You were my first broken heart
I don’t know what was the start
I called out to you
You didn’t hear
I wanted you to love me
But here I am shedding another tear
Why do I have to beg for you?
When all that is left of you is a distant memory
I’m sick of hurting alone but it’s what I do
You were my first broken promise
I’m going to be honest
You taught me how to close my heart
If I stopped caring, I wouldn’t feel the hurt
You are why I don’t want to have a daughter
I can’t protect her from the hurt people like you can cause her
I don’t want her to see the world for the dark place it is
And the people for the selfish beings they are
You were my first disappointment
Sometimes people hurt others for their own enjoyment
I don’t want her to feel the pain of trusting someone
Then watching them walk away
Or the pain that can come from wondering why
Why she wasn’t good enough for the people that she…
Would have never given up on
You were my first dead end
I needed a love that wasn’t just pretend
I’ve tried to trust you and be fair
With everything I was, I tried not to care
But I couldn’t
I can’t
You were my first loss of innocence
Isn’t that such a coincidence?
I’ve followed a path of destruction
The one you paved for me
It doesn’t matter what I say
Regardless, you’ll still walk away
You were my First…
You are My First…
Thanks for being my First Dad
Apr 8, 2016
Apr 8, 2016 at 1:30 PM UTC
I knew I was over you when I stopped putting my phone on the loudest sound setting before going to bed to make sure I would wake up if you texted me
I knew I was over you when your name no longer came up in my recently searched on Facebook
I knew I was over you when I stopped waking up at night to check my phone for a call, text, or even a snap chat
I knew I was over you when I stopped making excuses to talk to you
I knew I was over you when I stopped asking our friends how you were doing
I knew I was over you when I finally hit that delete button and watched the last three years of my life get erased
I knew I was over you when I boxed up all of the stuff you had given me
I knew I was over you when I gave you back your t-shirt
I knew I was over you when I stopped waking up to dreams about you
I knew I was over you when our song came on the radio and I no longer had to change the station
I knew I was over you when I could look at our Facebook memories and not feel my heart break all over again
I knew I was over you when I stopped crying over what was no longer mine
I knew I was over you when I stopped imagining you regretting your decision
But most importantly...
I knew I was over you when I saw you and I no longer hated you for what you did to me but felt grateful to you for what you taught me during the time I was with you
...that's when I knew I was over you
Thank You
Dec 21, 2015
Dec 21, 2015 at 11:31 PM UTC
What is love?
Love is pain
Love is giving your all and getting nothing back
Love is the use of time on others who don't care
Love is waiting for someone to notice
Love is continuing to hold onto nothing hoping for something
Love is selfless
Love is brokenness
Love is conditional
Love is blind
love.... Love... LOVE...
LOVE HURTS!!!
But love...
Love is precious
Love is boundless
Love is the small things
Love is unmeasurable
Love is true
Love is constant
Love, real love, doesn't leave
Love may hurt, but it reminds us that we are still human
Love breaks, it bends, it molds, and it comes when we don't want it
...But love, Love is there
Love...
What is Love?
Oct 28, 2015
Oct 28, 2015 at 11:08 PM UTC
I am Tired...
Tired of being lied to
Tired of not being good enough
Tired of being second choice
Tired of this constant pool of tears behind my eyes
Tired of pretending to be ok
Tired of this mask
Tired of this smile
Tired of opening up to people
Tired of agendas
Tired of false hope
Tired of being hurt
Tired of this pain
Tired of living
...I am Tired
Oct 4, 2015
Oct 4, 2015 at 8:04 PM UTC
When did girls start becoming so self-conscious of their looks?
When did the focus shift from baby dolls and fairytales to makeup and skipping dinner?
One day we are pretending to be moms, the next day we are taking measures that could ruin our chances of being that
Scraped knees and muddy feet turn into nylons and stilettos
Girls slowly come to the realization that they must become the objects pleasing to the eyes of men if they want to get far in life
Beauty becomes a job and we put in our hours day in and day out
Our only payment becomes the compliments, the catcalls, and the brief feeling of acceptance
These are only temporary and it isn’t long before we begin to feel withdrawals of our need for acceptance
We push harder for the attention of others, but we can never measure up to that prettier girl next to us
Scrolling the Internet for remedies to make our not so soft skin softer, trying to buy the newest eyeliner to make our not so big eyes bigger, sticking our fingers down our throats to make our not so skinny waist skinnier
When will this madness end?
