kaiha-taylora-alexis-bertollin
Italian
I have recently rediscovered writing. With age, and time, I find the only constant is change. My name is Kaiha, I am a 26 year old woman finding peace on paper yet again. These are my truths and my lies, my good, my bad, my reality, my make-believe... my freed and burdensome thoughts.
You will not get to know me that way. . . I am truely sorry, but I have no games to play- I am an open book without a single ounce of shame. And I will not be another lessoned learned. I cannot take back my yesterdays or press stop to rewind- I cannot give you tomorrow it's just a lie we all use to get off- it's like unconditional... ya, it's just mostly made up.
So please just keep away from me. Your hopefull eyes make my stomach turn and my ******* head ache. You're just the random blanket I pulled from a forgotten closet shelf- You keep me warm for an hour at best.
Don't get mad as I shrug you off me, watching as you hit the floor. Did you think I'd fold you up nicely, put you back as you were?
Aww, its ok, really, dry your eyes... but not on me- not this time. We have all been there; we have all been that sad girl. Everyone gets a turn didnt you know? unfortunetly this time it's yours.
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 8:25 AM UTC
I am exhausted, tired to my very bone, I am weak from not eating. My muscles are sore-my knots bundled tight… I do not have much to give and for the first time- I do not have much fight.
I have this bad habit of seeing what I want- being blinded by that smile- the one she gives me that curves my mouth at the slightest thought or touch… instead of seeing that person or situation for exactly what it was- and I am just simply… not what she wants.
And I am not going to say it doesn’t hurt- because it does- it hurts more than I thought it would. Do you owe me something? How about a proper good bye- Do you owe me something? Alright fair enough- No baby you owe me nothing- my mistake, I thought you were my friend, although I still believe you to be- you just have a complicated way of showing me at times.
and ok I admit it, maybe I know nothing and my intuition ******* ***** but I did not know friend’s kissed like this… do all your friends make you wet, sweat and call their names like this? Last time I checked I did not touch my friends like this.
I wanted you to be more, because I was starting to care more- normally you do not shrug off my feelings or my touch, but last night you did and now somehow my feelings are not allowed and this situation is my fault- or at least it feels that way… and you were wrong I did not sleep at all.
And maybe I am missing something- after all I cannot see things through your eyes- but I am willing to listen if you would be willing to have me hear your side- like I have told you before I am not passive- I feel and when I am hurt impulse gets the best of me - but it doesn’t mean my wounds will not heal- it doesn’t mean I have changed my mind- or you mean anything less to me… it’s just my defense because I do not want you to see how badly not saying good bye hurt me.
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 8:10 AM UTC
When I find someone who makes me smile it's hard, but I understand why you go. I am a dirt bag, the lowest of lows. Im just trying to keep this smile you bring, like I said it's hard but I will let you leave.
I want a taste of passion biting on the edge of bliss, waking up to that smile and living for that one girls kiss. These moments I share might as well be a pebble in water, at first the ripples are close and then they grow farther and farther.
Your actions speek loud, louder than your words, but then again you don't say much, you have no voice to be heard.
So what am I to act on? My telepathy and assumption? Alright girl I know women and I am good at that game, but please remember I never asked to play. I just want you to be blunt and admit you don't know what you are doing but your not going to stop because you think I am worth knowing
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 8:08 AM UTC
I have watched the destruction you cause at every turn
Sneaking about like a diseased rodent in the night
Rummaging through all your neighbor’s trash
Whispering half truths, manipulating all those around you.
Of course you hide your ill intent you greedy *****
You do not care about her
You just cannot bare to lose
Not giving a **** who you make miserable
As long as they end up showing their ***
Becoming just as ugly as you.
What a sad sight you are,
Treating the wrong girl second best,
What a dumb ******* *****
Oops you don’t like that word,
Well guess what I don’t give a ****
You ruin people, leaving your stench under their skin
Even more like a leech ******* dry its host
Leaving her victims exhausted,
Hearts broker beyond repair
Nothing left except one night stands in the darkest of bars
Void of feeling anything for anyone who might actually care…
yes... selfish, dumb ***** embodies everything about you.
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 8:06 AM UTC
Can you give me one look of recognition
Just one kind word, how about a statement-
yes I believe in you.
Your not so young dad, like that old dog
fixed in your ways, you are still my papa bear
will I ever be your shiny perfect girl?
your eyes so proud
color now darken with distain
your voice is heavy
and your words hindering
making my heart break
i know you do not understand
the choices that I make
this is my life dad for me there is no other way
I’m good at a lot of things
most I learned from you
I can make them laugh dad,
tell a story like the truth, I can build things with my hands
yes I am just like you
I could write the sweetest words
or words to take your breath,
I can get real angry, wound you to the core
yeah dad I’m just as passionate about
writing as you are about your sword.
