jmang - Hello Poetry

I always thought of spring as a new beginning; the start of something new or the rebirthing of the fallen, like flowers in bloom after the dead, cold winter It's what you've always wanted—those cold winter months are nothing but a buffer to you and I, the unwitting victim, thought I could ever be enough for you But I'm no flower, I'm no spring I'm not a beginning or a rebirth— I am death, I am winter I am the end and the endless void I'm the buffer you only ever wanted to cling to until the cold subsides, until you can come back to your old life— in my wake, there won't be a drop of tear

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Nov 1, 2020

Nov 1, 2020 at 11:34 PM UTC

Spring / Reprise

I always thought of spring as a new beginning; the start of something new or the rebirthing of the fallen, like flowers in bloom after the dead, cold winter It's what you've always wanted—those cold winter months are nothing but a buffer to you and I, the unwitting victim, thought I could ever be enough for you But I'm no flower, I'm no spring I'm not a beginning or a rebirth— I am death, I am winter I am the end and the endless void I'm the buffer you only ever wanted to cling to until the cold subsides, until you can come back to your old life— in my wake, there won't be a drop of tear

16

Do you know how it feels to be a prisoner in your own skin? How every night the heaviness in your shoulders get worse and you have to wonder if it's because you've always had to carry your own world or if it's because of the weight of your demons Have you ever felt your self trying to burst out from under your skin? How your heart tries to claw its way out of your chest like it's been drowning for years in your own blood How your chest feels like it's going to explode How you have to stop yourself every night from trying to let it go free I may live in this body but it's no longer my home these shaky hands and lonely bones— I don't want anything to do with them Do you know how it feels? How every night I think about running away from my own skin? How, no matter how hard I run, I know that this is the only reality I'll ever have

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Aug 8, 2018

Aug 8, 2018 at 12:19 AM UTC

What I mean when I talk about self-hatred

Do you know how it feels to be a prisoner in your own skin? How every night the heaviness in your shoulders get worse and you have to wonder if it's because you've always had to carry your own world or if it's because of the weight of your demons Have you ever felt your self trying to burst out from under your skin? How your heart tries to claw its way out of your chest like it's been drowning for years in your own blood How your chest feels like it's going to explode How you have to stop yourself every night from trying to let it go free I may live in this body but it's no longer my home these shaky hands and lonely bones— I don't want anything to do with them Do you know how it feels? How every night I think about running away from my own skin? How, no matter how hard I run, I know that this is the only reality I'll ever have

16

let's run away and never look back this place isn't for us it hurts me— all these missed connections, this guarded vulnerability i never want to come back here never again— these memories i buried keep coming back to haunt me it hurts so much i can feel it in my bones i don't want to listen to the wind as it whispers all its secrets i don't want to look at this familiar town as it drips pain like honey not anymore— i want nothing to do with these blood-soaked histories let's run away— leave everything behind in this ****** town where everything hurts

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Aug 3, 2018

Aug 3, 2018 at 8:03 AM UTC

Motivated forgetting

let's run away and never look back this place isn't for us it hurts me— all these missed connections, this guarded vulnerability i never want to come back here never again— these memories i buried keep coming back to haunt me it hurts so much i can feel it in my bones i don't want to listen to the wind as it whispers all its secrets i don't want to look at this familiar town as it drips pain like honey not anymore— i want nothing to do with these blood-soaked histories let's run away— leave everything behind in this ****** town where everything hurts

20

you were the blue ocean and i was the yellow sun i didn't know what a sunset looked like— to me, it looked nothing more than my descension into ruin it was nothing more than my inevitable undoing but as i sank down, you enveloped me into your warmth i found myself less afraid, i saw it as a different kind of undoing; a serene death as i lose all life, you promised to hold me safe through the night until i can rise again at dawn, until i inevitably come back to you everyone looks on, in awe of the sunset, my aftermath, seeing beauty in my death, as i come home into your warmth

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Feb 13, 2018

Feb 13, 2018 at 5:20 PM UTC

Serendipity

you were the blue ocean and i was the yellow sun i didn't know what a sunset looked like— to me, it looked nothing more than my descension into ruin it was nothing more than my inevitable undoing but as i sank down, you enveloped me into your warmth i found myself less afraid, i saw it as a different kind of undoing; a serene death as i lose all life, you promised to hold me safe through the night until i can rise again at dawn, until i inevitably come back to you everyone looks on, in awe of the sunset, my aftermath, seeing beauty in my death, as i come home into your warmth

18

When you go inside a room that has been empty for a while, you can see the little clouds of dust float and shine as the light touches them. And for a long time you'll watch it drizzle down like an ethereal rain. Maybe you'll stop moving, or cover your mouth, or maybe you'll stare at it too long it begins to look like stars in the night sky. And you'll wait for it to settle again just so it can come undone in your hands. Jumping around to unsettle it, but it'll never really be the same as the first time you saw it. That's how you felt to me. I was the unsettled clouds of dust. And you looked at me like you couldn't believe your eyes. But that ethereal light is temporary, and once it washes away and I move away from the light, you'll begin to see me for what I am—nothing but unimportant little clouds of unsettled dust. You're going to jump around to see me suspended in mid-air, to see me shrouded by light like an ethereal being, to look at me like I'm a starry night sky. But what happens once everything settles down and I'm where I used to be? You can't jump around forever and I can't stay afloat forever.

