I've been a mat
I've been walked on.
I've been a door ****
Everyone got a turn to use me.
I held onto the light in my life you held
But now I tell the darkness I'm coming home.
The fire in my soul like a bomb about to blow.
The nuclear reactor of everything I've stored inside is going critical.
I can feel the crack in my poor cracking sanity expanding.
I'm breaking the spell
I'm releasing a breathe of subservient pain
And breathing in the deadly air of change
How's it feel to have my foot on your throat?
Come now don't turn purple so easily!
Say goodbye to all the world.
Tonight's your funeral party!
You see I've died on the inside,
Or really I'm finally alive!
Don't act so surprised,
You made me a victim,
And now
Well now
I'm you
No I'm better
I'm a villain
Apr 1, 2014
Apr 1, 2014 at 11:03 PM UTC
I'm standing at a crossroad
I've stood somewhere similar before
But never one of this magnitude
Like staring death in the eye.
I've always been the kind of man to die alone
I love them but they'd leave me
So I'm touched by nothing anymore
A stonewall of a man.
I'm broken and tired
It's hard to have faith in someone
When you've been loyal to no one but yourself
A rogue knight in a chess game.
I'm standing again in a meeting of choices
Option like poison that all take me a different way
But inevitably to the same place
Or close enough.
I'm taking my time this time
Time that I don't have to think
Love one way
Happiness another
And finally Freedom
Each as caustic as the last
Love.
A poison but a **** good
The ******* of my options
Happiness.
Butterflies and rainbows
or really violence and ***** for me
a lovely ******
Freedom.
My own life of my choices
No tether or chain
A free floating **** in the air.
They all sound as good as the last.
But I'm stuck here.
I
Am
Lost
And
I
Will
Have
To
Lose
Myself
More
I'm standing at a crossroad
I'm lost and broken
I'm standing at a crossroad
a man with nothing to lose
I'm standing at a crossroad.
I pick that one.
I'm leaving a crossroad
alone and broken
I'm lost but hopeful
To the future I walk
Mar 25, 2014
Mar 25, 2014 at 4:20 PM UTC
I guess you could call this a flashback
Maybe even a lament
Sleepless nights always drag out my inner demons in the subtle madness of complete silence
Then again my memories are always hazy until I reach that point
The point where I ripped off my angel wings and fell from cloud nine
I guess really it’s not a lament more an old broken duct tape together soul trying to teach those around him who are following a path he had drag himself out of
Their experiencing the release of powdered heave
Their loving the absolute embrace of pixie pills
Their caught in the web of grass that twists on the pearly gates
Their living what I already almost died trying
Like Icarus I flew too high and came crashing to the earth.
But at that point I was no longer living with angel wings
I was crawling around with devil feathers then
I was selling my soul to a needle filled with the most emulsifying and weight lifting crude toxin I could get a finger on
And like a weight I came crashing down one day awoken by a beggar merely happy to see me alive
I guess what I really mean to say is I’m tired of hearing that all these wonderful poisons aren’t addicting
You become like a bird hardly ever wanting to set foot on the ground
The grass in the clouds is gnarled and vindictive trapping you to it like a spider web
The angel dust like pixie dust lets you fly but confines you in thorns and splinters when you can’t
The sweet nectar of hand held doses may break your chains but only at the cost of a choke collar tied to the release itself
And when all these magic paradise inducing chemicals don’t work they turn to the most caustic vial venom the world can find
An injectable heaven that leaves them a dying husk of who they were.
So I was wrong it is a lament but at the same time its me trying to preach
I know I’m the ***** sweating in church
I know I’m the recovered addicted who never asked for help
I know I’m the happy supportive psychopath
Trust me when I say I know I’m weird one of a kind human being
So I beg of you to listen to my learned wisdom from playing on cloud nine
But you don’t
You won’t listen you think you know it all
But
You haven’t walked down the rabbit hole as far as I have
You haven’t played chess with the devil for the next flight to cloud nine
I know I seem like one big conundrum of hypocrisy
Preaching what I already did
But the reason I seem like that to some of you is simple
It’s because I’m preaching what you don’t want to hear
Now im not going to make you listen
Though you should
On those long sleepless nights when the sweet velvet like call of angel wings whisper to you please ignore them
I know it’s a brutal thing to deny what’s like heaven itself but please I beg you not to follow the mistakes I’ve made.
Don’t resort to other reliefs like another warm body or a bottle of fire water
Just keep strong
I have seen the pits of addiction
I’ve done many a things I will never forgive myself for
So from a ruined tattered soul like myself please heed my warning
The leaves of the tree of life only go so far
The dust of enlightenment is not permanent
And the magic pills won’t send you up the bean stock forever
Stop pretending to fly above the world and instead embrace those around you
Before you wind up like me scrambling to save a dying *****
While fighting to find your family and friends again
Leave the toxins, chemicals, and venom behind they only leave you to rot inside the shell you once called your mind.
Jan 30, 2014
Jan 30, 2014 at 12:03 AM UTC
I'm going away
Far far away
Because I need assurance
I need to know I won't be like y'all
I need to know I won't hit the bottle to mask my rage
I need to know that I am not bound to you
I need you to know I am not your child
I want you to know I am my own self
My mother was a Realtor selling what we could never have
My father was a detective finding his own evil in the world
My sister's were ****** for attention grasping at what they wanted
In a house built for the tainted life that tailored the world through sadism
I grew up there
Hiding when they swam to the bottom of the liquor hole.
