I think I forgot how to think
School makes me thoughtless
lifeless
tongueless
numb and faceless
legs tingling
do you think you can stand up?
I think I'm only made up of thoughts, is that possible?
I wish I'd done everything different.
I regret so much
If I had made better choices
my health wouldn't be as bad
can't they make a drug to make me human again
make me walk
fill my lungs
fill me with blood
deep, red and thick
energy like a kid
happiness like its my first day
no hesitation
legs tingling
I don't think I can stand up
Sep 20, 2013
Sep 20, 2013 at 6:25 PM UTC
What if I plunge into the sea so nothing can bother me?
soft floating
candy covered sun
wouldn't it be sweet
to move in slow motion
through time and sand
through ocean and blue
my soul is the same, but my personality is different
where did everything change me?
they kidnapped my body
put a virus in
and now throaty sounds
sweet smiles is all I make
wheres the sea?
Sep 20, 2013
Sep 20, 2013 at 4:56 PM UTC
Not everything is in past tense yet.
Viewers have come and gone but the church is almost full and we sit tight.
I know moms mind runs with memories
she tells us in the car.
too tall for life.
too big to lose.
the preacher said
45 to 2.
and the car crash
spinning glass
Johnny flew out the window
Steve couldn’t speak for weeks
The other boy didn’t die in that car crash
Another one
on the road out of port deposit
his leather belt was all they found
a stern warning to us all. Don’t drive too fast. This life will stop you short. too short.
I think they all would have survived, happy together
if there was no car crash.
no noon call
no bloodied limbs
torn flesh and empty bodies.
No “this is the biggest funeral we’ve ever seen” and state police escort to the cemetery.
No stuffing foods down moms throat and too many strangers in her home.
They would have all survived.
in spite of pop pop
nanny
together but separate.
Mom remembers when he came into her room
livid
she got close to the 4 pained window
if he reached out and stung her sweating skin she was gonna bust out that glass and touch the sky.
But instead I haven’t seen my cousins in 20 years
my whole life
and today, despite the tears and tongue crunching agony, there’s stories of the happy through the tears times.
So the preacher finishes with stories of her
too much love to live
too much faith to finish
Nanny
always Nanny
But until we meet.
We’ll make you proud.
you and mom
dust to dust
ashes to ashes
I hold the faces of the past in my blood
You keep me pumping
you keep me pushing
despite tears and tongue crushing agony
despite too broad grins and sunshine in summer joy
Aug 20, 2013
Aug 20, 2013 at 8:29 PM UTC
Blue
deep
and
light
Blue
I
sink
into
you
Blue
beauty
late
under
everything
Blue
I could swim for an eternity
as the sky changed from light to dark, a thousand times over.
The sun warming just the surface as I climb around down here.
The clouds cushion the foam but I rest on sand.
Each nuggett burrowing into my flesh
needling my bones
I can’t find my way up, now that I have to leave.
The blue wants me down here now too.
lethargic
calm
fried by the sun
cushioned by the clouds
I melt
into the blue
Aug 20, 2013
Aug 20, 2013 at 8:29 PM UTC
hazy mind fog
a delicious grin
and now I finally know what
"high off you" means
I couldn’t put together a sentence if I tried
and
when your tongue plunged into me and I sighed
I lost all feeling in my toes
pins and needles
pain and joy
and I’m rolling up and down like a water bed
You settle into me and I
settle into you
Aug 20, 2013
Aug 20, 2013 at 8:29 PM UTC
I build houses wherever I can. I collect them like rain in my hand. I build them down in the valleys and up in the hills. On the beach and in the street. But only for the thrill.
I love building houses, I simply can’t have a favorite. But what I hate the most is when I get a house built, this boy comes along and tears them down. I scream and yell for him to stop. It’s my house you’re destroying! I tell him how beautiful the house is and how I could never build another. But he just leaves a pile of rubble.
So I’ve started tearing down my own houses, when they’re almost finished. Right before they’re complete. This time it’s me who removes the mortar and bashes in the bricks. No more boy tearing into my castles.
I will be the one who destroys them, I will be the one who builds the next. You will never be close to my castles boy, you will never consume my bricks.
Aug 18, 2013
Aug 18, 2013 at 1:02 PM UTC
I hope you think of us as much as I think of you. I hope we’re the first image when you wake up and when you shut your eyes. Peace be ****** I hope you hear my voice. I hope your body is sore from wanting to hug me. Your bones break at no affection. I hope your tormented as much as I am.
You will never define me, despite everything. I know I’m better off without you. But you still swing high in the noose of my mind. I lynched you a million times but saved you before you could hit the floor and I could hear the snap of your neck and see the crack of that rope.
I hate that you’re the only one on this earth I get. I wonder, if I had another, how would it go? Daddy, I can’t stand to say that “I love you.”
Aug 18, 2013
Aug 18, 2013 at 1:02 PM UTC
Tears running down like they have feet. Tongue out caught them like snowflakes that just won’t dissolve.
My throat is rough like I spent last night busy.
Those words suspended in the cavern of my mouth. Echoing but hardly making it out. Pull on those words till that choke comes through my chest. Pipe cleaner in my throat, swallow it and swirl it around.
The clog comes out.
The porcelain cracks into a smile and I told you I just wanted you to be happy, even if that wasn’t with me.
What horse ****
Aug 18, 2013
Aug 18, 2013 at 1:01 PM UTC
I’ve yet to catch my breath since I got here, and I got to you, wrapped up under and between you.
You were warmer than me, and kept me out of the night air. There, that first night with you, that first arm wrapped around me. Buried me in close and I didn’t want to go.
Oct 20, 2012
Oct 20, 2012 at 9:03 PM UTC
Where are those diamond rings you all promised me? By this time I should have mountains, and rivers overflowing.
Where are those stars you all promised to bring down for me? Those moons you all promised to make me mine.
I suppose you forgot the same way I did your name, your face, your figure. I lie still now, no more tangled in sheets, no more tangled in you. Just matted in strips. Just tangled in me. Only ever me.
Did fog cover that sky?
Did snow cover that road?
Did rain drown your lungs?
Can’t you swim?
You couldn’t wrestle that shooting star down, even for me?
Why that’s a real shame…
Oct 20, 2012
Oct 20, 2012 at 8:54 PM UTC