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Jan 20, 2018

Jan 20, 2018 at 6:12 AM UTC

We can't keep pretending

When you go inside a room that has been empty for a while, you can see the little clouds of dust float and shine as the light touches them. And for a long time you'll watch it drizzle down like an ethereal rain. Maybe you'll stop moving, or cover your mouth, or maybe you'll stare at it too long it begins to look like stars in the night sky. And you'll wait for it to settle again just so it can come undone in your hands. Jumping around to unsettle it, but it'll never really be the same as the first time you saw it. That's how you felt to me. I was the unsettled clouds of dust. And you looked at me like you couldn't believe your eyes. But that ethereal light is temporary, and once it washes away and I move away from the light, you'll begin to see me for what I am—nothing but unimportant little clouds of unsettled dust. You're going to jump around to see me suspended in mid-air, to see me shrouded by light like an ethereal being, to look at me like I'm a starry night sky. But what happens once everything settles down and I'm where I used to be? You can't jump around forever and I can't stay afloat forever.

5

I'm so tired it's better to pretend that your words don't cut me even as I bleed out before you I hear you loud and clear; your words like writhing snakes in my ears and I still choose to pretend— pretending is a way of life for me, an escape, a coping method, or the only way I can live I dare you to shout at me once more or one hundred times more I stopped listening a long time ago or I pretend to, as I choke back the tears I won't cry for you you don't deserve it So I keep pretending it's the only way I can live

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Aug 19, 2017

Aug 19, 2017 at 5:08 AM UTC

8/19/2017 So I keep pretending

I'm so tired it's better to pretend that your words don't cut me even as I bleed out before you I hear you loud and clear; your words like writhing snakes in my ears and I still choose to pretend— pretending is a way of life for me, an escape, a coping method, or the only way I can live I dare you to shout at me once more or one hundred times more I stopped listening a long time ago or I pretend to, as I choke back the tears I won't cry for you you don't deserve it So I keep pretending it's the only way I can live

18

Quiet and unassuming, silently celebrating her victories Soft and warm, always loving, always unconditional Tough and dependable, and always giving her all I could list a thousand things about her but she'll probably never believe them She's going to laugh it off, but keep on loving and caring just the same She doesn't think much of herself and always puts everyone's needs before her own She loves and loves and never asks for love back Always taken for granted yet never stops and never tires And maybe I can no longer tell her everything that I should: that I love her that I always will that I'm sorry or that I'm grateful— And maybe I should learn to say these more often But I know that she's going to keep loving, all unconditional and warm and soft— and I hope that someday I'll finally be able to show her that I love her as much as she does — JM Ang

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Jun 2, 2017

Jun 2, 2017 at 9:59 AM UTC

Unassuming

Quiet and unassuming, silently celebrating her victories Soft and warm, always loving, always unconditional Tough and dependable, and always giving her all I could list a thousand things about her but she'll probably never believe them She's going to laugh it off, but keep on loving and caring just the same She doesn't think much of herself and always puts everyone's needs before her own She loves and loves and never asks for love back Always taken for granted yet never stops and never tires And maybe I can no longer tell her everything that I should: that I love her that I always will that I'm sorry or that I'm grateful— And maybe I should learn to say these more often But I know that she's going to keep loving, all unconditional and warm and soft— and I hope that someday I'll finally be able to show her that I love her as much as she does — JM Ang

28

Please give me something to hold on to For those days when I don't feel real For those days when I can’t be alone but need to be For those days when I don't feel like living Please give me your heart, Your soul, your warmth, If it isn’t too much to ask, Please give me yourself

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Oct 21, 2016

Oct 21, 2016 at 8:21 AM UTC

5/15/2015 Give me something for those days

Please give me something to hold on to For those days when I don't feel real For those days when I can’t be alone but need to be For those days when I don't feel like living Please give me your heart, Your soul, your warmth, If it isn’t too much to ask, Please give me yourself

8

The rain falls Unrelenting, unpitying Heavy droplets Drenching everything on sight The rain falls Unperturbed, unassuming Pulling on sleepy eyelids On lachrymose days like today The rain falls— Wipes away my tears Takes away my loneliness Washes away my love for you

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Oct 13, 2016

Oct 13, 2016 at 11:12 PM UTC

10/11/2016 Rain / Lachrymose

The rain falls Unrelenting, unpitying Heavy droplets Drenching everything on sight The rain falls Unperturbed, unassuming Pulling on sleepy eyelids On lachrymose days like today The rain falls— Wipes away my tears Takes away my loneliness Washes away my love for you

12

Didn’t you say that we’ll figure out this life together? Coffee in hand, talking about the good things in life Didn’t you say that I was like a soul mate to you? That you loved me, unlike anyone you’ve ever met before Didn’t you promise me that I never had to be lonely ever again? “I’m here,” you said, “I’ll always be here.” Didn’t I tell you to wait for me a little bit more? I have a distant way of loving and I’m afraid I’d push you away Where are you? Why am I drinking this too-cold coffee without you? Come back, I’m still waiting here

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Oct 10, 2016

Oct 10, 2016 at 11:53 PM UTC

9/26/2016 Where are you? I'm still waiting here

Didn’t you say that we’ll figure out this life together? Coffee in hand, talking about the good things in life Didn’t you say that I was like a soul mate to you? That you loved me, unlike anyone you’ve ever met before Didn’t you promise me that I never had to be lonely ever again? “I’m here,” you said, “I’ll always be here.” Didn’t I tell you to wait for me a little bit more? I have a distant way of loving and I’m afraid I’d push you away Where are you? Why am I drinking this too-cold coffee without you? Come back, I’m still waiting here

12