I watched in the house of sin and regret the atrocities of alcohol
I watched them sow the seeds of their dreams into their children's brains
I would never be their field though
The meadow of my mind is my own
I live isolated and alone in that house
But I have begun my leave
I have begun to pave my own road and walk it
I will walk away from sin
And never return to that house of regret
Nov 30, 2013
Nov 30, 2013 at 10:54 PM UTC
I am not always a vicious *******
I do not hold claim to normalcy
I am not tied down to rationality
I may not be you
I may never be
But I am not vicious
Normally I am not
But when I am provoked
When I am pushed and I do not catch myself
When the medicine is not locking me into place
When I have no care for control
I can be vicious
I will be vicious
I am not a mean person
I am not a brute
I am not always cynical
But when you are as vile as *****
I am as vicious as a snake
You embody the essence of vileness
You are caustic and corrosive
A cyanide to all around you
You are a cactus with cynical hate dripping from your spines
You are more vile than any villain
I am vicious when provoked
And you have provoked me
Nov 13, 2013
Nov 13, 2013 at 8:56 AM UTC
We've climbed this mountain
A mountain of homework and back stabber
We may not have climbed together for all of it
But we climbed together side by side now
All the people trying to tear us down or drag us off
But we won't let the other fall we keep each other on the path
We've climbed this mountain
We can see the end
But our enemies can see us
So near the top we threaten them
They take aim attempting to knock us off
Insults and snide remarks fly at us like bullets
Violence always creeping towards us a dog of war
We have been civil far to long to these brutes of failure
We strike back now
The harder they hit us the harder we hit back
The mountain of high school is almost over we're not falling now
Take aim my brother with your ****** rifle aimed at their deepest weakness
Locked and loaded to tear them apart in front of everyone
To rip their heart out for all to see
Don't worry I've got your back
My machine gun of cynical secrets gleaming for support.
They won't drag us down
They can't pull us back down
We're at the top and moving on from this high school warfare
Nov 7, 2013
Nov 7, 2013 at 4:12 PM UTC
You've been pushed down enough
Stop laying there it's rough
I know, manage it
At least stand for yourself
Revolt against the ground that holds you
Stop standing and swallowing pills
You've been suppressed long enough
Reality is a flag for the medication
Go ahead and float into your own mind
Start your revolution against reality
Push back again and again
Stand on your own feet
Throw up the pill
Push off the ground
Push back
Fight back
Have your pride
Have your Freedom
Have a life
Have your own life
Nov 7, 2013
Nov 7, 2013 at 12:04 AM UTC
When looking for love leave no stone unturned
When fighting for what you want be an animal viscous and strong
When all the odds are against you keep at it
When looking for love don't forget sometimes it finds you
While you're searching don't forget to stop and looking around it maybe right next to you
When fighting for love make sure you're happy
When the odds are against you make sure the odds aren't trying to help you
When looking for love time is the best healer and tool
Time does not mean wait on them
That's not love
That's lust
Love isn't one persons job it's boths job
Love can't be a princess waiting on a knight
Sometimes that knight just snuck by the dragon so it'll fight their demons
Meet them halfway and see what real love is
Meet them in battle and help each other win
Meet them in hell and climb out side by side
Meet them in happiness and find happiness
When searching for love you must try
You must be able to walk fight and trust them
When searching for love search for a companion not a lover
Nov 4, 2013
Nov 4, 2013 at 1:16 AM UTC
No matter how many pills
No matter how strong
No matter the cocktail of meds
I can't seem to be who they want.
I can't be the ideal human
I can't be that model of society
I can't bring myself to swallow their rules
I can't stand up and swallow their pills any longer
I know what they want from me
I know how they want me
I know what everyone wants
Everyone but me
You know what its like
Depression dragging behind you all day
The psychopath in you screaming to gain reigns
The crazy illusions as schizophrenia settles in
The lack of anything as the sociopath wraps you in a blanket
The madness that you've grown to love
As it all slowly takes you your handed a cup with a pill
It is the cage to keep your mind as it is alive
It lets you step outside the hovel of your mind
And lock all those memories and screaming away
A new you
Is it really you anymore
Our reason is based upon who we've grown up as
Why can't we think how we were made too
Why are we to blame when we didn't raise ourselves
The key to your mind was and will never be the pills
The medicine is just a cage to mold you how they want us
The key to our happiness is and will always be ourselves
Its in all of our minds
That sickening depression do what relieves it
The psychopathic beast inside unleash it
The schizophrenic visions embrace them
The lack of humanity that blankets your mind
Let yourself do as your supposed
No one in this world can make you happy all the time
No one but ourselves
We are our own master of mind.
If reason doesn't suit you release it.
Madness is like a comforter when you wake up on a cold day
It will keep you happy and healthy
Accept the medicine if you want reality
If reality even with the cage isn't comfortable come with me
Dance in the madness of anarchy
Let your mind run free
Let yourself be who you were born to be
Oct 23, 2013
Oct 23, 2013 at 9:04 AM UTC
After it all I still hurt
After it ended i cried
I can't live without you
You can't live without me
When can I have you again?
I need you
The suspense has me in a slipknot at the gallows
I need you
I don't want to be part of loves body count
I want you to be with me
I need you
No one else
You
Forget family
Forget friends
I only need you
I only want you
No one else will fill the hole in my chest
No one but you
I need you
I need the only light in my life back
I need you back
I want you back
Please come back
I need you
Oct 17, 2013
Oct 17, 2013 at 1:48 AM UTC