jazz ballad you’ve crooned a million times –
and you took a break from the stove to try to dance with me.
Embarrassed by my inability to dance socially without being awkward,
I swindled my way out with an excursion to the bathroom.
There aren’t many things I would change about the last few months…
not the inebriated tears I couldn’t trap behind my eyes,
nor the hours I spent listening to you ramble on about
everything that excites you,
which is everything.
It’s the simplest moment I regret the most…
I just wish I would have danced with you.
Nov 22, 2020
Nov 22, 2020 at 12:15 AM UTC
I used to start fires with gasoline, sometimes with caution and other times in haste. Either way, the quickest light of a match could smother my darkness with light. I had myself convinced it was so much easier that way, a routine way to manage my soul. It took me a little too long to realize my burns were caused by my own explosions.
I’ve learned to appreciate the slow kind of burn, the smallest smolder that gives way for your sight, the lingering echo of crackling power, and the fragrant tenacity in a glow that grows. The beauty of a flame is that it has the ability to ignite other fires without diminishing its own. My only wish is that we as humans could figure out how to do the same.
For now, all I know is that a single spark can ignite the flame, and the smallest, most seemingly insignificant flame, can light fireworks across the sky in celebrations and calls for support. I just hope no one summons the rain clouds before then.
Nov 20, 2020
Nov 20, 2020 at 12:42 AM UTC
There are little moments
I would do differently
if I had the ability,
moments whose memories create obstacles
for me to trip over,
obstacles like
my past
or anxiety
or my insecurities in myself.
I can’t blame them for the fall,
but I can tell you
I’m learning how to dodge them.
Nov 9, 2020
Nov 9, 2020 at 9:38 AM UTC
Your eyes greet mine with unsettling enthusiasm,
their gaze beginning a dance that pirouettes around my chest,
strokes my rib cage, and caresses my waist
until they linger at my hips for a little too long.
I see the corners of your mouth begin to turn.
A sly smile emerges from your lips,
but before any derogatory lyrics sneak through your teeth,
I look away, begin walking, and breathe silently
until my muscles relax from their quiet shivers,
and my heart rhythm slows to a steady beat,
hand still clenching the pepper spray anyway.
Oct 23, 2020
Oct 23, 2020 at 8:41 PM UTC
Hi, I’m Kairee.
I have anxiety sometimes.
But am I really allowed to say that
if I’ve never sought help for it?
I googled the definition of “anxiety” today.
Google told me it’s self-diagnosable.
That reassured me.
To be honest,
I want help,
but mental health isn’t so important to our society,
and my insurance won’t cover it.
I can’t afford a hundred dollar appointment
once a week or every other week,
especially if it’s going to take months
or years
to crack me open.
Basically,
when a piece
or many pieces
of my life feel out of my control,
I can’t breathe.
I feel like everything inside me is going to explode.
I feel crazy.
I need something to latch onto
to stop my head from spinning.
That thing is usually work.
Today,
I went to work.
And now I feel okay.
I guess that will continue
until the next time this happens.
Sep 21, 2020
Sep 21, 2020 at 10:24 PM UTC