jessicaxbertoni - Hello Poetry

Please don’t be hurt. Please don’t blame yourself. This is not your fault. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The voices in my head, the emptiness in my heart, the darkness in my body. But I had everything, I know I did. A loving family, a bright future, a promising life. There was just so much going on inside my head. I felt like I was 10 feet underwater with my feet tied to an anchor that was pulling me down, down, down. I knew I needed to find my way back to the surface but I couldn’t seem to untie myself. My willpower had reduced to nothingness. You know, I was terrified of mirrors. Every time I looked into them, I felt like I was under a magnifying glass where every single one of my flaws was staring back at me, mocking me. I looked around and saw so much perfection, and my own imperfections made me feel so small. Like I could disappear into thin air and no one would’ve noticed because they didn’t understand, or care. Everyone thought it was easier to pretend I was still the same girl I used to be, when they all knew I wasn’t. Sometimes, I tried to think back to the exact moment my depression became too heavy to bear and my anxiety became too prevalent to ignore because then I could’ve found a way to retain a tiny shred of who I used to be. Unfortunately, every time I did, I came up empty because it wasn’t a specific time or a certain moment. It was something that developed over time and got to a point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. There was so much bottled up inside of me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Depression slipped into my system, and slowly, it got a little harder to wake up in the morning. I felt like I was moving, but not getting anywhere. Soon I started to feel numb, like nothing mattered in the world. I found that all the things I used to like doing, didn’t bring me joy anymore. Then suddenly I was sitting in my bedroom, alone, wondering how I got to such a dark, sad, empty place and I tried to find a way to make myself feel anything other than this overbearing numbness. My anxiety came in small bursts. It started off small and barely noticeable, but built up overtime. One day, I was getting overly nervous and scared about a specific situation, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then sometime later, a similar situation occurred and that time, I was sitting on the bathroom floor trying to breathe, telling myself to stop crying. My chest tightened, my vision blurred, my hands and feet went numb and I couldn’t think straight. In the end, all I was left with was the feeling of wanting it all to go away. But my mental illness was just like a layer of skin: I could never get rid of it. I know I seemed fine, happy almost. But it was all fake, a simple act I put on each day. I know I should’ve told someone, I know I should’ve reached out for help. I just didn’t want to seem like a failure, I didn’t want people to think I was weak. I was put on a pedestal and I was scared to come down from it. It would have crushed my family to know I wasn’t an intelligent, confident young lady but rather an anxious, depressed freak. But it still isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s mine for caring more about how people thought of me than my own mental health. It just got to a point where there was no other option. Whether I was living or not, I was already gone. There was no soul, no life, left in me. I was just an empty body. Goodbye. Jessy

0

Apr 27, 2018

Apr 27, 2018 at 8:37 PM UTC

I'm sorry

Please don’t be hurt. Please don’t blame yourself. This is not your fault. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The voices in my head, the emptiness in my heart, the darkness in my body. But I had everything, I know I did. A loving family, a bright future, a promising life. There was just so much going on inside my head. I felt like I was 10 feet underwater with my feet tied to an anchor that was pulling me down, down, down. I knew I needed to find my way back to the surface but I couldn’t seem to untie myself. My willpower had reduced to nothingness. You know, I was terrified of mirrors. Every time I looked into them, I felt like I was under a magnifying glass where every single one of my flaws was staring back at me, mocking me. I looked around and saw so much perfection, and my own imperfections made me feel so small. Like I could disappear into thin air and no one would’ve noticed because they didn’t understand, or care. Everyone thought it was easier to pretend I was still the same girl I used to be, when they all knew I wasn’t. Sometimes, I tried to think back to the exact moment my depression became too heavy to bear and my anxiety became too prevalent to ignore because then I could’ve found a way to retain a tiny shred of who I used to be. Unfortunately, every time I did, I came up empty because it wasn’t a specific time or a certain moment. It was something that developed over time and got to a point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. There was so much bottled up inside of me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Depression slipped into my system, and slowly, it got a little harder to wake up in the morning. I felt like I was moving, but not getting anywhere. Soon I started to feel numb, like nothing mattered in the world. I found that all the things I used to like doing, didn’t bring me joy anymore. Then suddenly I was sitting in my bedroom, alone, wondering how I got to such a dark, sad, empty place and I tried to find a way to make myself feel anything other than this overbearing numbness. My anxiety came in small bursts. It started off small and barely noticeable, but built up overtime. One day, I was getting overly nervous and scared about a specific situation, but I didn’t think anything of it. Then sometime later, a similar situation occurred and that time, I was sitting on the bathroom floor trying to breathe, telling myself to stop crying. My chest tightened, my vision blurred, my hands and feet went numb and I couldn’t think straight. In the end, all I was left with was the feeling of wanting it all to go away. But my mental illness was just like a layer of skin: I could never get rid of it. I know I seemed fine, happy almost. But it was all fake, a simple act I put on each day. I know I should’ve told someone, I know I should’ve reached out for help. I just didn’t want to seem like a failure, I didn’t want people to think I was weak. I was put on a pedestal and I was scared to come down from it. It would have crushed my family to know I wasn’t an intelligent, confident young lady but rather an anxious, depressed freak. But it still isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s mine for caring more about how people thought of me than my own mental health. It just got to a point where there was no other option. Whether I was living or not, I was already gone. There was no soul, no life, left in me. I was just an empty body. Goodbye. Jessy