No matter how hard we try we can never reach perfection, someone will always seem better in our eyes
But then comes the ridicule for being “fake”
You can’t wear makeup anymore, it’s false advertising!
But when you don’t you are ridiculed for how imperfect your skin is, how small your eyes are, and how thin your lips look
Girls are made fun of for being too fat, and they are made fun of for being too skinny
Insults ranging from “Hey fatso!” to “Oh my gosh! She must have a eating disorder”
Girls get thrown into this circus, forced to walk the tightrope while the crowd shouts and throws their opinions in hopes of knocking someone off
“Come one, come all! Lets see how far she gets before she falls!”
No matter which way you go someone will root for you to fail
The little girl who dreamed of being a princess now dreams to be let out of this hell she has been put in
And one day, our daughters will have to face the same things…
Unless we fight for them
It’s time to take care of each other
A single compliment, a smile can go a long way
One day my little girl will look at me and ask
“How can I be beautiful?”
And I will answer
*“My darling, beauty isn’t defined by looks, beauty by looks is fleeting, you will be beautiful by how you find the beauty in others, you will be beautiful in the way you are respectful to those superior to you, you will be beautiful for your love for the hurting, and you will be beautiful because my darling,
God made you beautiful in your own way,
From the Inside Out”*
Jul 31, 2015
Jul 31, 2015 at 2:00 PM UTC
Innocence stripped
Purity gone
The line has been drawn
I can no longer hold my head high about the things I held dear
Willfully given, yet greedily taken without remorse
I could not say no to his force
You do anything to keep the ones you love
But I realized too late that I was drowning in a lie
If this was true love I wouldn't hurt and cry
Happiness gone
Contentment stripped
You left me here with a broken heart that couldn't be knit
I've built up my walls, good luck trying to hurt me now
Love is a battlefield and this time I'm prepared for war
Love is a gamble and I won't keep laying my cards down at your table
One day I'll look back on these days and know I learned from it
But all I've learned so far is that I can love someone to the ends of the Earth...
And they can still hurt me worse
Jun 2, 2015
Jun 2, 2015 at 3:08 PM UTC
I hate you
I hate you for what you did to me
I hate you for who I've turned into be
I hate you for leaving
But most importantly...
I hate you, because I still love you
But don't think that if you step out of my life
There won't be someone who comes to take your place
I've learned to live without the ones I love
What makes you think you're any different?
Mar 17, 2015
Mar 17, 2015 at 12:14 PM UTC
There is this unimaginable pain within my heart
The guilt and shame that has been slammed down on my shoulders
Has become too much for me to bear
Telling you about it didn’t bring closing
It just reopened the stitches
Now I am left here feeling my sorrows bleed from my skin
But there aren’t enough cuts I could carve into my flesh to drain out the shame that is kept prisoner there
Oh how I dream to be free of this filth that consumes me
As I write this, all I can think of is the way you turned your head to hide the tears from me
My heart cried out, but the sound met only my ears
For I am the only one who can understand this
The place that was supposed to be made safe for me...
Has become my worst enemy
My fear consumes me, my heart retreats to where even I cannot find it
I am left only with my broken will
But there is nowhere I can run; no place I can hide to escape the monster that is after me
The monster is one I know very well
It’s easy to see it…
I just need to look in the mirror
The monster is my reflection
The monster is me
May 15, 2014
May 15, 2014 at 2:48 PM UTC
Dear Pianist
The writer wrote
I drove to California on my own to try to get myself sad enough to write a new album
I prayed and prayed for a salve that would heal the pain in my heart
Once the wounds held together, I ripped the stitching apart seeing the blood flow from the stitching like it were a cavalry of demons in retreat, promising to leave me alone
They are liars
It’s like the Lord answered all of my prayers and I want my questions back
To search for ways, despite his grace and get my old gods back
Dear I cant pretend that I didn’t thrive off of the emptiness that I felt inside before the spirit invaded the void
Just like I asked him to, and shared with all of you
I stepped out the front door and tossed up my keys to find myself in a closet
Stuffed with all my insecurities and all the things that I’m ashamed of and every broken memory that I keep to cut my wrists
So be at vain or be at pity well I know that I still bleed and I keep the shards of mirrored glass to see my expression as I seep out onto the carpet and stain my bare feet, in a puddle that I’ll drown in 8 quarts deep. The release is never as satisfying as the promise to fix what’s been sewn.