I love-
love women and things your
mind will never except
but for me, I just simply cannot go back
you did however make me miss a step
this is where I’m different I’m not afraid
of heights or the fall dad, I can get back up
I have learned to stand on my own
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 8:04 AM UTC
We both keep saying we are not girlfriend kind of girls... both afraid to be anything but first choice -
wanting to be pursued- to be treated with respect, yes we want to be number one and treated like the best.
So what if I told you I'd do my best to keep the smiles coming, nights filled with thrills and heat, a touch so passionate it keeps you ******* emotion's simple conversation fun and witty, plus arms strong enough to hold you making sure you sleep easy. How close would you let me get, how deep inside you would you allow me to go? what if I said I wanted all of you and in return i'd let down my guard and give you my heart?
I have to be honest I knew there was something about you, I just didnt know exactly what; but now im at your disposal and i must admit its been nothing but fun. Im still not sure what we are trying to accomplish. Its plain to see we are definitely not thinking.
The only thing I know is I do not want it to end, infact maybe we have lost our minds- but let me tell you, i am ok with it… or just maybe we had to go through them to meet and this is the way it was supposed to be- I really dont care, either way is just fine, as long we keep ending up in each others arms… yes that will do nice.
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 8:00 AM UTC
I am going to focus
I am going to get it right
I want you, but just know
I dont need you in my life.
I feel good and I am seeing clear
just how much I dont actually want
you here.
I am the one you neglect
like that book on the shelf
yeah i've been meaning to read it,
not today, but the next.
I am filled with pages
waiting to be opened and read
with blank ones tucked away in the back
ready to be filled in.
This book's story is someones favorite read
it might not be of your taste
filled with adventures and a romantic twist
just another something you have never read
so you'll pass me along
until I find a bed stand to hold me up strong
,my pages loosened from being read
over and over again.
I thought I was falling apart
but now I see I am just begining to
lead and start.
Start a new direction
one of my own making
with endless possibilities and roads to travel
for the taking.
I want it all, to live to the fullest
I am going to travel
I am going to be fearless.
And if love finds me again
I am going to take it
Feel it down to my bones
Never holding back or thinking of a regretful past.
I am going to go
I am going to do it all
I am going to fly so high that I reach the star's
taking back my heart and giving it to myself
there i will keep it and treat it with respect.
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 7:56 AM UTC
When he looks at me, I know he's looking past and imaging someone eles face...
Not because he doesn't love me, but the darkness of his mind knows its wrong and heats him up, to **** me and think of her or him...
Bad, so bad, he doesn't denie himself pleasure...
something I used to admire...
Now it smothers my heart, blue and bleeding waiting for him to see how he kills me slowly with just a look from his lieing green eyes.
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 7:53 AM UTC
Why when you know, the same thing will happen to you... do we subject ourselves to leason's already learned, roads you have already walked? Why do we live it over and over again until you no longer learn from it ?Whens its burned into your flesh as a map that you just retrace beacuse you don't know how to do anything eles. How do you learn the truth? Stop the cycle? He's lieing, i know he is, i knew he would, and still i fought for him. I hurt someone i loved and cared about, my friend... For what? to take on his shity fantasy, to know when he lies,and to turn the other way? to carry the weight of his faults and have them passed on to be my own? Tuesday i go to remove you completely from my body and wash away the stain you have left inside my womb. I walk away from you, the walking dead, you will not be the end of my heart!I am the mother ******* pheinox and you are just the ashes, that i leave behind at my feet. Your sickness stops with me.
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 7:52 AM UTC
We walk down the road. You left her behind to talk with me. I put the world off to talk with you. We sit under the tree's and breath the other in. We look at the other with the possibility hanging over our heads. We talk of life and love, but we never cross that line.
We walk on...
At first it was to much. I tried to swallow my feelings. I finally broke, and wrote it all down in a letter. You gave it back to me and it broke my heart. You did not even speak of it. I trusted you enough to let you into my head, my heart. To see all my truths, to see me. I woke up the next day and I was over you.
We walk on...
The days grow cold and life is taking its tole's. I am dealing with checking off my list and doing the things I say I am going to do. You try to sort your feelings of not being in love and staying unhappy or being alone.
We walk on...
With time its hard not to question life. Why things happen the way they happen? I know life is too short to question what we can not change. The point is we can change if we let go of fear.
We walk on...
I sit with you and we talk of the passing time. "Life is full of moments, to take the time to enjoy them, that's what life is all about", you say to me. I node my head in agreement and say "You are my dearest friend and I love you.'Lets not talk of life or love today." You smile and ask "Why?" I look at your face and touch your cheek. "Because the world owes us nothing, but we owe the world to each other." I pause, wanting nothing more than to kiss her. I push down the urdge and begin to speak,"Maybe things are just how they should be. Lets just enjoy this moment as friends and let it set in as a day we will always remember." You smile and take my hand. We lay back and watch the wind tease the tree's.
We walk on...
Aug 26, 2011
Aug 26, 2011 at 7:47 AM UTC