10

a lot can happen in f i f t e e n d a y s you could go on a vacation you could get married you could give birth you could buy a house you could get a new job you could make a new friend there's so much you can do in f i f t e e n d a y s what did I do in those fifteen days? I tried to take away my next fifteen days and all of them thereafter.

0

Apr 4, 2018

Apr 4, 2018 at 9:56 PM UTC

why I haven't written in 15 days

a lot can happen in f i f t e e n d a y s you could go on a vacation you could get married you could give birth you could buy a house you could get a new job you could make a new friend there's so much you can do in f i f t e e n d a y s what did I do in those fifteen days? I tried to take away my next fifteen days and all of them thereafter.

13

I'm done fighting Because every time I do I just feel more and more Empty

0

Mar 19, 2018

Mar 19, 2018 at 9:11 PM UTC

the hardest fight of all

I'm done fighting Because every time I do I just feel more and more Empty

4

It feels like I’m a thousand miles away From reality It feels like I’m drowning while everyone around me Swims just fine It feels like I’m slowly dying And nobody notices

0

Mar 13, 2018

Mar 13, 2018 at 8:00 PM UTC

it feels like

It feels like I’m a thousand miles away From reality It feels like I’m drowning while everyone around me Swims just fine It feels like I’m slowly dying And nobody notices

9

I find peace in the rain I find comfort in the lightning I find relaxation in the thunder The storm holds me tight The humidity keeps me warm The weather doesn’t let go I feel at home When there’s a thunderstorm Because the weather mimics What goes on in my head

0

Mar 10, 2018

Mar 10, 2018 at 9:26 PM UTC

thunderstorms

I find peace in the rain I find comfort in the lightning I find relaxation in the thunder The storm holds me tight The humidity keeps me warm The weather doesn’t let go I feel at home When there’s a thunderstorm Because the weather mimics What goes on in my head

10

At this very moment, I’m not suicidal. But if a car came While I was crossing the street I wouldn’t move out of the way. If someone was holding a gun to my head I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I would tell them To go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity To die without killing myself, I would take it.

0

Mar 5, 2018

Mar 5, 2018 at 9:38 PM UTC

An opportunity to die

At this very moment, I’m not suicidal. But if a car came While I was crossing the street I wouldn’t move out of the way. If someone was holding a gun to my head I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I would tell them To go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity To die without killing myself, I would take it.

13

It’s the little things That go unnoticed first. I didn’t notice when My dad got a haircut My mom got new glasses? I didn’t notice. My friend bought a new dress. Oh, I didn’t even realize. But then the little things Become bigger things. My brother got a new car. My sister got engaged. My boyfriend switched schools. And then they become Really big things. My dad had an affair. My mom filed for divorce. My best friend moved across the world. My brother got put in prison. My sister didn’t invite me to the wedding. My boyfriend left me for someone else. And quickly My life is in ruins Lying like a broken city Scattered all over the ground And I didn’t even notice When all of this happened Everything fell apart Right in front of my eyes And I didn't even notice.

0

Mar 5, 2018

Mar 5, 2018 at 9:13 PM UTC

when did it all happen?

It’s the little things That go unnoticed first. I didn’t notice when My dad got a haircut My mom got new glasses? I didn’t notice. My friend bought a new dress. Oh, I didn’t even realize. But then the little things Become bigger things. My brother got a new car. My sister got engaged. My boyfriend switched schools. And then they become Really big things. My dad had an affair. My mom filed for divorce. My best friend moved across the world. My brother got put in prison. My sister didn’t invite me to the wedding. My boyfriend left me for someone else. And quickly My life is in ruins Lying like a broken city Scattered all over the ground And I didn’t even notice When all of this happened Everything fell apart Right in front of my eyes And I didn't even notice.

30

crying on the floor drowning in my tears a puddle of salt water cutting open wounds drowning in my own blood a puddle of redness constantly overthinking drowning in my depression a puddle of self hatred

0

Mar 1, 2018

Mar 1, 2018 at 10:14 PM UTC

drowning in a puddle

crying on the floor drowning in my tears a puddle of salt water cutting open wounds drowning in my own blood a puddle of redness constantly overthinking drowning in my depression a puddle of self hatred

9

Tonight is the night I realized the human mind is truly the scariest thing of all

0

Feb 18, 2018

Feb 18, 2018 at 9:35 PM UTC

tonight