We got bottled up like the alcohol gets bottled up and then we bottle it up in us, and I search for ways to define myself by some skeptical lack of trust, because if I can’t trust in anything, then I’m not to blame for my lack of movement, and I can abuse everyone’s pity, and I can convolute it.
When I was a little girl, my daddy told me to unclench my fists hold out my hands flat like this and pray
Like a picture of letting the Lord take my fears away but he forgot to loosen his grip when it came time to practice it, and the thought got convoluted the day he went away
I drove alone along the Western coast to try to write a poem someone could relate to I reopened every wound and bled myself dry just to try to feel the same way that I used to.
I drove past the city at night with the windows down to watch the lights and get so cold that I’m uncomfortable
You know I do it to myself
These headphones could be playing something else but we’re at the bottom of everything like the songwriter sings
And I make myself shiver until I bleed
I know every word to every song about despair, and I keep the albums on repeat to keep me there
At the cross of Christ I know that despair has been removed, that it drowns beneath the crushing weight of hope as found in you.
Will I always fall asleep to dreams of mending up my wounds, then wake to spend the day reliving every bruise for the sake of a sad song, or the sound of sweet repose.
He hit that first note and that note set me free
Well I fell in love with his sadness before he fell in love with me
But the best letters are the ones written in tears that smear the ink so he played the keys and I started writing
I wrapped that sorrow up tight like a noose around my neck, stood tall on a flimsy card table and kicked it out from underneath my legs
And I’ve been hanging in a house of cards for months on end, swinging back and forth beneath the creaking rafters with the winds everywhere
I always forgot to close the windows so that I could let in the cold knowing discomfort and disappointment were the only peace I’d ever know
I had excuse upon excuse for every broken bone, but in the end I broke them all myself to give the pain a home
Dear Pianist
I’ll love you more than you’ll ever know
I swear your smile saved my life
I swear you touch made me whole
But there is not an end to the self-condemning lies I have believed
And there is no depth that I have not known in an attempt to drown myself or set myself free to the point of pushing you away from me.
I drove the country on my own in an attempt to break my heart and I opened my heart to every fleeting hope in an attempt to fall apart
He said we fall apart and into our gods but God meets us where we are
What a thought to live a life that’s free but we are such a self-destructive bunch aren’t we
Writer you are a part of me and there is nothing you can do to set to flame the fabric that has woven me to you
I will not be your broken heart and I will not be your empty oath look with our hands laid flat in surrender I swear that we will both let go of the chains that choke us, that wrap their hands around our throats.
As blood flows and puddles to cover every self-inflicted bruise, ****** becomes salvation, the resurrected truth.
And I will play you a new song
And the lyrics that you wrote will accompany the melody and every word he spoke was a land of milk and honey that I thought I’d never know
I drove to Washington on my own to sorrow in the rain
But we danced over every puddle, and joy washed the pain away
And it road down and out beyond the pungent sound, out beyond its shores to a whisper beyond the horizons
With The cross of Christ I know that the bonds of sin are broken, that they bar the gates of hell for me and heaven's doors are open as wide as my sweet Savior's arms were stretched out when He died.
Love has defeated death with a life for me to hope in.
To be forgotten and thought of no more
Apr 10, 2014
Apr 10, 2014 at 8:12 PM UTC
I have nightmares sometimes
It’s a weird feeling to drown… even when it’s in your sleep
Water is a part of life
We need it to survive
And yet this fear grows with each passing moment
Once my eyes close the water seems to rise out of nothing
Suddenly I’m drowning
I thrash for what seems like eternity
But slowly I feel the energy drain from my body
My lungs screaming for air burn inside me
It’s scary to be drowning,
But its even more terrifying when you have to give up
I slowly move my hand towards the surface
Stretching out to eternity
The sun sparking above
How could something so beautiful be in a nightmare?
Slowly the pain subsides
My body relaxes as everything goes numb
With a sinking feeling I let out the last thread of life I had
The bubbles rise from my dying lips
Slowly they travel up to the very place I wish I could go
My eyes droop, and slowly I sink to the bottom
To nothing
This is my fear
Oct 15, 2013
Oct 15, 2013 at 12:10 PM UTC